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Don't Out Yourself


Guest AllisonD

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Hi!

I have been lucky to realize that my demeanor and attitude go a long way in people reading my feminine side. I dress male at work except for my bra and panties. I find that both men and women treat me feminine, because of my demeanor. Women hug me when I am down and men will comment on how happy my work area is. I am friendly and supportive to all and I think this comes across as being feminine and matches my feelings. It’s like I’m out without  the wrapper. As I move along toward a fuller transition, I think that it might be easier having transitioned on the inside years ago. My Mom always told me to kill them with kindness. I love and miss her. 

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On 6/18/2020 at 9:29 PM, Markie said:

It’s like I’m out without  the wrapper.

Hi Markie.  I found your back story interesting and I like your point of view on being your feminine self regardless of how you present/dress.


I am not out yet, and haven't started HRT.  My wife is not supportive of me dressing in public and I am not in a work situation where I could do that anyway. 

But, the idea of a at least feeling like my true self inside is more important to me at this point. 
So, I take encouragement that you've been on HRT for 5 years and can live with not being fully Out yet.  I am starting therapy soon also.  Like you, I need to become One person rather than the "two spirits" I have been carrying for so long.

I wish you all the best, and hope to hear more on your journey in the future❣️

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I really enjoy reading the positive moments some of us get to have. It's just nice to know that we aren't all struggling to find support and acceptance for who we are. Thanks for sharing your happiness @Markie

 

@KayC I know that a non supportive spouse is very difficult in general. It is unfair to feel wrong, for who we are, just because someone else does not agree or believe in us. That just drives a wedge between two people that doesn't need to be there. My ex didn't support me at all, not in any way. If you have any support from yours, then at least you have something to build on. That something is worth fighting for but you need to be yourself or what is the point right? My ex abandoned me long before I said I wanted a divorce. I was so tired of being talked down to and controlled for someone else's desires yet, none of mine were ever a concern of theirs. My ex will never know how insulted and validated they made me feel when they posted on a major social forum that they just ended a fifteen year relationship with a lesbian. I didn't respond to that but, I certainly wanted to. In the end it just wasn't worth outing myself in a negative platform and I knew better than to go that route. Alone is better than abused. At least a little anyways. 

 

I'm really happy for both of you.   ~Abi~

 

 

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21 hours ago, Abi said:

If you have any support from yours, then at least you have something to build on. That something is worth fighting for but you need to be yourself or what is the point right?

Thank you, Abi.  You're right ... Its still early in the process for both of us, but she has confirmed she wants me to be happy.  Its just a matter if we can get there together or not.   But I am trying to use my experience with my wife to help to encourage others on this Forum to not give up easily.
I'm so sorry your relationship went the direction it did, but happy you feel better off in the end.  No one should ever be the object of abuse in a relationship.

Thank you for sharing❣️

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Hi Girls,

I'm saddened to hear about others having such a hard time. There always seems to be a river to cross to reach our goals. My wife was very much against transgender as a concept long ago. I think that she believed it was a perverted fetish. As there are more trans people in the news and on media, I think that she as many others started to see us as real people and not perverts. This new situation gave me the opportunities to act more feminine and gradually get my wife’s uneasy acceptance. I started by commenting on women’s clothes and accessories while looking past the women’s looks. I helped her pick out clothes (I have a much better eye). She started to see real value in my feminine side. This was slow and tedious with sometimes hard to accept pushback, but I felt patience was on my side. She still gets aggravated with my painted nails and longer hair. I realize it has to be a give and take. When it gets real hard to go so slow, I fem myself up a bit and go shopping. Light makeup, fluffed hair, rather androgynous but colorful tops and maybe a long necklace and small earrings. I let the Women I come in contact with be my saviors. Nine out of ten times, I get good feedback from them. “Cute earrings, love your top, nice necklace”, they always get a big smile and my most sincere ”thank you”. Girls, I’m no where near passable, but I’m sincere in my femininity. It’s a lot more than looks and clothes. Let others see your girl inside. You may even discover more about yourself and gain some accepting friends. 

