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Chris -> Crysta


Guest Crysta

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Guest Crysta

My journey began as most peoples did, in the beginnings of school...

I was always the one of alone, doing little nothings, locked in my own private world...

I honestly don't have any real memories of early school, likely due to the trauma inflicted so early.

Things went to hell, or so I heard, in 2nd grade. The "teacher", I found out later, from my mother, had a habit of picking a few children, who were "different", boys usually, to "make an example of" in front of the entire class.

For an entire school year, I was constantly watched for any "naughty" behavior, no matter how small. Like most kids at that age, I had a short attention span, and as such, was easily distracted. That was all it took for her to snap me up, drag me in front of the class, and punish me, visibly, physically, socially, and emotionally.

It wouldn't have been so bad I guess, except this happened pretty much EVERY DAY. To make things worse, her "punishments" were, for me, cruel enough to have made the "interrogators" at any military prison cringe, and feel sick to their stomachs...

Simply put, she would have me place my nose on the chalkboard, while standing on my tiptoes, draw a small, about one inch or so, circle in chalk around it, and then leave me there, with promises of more "punishments" if I even touched the line... She would often leave me there for much of the class. Lastly, she would love to point me out whenever she "warned" other children "Don't act like me, or you'll get the same." The only way my mother found out was when she was preparing to take me to the doctor, on suspicion of severe growing pains. Apparently I was screaming out in pain while asleep... Luckily, another mother informed her of the true cause... Suffice to say, I can't remember anyone else getting that severe a "punishment". Granted I pretty much don't remember that year, or much of Elementary school at all. PTSD can be a real pregnant dog at the tender age of 7...

About all I remember early on was being different. I had no idea why or how. Ya know how they sometimes use solitary confinement as a punishment in prison? I pretty much got that most of my life until I was in high school... The only "friend" of sorts was another boy who had worse problems than I did, misery loves company, but hates a crowd...

Looking back, I kind of see that I was always drawn to girls. In hindsight, I realize it wasn't just attraction, I also envied them a bit. I was small, thin, and had absolutely no interest in the "guy things". I do kind of remember having the occasional odd thought about how things would be different if I was a girl.

I never really dressed up, or played with makeup, and stuff. I think partly it was due to respect of my mother, cause she was a top 10 all star of a mother at the time, fighting not only for her two children who the schools wanted to basically toss in the trash as "worthless", but for HUNDREDS of others as well. Also, I was way too small to fit, and I was a little too logical...

In high school, I finally got back into "normal" classes. I was in "SED" before, which is a hellish stigma to put on a child. In SED, I was thrown in with people many times worse than me, that sometimes scared the nuts out of me. There were several "restraints" done a week, their language was positively foul, and once again, I was an outcast... Outcast among outcasts... I guess they were kind of envious, cause I didn't really belong there, I wasn't had intercourse up in the head like a lot of them were.

Part of the reason I was put in normal classes, early, was due to the fact that they just COULDN'T teach me in many subjects. It was obvious to anyone with a brain, that I was gifted. When I was tested, I was a HELL of a lot more than "just" gifted... One thing I do remember was a test I took in either late Middle School, or early High School, I forget which... I MAXED OUT on the math portion of the test, with time to spare... They had to bring in another test, an open ended one, and the scores were shocking to say the least. Near or post grad understanding in many areas, and a math score of 16.9!!! Post COLLEGE GRAD levels!!!

So, I started getting back into "school" in math, but they soon tried me out in other areas, and by 10th grade I was fully in normal classes, just with a IEP.

By this point, I was practically crippled, socially. I had spent so much time hiding, that getting "out there" terrified the hell out of me. I also had absolutely no idea what transgender was. I looked male, albeit barely, and liked girls. I just figured my "oddities" were due to the 4 or 5 other disabilities I was saddled with.

I stumbled through college, dropping out after 4 years of trying, ending up with about 2 years worth of classes. I was depressed, unhappy, alone again... However, there WAS one thing I got from college, my gender identity! I was lucky enough to be sorta friends with this sweet girl I had a class with. I don't know how I did it, but I did. I liked her, a lot! All of a sudden I was pulled into a group of friends, and everything kinda clicked! I felt some of the wonderful feelings I had always heard about, going out with FRIENDS... Things developed between two of the people in the group, one of them being the girl I liked. She ended up dating a very sweet guy, who she ended up marrying. I ended up going to his bachelor party, which was tame enough to have put a monk into a coma, but I got some "experience" as to what being "one of the guys" was, and to put it lightly, I felt REALLY awkward. It wasn't just new to social awkward, it was like I didn't belong here!!!

As their relationship developed, the group started to fall apart, as she was one of the main people setting things up, and after she was a married woman, things got even more sparse, add in both she and her husband were going into medical fields, and goodbye social planning for now... However, at that point, the fire within had been lit...

