Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My Life As It Stands Now


Guest Ariana

Recommended Posts

Alright. Uhm. My life, for a while it was going... livable compared to now. But now... I could happily cut my jugular, and be content about it. And it scares me, honest to god.

...I'll give out a list, for anyone mildly interested, if there is anyone.

1: My therapist is taking wayy too long

2: Life at home is now a war, between me and my father

3: I hate my father to death. He gave me the wrong chromosome

4: My best friend Od'ed yesterday, She's in the hospital now, but I'm scared she'll try it again.

5: ...I scream in my sleep now. My mother asked me about... my, uhm... rape fantasies that I didn't even know I had.

6: My father might send me off to an insane asylum.

7: I'm not even sure if I'll be able to afford the hormones, let alone the vaginoplasty.

8: I'm now a valium addict. But the good thing is I don't burn myself anymore.

9: I dreamt of dying last night, and I actually felt happy in the morning.

10: I'm too fat. I can't even wear the super skinnies.

11: I'm anorexic, when I try to eat normally I naturally barf it out.

12: Because of my eating disorder, my body probably won't be able to take the hormones, even if I can afford them.

13: I forgot to welcome, like, a million people and I feel guilty about it.

The list goes on and on... this might be the last time I post here, everyone. Oh, and whoever mods this, put it in any section you feel works, I'm not sure where this goes.

Link to comment

Dear Ariana,

I am so sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time.

I am far from having a perfect life and I am down to 330 so I understand some of your feelings.

I do not hate my father but I am feeling rather estranged from my family.

I do not have anorexia but I do eat a lot because at times I feel that food is my only friend.

You are not alone and the fear caused by welcome dreams of death are crippling and encourage the dream to repeat itself.

I can only offer you my friendship and I don't know if that is going to be of much help but do know that someone cares even if it is only me.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest ~Brenda~

Ariana hon,

Your therapist is a highly trained professional. He or she knows what they are doing. For therapy to be successful, one must work with their therapist. Follow their advice, and participate in the therapy. A therapist is a guide to help you come to terms with yourself.

Don't hate your father for your biological makeup. It was not his fault. He had no control over how nature constructed you.

I am sorry that you are in such pain Ariana. This is all the more reason why you need to remain in therapy.

Of course, I would love to see you remain here at Laura's too :)

Love

Brenda

Link to comment

Hi Sally. Yeah, I know I'm not alone, thanks. I would accept your offer of friendship, but I'm scared of hurting you when I do pass on, you know? And I don't want to be hurting people anymore.

Link to comment

Hi there Bernii. My therapist probably does know what he's doing, but I didn't tell him about my... tendencies. It would make me have to wait longer. Yeah, I know it wasn't my father's fault, but he isn't being all that supportive either. Uhh, I might not be around here all that much, though. It would be better if you all... forget about me. I'm sorry :(

Link to comment

Ariana-----Sweetie just don't give up! Remember you are not going through this alone. All of us have gone through dark times and there is not a person on LP who is not able to relate to the place you are in right now, I am sure of it. But the point is that it is indeed possible to not only survive but to learn to thrive despite all the barriers.

Brenda is right that therapy takes time. It is not uncommon for things to feel worse before they get better. Hon, there is a lot of pain and trauma to deal with and heal by virtue of being a transgendered person. That is the reality. Has your therapist talked to you about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as an adjunct to individual therapy? It is considered a best practice for people who are having the difficulties that you listed. You can also google DBT to find out more about it. You know the most important part of therapy is just showing up--sort of like life!!

Hon, keep posting here and let us be part of your support system.

Hugs--Ricka

Link to comment
Hi Sally. Yeah, I know I'm not alone, thanks. I would accept your offer of friendship, but I'm scared of hurting you when I do pass on, you know? And I don't want to be hurting people anymore.

Ariana, there is no way to keep from hurting people you care about and who care about you - cutting us out of your life hurts even more when we know that you are still among us but do not feel that we should be a part of your life.

I would much rather spend as much time as I can getting to know you and maybe even helping a little, it would be good for me.

So if you do not feel comfortable posting in the forums anymore, send me a PM - I don't want to lose you.

I wish that I didn't have to go to work right now, I would stay here with you all day and let you know how much I care and there are so many others - don't shut me out, don't shut them out - we are a family.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment

@ricka

I never heard of DBT before. Maybe it would help me, I don't know? I know I'm sounding like a snob, but this has been going on so long, it's longer then just a dark age. I agree that the hardest thing is showing up, though. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have showed up for life in the first place...

@Sally

I wish things would change... but what would hurt more? Knowing a faceless person just died, or a beloved friend? Oh go and enjoy your time at work... I wouldn't like to be a burden. I guess if I was more active earlier on, it wouldn't be like this now, right?

