I've Emotionally Lost My Mother.

[Guest thefireship]

Kind of a downer of an update about my coming out and dealing with my parents, but it cannot be avoided.

She's didn't scream at me like last Sunday, which somehow makes this more disturbing to me in a sense, but really no matter how she delivered her stance it would be no less hard to wrap my head around.

I've been cut off emotionally. She cannot accept this and flat out stated she will not. I've been asked to respect her wishes on this and I really have no choice but to do so. I am not to talk to her about anything transition related ever again. We have one more "talk" to get through with her, myself and my Dad (who is out of town) and after that, she said that's it, no more talking to her about it. (If Dad wants to talk about it with me after that, she said that's between him and me but its been reminded that she will tell him how she feels about it, which basically means she's going to try and force him to "back her up" and do what she's doing.)

I asked her a lot of questions so I'd know how she meant this and so I'd be able to really understand that she's considered the weight of what she was saying. It seems she has. But yeah. I can't talk to her about anything I learn about in therapy. She doesn't want to know when I find someone to go to. Doesn't want to know if I go on hormones or when surgeries will take place. If I show up looking all the world like a natal male some holiday down the road she said she simply will not acknowledge it. If I get beaten up by people because I am trans, I can't call. Because its related to what she doesn't want to hear about.

I don't get it. I can just accept that this is her stance and move on with myself. I haven't caught the guilt wave yet. I feel for her position, her pain but.. I seem to not be taking on more than my share of responsibility for a change. I don't want to take it. Though I feel a sense of sadness overall about it, I'm also curiously.. relieved. (And kinda wondering when this is really going to hit me where it hurts but right now, oh yeah, I'm numb to everything but that hint of relief.)

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, she's pulling an "ostrich" on you....hiding her head in the sand....

But, she IS your mom and there will be a time when she will have to acknowledge it...

And, of course, unlike so many others here, you are an adult and she can't affect your transition...

But, Honey, I know how much everyone here to be wants their family to be supportive ....

It'll be rocky right now, but, I feel like she'll be better on down the line....you are still her child!

Hand in there, Dear....

You'll win.....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Kneejerk reaction on her part. Denial denial denial!

But not outright rejection - at least she didn't do that.

What it means - and why you have a mixed reaction on this - is she is making you take responsibility for your actions, but is definately sitting on the fence.

Your response? Be the super-responsible person you know you are. say "OKAY MOTHER, on your terms - BUT know you will miss out on a very significant part of my life: who I am, and how I personally took control of my own destiny!"

Her terms - okay - your terms - not a counter-offer, but what she has forced on you!

And if you are in trouble - in serious trouble? BS - she will be right by your side! That is bravado!

So show her - be yourself - and you will be so happy that eventually she will see that. She should come around then.. If not? She is forfeiting a true love you have for you! But her choice to do that!

And you sense that - that you have been liberated somehow... False guilt? Maybe for a while - but not your fault. Any therapist will explain that to you. We simply cannot help being ourselves, what we are.

Lizzy

[Guest angie]

You mother is experiencing the first stages

of the five stages of the grieving cycle.

She is having to learn to let her(daughter)

go,and somehow accept a son she does not

know. In the eyes of our parent(s) or spouse,

the old you is or has died or dying.She will

come around,eventually.But that will take a

time of adjustment.

Each time you took a positve step towards your

target gender,and celebrated with your family...

Was like a stab in the heart to her...She is losing

her babygirl. In her mind it doesn't equal out that

she is gaining a much happier,and mentally stabler

child.She is losing the daughter she carried,nutured,

loved on and praised. Give her time to mourn.

She will come around.With your daddy being on your

side,you have a vital champion,that will always keep

trying to bring you two back together.

I am living proof of having to put up with the bad,to one

day get back all the good.Be strong,lean on your Father.

At least you have your Daddy,and wont be cast adrift...

completely alone.

Hugs Young Man,

Angelique

[Guest lvmyftm]

I agree with what Donna Jean, Lizzy and Angie said. Mom is in denial and hoping that if she stays that way long enough all this trans stuff will just go away. Sadly it doesnt work that way. Your mom does love you, she just isnt dealing with you being trans very well at the moment. Maybe your dad and talk her into seeing a therapist of her own to help her work through all of this. Like Lizzy said go ahead and try to play by her rules for now, I bet she doesnt like it very much for long. We moms are nosy, we want to know EVERYTHING that is going on in our kids lifes.

