Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I Feel Strange


Guest Nekomata

Recommended Posts

Guest Snow Angel

I took a trip out of town to hang out with my guy friend, and also an FTM friend. I can finally present as female again, but I feel strange. I don't feel like a man or a woman. I feel totally genderless and devoid. It's hard for me to fully realize or accept I want to transition. I feel like Im a fake and I don't deserve to be able to mimic these beautiful creatures (women) that I have always envied. I feel fake to the core. I don't even know if I am a girl trapped in a boy's body. I just feel like... nothingness. I wonder why my life took this particular turn. I feel like I don't deserve to be treated as a girl by my friends. They believe it more than me sometimes, I think. I almost feel like transitioning is forced. It's something I have to do, even if I don't want to. My doctor said the hardest person to convince is yourself, and I believe she is right. I am changing reality and people's perceptions of me each day I present as female. But now I have to go through with transition because I told people I was, even if it's too expensive or impossible for me to ever attain. Why will being able to imitate a girl for the rest of my life make me happy? I just.. I don't know, I feel like I'm having a breakdown and I wonder if anyone else who's so sure of transition gets this feeling, after coming so far. I cried it all out this morning. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings.

Link to comment
Guest Jack Solomon

Hi, Snow Angel, sometimes I also get into these days where I feel fake, like an imitation. I feel so absolutely sure the world will see me as deluded, even though I logically know I am male inside, in my self. Often when I'm like this I think that I don't deserve to be alive or even to transition. Sometimes I feel like nothing, not male or female because I look in the mirror and see a female and I wonder if its even possible to go on or if I care. A lot of the time I go through periods of feeling like I care about nothing at all.

Also, may I say that you were presenting really well last night. You have made so much ground already. Your face is noticably different from those pictures you sent me a few weeks ago from two months earlier. You really did look cute.

Solomon

Link to comment
Guest Leah1026

THe first seven months of my transition were the worst. I was in therapy, still recovering from a divorce and not on HRT yet. Doubts and fear abounded. But once I worked through the initial "core dump" and got on HRT everything started to improve dramatically. Are you doing anything right now transition-wise? Have you started facial electro/laser yet? I started that 2 weeks after I started therapy and coming out of that appointment I felt so empowered! I was finally doing something. Something that was moving me forward.

Also stop "othering" yourself. You aren't mimicing anything, you're becoming your true self. You are, and always have been, female. Your gender is just as authentic as anyone else's. As Jamison Green said: You're not changing your gender, only making it's message clear. Finally I have this little tid bit I read somewhere :whistles innocently:

Don't let fear stop you from living.

Don't try being like other girls. Don't try being a stereotype. As a matter of fact I don't want you to try being anything...... except the best possible YOU.

Link to comment
Guest Snow Angel

Thank you both for the replies. I really look up to you, Leah. I guess I am just having a panic attack. I can see my beard through my makeup if I look close enough.

I don't want to go meet the rest of my guy friend's pals, because one of them has a girlfriend. (I've met them all before in guy mode.) and tonight is supposed to be my 'debut' but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm especially afraid of the girlfriend. I feel very inferior compared to a genetic girl.

Transition wise, I've been on HRT for 3 months. I have had no electro yet, I want it so bad. I can't until I start having money though. This self discovery came at a bad time. On the bright side, I do graduate and get my medical billing certificate in 3 weeks. Hopefully I can start working and get my own place and spend all my money on electro. That's part of what's stressing me out, too, is how my transition is kind of frozen, other than the hormones. It's all about money. I hate it. Life comes first, then transition.

I spent 1 hour in the bath today carefully shaving away all the body hair I could. I don't even know why I did it, I just kind of felt like I had to. I know that I am a girl, it's just so hard to accept it. I really do wish I had access to my therapist all the time; I could really use him now. I can only see him every 2 months because of my money situation.

Link to comment
Guest shimmeringkristal

Angel,

I have had those doubts many times. Then one day the thought just stuck me. The funny part of all this is that it rymed to which is strange for me. Anytime that I feel that way I just tell myself "Be who and what you wanna be, not What others want to see." Just as everyone that is not one race, hair color, or eye color; the same can be said about Gender Identity and expression. To try to be exactly like someone else is like living their life and not your own. I wish you peace and joy on whatever path you may choose.

Kristal

Link to comment
Guest KellyGirl

I can say I relate although you're further along then myself... After a weekend of my mom crying and breakdown and a rough couple of days I had an okay week this week...I kept occupied with my life. I got outside of my head. I was acting...that is if it is an act..I think my true self is somewhat who I am as a boy... but not. like my personality isn't entirely a fabrication.

anyway I started to just be...I'm not sure if what I was feeling was masculinity but it certainly wasn't femininity either...it was just...existence.

I can't say I relate to how you feel entirely becuase I'm not passing...or trying to. I'm lying to the world...and/or myself.

so yeah...I can't convince myself either...it's hard. good luck hun.

Link to comment
Guest Mr. Fox

To paraphrase Jennifer Diane Reitz, remember that transition is to become yourself, not to become a woman. Don't get hung up on whether you are a "real woman" or not. Just worry about doing what is right for your life.

Adrian

Link to comment
I took a trip out of town to hang out with my guy friend, and also an FTM friend. I can finally present as female again, but I feel strange. I don't feel like a man or a woman. I feel totally genderless and devoid. It's hard for me to fully realize or accept I want to transition. I feel like Im a fake and I don't deserve to be able to mimic these beautiful creatures (women) that I have always envied. I feel fake to the core. I don't even know if I am a girl trapped in a boy's body. I just feel like... nothingness. I wonder why my life took this particular turn. I feel like I don't deserve to be treated as a girl by my friends. They believe it more than me sometimes, I think. I almost feel like transitioning is forced. It's something I have to do, even if I don't want to. My doctor said the hardest person to convince is yourself, and I believe she is right. I am changing reality and people's perceptions of me each day I present as female. But now I have to go through with transition because I told people I was, even if it's too expensive or impossible for me to ever attain. Why will being able to imitate a girl for the rest of my life make me happy? I just.. I don't know, I feel like I'm having a breakdown and I wonder if anyone else who's so sure of transition gets this feeling, after coming so far. I cried it all out this morning. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings.

I totally know how you feel. For me sometimes I don't want to be either Gender . . . All of this coming from being insecure and unsure weither I will ever pass as my true gender. Having everything come at you at once doesn't help either.

I saw the movie Transtopia or what ever it is called and I was expecting to feel different than I did after watching it - all of these beautiful women - strong and independant. . . Confident. How can I ever be like that? I'm slowly trying to stop comparing myself to the women on tv and in magazines and just try to focus on myself. Seems that the media really pushes what you should look like a little to hard.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 124 Guests (See full list)

    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...