Link to comment

Ariana, theripists have to take their time so they do not give the wrong diagnosis. also therapists can easily tell if you are fighting other problems, out moods/worrys/problums are allways shown in how we walk,talk, and even hold out head and move our eyes. and if they know you have other issues, they wait, because they know when your ready to talk about it you will. as far as killing your self goes... if you were going to do it you probability would of done it by now, that your still alive tells me you don't want to die, and are only thinking of it as a way to escape the problems at hand. remember this, death is never the answer and anything can be overcome if you wish it to be, the only one holding your self back from being happy is you. your dream of dieing and feeling happy when you woke up, is most likely wrong, see we dream up to 7 dreams in the span of an hour before deep sleep. sometime we remember one dream some time we remember all, but if we only remember one dream out mind will mentally fill in the blanks in that dream so it makes some sort of seance. the rape dreams are most likely just your feelings of what you want, but you probability feel that rape is the only way for you to get them. as far as you dad goes... remember this, arguing is rarely the right choice, in a argument, both sides try to explain themselves and nether will give in, but if you talk, and use understanding, logic and reason, you can bring him around to your side of thinking. i feel sorry for your friend, but i can tell you this, right now she probability needs you, to have some one their for her and to talk to. sometimes our friends are the only ones who can pull us out of those nasty holes we fall into.

i relay wouldn't feel guilty about welcoming everyone, i am sure we both know that there is a lot of people on these forms then just the ones who say welcome. for me i haven't said a single welcome, i just read, learn, and offer my advice and understanding when i see fit. heck most the time i never can post because everyone always takes what i was gonna say....mind readers <_< . with the insane asylum. my father try ed doing the same thing, funny thing is, i'm too smart to be keept in one of those places, first thing they teach you in physiology is how to get out of one of those places. from what i can get from everything going on is you not insane, you just need some one to talk to, like your therapist, and a light to show you the path out of this darkness. with weight, that is easily changed, eating the right food, portion size and doing like 15min of walking a day and you can easily drop weight. also would stay away from fast food... that stuffs your en-tier days calorie intake in a single meal. if you ever find yourself being hungry for a snack i would just eat a apple or some fruit, but most the time hunger is just a mind game.

remember this, everything can be changed if you want it too be changed, so do you have what it takes to climb out of this nasty hole you've falling into and be happy?

p.s never say you don't have what it takes, because we all have what it takes to be happy

Link to comment

Arianna,

Lets not hear about turning yourself off.You are so young with so much life left ahead of

you to live.Work through this most difficult of times,when you are on your own,you can

follow your dreams.My daddy was an terribly abusive man,in the mental,emotional and

physical sense,my childhood was horrible and I hated everything about my dad.I made

it through my teen years,but had to become the man I knew I wasn't,because it was expected

of the(males) of my generation.It took until I was 47years old to find myself and start on

this long and most rewarding of journeys.Please don't turn yourself off,you have a lifetime

of being a woman to look forward to,by sticking around to see the end of your life story,

as you finally have that chance to become the woman that you are.

A suicide survivor,

Angelique

Link to comment

@ricka

I never heard of DBT before. Maybe it would help me, I don't know? I know I'm sounding like a snob, but this has been going on so long, it's longer then just a dark age. I agree that the hardest thing is showing up, though. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have showed up for life in the first place.

Ariana---The goal of DBT is simply to find a life worth living. Most people who start DBT start from a place which you describe where you are at. There is a saying in DBT which says that none of us were able to choose the cards that we were dealt in life but we can learn to play the cards we have successfully and in the end win the game of life. Don't throw in your hand now, Sweetheart! It is way too early in the game of life!!! The truth is the most fabulous women i have ever known were once in the place you are now! Walk with Sally and me through this--and all the women here who have opened their hearts to you! You can come out on the other side where the sun is shining and you love the woman that you are.

Ricka

Link to comment

@foxy

But if the therapists takes too long, doesn't that make suicide a risk? But anyways, thanks for all that you've written... it made me flood the basement with tears... even if I have what it takes, like you said, I don't know how to use what I have to make myself happier. I really don't. Oh, and with my friend, she wouldn't listen until I told her that we would have a suicide pact. Once we're both ready, we're both gone.

@Angie

I... I can't imagine what it would be like to be abused by a father, even though the shouts hurt my ears. I'm happy were stronger than I am to survive your dark time. And I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pass as a woman on the off=chance I get hormones... but thank you for supporting me. I wonder when the end of my life's story will be...

@ricka

I'll try. I'll try really hard not to trip and fall off the path of life.. but my bets effort may not be enough, you know? If my therapist ever gets back to me (I doubt it, it'll never ever happen) I'll bring it up, I suppose.

Link to comment
Guest ~Brenda~
@foxy

But if the therapists takes too long, doesn't that make suicide a risk? But anyways, thanks for all that you've written... it made me flood the basement with tears... even if I have what it takes, like you said, I don't know how to use what I have to make myself happier. I really don't. Oh, and with my friend, she wouldn't listen until I told her that we would have a suicide pact. Once we're both ready, we're both gone.

@Angie

I... I can't imagine what it would be like to be abused by a father, even though the shouts hurt my ears. I'm happy were stronger than I am to survive your dark time. And I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pass as a woman on the off=chance I get hormones... but thank you for supporting me. I wonder when the end of my life's story will be...

@ricka

I'll try. I'll try really hard not to trip and fall off the path of life.. but my bets effort may not be enough, you know? If my therapist ever gets back to me (I doubt it, it'll never ever happen) I'll bring it up, I suppose.

Ariana hon :)

Sweetheart, it does not have to be this way baby. Laura's has chat rooms with qualified moderators that can help you in crisis. I strongly suggest that you join Laura's chat and get the assistance that you need. Also, you can call 1-800-SUICIDE which is a suicide prevention hotline.

There are resources available to help you at no cost to you :)

You are going to be OK.

If you would like, I could meet you in the Community Center in chat and bring you to a crisis room... OK?

Love you

Brenda

Link to comment
Guest ~Brenda~
That would be nice, Bernii, thanks. Let's hope that it works... I'll be on the chat soon, I guess.

Good deal sweetie :)

PM me when you are going to chat. I'll meet you there... OK

Love you

Brenda

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 170 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • VickySGV
    • taxicab
    • Mmindy
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...