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The Urge To Come Out


Guest NatashaJade

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Guest NatashaJade

Lately, I have been between a rock and a hard place. I am very tired of living in the closet, at least to my nearest and dearest. As a result, whenever I am around them, I am always on edge. I know they know something is up because I am not quite myself as they knew me. I am different. I know I am because I feel different. I look different. There is only so much you can put down as weight loss (but that is how they all choose to deflect the issue..."Oh, you look great! You've lost a lot of weight!"). No one has commented on my personality shift. It is not too great, but it is there. I suppose I don't see them often enough for them to notice it too much. They might just put it down to not seeing me so often, or because I am so stressed at work or whatever. They don't want to ask the question.

But I want them to ask.

I am so passive aggressive! I want one of my friends to come up to me and ask me point blank what is going on so I can tell them. I want to tell them. I need to tell them. But I am a coward. The webs of friendship run so deep in my circle and my wife is so connected to everyone, more so than I am, that I am afraid of what this will do. We are already isolated because our friends our mostly in L.A. and we are in Phoenix. If this were to have a negative impact, she would be on an island here and would die a little every day. I know our friends wouldn't abandon her. I just don't know how the dynamic works if they don't accept me. I think she would reject them as a result and the end would be the same.

But I want to tell them.

I want to tell my family. If they reject me, so be it. But my kids need their grandparents. It's the same issue. I am less concerned with how people will treat me and more concerned with how my wife and kids will be impacted.

So am I a martyr? I don't want to be. I just want to be myself with those I love. I know I can't at work. But I want to at home. I only want to be him when I have to be. Right now, that's not really working out so well.

This is a hard road. I know it is making all the difference. But it is so hard sometimes...

luv

Gin

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Gin, Sweetheart,

I know how hard this is for you and I am having the same problem - you are concerned for your wife and feel that she would die a bit each day if things do not go well so you have decided to continue dieing a little more each day yourself to spare her.

Someday and I think before too much longer you and I are going to have to get over our passive natures and assert ourselves.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Elizabeth K

My advice - I have been at this transition business 1 and 1/2 years. DONT OUT! It happens on its own. You need to be so far along people ask YOU why you didn't tell them earlier because they already suspected it.

Shocking people - well SHOCKS them. They sometimes don't recover. But if you are past the point of being obvious, and they see its a done deal, and especially when they see how much happier you are - well - that's the way to do it.

But you never know! I had the hardest time - I wanted everyone to know what I am and what a wonderfully satisfing thing I was doing to become myself. BUT I held back

My recommendation - you will have to do what is right for you!

Lizzy

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Guest Donna Jean

Gin....move over and give me a seat there on the bench there beside you....

'Yeah...DANG! I've got it bad! REAL BAD and I want to come out so badly that my hair hurts!

I've come out to about 10-12 select people so far...

BUT!

I want to be out at work...That's the very last thing standing in my way of being full time!

At first I thought I was doing it by accident...having things on when I came into work that I though I had meant to remove..

But the more that it happens...the more I realize that I believe that I'm doing it on purpose.

I want to be confronted...I want to be outed...that has to be the answer!

But, I can't....not just yet!

My therapist gave me explicit instructions on how he wanted me to come out at work...

So, I've got to suck it up and wait for the right time...

But, It's coming and so is yours, Gin....

Just hang in there!

LOVE

Donna Jean

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Guest sarah f

Gin, I understand where you are coming from because I am in the same place. I want everyone to know what and how I feel but I can't get myself to do it. I will just have to do what Liz said and wait until they can tell that I have changed mentally and physically. Hopefully it won't take to long for each of us to truly be who we should have always been.

Love,

Sarah F

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Guest JeanVier

Gin,

I hear you. Wow. Sometimes I wonder how far I can go before someone corners me and asks, directly, "What is going on? Explain this!!". Maybe they are oblivious, maybe they do not want to ask, maybe, maybe, maybe. I would give so much to have someone confront me directly, rather than drift in this anxious and confusing limbo.

I know I am changing, though I am pre-T. I look differently, I dress differently, I carry myself differently. I make reference to wearing explicitly men's clothes, I bind, I change my Facebook picture to a somewhat-feminine guy, I refuse to refer to myself as 'she', and I change my name (not legally) to a masculine-androgynous one... and no one has asked.

And, for me at least, the movement into Spring makes me want to come out so much... The flowers are opening. The trees are coming into bud. The birds are returning. The earth seems to move out of stasis and into generation, rebirth, flowering outward-- but I am still in stasis. Waiting.

So, I can relate, and I am here for you if you'd ever care/need to send me a PM.

-JV

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Guest Donna Jean
And, for me at least, the movement into Spring makes me want to come out so much... The flowers are opening. The trees are coming into bud. The birds are returning. The earth seems to move out of stasis and into generation, rebirth, flowering outward-- but I am still in stasis. Waiting.

