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Coming Out Advice?


Guest Cowboy

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Guest dsgb90

My biggest challenge right now in life is how to tell my family i am a transgender person without losing their support or love. I really want to tell them, but im scared of disappointing them and being "dis-owned". I would like to think my grandma, and my mom would be there to support me, but im not 100% sure they would. And to make things worse, i already have to put up with my so called "step dad" calling me names. Not that it bothers me what he thinks, but i would really hate to hear what he would say after i came out. That, and once he says things like that, my grandma makes comments about she cant wait when i have a boyfriend and this, that, and the other, but thats not who i am. I have already over heard parts of conversation, that my family does think i am lesbian. Which in some ways i guess could be considered correct, but i dont like to think of myself as a female, because it doesnt feel right to me. I really dont know how to go about telling my family about it. Im not sure if the fact that my family "expects" it from me, would make my coming out more easier, or more difficult. I was also considering the option of seeking a mental help professional, that would help me come out and tell my family. I know i will need to see one soon, but recently, the stress from how to come out, and what would happen if i did has pushed me to almost a breakdown. Crying for no reason, wanting to destroy everything around me, and having that "i dont deserve to live feeling". i am Manic Depressive, but my mom pulled me off my meds, and we have no insurance, so getting back on the meds to help me seems almost impossible, but even telling my family i need mental help seems like a challenge. I want to be happy, but im scared of being dis-owned or shunned from the family. I keep telling myself i can make it another 8 or so months and come out when im 18 but with all the stress im holding in from it, i dont think i will be able to make it that long. Any tips or advice?

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Guest KimberlyF

My biggest challenge right now in life is how to tell my family i am a transgender person without losing their support or love. I really want to tell them, but im scared of disappointing them and being "dis-owned". I would like to think my grandma, and my mom would be there to support me, but im not 100% sure they would. And to make things worse, i already have to put up with my so called "step dad" calling me names. Not that it bothers me what he thinks, but i would really hate to hear what he would say after i came out. That, and once he says things like that, my grandma makes comments about she cant wait when i have a boyfriend and this, that, and the other, but thats not who i am. I have already over heard parts of conversation, that my family does think i am lesbian. Which in some ways i guess could be considered correct, but i dont like to think of myself as a female, because it doesnt feel right to me. I really dont know how to go about telling my family about it. Im not sure if the fact that my family "expects" it from me, would make my coming out more easier, or more difficult. I was also considering the option of seeking a mental help professional, that would help me come out and tell my family. I know i will need to see one soon, but recently, the stress from how to come out, and what would happen if i did has pushed me to almost a breakdown. Crying for no reason, wanting to destroy everything around me, and having that "i dont deserve to live feeling". i am Manic Depressive, but my mom pulled me off my meds, and we have no insurance, so getting back on the meds to help me seems almost impossible, but even telling my family i need mental help seems like a challenge. I want to be happy, but im scared of being dis-owned or shunned from the family. I keep telling myself i can make it another 8 or so months and come out when im 18 but with all the stress im holding in from it, i dont think i will be able to make it that long. Any tips or advice?

I'm not an expert by any means, but you seem like you need to take care of you before you worry about a major life step like coming out. These things don't have to cost you a ton of money. some therapists work on a sliding scale. Going by your location, maybe you can get in touch with P-Flag Macon? If they don't serve your area they might know who will and get you someone to talk to. This is all going to work out.

Kar

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  • Admin

DJ, I do understand how much stress and anxiety this is causing you. Being dependent on your mother and step dad makes it tough, because you have few good alternatives if things go wrong.

If you can, try coming up with a Plan B, such as staying with a friend or a sympathetic relative for a while. That will at least give you an option if things go very wrong. But why think negatively; maybe they won't go that badly, and you can get support from at least your mother. If they have a bad reaction, you also have the option of backing off, and telling them you will wait to do anything dramatic until after you're 18, and hopefully bringing in your own money. If you plan on college, that's also a good place to begin your transition.

As far as how to tell them, often a letter works well, and helps you organize your thoughts. Its probably best to be with them as they read it to allow for questions, but if you can't face that, you could leave it for them and go somewhere for a day. There are a lot of good ideas here in the "Coming Out Forum" and the Teen Forum.

Good luck, hon.

Carolyn Marie

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Guest BeckyTG

Hey DJ,

I know a lot about this coming out business, because that's what I've been doing for the last several months. I never realized that I knew so many people.... :o)

In the case of family, I believe the hardest part of coming out is to convince them that:

1. You have a medical condition, not a mental one. This is a condition recognized by the American Medical Association and has a course of treatment.

2. This is not a fetish, a phase or a game.

3. The effects are extremely serious and may even result in death.

4. Getting treatment is extremely important and urgent.

Those were the hurdles I faced with my wife and others close to me. In the case of a dependent minor, like yourself, the best course of action is to first convince them that you have serious problems that need treatment. Don't tell them what the problems are, just that you are having a great deal of trouble in your head and you really need help.

Next, as has been suggested, see if PFLAG has a course of help for you. Oddly enough, Planned Parenthood has recently gone into the area of helping trans folks. You could get hormones and a support group in my town from PP, for example.

It's very important that you focus clearly on each step in the process and the first step in the Standards of Care is therapy to determine if you really are trans or not. Telling them you are isn't enough.

A therapist or other clinical medical person can help you with the rest of the family and can be instrumental in establishing the 4 points above, which can help your transition immensely (or not).

You must have a back up plan, a place to sleep and some way to get fed in the event that everything goes the worst way it can.

I'm also sorry to say that some people just can't handle it and you must be mentally prepared to deal with the worst possible outcome.

If you believe that this will work, it will. Tackling each step in the process can give you some relief, as you begin to see progress.

Best of luck to you, Dude and stay with us. Keep us updated on your progress. We're all cheering for you.

Best to you,

Becky

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Guest ~Brenda~

Hi Cowboy,

If your parents had to pull you off your meds due to financial reason (I am so sorry to hear that) then it sounds like your parents are going through a tough time right now financially. This means that their stress level is high. I think this moment in time is not the best time to come out. I would continue to be who you are and to express yourself as yourself. Allow coming out take care of itself. I know this sounds abstract, but forcing coming out (especially at the wrong time) usually does not result positively.

Patience is the number one quality one must posess to transition harmoneously.

Love

Brenda

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Guest sarah f

I would have to agree with Brenda in that right now might not be a good time if your parents are stressed. Continue being yourself and hope they ask you what is going on. That way you don't start it but then you can let them know how you feel.

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Guest Cowboy

thanks so much for the help y'all

its a very confusing situation for me right now. I live with my granparents, and my grandma (also bi-polar), seems like she would be supportive of me and understand how the stress, and emotions from everything are effecting me. It would break my moms heart, but i think she would be here for me also.

I think i am just going to focus on getting the help i need for my bi-polar and anxiety disorders, and make coming out a goal to work towards.

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Guest KimberlyF

I think thats a great idea, and seeing your pics you should be able to get positive feedback about who you are on the inside every time you walk out the door. You're already such a guy...the little tweeks will come. Take care of your mental health.

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