Jennifer's Heart

[Sally]

Wow. I knew this feeling. When I sat before that team of gender specialists, this was an overwhelming feeling. I was suddenly, starkly aware of how male I appear and sound. And I was ashamed.

Jennifer,

Never be ashamed, shame is an emotion that should be saved for people who have done something wrong and I can find nothing wrong with striving to become yourself - the only possible shame that we could have is the shame of being too afraid to act - never for being too male - that is just a part of the condition and therefore very natural.

Lose the feelings of shame and guilt, they only hold you back from becoming your true self and finding happiness.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thank you Sally. I hear what you are saying. But it is hard to 'feel' it. It's one thing to say, "I will not feel shame", but it's another thing entirely to actually not.

I hope I figure it out.

I appreciate your kindness.

Peace,

Jennifer

[Guest Joy]

Hi Jennifer,

Very new here myself and ... both new and old to my feelings.

There was the "simon struck by lightening to become peter" thunder clap of revelation when I confessed to myself that "yes, I am a girl at heart and have always longed to be one in body"

Then there's the past examination of my behaviour with my new eyes where I say "wow... It's been there all along How come I never noticed?"

My male camoflage was so thick and determined to do his job that he didn't even KNOW what he was protecting in his/my heart. and my girl self had gone to sleep. All that changed with one admission. Now I'm trying to kept my nearly middle-aged self's life moderately together while raising my school girl giddy female self to adulthood and the reality of permanantly living in this skin. You do go back to were you came from .. I do anway...

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Joy.

Welcome to the site. It's quite the journey, is it not? Trying to reconcile the person you are with the one you've always been... Ang finding out they really are the same.

Full Circle.

Peace,

Jennifer

[Guest Jennifer T]

Saw my therapist from JH yesterday. Gave me a book to read. And this is sad, I can't bring myself to show it to my wife. We just don't talk about this now. I can't, I guess. It hurts her too much and I hate being the cause of he tears..

I asked the therapist how this turns out for fills with this. She said that most move into complete transition. That this doesn't go away. So I'm sitting with this.

What is the answer?

Oddly I'm listening to "My Immortal" on my playlist.

She still has all of me.

[Guest Jennifer T]

"IF you went through with that operation BUT you will NEVER be a woman no matter how much or how badly you desire to be one."

someone who figured out things, sent me ane-mail statitng this. It hurt, but this person does not define me.

I am a woman in my heart, no matter what others think.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I am a woman in my heart, no matter what others think.

Yes you are, Honey.....

This is a difficult path that we take....Not at all easy and not many can go the distance.....

I intend on making it......

I feel that you will, too.

I'm 60, Hon...wasted a lot of years trying to be something that I wasn't....I'm changing all that now....

I see the confusion and fear in your posts...

Look into your heart for the answers....

Lizzy told me that God doesn't make mistakes......God made us....think about it.

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Jennifer T]

Donna, thank you. I think I needed to hear that.

Bless you.

Jennifer

Yes you are, Honey.....

This is a difficult path that we take....Not at all easy and not many can go the distance.....

I intend on making it......

I feel that you will, too.

I'm 60, Hon...wasted a lot of years trying to be something that I wasn't....I'm changing all that now....

I see the confusion and fear in your posts...

Look into your heart for the answers....

Lizzy told me that God doesn't make mistakes......God made us....think about it.

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

{{{{{{HUGGG}}}}}}

Donna Jean

[Guest Jennifer T]

Came across of a photo yesterday of my wife and I during a trip to New England in 08. I was struck by the person of 'me' in the photo. And my heart broke.

I asked the therapist at the last appt, "what happens to people like me?" And she explained that in all honesty they almost always eventually move into full time transition. I replied, "so, this never just goes away?" She explained that, at least for the cases they have, the one certain thing is that it doesn't just go away.

On Valentine's Day I gave my wife a card that in it I wrote, "I will do the right thing." I cried as I wrote it, because in that I was saying that I am shoving Jennifer back inside. One of the things about me, good or bad, is that marriage means a great deal to me. I come from a broken home and I remember as a child determining in my heart that I would not repeat the mistakes of my parents. I wanted 'forever' when I got married.

It will be 24 years in June. And moving toward forever. She depends on me. She needs me. And I need her.

The 'man' in the photo stares out from a lifetime. He hides his eyes behind a rough facade and dark glasses. This keeps the world from ever seeing the her that lives inside. My wife does not want her. And certainly the world I live in doesn't either.

"Heavenly Father. I will finish this race you have set before me. I will stumble more along the way, I know. But I will honor the vows I made. And I will die as I was born."

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi all. I need a place to put down some things on my heart. Please forgive my wishy washyness. My wife had told me that she was planning on moving out of our bedroom and possibly out of home and back with her family. After I told her on Valentines Day that I would drop this, she stayed.

Now I just feel broken.

My heart hurts.

[Sally]

Dear Jennifer,

I know that feeling and the desperation that causes us to vow not to transition even though we know the pain and suffering ahead - our lives have been a constant string of self sacrifice in our attempts to make others happy.

