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I'm A Bit Confused..


Guest aotearoa

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Guest aotearoa

Hi. I am stoked to have found a site that is informative, supportive and genuinely caring. The whole gender identity stuff is so confusing and it gives me courage to explore it knowing that there are people who will not judge me and offer their thoughts and support in what has seemed such a huge obstacle. Thank you.

I am a 37 year old biological female, who has a male wired brain. I have known my brain works in a male manner for many years and I accept that quite comfortably. My appearance is more male than female and even when I try to look more feminine it just doesn't come off well. I feel so uncomfortable when I try to look feminine and if friends or family try to push me to dress that way I experience high anxiety and panic. I feel comfortable wearing more male or neutral clothing. I wear my hair short. I walk and talk like one of the boys. I have a few very strong female friends who accept me as I present and I appreciate them. I have very little tolerance for girly girls or catty woman. I just don't get them at all and find I have nothing in common with them. I get on better with men and understand how they work better.

I was sexually abused by a female cousin when I was 6 and I subconsciously suppressed it until I was 19. I was also abused by a number of men when I was a teenager. I wonder whether my early sexual abuse caused this bit I don't know. After the initial abuse I became or maybe just accentuated my tom boyish dressing and manner. I had grand mal seizures for a year after that and when my mother, who didn't know about the abuse, took me to a specialist they were reading my file. They said my name, my biological gender and then said "Should we check?" I was 7 years old. I have been teased mercilessly by other girls and teenagers through school and it really knocked my confidence. I felt so bad all the time. I started using drugs at 13 and had a needle habit by 14. From 13 I have had active suicidal ideation on a daily basis and have made many attempts. Maybe not to die, just to stop the pain. I self harmed for many years but no longer do that as I realise that behaviour is just an indicator of my stress levels at any given time. I have also learnt that just because I think about killing myself, I don't have to act on it. Again, the intensity of those thoughts and feelings are indicators of my emotional wellbeing at that particular time. I no longer use drugs and alcohol as I did in the past.

I have had relationships, some causal some longer term, with men and a woman. I have always experienced the same anxiety around physical contact with men. I felt like the male in the relationship with the woman I was with. I have recently left a relationship with a man who loves me very much because I couldn't handle any physical contact or when he looked at me in a sexual manner. It hurt me to leave. I felt I had no choice because I was screaming inside all the time.

I have a beautiful 17 month old daughther. Her father was a casual sex partner. He is part of her life on a sporadic basis by his choice. When I found out I was having a girl I paniced because I couldn't see how I could teach her anything about being a girl. I still feel that way but have enlisted my strong woman friends to help me fill that role. I don't want her to experience the teasing, confusion and feeling different like I did growing up.

I just wish I knew what to do. Please help. Thank you for listening.

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Kia Ora.... welcome to LP.This is the place you've been looking for.... I can't give you much advice though as I am going the other way...

Cheers from the other side of the ditch...

Regards, Tassie Tiff.

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Guest Elizabeth K

Its early here and I have to go to work so I cannot post a long message - and you so need someone to talk to. I am sort of rare as I am gender dysphoric, yet have a lot of gender dysphoric friends, including my first cousin who is pretty much like you. She does not like labels - so it is not a clear case that she is actually a FTM transperson - but I suspect she is. She has a man's mindset and always has had it.

Me? Strangely I am the other way. We always kidded about exchanging bodies - but science hasn't figured that one out yet.

So you are in the right place here at Laura's. We are very supportive of each other, and completely non-judgememntal. We also are here for you should you get depressed and/or self-distructive. Talk to us! We are always around. AND we understand you exactly - and instantly!

And don't worry about labels - just worry about happiness and sanity.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

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Guest aotearoa
Kia Ora.... welcome to LP.This is the place you've been looking for.... I can't give you much advice though as I am going the other way...

Cheers from the other side of the ditch...

Regards, Tassie Tiff.

Kia Ora! Nice to know someone knows where NZ is! I am impressed with the scope of this site. I believe there is help here!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Its early here and I have to go to work so I cannot post a long message - and you so need someone to talk to. I am sort of rare as I am gender dysphoric, yet have a lot of gender dysphoric friends, including my first cousin who is pretty much like you. She does not like labels - so it is not a clear case that she is actually a FTM transperson - but I suspect she is. She has a man's mindset and always has had it.

Me? Strangely I am the other way. We always kidded about exchanging bodies - but science hasn't figured that one out yet.

