I'm Having An Anorexia Relapse

[Guest Cricket]

Hey everyone.

So, a little background information: I have struggled with anorexia on and off for the past six years. It started when I was a senior in high school. The first time I dropped from 150 pounds (which is around normal for me, maybe just a few pounds overweight but not a lot) down to 110. When I finally tried to get help my mom took me to the doctor, they weighed me, and when the doctor walked in, without letting me say anything (the only thing on the chart about my visit was "weight problems" because I was too embarrassed to tell the tech or receptionist why I was really there), the first thing that came out of his mouth was "You're at the perfect weight, so whatever you're doing, just keep doing it!"

Eventually I was able to get out of it, but it took about a year because I had to do it myself because after the doctor's visit and him saying I was healthy they didn't take me seriously. Ever since then I've had problems with food and weight, going between overeating by way too much to not eating at all for days at a time. For the past two years I've been doing really good, until about a week ago. It started on Thanksgiving. I sat down to eat and when I looked at the mashed potatoes (which are my favorite food) I suddenly had a panic attack thinking about eating it and how many fat and calories must have been in it. I was fine earlier that day. It just came totally out of the blue.

Since then I've been obsessing over how much I eat, and whenever I eat anything, even if it's just one bite of broccoli, I freak out about it and obsess over it, just knowing that whatever it is (even if I know it's something healthy) is just absolutely going to make me even fatter than I already am.

I have tried to lose weight in the past, the healthy way, and it doesn't work. No matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise, I just keep gaining and gaining and getting fatter and fatter. The people around me (Puddle Jumper, my mom and dad, my mother in law, various friends) are always telling me how good I look but I don't see it, I just see a fat ugly hideous mess of a person every time I look in the mirror. I guess at some point, for some reason, during all this the ED switched on in my head even though I know it's unhealthy and dangerous, but it's so overwhelming and no matter how hard I try I can't get past this mindset. I AM eating a little each day but not nearly enough (maybe between 200-600 calories a day depending on the day), and logically I know this, but I also know in my ED mindset that I have eaten way too much and I'm never going to lose weight and I'm always going to just slowly but surely get fatter. And I know from experience that no matter how much weight I lose I'm still going to think I'm ugly and disgusting, and I know I shouldn't be doing this, but like I said, no matter how hard I try I cannot get past this mind set that food is bad and evil. I made an appointment with my therapist and the soonest I can see her is next Tuesday, and I know from experience that heavy restriction until then won't kill me, but I also know that with each day this goes by it will get worse and harder to break out of. At the end of each day I break down crying because I've eaten too much and I'm disgusting, and Puddle Jumper is trying her best to make sure I keep eating.

I don't really know what I'm asking, I guess I just need support, and reassurances that I CAN do this, that I CAN get better, and maybe some coping ideas from anyone? Like, ideas of how to get myself to eat a little more without freaking out so much? I know I need professional help and I plan to get it but the soonest I can get in is next week.

I'm also really freaked out because my mom and dad are coming to visit, and we are going to go to some of my and Puddle Jumper's favorite restaurants, and the idea of eating in a restaurant scares me to death. I have a really bad anxiety about eating in general but especially in front of people.

[Guest AlexanderG]

You can, Cricket! Anorexia (and ED's in general) is not a chronic, lasting disease. If you get the right help you can completely cure. & That's the thing: get the right kind of help. Not from some moron doctor but from professional specialists.

Eat little bit more a little at the time perhaps? Like - if you're on, random numbe rhere, 500 cals a day, try making it 550. Then see you're not gaining weight from it (weigh after a couple of days, not 5x a day). Just a thought. But if I knew how to get rid of an ED I wouldn't be scheduled for an appt. with a psych now would I?

Best of luck, & PM me anytime

Alexander

[Guest Cricket]

I didn't realize it was something that could be completely cured! I guess I just didn't get the right kind of help then because even though for the most part (until now) I was doing really well I was always struggling with it. I just assumed it was something like bipolar disorder (which I also have) that you can treat and cope with but that never really goes away. I'm glad I know that, though ...it gives me a little more hope that maybe someday I won't always be obsessed with what I eat.

Well, I don't have a scale so at least there's that. After I moved out of my parents' house I never bought one because I knew it would only cause problems.

Right now I'm freaking out really bad though. I just got home from dinner with my parents and even though I only ate a bite of one of the appetizers and a few spoonfuls of soup, I still feel so sick. I feel like I gorged myself and I like I need to throw up (involuntarily). I feel so sick to my stomach. I know there was nothing wrong with the food (nothing I'm allergic to or anything) because it's a restaurant I've gone to many times and have gotten the soup a lot there. I can't figure out if this is psychological or if recently I've really been eating so little that just that little bit of food made me over-full.

I'm really glad I see my therapist on Tuesday. I hope she can help.

[Guest Cricket]

Okay, an update.

I saw my therapist today and she is a moron. She basically said, "Well, you need to eat, so eat." The whole appointment was ridiculous, insulting, invalidating, hurtful and the only time I've had a worse meeting with a therapist was when I was hospitalized and I was in the middle of a panic attack and she left while I was in the middle of my sentence because it was time for her break and she wanted a cigarette.

I spent the whole time crying and trying to explain myself and SHE JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN. I know it's immature to insult people but she's a complete idiot and I am so mad at her right now. I don't even want to go back next Thursday (my next appointment). I never want to see her again, I am so mad and upset.

I'm scared to ask my parents for help because even though I know they love me, but my mom finds a way to make everything that happens to me into my fault and my dad tries to offer advice that sounds good at face value but really is unrealistic after you think about it for a minute.

