Life Of Erei

[Guest Roy Regicide]

Disclaimer : If you are prone to sadness, may not want to read this. I've had a friend break down from it... so you were warned.

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This story starts off with a boy who isn't even supposed to be alive.

Erei's mother found she was pregnant, and freaked and tried getting a chemical abortion. Needless to say it was ineffective since there is a continuation, but the sheer fact of him being an unwanted child sets the scene for most of his life. After this attempt, Erei's mother decided that another attempt would be wrong and thus he was born.

Ereinion's birth went like any other. Born at 11:43 pm on a September evening, the one thing that the nurses noticed most about this child was his seeming refusal to make a sound. Other children in the ward were bawling as if they lost their loves, while he was just laying around silently exploring the new world. After a month in the ICU for rotovirus and massive ear infections he was able to be released. Once able to go home, the family returned to their lonely farm in Indiana. It was a quiet place with many wild cats and so his parents set up an animal clinic. His early companions being the animals that were rescued, taken care of then released. Ereinion learned quickly, teaching himself to do many things children at his age were just dreaming about doing.

This continued on till in his 2nd year of life, Ereinion gained a special companion. Sabrina was her name, a royal bengal tiger who was still slightly a kitten but about as big as he was. The pair were inseperable, growing up together, playing together, and eventually Sabrina regarded the human as one of her own. One incident Erei's father tried to take the sleeping babe from the tiger, Sabrina would not stand for that and bit down ferosciously on his hand to defend what she saw as her son.

But as all things, this was not meant to last, Sabrina died a year later of unknown causes. This devastated Erei, and was his first true understanding of loss. After this tragedy, the family moved to Nevada due to the father's Marine Corps enrollment the family moved around a lot. A farm was once again attempted here, but to no avail. Eventually, the father was transferred to Quantico Virginia and the family moved into the outskirts of Partlow. Here a large property was purchased and for a time it was good. Camping, horseback riding and swimming were in plenty and the farm thrived. The father retired from the M.C. later that year to help raise the family.

This marks the high peak in this story, as after the retirement everything changed. With the father seeing action and having post traumatic stress disorder combined with the favoritism of country over cities for business and schooling, things were rough. Every day for day care Erei was driven an hour and a half away so his mother could work at the closest college as a professor.

Stress caught up with the family, and was often taken out on Erei in the form of blame and belt. Soon the family brought a daughter and another son into the world, only adding to the strained finances and overworked parents. The beatings continued, and increased in frequency. Eventually it got to the point in which Erei felt little to no pain in his torso from the nerve damage done to his body. He still looked on the world as brightly as possible however...

When he was 9, the boy moved out to L.A. with his father for a year to see a new place and meet new people. The new age was just getting started, and all over you could see how... accepting everyone was. Preps were hanging out with punks and gays could be open without reprimand. Erei's father was very close with the police force and so Erei was able to get in experiences others could only dream of. His marksmanship was frightening at such an early age with a pistol and a rifle, earning praise from the seasoned members of the defense force. He was taught how to drive at high speeds, do difficult maneuvers and control the auto. This would be the bulk of his experience out there, drag racing, drifting, and just plain street racing. Erei loved to do this, the adrenaline blocking out painful memories and setting him free of his life.

When the father had to go back, and bring Erei with him it was a tough time. The family was homeless for the better part of 2 years. This was not looked down on however, as the child just decided to make it a way to learn how to survive when needed. Things were done that were unhonorable, but necessary as well as placing a deep humility in his character. Once the family got a steady home again the stress started and so did the abuse. This is probably what would lead to the shaking of Erei's faith later in life. This also marks his first suicide attempt, thankfully (now) the shotgun misfired and it failed. The one thing that bothered him was that noone noticed or even seemed to care, setting up a lack of care for his life that continued.

At 12, Erei's parents divorced each other and the mother gained custody. Whenever the child wanted to stay home, his father would guilt trip him into coming along for a weekend of verbal assault. Erei blamed himself for the parent's split and started cutting himself to try and relieve the pain. During a particularly bad episode, he cut too deep and lost most of his ability to feel pain in his right arm after hitting a nerve.

At 13, Erei was raped. There is no soft was to put it, one day the babysitter at the time had a sexually deranged boyfriend and Erei was left alone with him for an hour... this being all the time he needed. Erei's depression worsened, his self esteem non existent but still having an immovable caring of others that would set him apart from humanity. The one good thing that came of this was a realization of attraction in personalities vs sex and his commitment to pansexuality. Unfortunately a highly religiously conservative state is not the best place for difference, so attractions and personality were kept locked up in order to avoid persecution.

The family lived near the ghettos of Virginia and even in them, unable to get a stable home. Erei developed some close friendships with people, defending them whenever a fight broke out. Living on the street was just another experience to the boy however, and so it went on. Erei was shot at at times, daily drive-bys and murders a common place. Charles was probably closer than family, the 2 defending each other, both having taken knife wounds or bullets for the other, so it was even more devastating when Charles was shot to death, Erei close by and having to watch as his brother's life slipped away. Erei wandered throughout life with no friends or comfort for years, refusing to make attachments as his last hurt him so, scarring him forever...