Several other things left nagging clues in my subconscious... A book called "Commitment Hour" which delved DEEP into supposed gender roles. Several stories I read on websites, mainly about girls like me, who were born different. Then came the final spark of connection... Zits, on one day, had a two panel setup, "How boys relate, How girls relate". It showed how, in the comic, both gender groups acted when it was just them, all boys, and all girls. I remember looking at that and my jaw hit the floor... I KNEW WHAT I WANTED!!! I wanted to be one of those girls! I LOVED the idea of being like that, and I know the chances of any guys doing anything even close (except maybe gay guys), or of a GUY ever being "invited" into that kind of confidence, again, unless he was gay, which I wasn't, were about as likely as G W Bush admitting that there WEREN'T W.O.M.D in Iraq...

That fire had just become a raging inferno...

I knew about Transsexuals before that, thank you and Gosh darned you to oblivion (hell is too good for slime like you) Mr. Jerry Spinger. The idea of becoming a girl was both invigorating, and terrifying... Yet somehow, I felt drawn towards it... It took me a while to come to terms with this, but when I did, I started bugging Google like crazy! I got pushed through a few sites, several of which just didn't work, and one that was actually counterproductive... It was during this point that I came out to my mom. I was terrified, and needed all the love and support I could get. I asked her not to tell dad, as where she was just nervous, I somehow felt it would be infinitely worse with him.

Sadly, I never got the chance to find out, as my father passed away, unexpectedly, in his sleep, on Nov 17th, 2008. Granted he got to live long enough to see Obama get elected... At this point, I had a new drive, Grief... Loss of a husband, father, and daddy. I spent months talking online with a wonderful group, GROWW. They helped me though some tough times there, though I quickly got back to finding my life...

Then I found my salvation, Lauras-playground. Despite the odd name, they have been a wonderful resource for comfort and understanding (and even a little envy, of girls further along than me).

It was through a friend there that I got truly started on my journey to living... Getting clothes, hormones (which I am working to get on legitimately), and just getting out there as myself!!! She even outed my to my grandma, which was a mixed blessing. At least I wasn't hiding anymore...

Ever since then, I have finally gotten my torch out of the darkness and into the world, and it just feels incredible. Even the bad times are kinda awesome, cause finally, I am free and able to express myself without the mask, I'm no longer just hanging on, surviving until some unknown thing happens, cause it did! I AM LIVING!!!

The fire has started to even out a bit, but I keep moving forward, living the life I was meant to live. I hope one day to be a good wife, though whether it will be to a man or a woman, I'm not sure yet, though I still suspect it will be a woman. Hormones are a wild ride, with no rules, no safety bars, and only your common sense as a speed limit...

Right now, my main job is to get my life moving, with a side order of educating my mother, who is still, after years, reluctant to see me as her wonderful daughter. My grandmother is pretty much a lost cause, as she is old, conservative, Christian, and only has a year at most to live (basically, when the battery in her pacemaker runs out...) Additionally, my mom is now dating a conservative, Mexican, Christian... Acceptance? Not likely...

I NEED to get my life going, as quite likely, in a few years, I WILL be all alone, what little family I have close, is likely to puff into smoke within a year or two. I guess I'm sorta lucky I got some warning, but its hell all the same. I want a family desperately, I just hope I can find them in time...

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Guest Elizabethp

I can relate in many ways to your story crysta, it does help to know that you arent alone, and that you have friends here who care about you and support you no matter what happens, like me for one :) .

I too wish to get my life started, i mean it is already i suppose, but it also isnt...it feels like my entire life so far has been the prelude to my life as myself...and im just starting to write in chapter 1 :) . Its like now, i have finally gotten permission to be myself, from the one person who can give it....me.

My parents and most of my family are a lost cause as well, sadly...all very ultra conservative, judgemental, and christian...sooo yeah, i can relate. I do have a wonderful amazing wife who has chosen to stand by me and help me as long as she can handle it, i wish i knew at what point it would be too much for her though so i could plan but at least she is there for now.

Things do get better, and it is nice to be finally free, or at least moreso than i was ;) . If you ever need anything you know where to find me hon!

Elizabeth

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  • Admin

Crysta, that's really an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing it.

You didn't mention what happened to that awful teacher. I hope she lost her job. What she did was child abuse, and she was obviously a sadist as well. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No child should have to endure such torture.

You've come a long way, but have much of the journey left to travel. I hope you can get things going, and look forward to being here along the way to help.

Love

Carolyn Marie

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Guest Crysta

Sadly, nothing happened to Mrs. Devil... Part of me worries how many dozens of children she scarred. I fear it could easily be around a hundred.

Her husband was a lawyer, and any time anyone threatened her, she just came back with a counter threat. Unfortunately, most of the children she picked on came from poorer families, and of course none of the other kids stood up to her, they were just happy not to be in the line of fire...

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