Fear

[Guest Edu]

This began even before I was born. I have an older brother, and everybody (family, friends, and even the doctors) where convinced I'd be a girl when my mother got pregnant. Everybody but her: she was sure I'd be a boy. Finally, I was born and my male body settled the debate. I wonder whether this was a weird joke by destiny, some kind of premonition, or just a coincidence. Anyway, I didn't know about this until a few years ago, so it couldn't have any impact on what I felt on my childhood years.

Childhood wasn't easy. I grew up on a harsh and violent neighborhood (there are worse places, of course, but that doesn't make this better). Fights and troubles were everywhere, everyday; especially looking for anyone who was "different" in any way. And I was definitely different. I couldn't really understand which was the difference, but I was perfectly aware that I didn't fit anywhere in the pattern. It wouldn't take too long to learn the hard way how dangerous that was.

Day after day, and year after year, I got more afraid to be myself, started hiding the true "me", and pretending to be someone I wasn't just to avoid trouble. Not that I were any good at it, I was getting in trouble too often anyway. Thus I kept trying to hide even deeper within myself. I had some close friends I used to spend most of my time with, but they never had any idea about what was going on within me. While not fully understanding the issue, over the years I started realizing it had to do with what was supposed to mean to be a boy or a girl.

Finally, I was done with primary school and ready to move on to secondary. However, the school I would go had a reputation of having even more violence and problems than my old school. So I got ready for the challenge. I would be meeting most of the people there for the first time ever, so I could "start over". I had to seem dangerous to avoid danger, and so I did. I'd prefer to avoid entering into details but, by the end of the first week there, most teachers feared me, and most classmates respected me.

Because of my own fears, I became something like a monster, feared by others. I still got into some trouble from time to time, but I'd normally settle things with a burst of violence, then go somewhere where nobody would notice me and cry like crazy, without knowing why. I was no longer a continuous victim of bullying and harassment, and yet I felt worse than ever. I of course knew that something was wrong, but I wouldn't realize until some years later that I was destroying every bit of "me" that was true or genuine. Out of the fear of being destroyed by others, I was destroying myself and anyone who attempted to get close to me. Hadn't change come in time, I'd now probably be on prison or even dead.

Fortunately, change came. By summer in 2000 (I was 14 by then), I moved with my family to a nearby town. I spent most of the summer on my own, since I barely knew a few people on town, and had plenty of time to start finding myself. That was a bit slow, however, and when the new school year began, I had just managed to remember that I was not who I was often pretending to be. I wanted to stop hiding and be myself, but was still too afraid to do so, and I had to ensure my new classmates would at least respect me. Thus for the first few weeks, I kept hiding behind my "mask", and ready to answer violence with violence, threats with violence, and offenses with violence.

I haven't used violence again since I left my old neighborhood Instead of looking for weaknesses to abuse, most people on that town just tried to know me better and even cared about me, just like they normally cared about each other. After a while, I was laughing at jokes that earlier would have triggered a fight to show my "alpha-male superiority". Quite often, some of my new friends would joke treating me like a girl (mostly because of my long hair): while this would have ended with someone at the nurse during my earlier years, I was able to take that as what they were, just jokes. I even felt complimented by this kind of jokes, although I was still too afraid to openly admit it.

During those years, I was rediscovering a lot about myself. I opened myself towards others quite a lot, yet I still kept some things just for myself. The more I shared with these great people, the more I wanted to share. During that time I got back in touch with one of my childhood friends and his own friends, which soon became also my friends. Thanks to frequent D&D role-playing sessions (where, unsurprisingly, I was always playing female characters), I got a great chance to explore my femininity. By that time, I was quite aware I was much more a girl than I was a boy. But still, I couldn't understand why did I have a male body, or what should or could I do about it.

That same summer (on 2002) I met someone who would change my life forever. By the end of the summer I was dating her, and we have been through a lot over seven years. Things didn't work too well during the first two years: feeling as a girl within myself, but dating a girl; it took me a lot of self-discovery before I could be sure that what I felt was unconditional love and not just friendship.

It was when I watched Boys don't cry that I first identified myself as transsexual. However, as I got so carried by the film's story, its harshness was enough to revive all my old fears. Fortunately, I learned (even if only a bit) from my past mistakes: despite I was afraid beyond reason to reveal myself, I knew I shouldn't walk the same path again. I was in constant conflict for years, wanting to reveal myself but afraid to do so; but I didn't lose myself again behind a mask. I keep exploring the subject and learning as much as I can, even if I didn't dare to put that knowledge to use.

After high school (which I finished on 2003) came job and college; but I could only endure the stress and pressure for two years before having to quit college. Added to the stress of jobs and studies I had to deal with my own conflicts of loving an hetero girl and feeling a girl myself, plus my need to come out but my fears of doing so.

I kept struggling to move my life on until, roughly two years ago, I took a hard choice. I decided to sacrifice myself and try to be a "man" to make her as happy as she deserves. It seemed to work at the beginning; I would do almost anything for her. But I couldn't lie to her, and I was doing this continuously. It wasn't easy, and it took me several sleepless nights to gather the courage for it, but last year I came out to her. It was quite a shock at the beginning, but now she's digesting it and it seems there is some hope.

After that, I also spoke to my closest family, and on April this year I started therapy. And just a few days ago, I found the best website related to this subject I have ever seen

So that's my life. Mostly a story about fear to be myself, and a need to do so that has finally led me to face such fears. It's an unfinished story yet, but nobody can tell the future.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Ethain.....

{{{ HUGS }}} sweetie. The confusion, the feelings, the fear, are all a very real part of what many of us go through. I lied to myself for years, and actually pulled off being a "family man" for a while. What I learned the hard way (which seems to be the only way that I learn) is that you cannot lie to yourself indefinetly. The longer you hold yourself back, the more vengeful your innner self will be when she comes out. For a while, I was on a runaway train. Finding Laura's helped to temper me and come to terms with who I am and calming the vengeful woman inside. Now, I am calmly accepting myself as the woman I always knew, helped back for the longest time, fought with, ran away with, only to come to rest as truely myself.

Love you

Brenda

[Guest Kayliegh]

*hugs* Ethain!

I agree with Brenda –many of us go on being what we’re expected to be until we can’t do it any longer! I waited all my life (40+ years) to come to terms with being me and, if I knew if I didn’t do something soon, I’d end up in a hospital (or the morgue!)

I’m glad you found Laura’s – it’s been the best for me, too! Friends and resource’s are abundant here and everyone is so helpful and caring!

Love you & hugs - Kayleigh

[Guest mynw]

OMG;you scared me honey at first but finally

I get happy end ,,all my emotions are waving with you at that

long journey Ethain,,

be happy be well

love you,,

you catch the path,please keep going,

all our wishes to be fine and finding peaceful life

for more and more long happy life,,

Thanks so much to sharing that pains,fears,conflicting,..etc

we are one family

feel free to contact any members of our family here,,

all we take care,by different ways,,silent and prayers for you

another troubling you by such high noise,,

love you

your sister

Bulloo,,