The family finally got a break and bought a house in a relatively safe neighborhood. This marks the end of the middle school experience of Erei, where getting jumped in school or at the bus stop was common, but devoid of the more violent crimes. Several friends were finally made during this period, his fear of loss overcome. Just hitting puberty, Erei really never had any major changes, more like subtle fluctuations. He always knew that he loved both genders equally, each having its own unique style of love and he cherished both. Erei was pretty big, being naturally tall and just large in general and combined with depression he gained weight. Becoming obese only continued the cycle till eventually the gain plateaued.

After this, Erei started high school. This was a really different experience in the general view of things, the social aspect seemed to be no one caring about each other and as long as you didn't bother anyone things were alright. This suited him quite well and so he stayed inconspicuous A few close friends were met throughout the years at highschool, most staying with Erei even to this day. Erei gained more friends throughout high school, defending people in fights and the like once more. The one connection that he had with his friends was that no matter what their problems were, he could always help. Erei had become a sort of empathic way with people, his life giving him a first hand experience of almost any problem possible. This became his calling, helping everyone he could no mater who and earning him many friends for life.

As a senior Erei was doing ok. His grades were decent, he was accepted to a few colleges and life actually seemed to be good. This was all just the surface of the storm however, as life at home was worse than ever. Constant fights and yelling broke out between family members as Erei tried to become who he always felt he was. In a christian family this was a major issue as God hates homosexuals apparently, so Erei had to hide it for the time being. The pain of hiding who you really are simply from the fear of being prosecuted is like being a blank face, not ever being you.

Erei had no real love life, as he wasn't exactly a looker. Sure he was a kind and caring person who would be there to listen, or help through issues and problems but since people have almost no care as to this issue, he mostly went unnoticed. The one girlfriend he happened to stumble upon for a mere month made him happy, and all the more crushed when she stopped loving him out of the blue. Having noone ever really care, then experiencing it and going back to the void gives a comparison and so the pain just seems to be all the greater. No matter how much hurt the people he loved caused him, he couldn't throw that emotion away...

Being an emotional wreck Erei got in a lot of bad situations. Daily fights were sought out, never started but he knew where to go. Having most of his at the time current friends being involved in gangs he opted to join them on fights to defend his "family" while never actually joining one. Several large conflicts and many small ones occurred, most of the time he was able to walk away with just a few bruises, maybe some cuts if he wasn't quick enough but several landed him in his bed recovering for days on end. Uncaring about personal safety he continued, untold numbers of people hurt or worse and scars added.

Erei graduated highschool and not too long after it was time for higher education. Erei got accepted at an unnoticed but still decent school. His grades throughout the adjustment period were shakey due to the sheer laziness of doing busy work and outside issues. The schooling isn't important however, it is the issues we will focus on.

Erei had his heart crushed a few times, either by people simply not wanting to risk a friend over the possibility or love, or in more specific circumstances saying they would date him then the next minute going off with another. Being told you are a really sweet person and then being blown off just seemed to stimulate the thought in Erei's mind that being kind is a weakness, but one he couldn't be rid of sadly.

Many times when he was depressed or needed something, he would get into fights. Fist fights, knife fights, anything seemed to go. Being in the adrenaline rush of not being sure if you were going to survive was a great way to rid himself of the depression. Favors for things he couldn't afford from gang associates was another reason for fights, as being a big person he was often a great asset.

Erei had a subtle nerve disorder due to his upbringing, not realizing it till around his 18th birthday. This disease required dopamine for Erei to continue living, and since his calling has not yet been finished he had to adopt any way of getting it he could (the most common being smoking). Erei also has been diagnosed an alcoholic due to the amount of drinking he does, even when it gets him nowhere.

The social life picked up, parties, alcohol, hookah, cigarettes and dancing all seemed to be able to drive out the realities of being disowned, abandoned by all of his friends and being used. But all of this was just an attempt to postpone realty's hard knock and while it worked, eventually everything caught up with him.

All the bad decisions he has made, the people he has unknowingly hurt, the ones he knew he did but never meant to. Being mocked for how he looks and his life and love choices, now laying in bed wondering why he is even alive after over 15 attempts on his own life and what the point to his pathetic existence is, we leave Erei.

and yet

not a year later Erei changed his life, the fights slowed then stopped, he quit alcohol cold turkey, he came out to his mother and siblings about his sexuality and developing personality, and he started gaining a positive outlook on his life as he found music. Djing vinyls and playing guitar seemed to be the only thing that helped him but they worked. Eventually he learned to forgive himself for his mistakes that he couldn't fix... some things still haunting him but he has learned to cope. He is still partly lost, but now he has some sense of direction...

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well there ya go, skipped over a lot but that is the summarized version.

So to long didn't read - I cut for about 5 - 6 years, with a 2 month break somewhere in there, around 15 suicide attempts over 10 years with everything from guns to ropes to pills, various fights landing several people in the hospital possibly worse for a few, alcoholism for 3 years and obesity for 9.

then I had enough

I am now a year and half sober, no cutting or any form of self abuse (pills, suicide attempts etc) for nearly 2 years, no more going into the ghettos to purposely get jumped in a year and I am no longer clinically obese. My family as far as I know is back on track enough, my siblings living with mom and a steady house / income. I have been accepted for my sexuality amongst all my friends and my immediate family save dad, I finally opened up to the world and let myself be what I want and feel. I use my past to help others with understanding and experience that I wouldn't have any other way.

Now I am trying to find myself completely, but I have confidence that I will.