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Guest Michelle M

Hello all, I've been lurking here for 2 days, and it seems like a really nice community. I have a hard time reaching out to people. I'm 27 (male), and I've been seriously consideration transition lately. (MTF) All through my life the thought has come and gone, but only lightly. I was never as serious as now, and I don't know what brought it about. On some days I'm 100% sure, but during other moments it scares the hell out of me, and I'm like; oh my god, would I really do this. It's very confusing and I wish I could stop thinking about it. Anyway, I kind of mapped out a list that I would show my therapist, reasons for transition, and reasons against. It helps my confusion a bit.

Reasons for:

- I'm not religious at all, so no conflicts with that.

- I hate men. I generally cannot stand them. I get annoyed when I hang out with male friends, and how they refer to or treat women. "she's such a cute little pregnant dog" or "The pregnant dog just called me" Women who might even respect them, and the men say that behind their backs. I usually have to force a smile or a weak laugh to fit in when they talk like that. I have a friend that has total road rage when he drives around, even getting irritated or flat out peed about the smallest things, and acts like he's the perfect driver. I don't know if it's an effect of male hormone or not. Also, I can't stand how they're so competitive. They can't take a loss gracefully, and absolutely have to shove it in your face when they win. Speaking of grace, I hate overdone belching or farting without an apology. I'm not really into violence, or rough housing, or martial arts, or randomly kicking doors, or kicking each other, like my friends do.

- I'm a person that does cosplay. (Look it up on wiki!) Maybe it's what's made me so open minded about clothes and gender. Because of it, I've really grown to love makeup! I love how I can hide imperfections with it. That probably makes me sound vain, which I guess I sort of am.

- Growing up, I've always been called gay, even sometimes at various workplaces. I guess it's because of my effeminate mannerisms, looks, or my voice. In my teens, I've been called ma'am on the phone before, and got very annoyed with it. But now maybe I'm seeing it as a blessing or benefit. I'm also good at cooking and my female cousins give me flak for it. I suppose I'm an androgynous person, and general society doesn't know how to deal with me.

- This one is probably silly, but when I was young my mom took me to buy a stuffed animal, I chose hello kitty. Also when I was young, my grandmother was introducing me to someone, and I said "Hi, I'm [grandma's name]'s grand daughter"! I don't know what the heck it was, a Freudian Slip or whatever, but the look on the guy's face was priceless. Yes, I realize it's probably silly of me to remember and try to rationalize little signs like this.

- I don't know what it is, but after many disappointing relationships, I stopped wanting one. I don't know why, but I don't want the standard marriage/children thing that society and parents try to afflict on me. Maybe I never got the parent genes. I've been single for 7 years and I'm quite content with it. I'm sexually attracted to women, so if I transitioned, I would be bi or lesbian. If a relationship I could be happy with happened, great, but I'm perfectly happy not having one, and wouldn't really go out of my way to persue anything. It might sound weird, but I treat my genitals as a seperate entity. It's like; there, you've had your daily walk, can you leave me alone now so I can get back to life? I realize and accept that I could have a chance to never orgasm again, and I wouldn't miss it. It's just a small facet in all the wonderful things life has to offer. I don't need or depend on another person to make me happy, I'm happy with just me. I seriously hate my sex drive, and my irritation and aggression. I feel like my bouts with depression could be linked to testosterone irritation too. Reading about the effects of loss of hormones appealed to me.

- I'm a confident person in some areas, but I'm weak or timid in certain things. I can't tell people off, I don't like to argue, and I don't like confrontations. I'll usually just back down.

Reasons against:

- Society is the big thing. I might be ruled by fear on this one. I'm afraid of violent crimes against TS, and being clocked or outed, and the way society generally doesn't accept us. I'm 5'10'', and that's something I can't change about myself, and I'm worried it would make me very clockable. My weight and the rest of my features are smallish, especially for my body, so I'm not worried about those. My shoe size is around women's 11 or 12.

- I'm not sure how my family would react, or accept me. Although, I don't care too much on this one. If they want to banish me, it wouldn't be much of a loss to me.

- I'm afraid of the entire transition process, honestly. I don't want to end up with a bad therapist, and surgery scares me a bit. I could go through with it, but I'm afraid of complications/mistakes, or the pain afterwards.

- I'm afraid of the work situation. Why would I want to add one more reason to get turned away to my resume`?

In closing, I'd like to say that if I could wave a magic wand, and become perfectly female in every way, I'd do it. Or if I could start my life over, but be reborn as female, I'd do it. But life isn't that easy. I feel like this confusion might be an awakening for me, because I've been depressed all my life without totally knowing why, but lately I've felt happy and inspired to achieve this lofty goal. I just hate all of my confusion and self arguments about do it/don't do it, and I hate being afraid. Anyway, my first step is to find a therapist and talk with them about all this, and see if I can try androgens for awhile to see how it makes me feel. I'd plan a transition process of about 3 to 4 years.

Sorry for writing a novel.

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Feedback, criticism, advice, positive comments, and friendship all welcomed!

(I might post pics later if I can get a working camera)

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Guest Cassandra_s

Hi Michelle,

Except for the cosplay thing, you sound quite a bit like I felt 10 years ago.

The major difference is that I didn't do anything about it, then at 29 fell truely head-over-heels in love, and had two kids. I love my wife and children dearly, it would be a terrible burden on them if I should transition (and it is very hard not to). I was not up front with my wife, I didn't tell her until 6 weeks ago. Don't end up where I am today.

Michelle - please - read EVERYTHING. Go get every book, read every web site, and find someone to talk to. Don't worry about finding a bad therapist... it seems to me that's like having a bad tooth and being so worried about a bad dentist that you'd rather live with the pain. Please find someone, and if you don't like her or him you can always find a different one.

You don't need to rush, you don't need to make a decision to transition or not today.

I wish you the best of luck with your journey, which ever way it takes you.

Cassie

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Hello Michelle,

And welcome to the playground girlfriend.

My,but you have thought this out haven't you?

And that is a very good thing indeed my dear.

Taking the long slow route is the best way to approach this.

IF you decide that the only route to true happiness is transition...

For you sound like a (T) to me...

Coming out will be the next step in your evolution.

As difficult as it is,hiding ones true self is much much harder.

And yes,there will be negativity,and yes,you will lose many male friends.

Some family members willnot be surprised by your choice(What took you so long)

And some will go away not able to accept the change.

But,the ones that learn that she is you,will stand by you,but it takes time.

When they do come around(and they will)you will cherish them UmmmHmmm.

As far as transviolence,i have had none thrown at me.

Being confident in who you are really helps tremendously(I Am A Woman)

Being nonsexual has helped in that i do not put myself at risk...Or in men's path.

If you decide that this is the path you must follow,welcome sister.

You are going in with eyes wide open.

Do Not Let Fear Stop You from Being A Whole Happy Person(Got It?)

Welcome once again,for you are most very welcome Sister.

Hugs,

Angie.

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Guest Bethany

Hello Michelle,

It sounds to me as if your desires are progressive in nature, this could eventualy lead to be a very serious thing indeed. I suspect you may already know what you want to do, and you are just trying to find the logic in it, but I may be wrong. At any rate therapy is the place to start. It is my opinion that no one needs therapy, but everyone could benefit from the right therapist. Also take Cassie's advice and collect all the information you can, but always look for the bias in the info you find. There are a lot of pretty pictures painted in the name of self justification out there, and also a lot of horror stories. I hope you find what it is, that can give you a feeling of happiness and ballance in your life.

/hugs Bethany

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