Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It is very helpful!

I want to feel cute but comfy, so it's either nightshirts/nightgowns lounging around the house, or an off the shoulder top or crop top really makes me feel girly. 

Hi, my name is Stevie. I started "crossdressing" in early teens, maybe before, by cutting up my clothing. My parents would find piles of them and who knows what they thought. But I just had to do it. Then when I was 16 was the first time I tried on my older sister's tops.    My father suggested I join the Army after high school. I did and would buy clothes for my girlfriends and end up wearing them. I would engage in intimacy but stopped short of sex. I felt like my genitalia was not connected to my mind and felt no pleasure through it.    While in the military I took to binge drinking and severe depression ensued. By the time of discharge, I was suicidal, had several attempts and detoxes. I was admitted into the VA hospital and the first two meds made me numb and psychosis developed. Then, I genuinely tried to take my own life. Finally, a few years later, put on disability and took prozac for around 12 years which helped a bit. I met my first transgender (older transitioned MtF) persons in the VA and basically brought up the idea: why can't I be somewhere in the middle gender? Answer I got was basically Honey, that's not how it works. So facing a transition to female, I think I was 28 at the time, seemed like what I had to do. Or at least, try to live as much female as possible. I ended up marrying because I was lonely and afraid I could not support myself, and she accepted my gender ID and crossdressing. But I was seeing no therapist, no hormones. Started electrolysis in this DIY attempt, and some kind of facial hormone cream which I didn't realize was all short-sighted. Early internet days, shoddy information, sketchy sites.  The marriage was a disaster as there was abuse, drugs, alcohol and our individual psychological issues. Finally was separated, on my own and basically just existing. Using substances to cope. Dead to the world. Continued to keep a wardrobe and just managing the "dual life".  Went through Vocational Rehab in a janitorial program to get back into work. Exterted myself and got the job I have today and making more than I ever did. A few years, tossed my wardrobe (again)...oh, except a few things of course, and thinking the dysphoria will just go away now that I am older. Nope.   Currrently: finally ready to face myself, sober, and will begin with a gender therapist who is transitioned. Questioning whether I desire or need to transition to female. Accumulating another wardrobe. Really regret tossing my shoes and I had some really cool things. I have the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl in there, buried under years of self-abuse. The fluidity is a bit precarious as the more I accept and go femme, the more alive I feel, like something is unfolding.  But I am still quite boyish and discovering what fits for me right now and the my physical limitations and working with them I guess as I am not just confined to the closet and want to be seen for who I am...which is a work in progress I suppose. There are still things about me that I very much like and don't want to change, and others which seem to cause conflict.  I get some comfort in realizing I do not necessarily have to be either one or the other gender right now, and it's more about how I feel about myself than passing or trying to live up to an ideal image. But sort of feel like a small minority as someone who has not gone through all the changes (yet?) of the transitioned, as I am still outing myself in small steps, in a small circle. I am naturally careful, but honest. I do not fear being hurt so much "out there", as I know from experience I am my own worst enemy and cause my own difficulties more than anyone could ever do.  Thank you for letting me share. I actually hope this has helped someone else who is lurking. After all, "Normal People" don't go years struggling with questioning their gender- we are all Trans here and in different chapters of the same story.  Love you All, S.

Hey, everyone! I'm on low dose T now for about 7 months, I use Testogel and, except for a few more whiskers and other very little changes, there hasn't really happened anything yet. I don't wanna say I'm not happy with what has changed but I really wish for a little more, especially after that time. My dose is really low, now I want to take twice as much and hope to get closer to my goal during the next months. But there are two things I'm a little worried about so I thought maybe someone here could help me! About two or three months after I've started HRT, I noticed that I'm losing much more hair than before. It still looks totally okay but there IS a difference. Do you think I will lose even more when I increase the dose? I mean, if that's the case I will accept it. Before I started HRT I was waaay more worried about that. Now it's not that much of a problem for me anymore but it would still be nice to know what to expect. :'D And the second thing (which I'm more afraid of): I've read that transmen on Testosterone have to have their internal female parts removed (uterus and ovaries, as far as I know) because else the risk will be higher to develop cancer. I don't know if that's true and if yes, how quickly I have to do that to prevent anything! I'm afraid I'll have less time to undergo that treatment when I increase my dose, and I don't know when I'll be ready for that. (It's not that I want to keep those parts, I just have a problem with hospitals and suffer from panic attacks when it comes to certain check ups or medical treatments...) And another question that's just coming to my mind: Will the removal of those parts have any other effects on my physical and mental health?   I want to talk with my gynaecologist about all that anyway but I'd still like to hear some opinions/experiences from other transmen (or non-binary persons on T or others who know more than I do)! I don't know how much my gynaecologist knows about the whole topic, and unfortunately, I can't talk with my endocrinologist about it because she probably can't tell me ANYTHING. I don't wanna sound mean but she's really not competent, and I'm not the only one who noticed that. Everytime I was there, I've had bad experiences. She gave me wrong information. Not to mention the assistants. But she's the only endocrinologist within my reach so I don't have much of a choice.   So, I hope someone here can share their knowledge/experiences with me; I'd be grateful for any answer!