So you are in the right place here at Laura's. We are very supportive of each other, and completely non-judgememntal. We also are here for you should you get depressed and/or self-distructive. Talk to us! We are always around. AND we understand you exactly - and instantly!

And don't worry about labels - just worry about happiness and sanity.

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

Kia Ora Lizzy! Thank you for your welcome. I appreciate the opportunity to offload all that stuff. I am in process of working it all out. It seems to me that I would be happy living on an island away from society as the anxiety comes from other people's reaction to me rather than from within. I am reasonably content just being me and being a 'mum/parent/human guidance and love receptacle' for my daugther. Have a great day at work.

Arohanui, Ao

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Kia Ora! Nice to know someone knows where NZ is! I am impressed with the scope of this site. I believe there is help here!

Arohanui, Ao

Well NZ is bigger and more populated then where I live.... I am in Tasmania..... AND consider myself Half Kiwi... Dad was from Dunedin..... SO I can relate to the folks from the Land of the wrong White Crowd LOL

Regards, Tiff XOXOX

Or should we be rubbing noses....?

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I tried the Island Idea already mate...... And the less people there is... the more they know about you.... Strike that one off your list of 'To Do Items'

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Guest aotearoa

Rogie Tassie Tiff! I'll get the hang of this computer stuff soon. Just noticed your little profile thing on the side of the page. Your dad was from dunners huh? Pretty cold down there! Im in Whangarei. The winterless north. They are having a drag night at one of the club's here on Sat nite.

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Guest madelane

Hi Lizzy

Welcome indeed to a truly lovely and supportive site with many many shared experiences on offer to help us through those tough times.

So welcome from the Southern tip of Africa

Hugs

Madelane

xx

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Guest Joanna Phipps

Welcome from the middle of New Mexico USofA, this is one fantastic group of people with so many countries represented and so many points of view it isnt hard for us to help nearly everyone. Feel free to post to your hearts content, there are no limits to how big your posts can be (or how short or silly).

Now its time to wander over to the table, nick a couple of cookies and get some coffee... sorry cocoa would put me to sleep since im on the back end of a night shift and havent slept for nearly 40 hours.

hugs and welcome

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Guest Elizabeth K

New Orleans here - Banana Republic of the United States!

But we love and work and play HARD! And eat strange foods...

Again - welcome - HUGE scope of people here at Laura's - huge diversity! you will like it here!

Lizzy

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Rogie Tassie Tiff! I'll get the hang of this computer stuff soon. Just noticed your little profile thing on the side of the page. Your dad was from dunners huh? Pretty cold down there! Im in Whangarei. The winterless north. They are having a drag night at one of the club's here on Sat nite.

They have the "Queen's Ball" here in Hobart... Organised by the GLC (Gay and Lesbian Council)...... I went to one of them here and was disappointed.... I put in an effort to 'Dress' for the occassion..... ( I looked Hot)... Most of the rest arrived in Ripped Jeans and T-Shirts and running shoes.... I was Over Dressed..... LOL..... I went with an OLD Mate of mine who is Post Op and an Ex Les Girls Show Girl..... She is 62 now.... But Still Hot..... Men, Women and some folks I couldn't hang a label on were hovering around her like moths to a flame. She got really embarrassing and Flashed her Magnificent 'Sisters' in front of a crowd of men... LOL (and me cause I was with her) all night..... Lots of free drinks.... AND we were Both invited back to a swanky Private Club afterwards.... For more drinks and dancing...

I know a Few J.A.F.A T Girls... Apparently the GRS Surgeon in NZ is top rate... And booked solid

I am happy to chat on the Al Capone any time... IM me for the number...

regards, Tiff. XOXOX

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Guest AlexiThink

Wow, this is a very demographically diverse group!

Welcome from Canada!!!

I myself am a biological female with a baby girl.

Yes, I agree. All of this gender identity stuff is very confusing. I'm still figuring it out too.

What name/pronouns do you prefer? If you don't know, that's cool too.

PM me any time.

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Guest aotearoa
Hi Lizzy

Welcome indeed to a truly lovely and supportive site with many many shared experiences on offer to help us through those tough times.

So welcome from the Southern tip of Africa

Hugs

Madelane

xx

Kia Ora Madelane, Thank you for the welcome. I wonder why there is so much discrimination when gender difference is widespread all over the world. Is it because difference threatens other's perception of who they are?

