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Really Really Confused


Guest st.john

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Guest st.john

I've kind of had vague thoughts for a couple of years that I might possibly be transgender. Have been considering it more & more for the past few months, but I still don't know if I even might be, or if it's just something I'm talking myself into, or using to disguise other things I despise about myself, or what. Was just wondering if anyone here had any idea what I might be (since my self-descriptive term of "mutant" seems to carry such negative connotations) ...

I originally posted this under the Intoductions thread, but I feel this might be a more appropriate place to post it all.

I guess it would make some sense for me to explain a bit about what I'm confused about. I'm 23, I can remember as far back as middle school preferring to wear boys' or masculine clothes. (I'm kind of small-ish, so most of the time now I have to buy things in boys' or young men's sizes.) At my father's insistence, my hair was extremely long until my senior year of high school ... I cut it then, and it's been getting shorter ever since. I never liked to wear much make-up (only started to because my mum claimed I needed to start being 'grown-up' and not so much like a kid), but have abandoned the practice again of late. I've had body-image issues for as long as I can remember, but particularly after puberty I really started to despise the way I looked (possibly due to the whole hips & chest thing???) I'm not sure though, if I'm actually transgendered, or I just think I would appear more attractive as a male? (Probably not sexually, due to the fact that most people claim I look more like a 14 or 15 year old boy than an man my own age - not that I mind overmuch, I'm used to being physically repulsive. lol.)

I know I make a very unnattractive female. That's not self-esteem, that's just blunt honesty. And have been told time and again that I'm not a girly-girl, and pretty tomboy-ish. So part of me wonders if I just dress as a guy because I know that I've kind of failed the "girl-test". If it's the choice between appearing as an ugly female or a kind of pretty male, well, the choice seems kind of easy. Because let's face it, I'm only human ... it's hard not to be affected by the other way people regard me.

A lot of my interests tend to be on the masculine side as well - particularly my interest american comics, which is still very much a "boys club" sort of industry, from what I have observed. I do a lot of pbem role-play games on the internet, and most people I chat with tend to assume from speaking to me under a non-gender-specific screen-name that I am a guy. Recently, I've stopped correcting them, and actually encouraged this to a large degree. (It's amazing how much more respect I get when people assume I have a penis!) There's definitely always a secret little thrill whenever I get called 'sir' in public. I also tend to write almost exclusively male characters, as it's just so much easier to get inside their heads. I have a really hard time relating to females, even fictional ones.

I never dated until college; I never really got along well with most girls my age, and really wanted nothing more than to just be 'one of the guys' ... however, going to school in rural north carolina, most of the guys were content just to label me a 'femme-cup cake' or 'the D word' and wanted nothing to do with me because they thought I was just too weird. I met my current boyfriend when I was 18, and we've been together ever since. He is the sweetest, kindest, most understanding person in the world, and has put up with a *lot* of rubbish from me. He's absolutely the best friend I have ever had, and I'm not sure where I would be without him.

However, he is understandably disturbed & threatened when I make comments such as "I wish I was a man", "If I could, I would choose to have a penis", or when I comment about hating my chest & wishing it wasn't there. I've vaguely hinted at the fact I might be transgendered, but he was very creeped out. He claims he's ok w/ me wearing what I want and cutting my hair really short, but if I tried anything like hormones or other permanent cosmetic changes, he couldn't love me anymore. The problem is, I would still very much be in love with him. I'm still 100% attracted to guys (sorry ladies, you just do absolutely nothing for me), but at the same time, I want to be one.

Which I guess is part of the dilemma. I feel in some ways like I'm actually a gay man in a female body. But a friend of mine has made the argument that this just kind of unnecessarily complicates everything. "If you like men, why not just be a woman? Trying to be some kind of feminine gay man just complicates everything and makes everyone judge you for no reason." And part of me wonders if maybe she's right? Am I just making things unnecessarily complicated & setting myself up for a bunch of judgement & hate that I might not be strong enough to deal with.

Sex is ... weird. I never liked regular intercourse, and more often than not it's really painful. (Have talked to a doctor about this & they claim there's no physical reason for it, & think it's just all in my head.) Have recently talked the BF into experimenting w/ having sex the way two men do, and found it much more enjoyable, even pleasurable, which is kind of a new concept for me! lol.