I need help. I cannot do this by myself. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I need help and I'm asking for help but the one person I thought would be able to doesn't know what she's doing. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to ask for help. I know this sounds dramatic but I feel so alone and isolated right now. I can't afford to let this get so bad that I end up in the hospital or need to go inpatient but if I don't get help soon it will get that bad, and no one is willing to help me or knows how. I even know exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing and I told her so, but that's not the problem, the problem is getting help in doing something about it. And she wasn't even willing to try. I brought Puddle Jumper in with me because I was afraid if she wasn't there to make me talk about it I wouldn't, and my therapist kept trying to get her to take her side in everything. I really felt like she was trying to turn Puddle Jumper against me, and that really hurt. Puddle Jumper noticed it too and she stayed neutral and didn't take anyone's side, but after we left she told me she saw what my therapist was trying to do and didn't like it one bit. Puddle Jumper agrees with me that my therapist's 'advice' was stupid. I'm never going to bring Puddle Jumper into an appointment again, not because I don't trust her but because now I no longer trust my therapist. (I tell Puddle Jumper everything that happens in the appointments anyway.)

If it were as easy as telling my head to shut up and eat I would be doing so. I wouldn't be asking for help because I wouldn't need it. But it's not that easy. That's why I need help and that's why I'm trying to get it, but nobody knows what they're doing.

I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice (besides finding a new therapist, which is obvious and I want to, but I was assigned to her and I don't have any say and that's that)? I joined a support community a friend of mine pointed me to but I need real life help. That's not going to be enough.

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. If anyone can help me or give me advice, I need it so much now more than I ever have.

[Guest Joe Cool]

Hey buddy,

Breathe! Hang in there! You are asking for help - so you are already doing great! Can you try doing an Ensure or a Boost? Can you do a Protein Shake of some sort? You can take your time drinking it and it has calcium and protein. Do you have any safe foods? Is there anything that you feel safe eating or that is less torturous for you? Try working with a nutrtionist. Many specialize in eating disorders and will work with you with where you are at. They will build up from that. I understand your frustration. Please take care of yourself. Keep asking for help!

Joe

[Guest shane]

i know it can be difficult to overcome. A nutritionist is the best person to see about it. just at least try to keep yourself hydrated and try getting some vitamins.

[Guest JeanVier]

Hey, Cricket, I am sorry this is such a tough time.

I hear you about the psychologist, the frustration-- "So eat." Like it is that simple. If it were, we would not struggle... Arg! (There are times when I feel so embarrassed by my field. x.x)

Something I have found helpful is to locate 'safe foods,' and to eat, like Alex said, just a little more each day via the safe foods. For example, if I want to (ha, or have to) try eating more, I will decide to do 50 more calories via an apple. (Raw fruit and vegetables are safe for me.) 50 more calories through french fries would boggle me, but I can do 50 more through a safe food. The question is-- do you have any foods you might consider safe?

I wish I could be more helpful, but I am also struggling right now. Just know that I am here, we are here for you.

-JV

[Guest Cricket]

Hey everyone.

I do have a few safe foods - broccoli, spinach, hummus, mushrooms, rice milk (but not rice for some reason), and tofurkey slices (as long as I only eat three or less, a serving size on the label is five). I'm also okay with soy sauce to add flavor to the veggies, and oil as long as I use 1/2 teaspoon or less to cook with. I bought some brown rice protein powder and as long as I do half of the recipe I'm okay with that too, so at least I'm getting some nutrients. I'm still not eating nearly enough though. =(

There is something wrong with me. I have insomnia, and when Puddle Jumper is asleep at night sometimes I go into the kitchen and find a food I really love but can't get myself to eat, like bread or chocolate, and open the container and just look at it and smell it and then put it away. When I'm by myself I go online to my favorite food blogs and look at all the beautiful pictures and read recipes for things I "can't" eat. It makes me miserable and I don't know why I do it but I keep doing it anyway.

On Monday I want to call my regular doctor and make an appointment, but it's $15 to see her and we aren't sure if we're going to be able to make rent this month and I am afraid to spend that money even though I know I can't mess around with this. And I'm afraid she'll do the same thing as my therapist because in my experience doctors usually don't know anything about nutrition and all the care I've gotten at that office has been sub-par. I hate being broke and not having insurance. I don't know what to do.

[Guest AlexanderG]

Cricket,

you're doing very well just acknowledging you need help. And wanting to get help. What suckage that it seem so hard to find the proper help.

I don't know where you're at but in a lot of countries there's support organizations that list therapists et cetera that are good.

Nutritionist's a good idea but without thepsychological help to get at what's behind the ED you'll need a good psychologist/psychiatrist as well. Try googling for the organization in your country.

& maybe your GP will surprise you for the good.

Cricket, hang in there.

[Guest Soph]

I know I'm posting on a topic over a month old, with no responses for over half a month.

But I have been struggling with anorexia too. When I'm up at school I can control my own diet, and I eat very little to nothing (400-600 calories on days that I do eat).

However, I have found that there is a link to my transness and the ED. First off, one of the rationales for my starving myself was that I wanted to burn muscle mass to facilitate transition. However, more relevant to helping you, when I started presenting my ED sort of went away--not completely, but the last two days i've eaten around 1500 calories, and I don't feel nearly as terrible about it as I would have a few weeks ago. Its as if focusing on the anorexia took the place of my transition at school (where I did not present), and going FT cured that.

I hope I helped somehow