Question On Normal Feelings

[Guest Jai]

My name is Jai and this is my first post although I have been visiting the site for a long time now.Let me first say that this may be a long read so please bare with me - lol.

November 16th I was "diagnosed" as having gender identity disorder - also the day I turned 22. My life revolved around that day, I was waiting on an answer that I felt like my entire life was riding on - weither I was crazy or not is almost how it was. In my heart I know I am not supposed to look like this and there is nothing I can do to make myself "ok" with the masculine parts of me.

I put myself in distress when I am reminded everyday about body hair, receding hairline, bad skin, etc. Thinking about surgerys and the cost of everything seems to pile on fears of never becoming complete. A fear that leads into never being loved not only by others but by myself.

Soon after being diagnosed I was in a very rushed relationship that ened very badly. I told him the truth before we ever started dating but in the end I was made out to be ... Well a freak really. I don't need people to make me feel happy but that was a major blow because I did fall in love with him and I was sent back all the way to the begining of my transition process. I'm truly lost - I have more doubt in myself than anything now. With that doubt there is hope somewhere but then I start to think " maybe you do not deserve this" (deserving in such a way as to be the person I always dreamed of) or "maybe I'm having doubts because this is really not what I want." With thinking that I feel that I can truly not stay this way - my life is this and nothing else - to take away my ability to become female would kill me.

So I have to ask - is this normal? Is it normal to get set back sometimes? Is it normal to still try to make it as a guy even though your miserable but you know it would be easier? Is it normal for the cost and "responsibility" to overwelm you to the point of feeling that you really can't do this? Any input would be appreciated.

[Guest Louise]

Hi Jai,

The answer to those questions is yes to all, you are quite normal these thoughts we all get from time to time at the start, give it time and go with your HEART it will lead you, once on your way happiness abounds.

The most important thing is to accept what you are, then you can move on ahead.

[Guest Leah1026]

My name is Jai and this is my first post although I have been visiting the site for a long time now.Let me first say that this may be a long read so please bare with me - lol.

November 16th I was "diagnosed" as having gender identity disorder - also the day I turned 22. My life revolved around that day, I was waiting on an answer that I felt like my entire life was riding on - weither I was crazy or not is almost how it was. In my heart I know I am not supposed to look like this and there is nothing I can do to make myself "ok" with the masculine parts of me.

I put myself in distress when I am reminded everyday about body hair, receding hairline, bad skin, etc. Thinking about surgerys and the cost of everything seems to pile on fears of never becoming complete. A fear that leads into never being loved not only by others but by myself.

Soon after being diagnosed I was in a very rushed relationship that ened very badly. I told him the truth before we ever started dating but in the end I was made out to be ... Well a freak really. I don't need people to make me feel happy but that was a major blow because I did fall in love with him and I was sent back all the way to the begining of my transition process. I'm truly lost - I have more doubt in myself than anything now. With that doubt there is hope somewhere but then I start to think " maybe you do not deserve this" (deserving in such a way as to be the person I always dreamed of) or "maybe I'm having doubts because this is really not what I want." With thinking that I feel that I can truly not stay this way - my life is this and nothing else - to take away my ability to become female would kill me.

So I have to ask - is this normal? Is it normal to get set back sometimes? Is it normal to still try to make it as a guy even though your miserable but you know it would be easier? Is it normal for the cost and "responsibility" to overwelm you to the point of feeling that you really can't do this? Any input would be appreciated.

Yes! You are completely normal. Let's face it, transition is the biggest thing you'll ever do in your life. Just think of the select company you'll be in! Seriously though, it is a BIG project. And like any big project it's best to talk small bites at the beginning. Don't worry about surgery right now. Only worry about the next day, the next therapy session and so on. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it your transition will take on a life of it's on. As far as the relationship coming to an end: That was a blessing. Really. Relationships are extremely difficult to coordinate with transition. I know. My divorce was the most heart wrenching thing I ever went through. But when it was over I was free to pursue my transition unencumbered. Well except for the normal stuff like working around a job and stuff.

So rest easy my friend, you are completely normal. Keep working with your therapist and remember "baby steps" until you get your bearings and then

Look out world!

[Guest louisehoffman]

So I have to ask - is this normal? Is it normal to get set back sometimes? Is it normal to still try to make it as a guy even though your miserable but you know it would be easier? Is it normal for the cost and "responsibility" to overwelm you to the point of feeling that you really can't do this? Any input would be appreciated.

Hello Jai, OMG yes! It's the story of my life dear. You are still young and you will find your way through it, believe me.

Louise

[Guest Snow Angel]

Yes, your feelings of distress are normal. It happens to all of us. The show called Sex Change on Discovery Health featured Annah Moore, and 2 years into her transition, she actually went to get her driver's license changed back to male. She was born male, but she was so far into transition that they thought she was born female and wouldn't change it for her. As she did, you might even run into crushing doubt years into transition and try to talk yourself out of it. What you are feeling is quite ordinary and happens to all of us. Keep this in mind.

[Guest shimmeringkristal]

Jai,

I am not going to say that I know exactly what you are going through due to everyone circumstances being different. I can tell you that I have had a rough time of transition. There has not been a single day that I have not had doubts. The only thing I know is that for me the want and need for me to transition out-weigh those doubts. I know that with everything put together it makes transition out to be this horrid beast that can nod be overcome. Instead of thinking of all it at the same time I just set small goals like I did for hair removal or starting hormones. Just remember not to set those goals as next to impossable. Transition is not only for the physical but for the mental as well. I have taken to seeing transition as a lifetime journey to learn about who I am and who I want to be and what makes me happy. I have learned so much about myself that I didn't even know.

I wish you peace, joy, and happieness on your journey.

[Guest Jai]

Thank you all for your support and incouraging words. I have really no support group when it comes to trans issues (the reason I decided to finally join the forums) so other wise I would still be driving myself crazy.

True about taking baby steps. After reading everyones msgs it made me realize I have been maybe to hard on myself. Someone seriously needs to write a book on how to survive transitioning - step by step guide and incouraging thoughts for along the way. An idiots guide wouldn't hurt either lol.

[Guest shimmeringkristal]

A good book that gave me quite a bit of help was "She's Not There: A life in two genders" by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

Though generally an "Idiot's guide to transsition" would not be accurate as the trans community has a good but different outlook on gender. As I always say "We get the honors of seeing both sides of the gender spectrum." That is one of my ways for me to look at the possative side of what can be a very trying experiance.