I've moved to NYC very recently, because I want to pursue a career in comic book writing & publishing; unfortunately I had to leave the BF on the west coast. (we're still together, just long-distance now.) In a lot of ways I feel like I am deceiving him, because I have started to experiment even further w/ a more masculine appearance - binding my chest (which really hurts b/c I'm not sure I'm doing it properly!), not shaving my legs or underarms, and stuffing the front of my boxers. The one thing I cannot change is my voice (maybe part of why I hate the phone), because I definitely sound very feminine.

I know everyone's first suggestion is always to find a therapist, but I have to say that I am *extremely* wary of this, as I have had some horrific experiences with pschologists in the past. My mum insists it's something I talk myself into, and just my personality, but I have been told by countless other people that I'm clinically depressed. I don't know if that's true or not, but when I was in college, I was ... 'coerced' into therapy, and ended up on a lot of medications (in kind of ridiculously high doses) that I feel did me more harm than good, to the point where I was just spending days in bed crying, and contemplating suicide. (Have since learned that it's not all that uncommon for anti-depressants to have this kind of effect on people.) Eventually had to just go against doctor's orders & quit taking everything cold-turkey & stop going to therapy before I started to feel anything like myself again (whoever that is. lol.) It seemed to me like they were much more interested in just writing another prescription & upping the doses on the meds than actually helping me figure out *why* I had the thoughts & feelings I did.

Of course, an added obstacle is the fact that I am presently unemployed & uninsured. So therapy of any sort is pretty much out of the question right now.

I'm sorry this post is so drastically long. I guess I am just trying to work everything out in my head. A lot of things seem to match up with what little I am aware of regarding being transgendered, but at the same time, there are things that don't seem to fit very well. I don't know enough to know if I really am trans in some way, or if I'm just trying to escape from myself, the same way I do with my writing & role-playing. Is this someone I want to be, or is it just a very elaborate costume or personna I'm adopting? Most people seem to claim it's something they've always known even when they were children, and for me, that's definitely not the case. It's something I've kind of come to consider really gradually over the past few years.

I'm definitely not ready to discuss this at all with my family, who I don't think would be very accepting of it. Likewise, I'm kind of terrified of my boyfriend's reaction. I know at this point I'm not ready to contemplate anything as irreversable as hormones or surgery, because while I am not happy with the way I am now, my biggest fear is that I still would be unhappy afterwards ... and in the process have lost all the people I love & care about.

Ok, I am most definitely going to shut the hell up now. Just, if anyone has been through anything similar to what I am dealing with, and would be willing to talk about it, I would really like some help & guidance on where to go from here.Thanks. And again, my sincere apologies for the rant.

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Guest louisehoffman

Hi,

Many, if not most, transgendered people self identify - that is, they don't need anyone to tell them that they are living in the "wrong" gender.

But hey, why hang a label on yourself, just be you and let your heart tell you which way to go. Don't let anyone stop you from being who you are.

Best wishes, Louise x

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Guest Darrel

Hello and welcome to the boards!

The first step to do is to stand back and think about yourself. How uncomfortable are you being called a female? If you are called a male, does that truly make you happy? Does being a man feel like that's what you've been all along and people have not been able to see it? Only you can decide if you are a trangender or transsexual. Nobody here can tell you -- there's no magic spell to get inside your head and see how you tick.

Even if you don't want to be a male or a female, there is always the possibility that you are androgynous. So don't get too worried about making the wrong decision just yet. Let it go with the flow, and give yourself time to decide who you are.

I'm also afraid to inform you that you will need a therapist to get through this. It is considered a mental illness and will require about a year or two of visits before you can even attempt hormone therapy, or chest and bottom surgery. Which I can agree with this because there have been many fools out there before who couldn't admit to themselves or their family that they were homosexual instead, and got a sex change only to sue the doctors for "not doing their job" and to also exclaim that transsexuals are a mythical creature. Bah! If you are a transsexual, I wish you the best of luck in finding a gender friendly therapist close to you.

As for your boyfriend, you may or may not lose him. I understand that it is incredibly painful to lose the one you love, but if he can't love you for who you are, then he doesn't love you now; he loves what he thinks you are. If you are a man and express it and he shows lack of interest, that doesn't mean he has interest in you when you're a female -- it means he has an interest in your boobs and other regions. Love should be unconditional -- don't ever settle for anything less.

