I'm Realu Struggling.......

[Flint]

I'm trying to get myself emotionally stronger....But it it just aint working....... I'm driving self insane. I get some detemination then it seesm to dissapear, completley. it just goes within seconds. My moods change so much it gets unbareable. Okay one min and within seconds i can find myself so low down in dispair there just seems to be no way out. Or i'm mixed with okay yet feeling so sad all at the same time. Sometimes the smallest thing triggers despair. I dunno where to start with the tryin to get stronger anymore. Some people say they think i have bi-polar. but i dont know. I'm driving myself insane! My mind races one day. slows down the next. i just ahhhhhhhhhhhh.......*holds head as if he is trying to keep his brain!*

How do you cope with life in general? Aswell as the trans thing? And do you feel constantly that your in more danger than 'normal' people?

[Guest Nicholas Aiden]

I know exactly how you feel. Mine don't fluctuate quite as often, but I have the hardest time making myself do things... its insane. I feel stagnant and disattached sometimes and sometimes I don't. I am so fed up with college its not even funny. If you ever want to talk pm me or something, I understand how you feel.

[Guest AlexJ]

Hey Matty,

You may be bi-polar but probably need to see a doctor to check that.

Be worth it just to talk to someone, and be reassured you're as normal as anyone else

You're not going insane.

I know I'm BP, and have in the past taken anti-depressants to level out the highs and lows.

They worked and I was a lot calmer.

My father is BP too, I suppose it's genetic.

How do I cope with life? I learn to accept the mood changes, and do different things when I feel low.

Make the most of the highs to get things done.

Finding out that I'll never get a job with M16 was a big blow though

The trans thing? Er, I ignore it and hope it will go away

Feel constantly in danger? A common thought amongst anxious/depressed people. Rationally you know that you

are in no more danger than anyone else, but depression can raise paranoia.

Chin up, little dude and get yourself a doctor's appointment soon as

AJ

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

I cope with life by just trying to deal with a day at a time.

I have trouble becoming motivated. I get distracted easily...

Basically have you have to make yourself want to live and want to do things and give yourself reasons to do them.

A therapist might be a good idea, yeah. Just to get stuff straightened out, right?

[Guest Darrel]

I think every transsexual suffers emotional mood swings of some sort. I know I certainly do. (Judging by this topic, and many of my transsexual friends, there is a correlation.)

I often feel worthless because I'm not trying hard enough to pass. My binder is too small, and I'm too bloody lazy to find something else to use instead. Thinking along these lines makes me depressed and angry with myself, and when I try to become inspired and work towards my goal once more, it seems I never get anywhere. It's a constant struggle to inspire myself and stay inspired.

Don't feel bad. We're all here to support you! You may have bi-polar, but I doubt it. I think such mood swings are normal for someone suffering such mental, physical, and social trauma.

[Guest Huff]

fluctuating, anxiety, depression, anger, fear, hopelessness, lack of energy... yeah... I'm there with you.

Here's the things I tried that DIDN'T work to deal with life and with me:

-pretend it didn't exist (either the anxiety/depression or the fact of my transness)

-tried to work harder and perform better than anyone else to find some validation

-forced myself to try to fit a feminine role (tried dating guys, then tried being a nun and then tried dating guys again)

-binged on food until I threw up

-hid in my room and drank alcohol until I was unconscious

-anti-depressant medications (sometimes they work for other people, but they didn't help me at all)

-tried living in 4 different states and 3 different countries in the past 5 years - no matter where I went, there I was!

-started on 8 different career paths 8 years

Wow... I'm so glad I don't have to do any of that anymore! It's a little shocking to actually look at how crazy I had to let my life get before I was willing to consider the option of self-acceptance.

Here's what I have found that DOES work for me:

-be honest with myself about who I am and realize that it's OK/I'm not a mistake or intrinsically bad because of my gender identity

-talk to people who can relate with me when I am stressed (bulimics, alcoholics, transguys -btw are there any other transgendered bulimic alcoholics around? that could be a cool conversation)

-go to support meetings (12-Step meetings have worked wonders for me; hopefully I'll get to participate in some support meetings for transguys after I move to Seattle)

-educate myself on what healthy emotional processing and boundaries look like and work on it/practice it (I was unlucky in that my parents and extended family only have one emotional coping tool:alcohol - which left me unequipped to deal with life and esp. with being transgendered)

-go to counseling with a therapist who "gets it" - I've been going once a week, but over the holiday season, I'll twice a week because there is a LOT of extra stress with family and chest surgery coming up in January.

Coming through all of this, I have come to believe two things:

1. No one is perfectly balanced or happy. We all need to build ourselves a good set of tools in order to deal with ourselves.

2. If I can claw my way out of the depths of Hell, it's possible for other people to get some emotional recovery too.

MK

PS- sometimes people don't reach out for help because they don't think they will be understood or will be judged crazy or stupid. If you hit that point, PM me, 'cause I've probably been crazier and/or stupider :-)