We do need to think of ourselves at some point.

Please Jennifer there does come a time when we need to do what is best for us - some wives do not even realize the damage that they are doing by asking us not to be ourselves - do not add guilt to the problems.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

I agree with Sally, Jennifer.....

Living un-realized is a horrible thing....

I lived for 58 years questioning myself and when I accepted whom I truly am, there is no keeping it under wraps anymore...

Once you get to that point it will manifest itself with or without your help....

Please try not to feel guilty.....I had to come out to my wife of 30 years...we have separate bedrooms, but are still together....

Honey, we never asked for this, it was given at birth....

So many of us would let it go if we just could...but, it's not able to be forgotten...try as you might, it will resurface....

Good luck, Sweetheart....

Donna Jean

[Guest Jennifer T]

Dear Jennifer,

I know that feeling and the desperation that causes us to vow not to transition even though we know the pain and suffering ahead

Oh Sally, did you do that? Did you make those promises and then die inside because the promise hurts?

Please Jennifer there does come a time when we need to do what is best for us

Love ya,

Sally

I wish I could know what is best for me. I feel like there is so much to lose no matter what I do. Thank you for your encouragement.

[Guest Jennifer T]

I agree with Sally, Jennifer.....

Living un-realized is a horrible thing....

I lived for 58 years questioning myself and when I accepted whom I truly am, there is no keeping it under wraps anymore...

Once you get to that point it will manifest itself with or without your help....

Please try not to feel guilty.....I had to come out to my wife of 30 years...we have separate bedrooms, but are still together....

Honey, we never asked for this, it was given at birth....

So many of us would let it go if we just could...but, it's not able to be forgotten...try as you might, it will resurface....

Good luck, Sweetheart....

Donna Jean

Oh Donna, you brought tears to my eyes. I need to think on your words. Was I truly born with this?

Thank you so much for your words, too.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Spent part of my afternoon contemplating the responses I feel I would get from the people in my life if/when I tell them. It's interesting hoe you can have a complete conversation in your head and never open your mouth. Spoke with someone over the weekend who kinda gave me a realistic picture of what this is really about - and it's true difficulty. Wow. She told me that it's dropping a bomb, and no matter what you can't take it back. I thought a lot about that too. I really did unload something pretty heavy on my wife when I told her all this, didn't I. And she will never see me the same way she did prior.

Life is difficult.

[Guest Jennifer T]

But me and my buddy smirnoff, we're good friends !!

[Guest Jennifer T]

She ran calling Wildfire...

[Guest Donna Jean]

She ran calling Wildfire...

I love that song, Hon.....

How are you doing tonight?

Donna Jean

[Guest Jennifer T]

I love that song, Hon.....

How are you doing tonight?

Donna Jean

Hi Donna Jean!!! It's an incredible song, isn't it!!!

I'm good, how 'bout you?

[Guest Jennyw157]

Hi Jennifer and welcome,

What an amazing introduction, I actually am teared up. I too have a very simuliar story and can relate all so well. I'm 48 and just starting out on this journey as well. It's still very confussing to me, but so far reading the stories and information on this site has really helped me out. If ya need to chat I'm on most every evening with the yahoo maessenger under jennyw157 love to chat.

Huggs

Jenny

[Guest Jennifer T]

Hi Jennifer and welcome,

What an amazing introduction, I actually am teared up. I too have a very simuliar story and can relate all so well. I'm 48 and just starting out on this journey as well. It's still very confussing to me, but so far reading the stories and information on this site has really helped me out. If ya need to chat I'm on most every evening with the yahoo maessenger under jennyw157 love to chat.

Huggs

Jenny

Hi Jenny. Welcome to the site! Yeah, it's all pretty confusing. I feel the the aftermath of a train wreck most days... Shoulda just left it all in the box. Maybe I should rename myself " Pandora" .

Peace

[Guest misha1144]

"IF you went through with that operation BUT you will NEVER be a woman no matter how much or how badly you desire to be one."

someone who figured out things, sent me ane-mail statitng this. It hurt, but this person does not define me.

I am a woman in my heart, no matter what others think.

I got a similar statement from a M.D Psychologist I saw years ago. That set me back a decade and didn't make the problem go away. Ignore them and follow your heart.

Love, Misha

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hi Jenny. Welcome to the site! Yeah, it's all pretty confusing. I feel the the aftermath of a train wreck most days... Shoulda just left it all in the box. Maybe I should rename myself " Pandora" .

Peace

Honey......

You stay right here with us....

You vent all that you need/want to...it does help!

Being Transsexual is by no means easy.....it takes it's toll on us, but, we CAN acheive our dreams if we just stick our guns!

Keep moving forward, Hon....never stop!

LOVE

& HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Jennifer T]

I got a similar statement from a M.D Psychologist I saw years ago. That set me back a decade and didn't make the problem go away. Ignore them and follow your heart.

Love, Misha

Hi Misha. Following my heart is something I am not sure how to do. You are following yours now? I am envious.

Peace