-JV

YES! THAT'S IT!

Jean, you nailed it!

That's what we want, too...our rebirth..we want to bloom!

snif'....snif'....

Donna Jean

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Guest angie

My coming out drew sympathy for my ex and

rejection and isolation for me.All our old friends

are still her and my girls friends.Other than one,

a very special man,I haven't seen a soul in seven

years.

Be aware...

From the time you say,I am a girl,guys wont treat

you the same.They wont tell jokes,other than messing

with you,they can't relax,everything you knew and loved

about them,changes the instant you come out.You have

crossed the gender lines and are no longer(one of the boys).

Your wife will have lots of support and sympathy.While you may

be hung out to dry.Slurps but it's the truth.

Hugs Gin,

Angie

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Gin hon,

I was right where you are last year, i took things slow in order for others to see the changes before i told them, it worked for me. The only things people asked was if i got a haircut, lost weight or if my shirt was new, they saw something but did not know what, once i told them a few months later everything made sense.

There is this woman from down the street she is around my age, she walks up and down the street a zillion times a day, says it helps her bad back, well since i know her quite well i needed to tell her, last Sunday was the day, as she passed by i walked out to meet her, after some small talk i told her i was changing my gender from male to female, i like that wording better than sex change and some others, well she said for a long time she saw changes in me and said it was my business not hers so she did not say anything.

You see people do see the changes in us over time but will not say anything because they feel it is none of their business or they do not want to know. You will more than likely at some point in the future have to tell everyone but be ready with a response in case someone does ask, at that point depending on who it is you may have to take the offensive and come out to everyone before word spreads, and it will spread like wildfire, if you read my baby steps topic you will see what i am talking about.

Paula

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Guest Donna Jean
BABY STEPS - that's what I meant, thanks Paula. My therapist said, don't tell, wait until they ask!

lizzy

ARGGGGGHHHH

My logical brain says "Baby steps--Baby steps.."

But my inner woman is screaming..."LET ME OUT!"

Dang!

Donna Jean

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Guest OneOutOfnOne

I think this is the area where I am at my most passive-aggressive. I present as male in my everyday life, but there's something different in how I act, how I speak, the gestures and motions I make, the makeup and nail polish I wear on occasion, my rather androgynous wardrobe... I am daring the world to ask what's up with me. Because I have rehearsed responses. When someone asks, 'Are you gay or something?' I laugh dismissively and say, 'Oh, I'm something, aren't I, darling?' When someone says I'm 'confident enough in my masculinity' to do something not particularly masculine, I correct them, saying that, rather, I'm confident enough in my utter lack of masculinity. When someone says, 'What, are you a girl now?' I say, 'I don't know, let's ask the audience.'

I confess that I find being confusing terribly fun.

However! I must agree with Lizzy. Except for those people in your life who matter the most, coming out should be mostly done without any direct interference on our part.

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Guest NatashaJade

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses to this. It is one of the hardest things to deal with and my fears are real, but I will take a deep breath and wait. I'm not going full time anytime soon, so it's not a pressing issue. It's just part of my desire to get on with it already, even though I'm not ready to really get on with it. Transitioning's a real Catch-22 when you're encumbered by a career and love ones...but I wouldn't give up either right now - especially not my loved ones! They have to stay! (although once I finish my MFA, I'll be able to teach writing online and if I can make a full time living at that, teaching online is an awesome occupation to have as I go full time...that and I'm going to open a theatre...but one thing at a time).

I love Baby Steps...makes me think about the movie "What About Bob?" with Bill Murray. Baby Steps to womanhood... :D

luv

Gin

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Guest Melanieshaman

I've actually been considering it lately... i mean i dress male and get called Ma'am?! I have a lot of thoughts on if/when/how i will come out.

Melanie

PS I am actually working on a post for my blog tomorrow about this subject (link in my sig). Yes i am pathetic about telling people about it. I think some people that don't know about this kind of site, that may come across my blog, may get a little insight. Also, who do i ask about linking back to Laura's from my blog? someone in the know drop me a line.

thanks

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Guest angie

Having waited for so long to take my place,and starting RLE

very early,I was more than willing to set others straight about

who I am a couple of years ago.It blew women away.I was a

courier driver with an almost exclusively female clientele.

After making daily deliveries for six months,and being so friendly

and positive,slim and trim,my contact person would eventually

ask my name.And when I told them Angie,and that I am a transsexual

in transition,I could see their faces fall.Some laughed,others were

very accepting,and my confidence grew.We walk a million different paths

to get where we are going.And mine happened to be a path less traveled

by being up front and honest from the time RLE started.It may not be the

path everyone takes,but it worked for me.

Angelique

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