(Nevermind, I think I've found the right place to post it!)

Hello, Carolyn, thank you for your kind words! I've actually found the answer to my question (regarding the profile-pic) about a minute before I've seen your reply, haha. But thanks! I guess I'll wait then. My question is about effects of testosterone when I increase my dose. Do you have any suggestions where to post it?

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Vincent.  It's nice to meet you.  We don't have many members from Germany so a special welcome to you!  I visited there a few years ago (river cruise) and I loved the towns and the people.   You can find the answer to your question HERE.  Just remember that you need to have a few posts under your belt first, and your pic needs to be of a small enough pixel size.   Please look around and post whatever questions you have (you didn't mention yet the question that brought you here).  We'll do our very best to answer them.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie

This  ^^^^^^

Hello everyone! I'm Vincent, 27, FTM and from Germany. I can't really classify myself as one thing, I identify as both genderqueer (sometimes feeling a little more feminine, sometimes more non-binary but most of the time way more masculine) and transgender and my goal is not to be mistaken for a woman anymore.  I must admit, I only signed up here to post a question I originally posted on another website. I didn't get any answers there so I hoped I'd have more luck in a transgender-forum and googled 'FTM Forum', and then I found this. 😂 But now that I'm here, maybe I'll have some nice conversations and get to know cool people, haha.   (Btw, can someone tell me how to change my profile-pic? I didn't find the option/button yet. 🤔

Gosh I wish there was a like button. Everyone looks fab.  

To "decide" to start HRT would suggest you had some kind of dysphoria.  I agree, dyphoria is much more than a dissonance between my mind or Self identity and it's container. It's my Self's relation to both outer (and inner) environment. Sometimes it's very subtle, sometimes glaring. 

I haven't seen significant changes and I've been on HRT for 9 months with decent Estrogen and testosterone levels since May.  If patches were used, my guess is the doc started with very low doses which means much slower results.  My doc advised me against patches because they are generally low dose and for most transwomen he's dealt with who've gone that way they had to use multiple patches at a time to get the dosage needed.  Also my doctor said changes in body hair is approximately a 2 year process, assuming good hormone levels in the blood, so a few months to see results seems optimistic at best.  And of course facial hair isn't affected by HRT so there's that.   my advice would be if you haven't already to get her estrogen and testosterone levels checked and consult with the doc to see if she's in or near the target range.  I've been told by many that you can expect the entire first year to mostly just be the doc dialing in the proper dosage, so get the blood tests and work with the doc to make sure the proper adjustments are made.  Then I would advise patience, which is probably the hardest part of transition in my opinion.

Jazz-Per, why don't you try using our Resource Locator, found Here?  It is not a definitive source, so you can also try through LGBT centers or the state's professional associations for licensed therapists.  I wish you luck.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie

It is very common to start transition for some reasons that don't include body parts, and then to become aware of one's dissatisfaction with their body parts later in the process.  That was certainly the case for me.   I know a lot of people reserve the word "dysphoria" for dissatisfaction with body parts, but I think it applies to other areas of life.  Social dysphoria is very common, possibly more common than body dysphoria.  To be honest, I cannot see someone starting transition, including HRT, unless they were experiencing some kind of (what I would call) dysphoria.   In my case, I experienced strong social dysphoria.  I could not stand relating to others as a male and wanted to relate to them as a female.  On that basis, I started HRT and transitioned socially shortly thereafter.  Well after that process started, I became more aware of my body dysphoria and set the process in motion to do something about that.  That is a very common path.   However, I am not going to tell you how to describe your experience.  If you prefer to reserve the word dysphoria for dissatisfaction with your body, then yes, what you describe is very common.  It doesn't indicate a mistake.  It just indicates a difference in terminology.  

Looks like beautiful country.     Went uptown to see the Chalk Fest.  They do it every year on the sidewalks around the court square.     Just wore some of my go-to things