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Welcome from the middle of New Mexico USofA, this is one fantastic group of people with so many countries represented and so many points of view it isnt hard for us to help nearly everyone. Feel free to post to your hearts content, there are no limits to how big your posts can be (or how short or silly).

Now its time to wander over to the table, nick a couple of cookies and get some coffee... sorry cocoa would put me to sleep since im on the back end of a night shift and havent slept for nearly 40 hours.

hugs and welcome

Kia Ora Joanna! Cookies sound good, might skip the coffee in favour of an ice cold coke! Sleep isn't a bad thing although not get had with my baby girl! She is of the opinion that sleep is unnecessary! I beg to differ! Thank you for the welcome.

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
New Orleans here - Banana Republic of the United States!

But we love and work and play HARD! And eat strange foods...

Again - welcome - HUGE scope of people here at Laura's - huge diversity! you will like it here!

Lizzy

Kia Ora Lizzy! I did not know that New Orleans was the Banana Republic of the United States! It could be said that Northland is the Cannabis Republic of Aotearoa! Something to do with the weather. Not that I partake anymore but it certainly is a cash crop here! I moved up from Auckland, the biggest city in NZ, to live with my Brother and his wife. I don't know how they will feel about the gender stuff. I hope they will accept that this is who I am. I think they will. No need to talk to them about it until I have it more clear in my own head. Otherwise we will all be confused!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Wow, this is a very demographically diverse group!

Welcome from Canada!!!

I myself am a biological female with a baby girl.

Yes, I agree. All of this gender identity stuff is very confusing. I'm still figuring it out too.

What name/pronouns do you prefer? If you don't know, that's cool too.

PM me any time.

Kia Ora AlexiThink!

What part of Canada do you hail from? Name, Ao is fine. Not fussed with pronouns at this point. What does PM mean? How old is your baby? Was she a catalyst for you to seriously look at this stuff? Anika was my catalyst, along with a relationship with a man who I love but can not handle the physical contact etc stuff from. It has been rumbling along for many years and I have been able to crush it until it comes up again but know I think I need to get a clearer picture. Even if that picture changes and develops over time, I still need a starting point.

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
They have the "Queen's Ball" here in Hobart... Organised by the GLC (Gay and Lesbian Council)...... I went to one of them here and was disappointed.... I put in an effort to 'Dress' for the occassion..... ( I looked Hot)... Most of the rest arrived in Ripped Jeans and T-Shirts and running shoes.... I was Over Dressed..... LOL..... I went with an OLD Mate of mine who is Post Op and an Ex Les Girls Show Girl..... She is 62 now.... But Still Hot..... Men, Women and some folks I couldn't hang a label on were hovering around her like moths to a flame. She got really embarrassing and Flashed her Magnificent 'Sisters' in front of a crowd of men... LOL (and me cause I was with her) all night..... Lots of free drinks.... AND we were Both invited back to a swanky Private Club afterwards.... For more drinks and dancing...

I know a Few J.A.F.A T Girls... Apparently the GRS Surgeon in NZ is top rate... And booked solid

I am happy to chat on the Al Capone any time... IM me for the number...

regards, Tiff. XOXOX

Kia Ora Tiff!

I didn't go to the drag nite. No baby sitter and I'm not that brave yet! I bet you did look hot too and what a hoot with your mate doing the flash! Bonus with the consequences! Instead, my baby girl and I did the playcentre beach fundraising walk! No flashing there but a good day anyway!!! Lmao!! Not sure if I'll go so far as surgery. I guess those are questions to pose myself later on through the journey. Good to know they are good though. I wonder if I could be genderless? Or would that just complicate life more and make filling out forms impossible!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest AlexiThink
Kia Ora AlexiThink!

What part of Canada do you hail from? Name, Ao is fine. Not fussed with pronouns at this point. What does PM mean? How old is your baby? Was she a catalyst for you to seriously look at this stuff? Anika was my catalyst, along with a relationship with a man who I love but can not handle the physical contact etc stuff from. It has been rumbling along for many years and I have been able to crush it until it comes up again but know I think I need to get a clearer picture. Even if that picture changes and develops over time, I still need a starting point.

Arohanui, Ao

Hi Ao,

I live in Ontario with my mtF spouse, and my 2-month-old baby girl. My spouse was more of a catalyst for me. Although I had known that I wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, she taught me that it was okay to feel that way and that started me thinking more seriously about my gender. I'm trying to get a handle on what it all means, trying to find my starting point too.

