Career and Workplace Issues

So many parallels in mine and @KathyLauren and @MirandaB's stories.    I think late 30's counts as "later in life" lol.   I didn't just ignore signs, I repressed them and shoved them into a deep recess in my mind. I grew up in a very religious and conservative household, and knew deep down that these feelings and thoughts would be punished. I went through my typical teenager rebellious phase which allowed me to experiment with lots of things, like nail painting, long hair, that kind of thing, but even then I kept some things tightly under wraps. I really wanted to experiment with makeup, but could never push myself to actually take the leap into that.   For a very long time, I didn't even know that trans people existed, so it never crossed my mind that I could be one. It wasn't until I was in college that I was exposed, and even then I never thought I could be trans myself.   After a lot of years of battling depression, fighting what I thought was body dysmorphia, and engaging with unhealthy "hobbies" I finally had my "huh, wait a sec" moment. I remember it distinctly. I was at the grocery store with my partner and saw a woman walking by and my first thought was "I wish I looked like that". This definitely wasn't the first time I had thought that, and realizing that in that moment was powerful, and I knew I couldn't ignore or repress it anymore.   This kicked off several months of deep research, and deep introspection. I, being the person I am, took the scientific approach and tried to disprove this to myself. I tried really hard to find something that I could point to and say "this is why I'm not trans" but only found myself relating to other trans people's experiences, and eventually learned what gender dysphoria was. I showed all the signs: always playing as women in games, complaining that men's fashion was terrible and women had so many more and better options, feeling very uncomfortable with my own body hair, specifically in the "men's only" areas like my chest and stomach, really hating my body but never fully understanding what about it I hated, the list goes on and on.   I never had the experience or vocabulary to accurately describe what it was I was feeling, and after my months of panicked research, I finally had the words. The moment I finally looked at myself in the mirror and accepted the truth of who I was everything fell into place in my mind, and I felt a peace I had never felt in my life before. I was lucky enough to have a week alone in the house, so I took that opportunity to do one final experiment and try out some cheap clothes and cheap makeup and a super cheap wig, but it was enough. I told myself that if I put myself together and I was even remotely uncomfortable with it, then that was it, I wasn't trans, and I can move on with my life, but once I saw the finished product, despite the terrible fashion sense, and completely awful job at doing makeup, I saw myself for the first time in my entire life and I saw myself smiling like I never have before.    So, TLDR, I figured it out by finally facing my feelings, learning about myself and what these feelings meant, and then experimenting. The scientific method, I guess lol. Observation (I have these feelings), question (does that mean I'm trans?), hypothesis (I might be trans), experiment (try on being a woman), analysis (I feal right for the first time), conclusion (I am trans). 

How did I figure it out?  Well, I like to wear women’s things and make believe.  That was exciting and that started as a teen.  I also wished I had breasts.  But I thought I grew out of that.  I did all the manly things.  But as I got older I got upset and angry rather easily.  My wife said I needed to see some one but I refused.  I eventually did ask my doctor for antidepressants  and he gave me a three page questioner before agreeing.  But they only helped so much and not more.  Finally, I gave in and went to see a therapist.  After several sessions he said “you are transgender and have been all your life”. We argued about that several times but he proved it to me beyond any further doubt and I am finally happy.

I have some overlap with what @KathyLauren said. Like ignoring the clues, and eventually meeting some trans women living their normal lives.    Also, as I got older it seemed harder to keep it bottled up. Instead of occasional lurking, joined an internet forum to research a makeover/dressing session. And somehow I felt more trans than many of the posters (at least in how they wrote about their lives). Like when the question is asked 'if you could wake up a woman...' my reaction was always yes, although with the 'can I change back' caveat.    Had some family events scheduled for the fall of 2020, planned to come out as something after those events were done. But then covid came along first, and had me worried about the time I had left.   Started playing with gender swap filters (that had improved since the time I tried them in some previous year) since there were no opportunities for any private time with everyone home all the time. Just seeing a somewhat plausible version of 'me' outside cracked the egg.   One of the things I've landed on to tell people in a shorter version is that if you spend your whole life coming up with reasons why you're not trans, you're probably trans. Cis folks don't go to sleep each night hoping to miraculously somehow wake up a different gender.       