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1 hour ago, Markie said:

I let the Women I come in contact with be my saviors. Nine out of ten times, I get good feedback from them. “Cute earrings, love your top, nice necklace”, they always get a big smile and my most sincere ”thank you”.

 

I remember it took me a while to get used to this at first.  I am so very shy, so I was afraid of the attention and was fearful I was being mocked.  Then I finally came to understand the insecurity most all women carry around every day.  Women know this and know that even small compliments on our choices can help each other make it through the day.  Surprising to me how automatic it has become now for me to do the same thing.

 

1 hour ago, Markie said:

It’s a lot more than looks and clothes. Let others see your girl inside.

 

Great advice, Markie.

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10 hours ago, Markie said:

This new situation gave me the opportunities to act more feminine and gradually get my wife’s uneasy acceptance.

Thank you, Markie, for sharing this.  Its very encouraging to me and I hope others. 
Your methods for making step-by-step progress, even being "androgynous" and part time female as an alternate is one of the ideas I have been considering for the near term that both my wife and I can hopefully agree upon.

 

btw - do you shop androgynous styles online?  Would love to hear about your shopping preferences. (if you want to start a new post?  maybe others might want to discuss?  just please tag me so I know you posted ?)


Ready to let me "inside girl" shine❣️
 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

btw - do you shop androgynous styles online?  Would love to hear about your shopping preferences. (if you want to start a new post?  maybe others might want to discuss?  just please tag me so I know you posted

 

If you do, tag me too, please.

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Attitude and confidence seemed to be the two key things for me. I sort of accidentally forced the confidence on myself. I wasn't really thinking one morning when getting ready for work. I guess my inner girl had other plans that day. It wasn't until I got halfway to work that I realized between  clothes, hair and makeup (I was so comfortable) was going to work in full girl mode. Thankfully I work in a small office, it didn't bother anyone and no one asked. It was a big relief and a huge confidence booster.

I also found out having earbuds in, listening to music when I'm out has given me a little more bounce in my step and my movements are more dance-like. Passing has become easier. The less I stress the more I pass, the more I pass the less I stress and the better my attitude.

 

Of course this all helps me in public but not at home. My wife stated she would not got out in public with me dressed as a woman yet the other day we did, so maybe things are changing but I'm not holding my breath. I've been buying more and more woman's clothing. I find men's clothes don't fit right and are itchy. 

The marriage to my wife is just gonna do what its gonna do. She half expects me to go back to who I was. He doesn't exist anymore. He was just a protective coating that self destructed, nothing more.

 

Just waiting for the DMV to open for other stuff so I can finally update my marker,

 

Night everyone,

~Liz~

 

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Welcome Elizabeth,

 

37 minutes ago, ElizabethStar said:

I also found out having earbuds in, listening to music when I'm out has given me a little more bounce in my step and my movements are more dance-like.

 

Good idea.  I'm going to have to try that.

 

38 minutes ago, ElizabethStar said:

I find men's clothes don't fit right and are itchy. 

 

I'm with ya.  I was so surprised the day I learned that women's cotton is not like men's cotton.

 

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8 hours ago, Tori M said:
8 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

I find men's clothes don't fit right and are itchy. 

 

I'm with ya.  I was so surprised the day I learned that women's cotton is not like men's cotton.

Yah!  what's up with that?  I never noticed it before until I bought some womens sleepwear (that new bamboo cotton fabric) and its heaven. 
I absolutely cannot sleep comfortably in men's PJs or shorts/t-shirts anymore.  Too scratchy, waist band too tight .. How did I do that all these years?