PM means private message. Its like email, but specifically for Laura's Playground. You can PM once you've posted on the forums at least 5 times. Which I think you're at.

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Guest Wanderer

Hi Ao, it's nice to meet you! I'm here from the U.S., in Texas, specifically.

I'm a little less certain on any of this. Dunno if I'm androgynous, or mtf, or w/e. I DO know that I'm never happy being the 'guy' in a relationship, as society seems to see it ought be. It seems I can't get away from that though. Even when I'm with another guy (which I don't usually tend to like) I'm, for some reason, expected to be the stronger, more protective one, or something. I dunno if I give off that appearance or what, but I think I'm really effeminate in how I flirt, and try to put off the whole uke image as much. It's just annoying is all. I think when I actually try to flirt, the person either doesn't notice or loses all interest though. ;-;

Oh sorry, 'uke' is a Japanese term. The 'uke' and the 'seme', typically in a gay relationship, are the 'submissive', 'bottom' or 'girl', and the 'dominant', 'top', or 'guy', respectively, in a relationship. I'm kind of an otaku, among other things. ^^;;

And I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter honestly. I know that if/when I have kids, I'm going to make certain not to push them one way or the other in terms of gender biases. In my experience, in the long term, it's a lot more stressful to have your family expect you to be something you're not than it is to be teased for being who you are. *mulls over all the issues of raising kids*.... Oh dear. I'd be a horrible parent. >.< You probably don't need to pay much heed to my advice, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. ^^

Anyways, it's nice to meet you. =3

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Guest aotearoa
Hi Ao, it's nice to meet you! I'm here from the U.S., in Texas, specifically.

I'm a little less certain on any of this. Dunno if I'm androgynous, or mtf, or w/e. I DO know that I'm never happy being the 'guy' in a relationship, as society seems to see it ought be. It seems I can't get away from that though. Even when I'm with another guy (which I don't usually tend to like) I'm, for some reason, expected to be the stronger, more protective one, or something. I dunno if I give off that appearance or what, but I think I'm really effeminate in how I flirt, and try to put off the whole uke image as much. It's just annoying is all. I think when I actually try to flirt, the person either doesn't notice or loses all interest though. ;-;

Oh sorry, 'uke' is a Japanese term. The 'uke' and the 'seme', typically in a gay relationship, are the 'submissive', 'bottom' or 'girl', and the 'dominant', 'top', or 'guy', respectively, in a relationship. I'm kind of an otaku, among other things. ^^;;

And I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter honestly. I know that if/when I have kids, I'm going to make certain not to push them one way or the other in terms of gender biases. In my experience, in the long term, it's a lot more stressful to have your family expect you to be something you're not than it is to be teased for being who you are. *mulls over all the issues of raising kids*.... Oh dear. I'd be a horrible parent. >.< You probably don't need to pay much heed to my advice, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. ^^

Anyways, it's nice to meet you. =3

Hi Wanderer! Nice to meet you! Being expected to be the female in my last relationship is what brought it to an end for me. It caused some much anxiety and anger for me that I couldn't keep going with it. My daughter was picking up on my unexpressed feelings and was becoming unsettled. I don't blame my ex (a male) coz he was just doing what came naturally to him. Unfortunately for him, it doesn't come naturally for me. I feel bad about hurting him and will one day soon try to explain to him how I feel about my gender stuff. I don't know how he will take it, but he deserves the truth. Being a part of this site is helping me become clearer about how I feel and what that means for me. I am still unclear of my course of action ie will I take testosterone, will I get surgery, will I pursue this legally? However, I do feel some peace having worked a few things out and finally admitting and accepting that this is what it is for me. That to continue to try to 'be' female is unhealthy for my state of mind. I am very grateful for this knowledge as some bits of the puzzle actually fit now.

Thanks for the translation too! This is a new world for me and, as in any arena of life, there is jargon. Understanding that jargon continues to demistfy this new world and make it more accessable.

Whatever my daughter decides to be is all good with me. I just want her to be happy and comfortable with herself. I kinda hope she has no gender/sexuality/identity/anything different stuff coz that will make life easier for her. However, it is from difference that character is built. Character is a good thing! I know I am very proud of her everyday and I love her intensely. She is my redemption for that not so cool stuff I did when I was younger.

I hope I can, one day, explain all this to my family. That is in the future and life is lived in the now!

I hope this finds you well and becoming clearer about life!