There were all kinds of clues all my life, but I ignored them because I couldn't possibly be trans, or so I thought.  After all, trans people were weird, and so rare that one would never encounter one in real life.  (Right?)  That's how I thought most of my life.   But one day, ten years ago, I attended a public lecture by an astrophysicist who happened to be transgender.  The lecture was interesting.  What was more interesting was the comments from the crowd afterwards.  I paid attention to them.  Everyone was talking about her presentation.  No one was talking about her.   That opened my eyes.  Maybe trans people weren't so weird after all: here was one in a nerdy occupation, giving a public talk to fellow nerds.  The experience gave me "permission" to investigate.  I joined a trans forum, introduced myself and asked questions.  Within a few weeks, I had my answer: Yes, dummy, you are trans!   The clues all my life?  I can remember at age seven wishing I could wear a dress.  All my life, in my daydreams, I was always a girl.  I always had the feeling that I was acting in a play where I was the only one who had not read the script.  I learned to behave like a boy by watching carefully how other boys behaved and trying to copy their behaviour, because none of it came naturally to me.  When I was 17 or 18, my parents gave me an electric shaver for my birthday.  I remember being surprised and dismayed, because it had never occurred to me that I would grow facial hair.   I could go on, but those should give the general idea.

I get my first binder tomorrow. So excited. I got it from spectrum outfitters. 

I'm bipolar so yes. You just have to remember that you've survived it before so you can survive it again. Not easy though when you're are in the deep throughs of it.

Just curious. Especially for those of you in your later years (shall we say) What led you to the conclusion you were trans? 

I have no idea what you are referring to here!!  This??  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Dog_(Led_Zeppelin_song)

Yes, it does sound like a very good book, a very touching and timely story.  But I don't think I'll read it.  It is painful enough to live in the now, and face some of the evils that this administration has wrought.  I'm not much interested in reading about the same sort of thing happening to imaginary characters living in the 1940's.   Carolyn Marie

You mean depression?

The treatment of Trans people who very much existed in the pre - WWII years did not really improve with the end of the war.  I have not read this book, but have read and studied others about the people involved.  The story is sobering and even saddening, but one that needs to be told.  Our fears are historic, but so is our dream to simply be people among people doing people things in life including love.

Yes, my first thought was, "That means that..."  But like you, I'll try to concentrate on the positive.

This looks like a good book!   https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2025-04-29/lilac-people-book-review-milo-todd    

Good morning    It is our 53rd anniversary today.  There have been good times and bad, love and hate but we worked things out and here we are 53 years later and still together.  There have been a few times I thought we were done.  Once I was ready to call it, once she was and one time I was even making contingency plains certain it was on the horizon but all that is in the past now.   We are even going shopping today to see if we can find nice outfits to celebrate our anniversary.  Ok it’s a far cry from going on a cruise or a trip somewhere but I don’t think she could handle that even if we could afford it.  She has really aged in the past year.  And honestly, so have I. In her case it is physically with some short term memory loss.  In my case it is strictly memory loss.  Sometimes I really have to think about things that just came snap snap snap to me before.  I do things to exercise my mind but they aren’t always helping.  I know it does no good to say “I told you… “ to my wife.  If she doesn’t remember right then and there it never happened.     So to all you younger coffee drinkers, stay healthy, stay happy and stay active as long as you can.  Couch potatoing is bad.  TV is ok in limitation but nothing beats going for a bicycle ride or walking, jogging or running if you can.  I am not and never was an athlete.  In fact a medical DNA test showed that I was in the lower 25% on that, som-armed to other men and boys.  Yet another confirming thing that points to my being transgender.  I used my brain instead.   but this is getting long and becoming dribble so I’ll stop.  Just stay active mentally and physically.