Feeling Down

[Guest shimmeringkristal]

I have been feeling down for the past 2 days. I have had the same re-occuring dream. I am laying on a hospital bed about to die and I look back on my life. I realize that something just isn't right. I was a man and always was(at least in the physical). Nothing ever seemed to work out for the possative. I never got to realize my dream and heartfelt wish that I had made my appearence match my heart and soul.

It was so horrid that I have had to change my sheets every morning because I woke up drenched in swet. Every time that I remember that dream (which seems to be all the time) I get so angry and frustrated that I just want to either shut everyone out of my life or to just go to sleep and not wake up. I feel angry at almost everone that I come into contact with and even those that I don't know but know of. I am angry at my birth parents for the "possability that this might be genetic. I am angry at my adopted parents that they didn't catch on to my problems earlier. I am angry at my friends cause all they say are things like; things will get better, or it takes time. My logical side knows that but still you don't have to keep reminding me.

I am even angry at strangers due to them possably being homophobes and with all their staring when I get clocked. I mean hasn't anyone told them how impolite it is for them to stare let alone laugh? I know in my heart that none of this is their fault. I guess that I am relapsing into the anger stage of the greaving process of not being who I should have been from birth.

I know that things are suposed to get easier as time goes by but things for me just seem to get harder and harder to the point that not only am I not progressing but regressing instead. I just can't help for feel as though all my dreames have died and are crumbling do dust in my hands.

[Guest mandy05]

Hello,

Don't know if I can be much help to you, since I too am going through a bit of a difficult time, however I wanted to at least let you know that I think I can relate to some of what you are saying.

I too am adopted, and have found myself wanting to blame my birthmother for the way I was born, along the way I was conceived (Which is not a happy story).

I also hate that people misunderstand most Transfolk. Just recently I had a possible opportunity presented to me that had to do with one of my lifelong dreams which is to once again be able to live on farm, and raise cattle like I did back when I was in my mid/late teens and early 20's.

Unfortunately I was told that since I am planning to transition that the owner (Who is a preacher) will not even consider leasing his place to me since he does not approve of my decision to transition, and since it goes against his beliefs. All I would've had to done was give up my transition, and I could've lived on an 80 acre farm out in the peaceful country without all of the congestion and noise which is a dream of mine that I have desired for a very long time. Being able to go live on that farm and have animals once again would've been a dream come true.

However, at the same time I cannot turn my back on who I truly am just to meet the approval of someone else just so I can get what I want from this person. I want people to accept me for who I am, and that is "Mandy". If I were to sacrifice my transition just to live on that farm, I fear that one day when my life on this planet comes to an end that I would look back with regret and wonder "What and who I could've been". I would never know and would always wonder who I would've been as "Mandy", and I do believe that I would regret it in the end. God knows I have enough regrets the way it is. I believe that we get only "One" life on this planet, and I refuse to live out the rest of my life as a male. I want to die and be buried as "Mandy" with a beautiful dress on with a red rose in my hand. I want people to remember me as the person who was not afraid to be "Who I truly am", not someone who hid under a rock because they were afraid of what others might think. I refuse to allow other people's opinions and beliefs rob me of my happiness along with my desire to be who I truly am.

It really angers me that people cannot see past their own close minded ways, and at least try to educate themselves on what it means to be, "Trans", and try to at least understand that I am not trying to hurt anyone, nor am I doing anything that is immoral. I wish close minded people like that would understand that when someone chooses to transition, they are only trying to match how they look on the outside with the way they feel on the inside. I wish Non-Trans people could feel our pain and understand our struggle. I wish they realized that being Trans is not a choice, and we cannot help the way we feel. People who refuse to do so expect us to just accept our current gender, and continue going through life making ourselves miserable. It's all about doing what pleases them, and conforming to their beliefs, and as far as they are concerned, it does not matter how miserable it makes us. All they really care about is us conforming to what they think or believe we should do. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of people like that, and I don't want nothing to do with anyone who does not accept me for who I am.

Do not give up on your dreams, and do not sacrifice who "You" truly are for anyone else or anything. I have spent the biggest part of my life trying to please other people, along with trying to win the approval of others, and have wasted what could've been the best years of my life doing so. It has gotten me no where. Trying to please others, and trying to win the approval of everyone else only brought me more misery.

I know it's tough, and it doesn't seem like things will ever get better. Your life is like a beautiful rose that is trying to blossom out and it is painful. Don't allow anyone or anything to stop you from blooming.

Mandy *Hugs*

[Guest Snow Angel]

It was just a dream, try not to look too much into it.

[Guest shimmeringkristal]

Thank you for your kind words. I am going to take you advise and just live life for me and to H*LL with what everyone else thinks. Thank you again and Peace be with you all.

[Guest mandy05]

You're welcome.

Mandy Renee xoxoxoxo

[Guest Andrea-M]

Hi Kristal,

Best advice has been given .....I figured that if people have a problem with us transgedered folk then that is their problem and not ours. As to feeling anger about your parents (either set) , i feel a little angry with mine at times when I am low but ...... having discussed my situation with my parents , at some length , I found them feeling that it was their fault , especially my mum , for having me in the first place(may have been her fault during pregnancy or genetics, i am like i am ), not picking up on the fact I was different, whilst growing up etc.

I found myself eventually telling them that they could not possibly blame themselves for my situation ....no one is to blame....its just a cruel world.....

As to getting angry with other people me too when i get "sired" ooooh i hate that , but when i get "maamed" I just melt .......and feel so happy that i know even if its takes a long while to get to my journeys end it will be worth it and the pain of getting there will be worth it. ( we are all roses on the bloom )

Keep your chin up girl the road i think has many bumps but hang on in there.

Huggs / love Andrea xxxx