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest aotearoa
Hi Ao,

I live in Ontario with my mtF spouse, and my 2-month-old baby girl. My spouse was more of a catalyst for me. Although I had known that I wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, she taught me that it was okay to feel that way and that started me thinking more seriously about my gender. I'm trying to get a handle on what it all means, trying to find my starting point too.

PM means private message. Its like email, but specifically for Laura's Playground. You can PM once you've posted on the forums at least 5 times. Which I think you're at.

Kia Ora AlexiThink!

I reckon its pretty cool that you have a partner who gets it and is supportive of your journey! I have some good friends who have encouraged me to be me and I without them the world would be a lonely place. I'm sending you some good vibes to find your starting point... :)

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest Wanderer

Oh, lol, don't worry about knowing what 'uke' means. I only know it because I hang out with anime fangirls too much. xD

And yeah, my dad is bi, and he kind of has some problems with my choices because he identifies with the suffering entailed and considers this suffering more than he wishes me to bear, and while I recognize this and respect him for it, it is very stifling. S'yeah, try not to push the way you feel about what you're going through too much onto her if she does start to tell you that that is how she feels about stuff. That's all. ^^; There comes a point where we have to accept people we love for whom they are, and not keep trying to push the path of least resistance onto them because we think that will make them happier.

I'm sure you won't make that mistake though, I'm just sort of ventilating a bit about my dad's silliness.

He went on and on about how when people are truly at peace with themselves, they don't feel aspect like a 'gender' that can be dissonant with their bodies, or whatever else like that, and when I talked about the relationship I had with my ex, where I was basically more the classical 'girl' and her more the 'guy', he insisted that I could easily find this again, if it was what I wanted, and didn't have to change my body and yatta yatta yatta.... "It's dangerous"..... I KNOW that. >___< I weigh my decisions much more carefully than he ever did growing up.... He's admitted to me that I'm probably smarter than he was at the same age.... It's cuz I had good parents too.... He should know better than to doubt me after raising me. =/

Sorry. Eheheh.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest aotearoa
Oh, lol, don't worry about knowing what 'uke' means. I only know it because I hang out with anime fangirls too much. xD

And yeah, my dad is bi, and he kind of has some problems with my choices because he identifies with the suffering entailed and considers this suffering more than he wishes me to bear, and while I recognize this and respect him for it, it is very stifling. S'yeah, try not to push the way you feel about what you're going through too much onto her if she does start to tell you that that is how she feels about stuff. That's all. ^^; There comes a point where we have to accept people we love for whom they are, and not keep trying to push the path of least resistance onto them because we think that will make them happier.

I'm sure you won't make that mistake though, I'm just sort of ventilating a bit about my dad's silliness.

He went on and on about how when people are truly at peace with themselves, they don't feel aspect like a 'gender' that can be dissonant with their bodies, or whatever else like that, and when I talked about the relationship I had with my ex, where I was basically more the classical 'girl' and her more the 'guy', he insisted that I could easily find this again, if it was what I wanted, and didn't have to change my body and yatta yatta yatta.... "It's dangerous"..... I KNOW that. >___< I weigh my decisions much more carefully than he ever did growing up.... He's admitted to me that I'm probably smarter than he was at the same age.... It's cuz I had good parents too.... He should know better than to doubt me after raising me. =/

Sorry. Eheheh.

Hey Wanderer! All good! I just know I want to be the best parent I can and be supportive and all that good stuff! I reckon one way to do that is to be honest about who I am and teach my little girl to love people for who they are not what they look like. Kids have an amazing capacity to do just that. My ex-partner is here at the moment for my sister in laws 39a birthday party on Saturday (she's actually going to be 40 but doesn't like the sound of that so 39a it is! Now who's in denial!!!). It's pretty tense between us. Lots of unresolved feelings on his part and my anxiety at having him here. Baby girl was so excited to see him and at least that's great thing. I think I will talk to him about my new learnings about myself, if only to be honest with him. He deserves that. I feel a bit scared though. It'll all be ok.

Arohanui, Ao

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Guest Wanderer

You sound like you will be an awesome parent. Kids are awesome like that. I used to think I would never want any, but I'm starting to reconsider. This won't affect me anytime soon, but it's still something to think about. Heh, I said earlier I'd be a horrible parent I realize... but I can learn.

That sounds like a good age. I can hardly wait to be 39a. lol

It sounds like you'll be fine. It's never comfortable being stuck close with an ex; I imagine it must be much more so after having a kid with them, but your little girl gets to see him. =3

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    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
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