I too am a FtM, and have experienced several of the same emotions and thoughts that you have. Roleplaying as a male, getting a kick out of running around shirtless until boobs came, and being one of the guys. The only difference is that when I came across the word 'transsexual' it was like a light had gone off in my head; I had known at that instant that I was one. It was a great lift to myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. If the word still makes you uncomfortable, maybe it isn't for you. Or it could be. Unfortunately nobody can tell you but yourself...and I wish you luck in discovering your true self.

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Guest Just_Call_Me_Nick
But hey, why hang a label on yourself, just be you and let your heart tell you which way to go.

Louise x

Excatly I agree to that statement totally....labels...no need to get hung up on them....

Nick~

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Guest Mr. Fox

You gave all of my advice, Darrel! Gosh darned you! Gosh darned you to hell!

Okay, enough of that foolishness. Just so you know, you do not have to get a year or two of counseling to get hormones. You only need three months of therapy, or three months of RLT, unless you, like me, are a minor, in which case you need six months of therapy before either full time or hormones. More therapy time is often a good idea though.

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Guest GoldenKirbichu

You sound gender-variant in some way to me, although that's a broad blanket statement.

I have to agree with Darrel - adopt what makes you happy, and don't worry about conforming to what people expect to see. You owe nothing to anyone but to be yourself.

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Guest st.john

I understand what everyone is saying about just going with what makes you happy, but the fact remains, we none of us live in a fracking bubble; we're all constantly assualted by the judgements and labels other people stick on us ... including family & loved ones.

I suppose for me the biggest frustration - what gets me really fracking ANGRY - is the fact that since I was about 12, I've been stuck with the lesbian label, simply because of the way I chose to dress, and perhaps my behaviour as well. The fact that I have no interest in women (I tend to not get along with them at all) never seems to factor into it. People see what they want to see, and treat you a certain way because of it.

I know that all those who go for hormones & surgery will insist they are doing it for themselves, but you can't tell me that it doesn't make life so much easier when all the people around you can see you for who and what you really are, instead of making their own incorrect assumptions. Personally, I get so sick and tired of taking people's comments & judgements & filthy looks & verbal abuse because they all believe me to be something I'm not.

Problem is, while I know that I'm not a lesbian, I have no fracking idea what the hell I really am. I'm not asking to trade one label for another ... I'd just like to figure out what the hell is wrong with me so I can either go about fixing it, or find some kind of community where I can feel like I'm accepted by other human beings for once. Sorry if that's too much to ask. Maybe I'd be better off just shutting myself off from the rest of humanity so that I don't have to deal with the judgement/harassment anymore and can go "be myself".

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Guest GoldenKirbichu
I understand what everyone is saying about just going with what makes you happy, but the fact remains, we none of us live in a fracking bubble; we're all constantly assualted by the judgements and labels other people stick on us ... including family & loved ones.

I suppose for me the biggest frustration - what gets me really fracking ANGRY - is the fact that since I was about 12, I've been stuck with the lesbian label, simply because of the way I chose to dress, and perhaps my behaviour as well. The fact that I have no interest in women (I tend to not get along with them at all) never seems to factor into it. People see what they want to see, and treat you a certain way because of it.

I know that all those who go for hormones & surgery will insist they are doing it for themselves, but you can't tell me that it doesn't make life so much easier when all the people around you can see you for who and what you really are, instead of making their own incorrect assumptions. Personally, I get so sick and tired of taking people's comments & judgements & filthy looks & verbal abuse because they all believe me to be something I'm not.

Problem is, while I know that I'm not a lesbian, I have no fracking idea what the hell I really am. I'm not asking to trade one label for another ... I'd just like to figure out what the hell is wrong with me so I can either go about fixing it, or find some kind of community where I can feel like I'm accepted by other human beings for once. Sorry if that's too much to ask. Maybe I'd be better off just shutting myself off from the rest of humanity so that I don't have to deal with the judgement/harassment anymore and can go "be myself".

Ah... well, this is the side of things that is hard to get away from.

The unfortunate side of the matter is that often this sort of thing is a choice between having the world hate you for awhile and having yourself hate you forever. I have to agree, it's pathetic that people need to foist their judgements and opinions on others, but they do, and it's unavoidable.

