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Beckyann


Guest BeckyAnn

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Guest BeckyAnn

Beckyann Smith is who I am, I thought i would give everyone who dont know me some back ground on who I am, where I been and where I am going.

In 2005 my wife at the time seprated due to my crossdressing and her complaints that I was to femine to be with her because shes not a lesiban. Well I came to Lauras Playground after a couple of bad Trans web sites I found a home here and made friends. It wasnt long before I relized who I really am and what it would take to make me happy and that was to transition from male to female and knew it wouldnt be easy for me at 45yrs old in a male dominated world in the deep south. South Carolina but i couldnt take living a double life anymore it was a extream stress in my life I have to deal with. As most storys I started feeling female at age 5 with the rest of my sisters but wasnt accepted by my mom. ie......... you keep puting on the dresses and I'll cut it off hmmmmmmmm scared me. Well around 13yrs old I couldnt understand why i didnt have breast like my sisters. Oh that didnt go over good so i represed the feelings but lay in bed at night pretending I did. So burying these feelings at that time was all I could do. Well needless to say after 5 marriages it was apparent to me that liveing like I was , wasnt going to work I couldnt seem to find happyness unless I was MissBecky. So the transistion begins, after coming here I found a therapist and started living full time at home which didnt go over well with the neighbors LOL but thats ok it didnt bother me. After seeing a therapist for a while I aquired a Womens Center in NC to see me for HTR and off to the races I went. Like most transsexuals I wanted it and wanted it now, OMG I rushed things ignoring advise I was being given from experianced Post-Ops. At this time I went from just being a chatter on the site here to a Mod which made my day. Somebody cares finally and also understands my feelings and dont judge me I was in hog heaven. Ok Ok therapist,HRT, what next. Well instead of doing all the planning and backup plan I changed my male name legally to BeckyAnn Smith , courts ,bills , Drivers license ,Social Security card OMG I was finally happy didnt have to hide everyone knew it was great ... Except yeah here it comes , my therapist told me I had to come out not only to friends but family and I think that was the hardest thing to do. So I sent emails to mom and all 5 sisters but only one sister and my 15yr old daughter would half way accept me as I was supposedly. But I keep telling myself the family will come around and Im not living to make them happy its for me here I need to be happy with myself. And here is where I made my biggest mistake I didnt work things out with my employer BEFORE doing all this and rushed into the Real Life Test, dont get me wrong I didnt have a problem living full time and did so for 8months Untill I found out my work underlying feelings were not good go imagine that. hmmmmmmmm opps Well I had been a Moderator on Lauras for almost 2 yrs by this time and was online most of the time and started askin for help, what do I do well too late they tryed for 6 months to find a reason to ummm get rid of the company transsexual and finally did it. I got fired and lost everything I couldnt get online was extreamly broke and I suffered with this for 3 months and had a pretty rough time ask some of the old timers here they can tell ya. Well I really only had 2 choices and one was not a good one. I had a few days in crisis and almost gave up on life all together. The only good solution was to step back change everything back to the male name and re-group and do this right because untill I have the surgery in SC i had no rights. My therapist quit seeing me because I couldnt pay her so even their I was abandon which wasnt a good thing. Anyway I wasnt able to get online to come to the room for about a year while I tryed to get things together to do the transition the ummmmmmmm right way. I moved to New Mexico didnt fit their , I moved to Georgia at a food plant workin for a guy I used to know from my past. Then I ended up with god sending me this job I have now and am saving money for my GRS and paying all my bills I dont do much but have money in the bank and bills are getting paid and saving the money for the GRS in Dec this year. Basicly starting allllllllll over again because when I was living full time as female I was finally happy and now know thats what it will take for me to be happy in life. So I have a plan and a backup plan so I wont have to look back when I go back to fulltime as myself Miss Becky. My life has definately had its ups and downs but I am back on my true path to happyness for myself, Im doing this so I can finally live a happy life because if your not happy with yourself you cant be happy with someone else. Ok your close to present day , giving that Im stable with job and somewhat on money. I returned to my home here at Lauras, well lots of things has changed and it was a bit hard to get used to them and I hope I didnt upset too many people if I did I would hope they will forgive me. As I want to get along with everyone and need friends like anyone else. So I'll try my best to fit back into the group I left for the ones that knew me before and to all the new people who dont yet know me PM and we can talk I can use all the extra friends I can get.

P.S. Words of wisdom "Dont Rush It" valueable words I didt listen to the first time around from a Post-Op here

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Guest mandy05

Hi Becky,

I'm Mandy Renee. :)

Thanks for sharing your story. I find it to be quiet interesting, and insightful. Sorry that you have had to endure so many problems. It's a shame that a lot of people cannot accept us for who we are.

To tell you a little bit about myself, I am right now 37 years old, and I dress about once a week on an average. I did not start having the feelings of being TS until the later age of 34. Looking back on my life, I do believe there were some signs there many years ago, I just didn't know how to recognize them back then. It wasn't until I started education myself on the matter until I started recognizing being TS which of course was in my early 30's.

I have not begun HRT yet, however the letter has already been sent to my endrocologist. Due to my current situation, along with other reasons, I have decided to wait to start hormones until I get a few other things in my life in order first. I take transitioning very serious, and do not want to make any overly compulsive decision that could get me into trouble.

I have been doing a lot of thinking here in the past few days about how far I will take my transition. I had originally planned to go full time as "Mandy Renee" in a couple of more years, however right now I'm not for sure if I will ever go completely full time. I have found that there are other things in my own personal life that I still value highly, and I fear if I were to go completely stealth, and let everyone know that I am transitioning that I could lose those same things which I am not prepared to give up.

Here is something you mentioned in your post that I wanted to comment on:

"my therapist told me I had to come out not only to friends but family and I think that was the hardest thing to do."

I have heard about the RLT, and here is what may surprise a lot of other folks who post on here. I have been seeing my therapist for over a year now. My therapist has worked with the TS Community for 25 years. I asked her a few months back when it will be when she requires me to come out to everyone about being Trans, and do the RLT. She told me that she is not going to require that I do so. She told me that she is going to let me do what I feel is comfortable for myself. I was kind of surprised to hear that, however it could be due to other problems that I have in my life right now, or she may wait until I have been on hormones for awhile, and until I am closer to facing surgery. Outside of my transitioning plans, I have a lot of other issues that are going on in my life right now that I am going to have to deal with before I can do a whole lot with transitioning.

I have also decided that there are some people who I will never tell about my transitioning. If I were to do so, it would probably cause me to lose everything, (Especially on a financial level) and I am not prepared to face that possibility as much as I hate to admit it.

I still do plan to live at least 90 to 99 percent of the time as "Mandy". The people who I have chosen to never tell about my transitioning are business associates of mine, who live at least 1,000 to 2,000 miles away from me. The good thing however, is that I have very limited contact with those same folks. I probably won't see any of them no more than once a year, so I am prepared to put on the old male front anytime I go out to their part of the country to visit them.

There is actually another girl who is in my local support group, who is an auto mechanic. She is also another person who has to put on the old male front anytime she goes to work. However, she has to do it on a daily basis, and I would probably not have to do it no more than a few times a year, if even that. I would say probably once or twice a year on an average, and I believe I can tolerate it since it won't be very often.

Welcome back. :)

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