Mom Hit The Anger Stage. O_o

[Guest thefireship]

Alright. Things happened and I'm really tryin' to keep my head up. Its not so much that I'm depressed, so much as my mind is heavy and full up with information. I have the sog brain!!!

Couple of days ago I go to pick up a book from Mom. She hugged me when I got there, insisted then on reading some stuff from it. Then she just started going on about the subject of the book in general. (Its about adoption. She's been pointing at my being adopted as for I am the way I am.) During the bit of conversation about it, she 180'd on me and got crazy with the insults. It was.. bad. Like, really really bad. Kinda felt like she was intentionally trying to make me feel like the worst person ever. Safe to say she flew into the anger phase right in front of me. No other target around, it was all on me.

I tried very VERY hard not to have an automatic reaction. No verbally "blocking her punches" so to speak. I sat there and let her get it all out. I only attempted to comment on a couple of things, not defensively, but to hope to understand where she was coming from and why she was saying all of these awful things. Learned quick that anything I said, no matter how soft or gentle, was going to be taken as an attack. I shut up a bit more until I just couldn't take it. I got up, told her I'd take the book and read it but that I just had to leave. (It was leave or risk the mental break of crying from the stress pressure OR start blocking the punches by falling into the vicious argument of which she was attempting to get me into.) And I left.

I was so stressed out that I tried opening her car door, not mine, and didn't figure it out for a good ten seconds. (Yes, you may laugh. I mean, it IS funny.)

I really just wanted to drive until I ran out of money for more gas and just start life all over where ever I landed. Not that I would do this, but the wishful impression was there all the same. I also found myself really wanted to call up my Dad.

I wanted to call him because of the things she was saying to me during her anger fest. See, my father has always been supportive with me in all manner of ways. Mom made me feel like I was the most ungrateful child to ever walk the planet, so it bothered me tremendously that there was a chance that Dad felt this way. All I wanted to do was call him and tell him I have always appreciated everything he's ever done so I knew he knew this.

Got home, went into the chat to try and not be so shaken up (thank you!!), then tried to call him. Busy. Great, I thought, Mom beat me to him. I waited for a while and called again. No answer, so I left a message. He called me back about an hour later and we talked.

God bless it, at least I have one parent not flying off the handle. It was a really GOOD conversation. He never invalidated my thoughts or feelings about being trans. He didn't go through route of asking me if I'd change my mind after doing irreversible surgery. No, he was concerned that any possible future surgeries would be botched up and not to my liking. And, he asked me some direct questions about it. After answering each, he seemed genuinely satisfied with my answers. He's trusting me, basically, to not be running in blind and was relieved when I told him my plans for therapy and all that.

I know he could have other phases to come up and I know Mom might be a little less crazy about everything one day but holy geez talk about a morning of low low to an okay high.

Dummy me, of course, then went and started reading the dang book about adoption. (I was hoping it would make me tired so I could sleep.) Well. As much as I'm loathe to admit it, the book did have a lot of stuff I could relate to, though.. none of it changed how I felt about myself trans-wise. It became clear, however, that I -will- have to address adoption-related things with my mother though if I'm to ever get the chance of her getting remotely close to accepting me.

So... I now return to Laura's with two big issues I'm trying to tackle at once. *wry smile* Just when I think I'm making progress with personal duality and taking steps to become more whole with myself, something has to come up to boff it up for me.

*sighsigh*

Yesterday I was able to draw up some hope and understanding in regards to my mother, but today I have to admit I'm flailing pretty bad. I am worried that I'm being too understanding of things involving her's and my general relationship. I want to have a better thing with her going on but I do not want to go back to the way things were. I just can't do it. I won't do it. It's been terribly unhealthy and its really recently sunk in just how unhealthy it has been. At this point I'm convinced that she needs therapy just as much as I do. I think she feels like I've rejected her for most of my life. Makes sense why this would all come out now though. I mean, coming out to her might feel like the only direct "rejection" she's ever felt justified in actually acting out at.

I... understand this. But. I cannot really be put in the position of walking her through that either. I can help on the transgender front in being open and honest with my feelings (and eventually having her join in with me and a therapist about it) but as far as the long standing adoption stuff and the rejection she feels, I can't. Heck, this book she gives Biblical credit to flat out says I shouldn't and that adoptive parents should never place the adoptee in this position.

Its all one big cluster badwordgoeshere. I'm hangin' in there as best I can. I did email Mom and told her I was making us take a bit of a break from one another. Until Sunday. Which is Mother's Day. I have a huge letter to write to her between now and then about all sorts of stuff and I have to keep it relatively blame-free, yet honest and open if I hope to get anywhere with her... .. ... ... .. ...