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Ok Girls, 

I think that everyone’s perspectives just enhances how I feel about myself. The feel of women’s clothes, the music while walking and the experiences us girls share, bring more feminine thoughts that I’ve buried in my psyche back out. Thank you so much for sharing. I feel like a little flower just beginning to bloom. Love ❤️ You ❤️ All❤️?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I got clocked and openly misgendered today. I had to take my wife to the hospital, she has ongoing health issues that require occasional visits. This time it turned out to be an overnight-er. I went home to get a few things for her nights stay. When I returned I had to got through the, now typical, Covid questions and temp check. Before I ever open my mouth or changed my mask one of the two woman behind the desk started calling me sir. And did it repeatedly. I feel I should have said something but I also had to show my ID. My wife had literally just gotten to her room so I wasn't on the visitor list. But she called me sir, like 6 times. I would have thought that somewhere between the strappy sandals, mini back pack, boobs, and purse she would have possibly just seen another woman. It just burnt me straight to my core to have this happen. I really want to call and complain but I'm scared of any back-lash.

 

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get it out.

 

?~Liz~

 

 

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@ElizabethStar Hugs for you, Liz.  Lots of hugs.  Absolutely, you're right to vent about an experience like that.  

 

Astrid

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7 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get it out.

 

?~Liz~

Liz, I’m sorry this happened to you today. Some people are just very self involved and don’t notice the proper cues no matter how obvious they are to others. They don’t understand how much being correctly gendered means to us. Also, you can rant anytime you want. It’s a very therapeutic release and we all need to do it on occasion.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

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  • 11 months later...

A few weeks ago at my retail job. I had two woman come in, and since I see hundreds of faces a day. I didn't really pay much attention to them. 

 

Any way I'm helping one of them find a bra that fits, and as I was helping her. Her friend came up, and that was when I noticed she was trans, any way I go back to helping the lady with a bra, and as im helping her. She was talking about her friend. Who just started her transition. She seemed excited for her, and so was I. 

 

As im helping the bra lady. It dawns on me neither realize im trans my self. I wanted to out my self, but I kept quite. 

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1 hour ago, Red_Lauren. said:

A few weeks ago at my retail job. I had two woman come in, and since I see hundreds of faces a day. I didn't really pay much attention to them. 

 

Any way I'm helping one of them find a bra that fits, and as I was helping her. Her friend came up, and that was when I noticed she was trans, any way I go back to helping the lady with a bra, and as im helping her. She was talking about her friend. Who just started her transition. She seemed excited for her, and so was I. 

 

As im helping the bra lady. It dawns on me neither realize im trans my self. I wanted to out my self, but I kept quite. 

I’m not sure I could have kept quiet. 

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At the risk of contradiction, in my experience random people do not talk to other random people about their friends transitioning just at random. There is, of course, always a possibility of having a chatty ally who has challenges with understanding the boundaries, but in general transitional is personal enough that without a reason nobody would readily share that info. One possibility, she did recognize you as another trans or trans-related person, and was hoping you could relate better to her friend. As I recall, shopping trips in the beginning are very emotional and heightened, and someone making it more "natural" is a huge win.

Just my 2 cents ?

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On 7/12/2020 at 8:11 PM, Elizabeth Star said:

one of the two woman behind the desk started calling me sir. And did it repeatedly. I feel I should have said something but I also had to show my ID. My wife had literally just gotten to her room so I wasn't on the visitor list. But she called me sir, like 6 times. I would have thought that somewhere between the strappy sandals, mini back pack, boobs, and purse she would have possibly just seen another woman. It just burnt me straight to my core to have this happen. I really want to call and complain but I'm scared of any back-lash.

Bummer.  It does seem like a micro aggression.   But I certainly understand the concern of a backlash.  Sometimes we just don't want to stir up more muck.

 

On 6/28/2020 at 7:57 AM, KayC said:

I bought some womens sleepwear (that new bamboo cotton fabric) and its heaven. 

I have some of that, and I agree. 

I use some of it for a slip during the day sometimes - really nice stuff.

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Hi all,

 

A bit of nonchalance on our part may go a long way I feel....?

 

I try not to let misgendering bother me (Don't give them the satisfaction)

 

But frankly most if not all my experiences (which mainly occur when interaction is needed at Supermarket check outs)...if I am misgendered its because I have 'outed' myself by opening my big mouth (Since my voice is distinctly as yet not feminine)

 

Then some react by double down on the "Sirs' as if to make up for their own transgression (no pun) misgendering me as female firstly. They almost comically overdo it. ?

