I Feel Strange

[Guest Snow Angel]

I took a trip out of town to hang out with my guy friend, and also an FTM friend. I can finally present as female again, but I feel strange. I don't feel like a man or a woman. I feel totally genderless and devoid. It's hard for me to fully realize or accept I want to transition. I feel like Im a fake and I don't deserve to be able to mimic these beautiful creatures (women) that I have always envied. I feel fake to the core. I don't even know if I am a girl trapped in a boy's body. I just feel like... nothingness. I wonder why my life took this particular turn. I feel like I don't deserve to be treated as a girl by my friends. They believe it more than me sometimes, I think. I almost feel like transitioning is forced. It's something I have to do, even if I don't want to. My doctor said the hardest person to convince is yourself, and I believe she is right. I am changing reality and people's perceptions of me each day I present as female. But now I have to go through with transition because I told people I was, even if it's too expensive or impossible for me to ever attain. Why will being able to imitate a girl for the rest of my life make me happy? I just.. I don't know, I feel like I'm having a breakdown and I wonder if anyone else who's so sure of transition gets this feeling, after coming so far. I cried it all out this morning. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Hi, Snow Angel, sometimes I also get into these days where I feel fake, like an imitation. I feel so absolutely sure the world will see me as deluded, even though I logically know I am male inside, in my self. Often when I'm like this I think that I don't deserve to be alive or even to transition. Sometimes I feel like nothing, not male or female because I look in the mirror and see a female and I wonder if its even possible to go on or if I care. A lot of the time I go through periods of feeling like I care about nothing at all.

Also, may I say that you were presenting really well last night. You have made so much ground already. Your face is noticably different from those pictures you sent me a few weeks ago from two months earlier. You really did look cute.

Solomon

[Guest Leah1026]

THe first seven months of my transition were the worst. I was in therapy, still recovering from a divorce and not on HRT yet. Doubts and fear abounded. But once I worked through the initial "core dump" and got on HRT everything started to improve dramatically. Are you doing anything right now transition-wise? Have you started facial electro/laser yet? I started that 2 weeks after I started therapy and coming out of that appointment I felt so empowered! I was finally doing something. Something that was moving me forward.

Also stop "othering" yourself. You aren't mimicing anything, you're becoming your true self. You are, and always have been, female. Your gender is just as authentic as anyone else's. As Jamison Green said: You're not changing your gender, only making it's message clear. Finally I have this little tid bit I read somewhere :whistles innocently:

Don't let fear stop you from living.

Don't try being like other girls. Don't try being a stereotype. As a matter of fact I don't want you to try being anything...... except the best possible YOU.

[Guest Snow Angel]

Thank you both for the replies. I really look up to you, Leah. I guess I am just having a panic attack. I can see my beard through my makeup if I look close enough.

I don't want to go meet the rest of my guy friend's pals, because one of them has a girlfriend. (I've met them all before in guy mode.) and tonight is supposed to be my 'debut' but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm especially afraid of the girlfriend. I feel very inferior compared to a genetic girl.

Transition wise, I've been on HRT for 3 months. I have had no electro yet, I want it so bad. I can't until I start having money though. This self discovery came at a bad time. On the bright side, I do graduate and get my medical billing certificate in 3 weeks. Hopefully I can start working and get my own place and spend all my money on electro. That's part of what's stressing me out, too, is how my transition is kind of frozen, other than the hormones. It's all about money. I hate it. Life comes first, then transition.

I spent 1 hour in the bath today carefully shaving away all the body hair I could. I don't even know why I did it, I just kind of felt like I had to. I know that I am a girl, it's just so hard to accept it. I really do wish I had access to my therapist all the time; I could really use him now. I can only see him every 2 months because of my money situation.

[Guest shimmeringkristal]

Angel,

I have had those doubts many times. Then one day the thought just stuck me. The funny part of all this is that it rymed to which is strange for me. Anytime that I feel that way I just tell myself "Be who and what you wanna be, not What others want to see." Just as everyone that is not one race, hair color, or eye color; the same can be said about Gender Identity and expression. To try to be exactly like someone else is like living their life and not your own. I wish you peace and joy on whatever path you may choose.

Kristal

[Guest KellyGirl]

I can say I relate although you're further along then myself... After a weekend of my mom crying and breakdown and a rough couple of days I had an okay week this week...I kept occupied with my life. I got outside of my head. I was acting...that is if it is an act..I think my true self is somewhat who I am as a boy... but not. like my personality isn't entirely a fabrication.

anyway I started to just be...I'm not sure if what I was feeling was masculinity but it certainly wasn't femininity either...it was just...existence.

I can't say I relate to how you feel entirely becuase I'm not passing...or trying to. I'm lying to the world...and/or myself.

so yeah...I can't convince myself either...it's hard. good luck hun.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

To paraphrase Jennifer Diane Reitz, remember that transition is to become yourself, not to become a woman. Don't get hung up on whether you are a "real woman" or not. Just worry about doing what is right for your life.

Adrian

[Guest Jai]

I took a trip out of town to hang out with my guy friend, and also an FTM friend. I can finally present as female again, but I feel strange. I don't feel like a man or a woman. I feel totally genderless and devoid. It's hard for me to fully realize or accept I want to transition. I feel like Im a fake and I don't deserve to be able to mimic these beautiful creatures (women) that I have always envied. I feel fake to the core. I don't even know if I am a girl trapped in a boy's body. I just feel like... nothingness. I wonder why my life took this particular turn. I feel like I don't deserve to be treated as a girl by my friends. They believe it more than me sometimes, I think. I almost feel like transitioning is forced. It's something I have to do, even if I don't want to. My doctor said the hardest person to convince is yourself, and I believe she is right. I am changing reality and people's perceptions of me each day I present as female. But now I have to go through with transition because I told people I was, even if it's too expensive or impossible for me to ever attain. Why will being able to imitate a girl for the rest of my life make me happy? I just.. I don't know, I feel like I'm having a breakdown and I wonder if anyone else who's so sure of transition gets this feeling, after coming so far. I cried it all out this morning. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings.

I totally know how you feel. For me sometimes I don't want to be either Gender . . . All of this coming from being insecure and unsure weither I will ever pass as my true gender. Having everything come at you at once doesn't help either.

I saw the movie Transtopia or what ever it is called and I was expecting to feel different than I did after watching it - all of these beautiful women - strong and independant. . . Confident. How can I ever be like that? I'm slowly trying to stop comparing myself to the women on tv and in magazines and just try to focus on myself. Seems that the media really pushes what you should look like a little to hard.