[Sally]

I hope that she will get over it and give you the love and support that you deserve, you have done nothing wrong, this isn't an attack on her and yet so often that is the reaction that we get.

I am not allowed to mention it or appear as anything but male - I get talks about getting my hair cut and an occasional mention of my fingernails but if I say anything that hints at my particular issue it is the end of the subject I am expected to 'play the hand I was dealt' while I am driving her to her doctor's appointments and getting her new glasses (apparently an exemption to playing the hand she was dealt)

It is not easy for them either but they do not see how hard this particular treatment can be on you - they think that you can just change and decide to be who they want you to be - you cannot because in that way lies madness.

If you need a mother to talk to and who will listen to your problems and hold you when you need a hug, I can do virtually all of that - the warmth of the hugs is there if you believe it is.

I would be proud to have such a fine young man call me Mom.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Nothingbutpain]

Like the others have said, she is in the grieving process. To you, you were just born by coming out by taking those first steps to her you quit litterally just died. She is going to cycle through the greiving stages and let her, she may jump around through them back peddle and go right back to denial but be sure this is normal give her time..we all grieve at different paces and honestly it could take months or years but she will get through it. And by association so will you focus on you and what you need to do and let her process it the way she knows how.

[Guest Ashley C.]

Your mom's reaction is sad, unfortunate, and reflective of a mentality that's all too common in overbearing, controlling parents--I have plenty of personal experience with this. When my mom she'd "rather I brought home a black girl" (I'm white) than tell her I'm MtF, I was stunned, not only at her sudden racism, but also at the level of psychological and physical control she thought she had over me. That was in December, and despite my efforts to reach them, my mother and father still have their heads in the sand about all this.

My therapist tells me that we can't control people's reactions when we show them who we really are--we just have to be ready to talk when they finally do come around (if ever). This mantra has helped me keep a little sanity when I have to deal with my mom and dad--maybe you would do well to follow it, too.

If you want to message me and talk about your mom, feel free to do so anytime. Sadly, we can't choose our parents--we just have to make do. Hang in there, and I promise everyone here on these wonderful forums will help you get through this.

Love,

Ash

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe if you gave her some space it would help. I think the best thing to do is continue with your transition and thru that she will understand you are serious. Sometimes family members hold onto the notion that it is a phase or confusion. Only time will show her this is serious. Nick and I gave our family time to process and after we decided they had enough time told them if they didn't respect our life then they need not be in it. I'm not saying that's what you should do but we've found it to be helpful not having negative influences in our life, especially with our children. It's not healthy for them to have a grandma that refuses to be a grandma in a trans family. :-( It's not fun but it's healthy.

[Guest Evan_J]

You will get through it. You will not like it. It may at times hurt you. But you will get through it. I at times was like you are today, "strangely not feeling anything" . Other days , pain. Moms it would seem can come up with b.s. no one else can

And somedays they tear what we intended to be the makeup of our lives.

But you know what? Every day is change. For her. For you. For all people.

My mom once said "I will not help you. There is nothing that if it is related I want any part of".

When I went in the hospital I didn't call her. I left some written instructions so my grandmother'd know where I was "just in case" because it was surgery and nothings guaranteed. But when I hit recovery thats who was there. Mom. TOTALLY p.o.'d because nobody told her. Then she proceeded to stay at my house for the next three weeks.

She once said "I'm sorry but I probably will never use a different pronoun. I wouldn't do it for anybody."

She does.

Grief and pain are huge feelings esp when peeps talk about their kids. Don't matter how old you are.

Its not something that people go through in a short amount of time.

It's long and complex and will likely involve MANY things.

You can expect to cry at some point before its "all over" . You also will likely be uncontainably enraged at others.

Transitioning the body is honestly the easy part. Its transitioning your loved ones thats hard.

[Guest Ashley C.]

Evan, your post just makes me want to cry--because I know you're absolutely right.