 

Inside I'm saying to myself, why isn't this grand to be 'Sired' so many times, I'd get a knighthood.?

 

Yesterday I got a 'Sir' from the young female clerk prob bc I told her I did not want any Wasabi with my sushi but some extra soya packets would do nicely (it was a Japanese supermarket, my kids love Sushi)

 

Today I was gendered a miss by a man at check out  TJ Maxx (Buying a long overdue replacement frying pan)...which is great since I'm 52 so "Miss" makes me feel just grand Sir.?

 

Of course when he heard my voice (regarding not wanting any plastic bags), he then reaffirmed quickly (as if to make himself feel better) with a 'Sir'.

 

Frankly I always feel they seem afraid to interact any further bc they are not sure entirely if they had responded right or how to respond further.?

 

(For the sake of everyone, please help me overcome my psychological hurdle over my voice soon).?

 

But as I always say, better a 'Sir' than Hey A-hole...

 

And I always act as gracious as possible thanking them for their efforts etc as a proper lady would.☺️

 

That should give them further thought to ponder in future with someone-else of my ilk.

 

 

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If I am clearly dressed femininely, and get sir'd, I have to wonder why.

It would be just as easy to leave it out entirely.

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I also agree with Valerie on your experience Lauren...

 

...it seems like you are being enticed into a supportive conversation with them.

 

As a rule, I try to keep professional at work.

 

I have had myriad baiting incidents on (film) set from people 'randomly' very much within my earshot talking about their take on Trans and acceptance to being trapped in a passenger van with a bunch of burly grips and electrics (people who work the lights etc)...teasing one of their younger kind about new experiences with women that have something extra.?

 

I do not react to such idle talk anyway and they know it on set but it doesn't stop them trying to be them...

 

OTOH I have had the good occasion several times now of working on set with Trans talents.

 

One I worked with is a renown model/activist from NYC. It was a perfume commercial.

 

I suspect she suspected I had the issues.?

 

But we were respectful of each other and my interactions with her strictly professional (if somewhat more curt than usual largely from my nervousness)?

 

I remember then I was just experimenting with braiding my hair, trying to get it right (my later renown one side braid...since I could never braid it directly behind always mess up)

 

One of the production Assistants found me drying out after a tint wrangling some weeds in a pnd (As mentioned it was a perfume commercial, they like to do silly things to evoke the essence of the product...how pond water evokes  a positive olfactory experience is anyone's guess of course)?

 

I thought I was in a secluded enough part of the set but I was caught surprise and somewhat embarrass and he could not help but snigger (albeit he did not make a meal out of it thereafter not in front of me anyway)

 

So I chose a wiser even more (as I believed) secluded place to do my  braiding struggle... a disused barn.

 

Well as it turned out, our celebrity Trans talent happen to walk by as I was changing out half dressed and fussing with the braid...?

 

To her credit she did not laugh at my ridiculous effort but she shot me a smile which I prefer to interpret as "Don't worry darling, I know"?

 

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14 hours ago, ValerieRun said:

At the risk of contradiction, in my experience random people do not talk to other random people about their friends transitioning just at random. There is, of course, always a possibility of having a chatty ally who has challenges with understanding the boundaries, but in general transitional is personal enough that without a reason nobody would readily share that info. One possibility, she did recognize you as another trans or trans-related person, and was hoping you could relate better to her friend. As I recall, shopping trips in the beginning are very emotional and heightened, and someone making it more "natural" is a huge win.

Just my 2 cents ?

I do get what you are saying. I think she was talking so much because she was really happy for her. They both were 50 plus probably closer to 60, so its kinda a big change at that age. Especially for that generation. While me at 35. Its different, but a lot different vs older generations. I'm sure both my male, and female friends talk. I know for many of them. I'm not their first trans person they have delt with. I know my female friends talk for sure. Especially my boss. I was her client before I worked there, so we would talk as she was doing my nails. 