The "lesbian" label is basically reserved for any XX-person who acts overtly masculine. It basically doesn't matter whether or not you have any actual attraction to XX-typic people; you're just automatically labelled a lesbian by the ignorant half of society. I was called one too, and I'm sure some people call me one even now. It's pathetic and stupid (like the gay label for effeminate or even just not macho men), but it happens all the time... society blows.

I won't lie, it makes life easier to live once people stop hating you for being yourself. But there's nothing wrong with YOU. It's what's wrong with THEM [or more specifically, US as humans]. It's certainly not too much to ask, or rather it shouldn't be... the sad thing is though, it's hard to find a place that truly accepts people who don't fit the standards.

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Guest st.john

At this point, I'm pretty much ready to give up.

Against all common sense, I've tried to talk to a counselor, and attended a couple of meetings at a local FtM support group. And now I just feel more alienated & confused than I did in the first place.

The counselor (who I don't like much) is apparently already convinced I'm not trans-anything, just screwed up & immature. He's flat out told me that I don't look male, that I look like a "cute girl", which is just like pouring salt into the bloody wound. He doesn't discuss the gender thing at all, claiming I need to focus on all my self-loathing first. "You're still going to be unhappy whether or not you've got a d1ck."

The group thing was equally painful & awkward, because I felt so completely out of place. I'm not enough of a man to fit in w/ them, and they seem to pick up on that immediately. "So are you gender-queer or androgynous or what?" seems to be the first thing anyone ever says to me, and I know the unspoken half is always ["because you're obviously not really one of us."] Not knowing what they mean by most of that terminology, all I can ever say is "I don't fracking know." Even in what is meant to be some kind of supportive, community environment, I still feel like the freak & the oddity in the room. And that whole sensation of being completely unwanted & out of place is the one fracking thing I've been trying to get away from for my entire fracking life, but I just keep hitting dead-end after dead-end.

So I'm about ready to call it quits. I'm lousy at being female. I am unable to pass as male to save my fracking life. I fail as a human being. I'm just so ready to be fracking done with everyone and everything at this point. I can't relate to people on any level at all, so I just don't want to be a person anymore. I'm so tired of failing.

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First off you sound Transgender to me. It's only a matter of what group you belong to. Your counselor may not be qualified and you don't like him anyway. I'd suggest you use a Gender therapist or at least someone who has dealt with transgendered before http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm . A good one will be able to work with you and help you find out which group you are part of. How does your counselor now feel about transgender people? Maybe his personal prejudices are showing through which is what you dislike. It is very plain to see that you are in distress about your gender issues. SO please don't give up on yourself. There are many here who at one point in their lives were exactly where you are now. Eventually they got through it. Some changed and some did not if it wasn't for them. Anyway the most important thing is that no one can tell you who you are in the end except you. Your feelings are genuine and real and therfore valid, not even your counselor has the right to dispute that. Stick around. You will get through this. Certainly you will have all our support here.

Laura

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest J-Walker

You don't need to be frightened by all of them. Some people tend to be a little stand offish and "I'm more trans than you", especially if they plan on going stealth after transition, and feel proud out of their ability to be able to tell the difference between a bio male and a transmale. Of course this board, as I've discovered, is the exact opposite. ;)

Though I would not recommend going back to that same counselor since you obviously weren't happy with him, I would suggest thinking about what he told you. Even if you are unhappy with being in a female body, you should still be happy with yourself. Right now you're between a rock and a hard place and I know it's difficult to see any sort of light. But whether or not you are really clincally depressed, I think you just need to get out there and discover who you really are for yourself. I won't give you the "Only you can decide who you are" thing because to a big extent some things are decided for you in advance: you just need to discover what they are.

In other words, take small steps toward the end goal. Instead of just up and deciding "I like being called a male so I'm going to be a male", do it in smaller doses that shift things so that the only thing you are unhappy with is the physical female body. If you think you make an ugly girl, change it so that you like the way you look, regardless of gender. The G word doesn't have to bind you to anything and you can still be one of the guys without being a lesbian. When you've changed it so that the only real issue you have with yourself is your birth gender, then no one can tell you otherwise.

It might sound a little harsh but this is something that took me a good portion of my young life to realize, and I only wish I had realized it earlier.

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