I'm all like.. HAHA NO PRESSURE! *lights up 27th cigarette and stares at the screen*

[Guest N. Jane]

That stinks Fire! It really does. I hope she comes around (for your sake) but she might not. At least stay close to your Dad.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine (many moons ago). Everybody in the small town where I grew up knew I was weird - I was living part time en femme by my teens and couldn't pass for a boy. My adopted mum just ignored everything or, on a couple of occasions, hauled me off to some doc or shrink to get "cured" - like totally blind to everything! My Dad was cool. He wasn't happy about it but he understood it's just the way I was and nothing was ever going to change that. I used to fight with my mum a LOT over "the way I acted" or whatever and Dad just tried to keep the peace.

When I was 24 SRS became available and I told my mum I HAD to go, that I had been seriously suicidal for nearly 2 years. She said it would be better if I killed myself! I stood there absolutely STUNNED! I couldn't believe ANYONE could ever say such a thing and I realized in that instant that SHE had a problem bigger than mine. She never did relent and never did accept me. The only time she was ever civil was years later when my (6' 6" 280 pound) husband and I visited. When she died, there were no tears.

Hope things settle down for you Fire!

[Flint]

I'm all like.. HAHA NO PRESSURE! *lights up 27th cigarette and stares at the screen*

*takes the cigarette out of your mouth and puts it out*

Okay now I've got that health risk sorted out...

To me you sound put together, sane and everything. What? I'm sane enough to notice! Okay, okay maybe I am a bit insane, but I know when someone else sounds sane!

There are probably going to be issues regarding adoption, sure. I mean wouldn't anyone in the world have a few issues with that?!

But your mother appears to have tunnel vision here. Only seeing things from the adoption side, she's not seeing anything else right now.

A few reasons I think that would be the case is because 1. She STRONGLY believes the adoption could be SOME of the issues in your life. But most of all, 2. she's needing to concentrate on that one thing because it's the only thing she feels she could possibly understand, it puts understanding into a situation that she doesn't really understand, and that will probably somewhat comfort her. Also I think it's a case of trying to convince herself that is the issue and not anything more complicated. (I'm not saying adoption issues won't be complicated) but she hopes they'll be fixed somehow. That appears to be her reasoning.

I think she needs information on both adoption issues AND transsexualism. She may not show much interest in reading the transsexual information though because that is what tunnel vision does, she'll see the adoption information and eyes will light up and beam the information right up. But I think maybe you should somehow get information about transsexuals to her. Whether she reads it or listens to it straight away though, is a completely different matter. But maybe while you're at your place and she's all alone and the tunnel vision has somewhat removed it self, maybe silently alone she'll take the chance. If it's sat there on a table in front of her. Maybe temptation will get the better of her.

Matt

[Sally]

It is so frustrating to have finally found out why things have always been different for you and then to have the person that should want your happiness above all else will not accept or even try to change your mind - I have the same problem.

I am proud of you for not being drawn into that verbal battle, it sounds like she tried very hard but you resisted - you clearly were the adult in that conversation and I would have to say you are the better man.

Sorry about your mom, but it is your life so live it for you and not for her.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Wow, Andre. I feel for you. It must really suck to have such a horrible response to coming out to your Mom. I can't imagine what you must be going through, although I can say it sounds like you are handling things really well, considering the circumstances. How could adoption be the cause of transsexualism? It can't! I can see that you already know that and I know that others have already covered that fact in their replies, but I... well, I wonder what you must be feeling having been adopted and having your Mom blame adoption as the cause for your transition...

You did the right thing by reacting without anger. I have had an anger problem my WHOLE life (it's gone now, though ) , so I know what terrible things anger can bring. But you did right by more than just taking the insults. In fact, leaving when you could take no more is the right thing to do too! You know, one thing I've learned in my recent therapy (GREAT therapist, BTW) is that we can only be responsible for our own emotions and our own actions and that we must always BE responsible for said emotions and actions.

I say give your Mom time. Let her soak some of this in. Then, start dealing with things one at a time. Expect nothing from her (or anyone, for that matter), but be OK with expecting nothing. If your Mom wants to listen, speak from your heart and CONVEY how you feel rather than try to CONVINCE her and be OK with her NOT being OK. Try to be understanding of her as best you can, but NEVER put yourself through anything you can't handle.

All of this advice is coming from a few rules (therapy LOL) that I have been living by for the past few months with great results. If they don't apply to you... Well, all I've got to go by is what I know.

Again, I know nothing of what an adoptee must feel and I may be a MTF while you are a FTM... And I know our experiences thus far are quite different, but if you EVER want to talk, I'm here, OK?

Take care, Andre.

HUGGS

Belle