 

As for if they knew I was trans. I don't think the cis woman actually did. I belnd vary well, so well my coworkers didn't know i was trans till they heard my real voice. Speaking of voice. I don't have a overly deep voice, and always could do voice impressions pretty well, so its pretty easy to talk a like a woman pretty easily. With out munch stress, and for long periods of time. Its more of a husky sounding female voice, but its better then a lot of trans voices. When im at work. I use my female voice most of the day. Unless I'm tired.

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Hi Lauren,

 

Voice!

 

I'm envious!?

 

Am working at it but so difficult for me. Nerves.?

 

I'm trying to work out my 'comfort zone' between a higher pitch (more difficult to maintain but less prone to lazy fall back to male range) and a lower one.

 

Unabashed 'self Outing' for me at the moment.

 

Current attitude is I'm not trying to be a girl. I look like one perhaps and therefore I dress like one.

 

But I do wish to eventually at least adopt a more neutral sound so there aren't so many 'awkward encounters'?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, swallow said:

Hi Lauren,

 

Voice!

 

I'm envious!?

 

Am working at it but so difficult for me. Nerves.?

 

I'm trying to work out my 'comfort zone' between a higher pitch (more difficult to maintain but less prone to lazy fall back to male range) and a lower one.

 

Unabashed 'self Outing' for me at the moment.

 

Current attitude is I'm not trying to be a girl. I look like one perhaps and therefore I dress like one.

 

But I do wish to eventually at least adopt a more neutral sound so there aren't so many 'awkward encounters'?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing to be envoius of. I can't really speak in my female voice over the phone though, or any digital technology for some reason. 

 

My female voice just sorta came to me. I really didn't practice it either. I just bumped up my voice a few octaves, and spoke more with my mouth. Then I did my chest. Like I said its not perfect, but if I need to speak with a customer, or go out in public. I can be more in the female range. Yes it still has some bass, but I do ok. Here is the funny part. At my retail job. I generally try to speak in my female voice. Only because of comfort for the customers. I tend to help woman with bras a lot, so I see a lot of woman in bras. I don't want to freak them out, and think I'm a pervert. I mean visually they see a woman, and I mean a woman. I have wear a c cup bra, I wear make-up, and womans clothing. At my nail salon. I'm a lot more relaxed. My clients know me, and most knew me before transition. We would chat as my boss was doing my nails as a client then, so I generally don't care. 

 

Here is a weird thing. I have only been on hormones since December, and have noticed. I can't do super deep male voices any longer. I know hormones don't change vocal cords, but its a lot harder, and hurts to do deep voices.

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      Congratulations on your new family member!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I thought I would try my version of this. Changes in bold.   I am Transgender.  Sometimes it is remote, sometimes close. Sometimes I am euphoric, sometimes depressed. It is something I cannot get away from and cannot welcome enough. I see some things both ways that neither men as men see or women as women see.  I can be gentle and compassionate and hard as nails. I was born with male genitals but a female heart   I have my heart.  Whatever it is. When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her  Depends on the woman.  When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him   Ditto. I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female Depends. Sometimes I get angry at them because women spend time and energy in ways men don't.  It is not necessarily bad.  I could do without the gossip. Not all women gossip.  Excessive focus on fashion is something I find annoying. And expensive. I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood. Sometimes it is helpful to put on the Iron Man suit and act accordingly.  But I have seen some tough women. When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality. I could go either way, mostly. Really.  In tests in the last two years technicians have gone really quiet when they see how little body and leg hair I have.  I looked at myself this morning.  Remove a few clues and a girl is standing there. When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality. At this point I am not going to do that. In the mood I am in I might break the mirror. My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion. Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level.  Not sure I want to make that statement so categorically. Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been.   Well put. The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself. I've got priorities beyond this that this must fit into. The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself.  Would be neat. Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile.   Would be neat.  There are downsides.  Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad.   I have had lots of practice accepting this. I am Transgender....I am a girl
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