Coming Out Letters

[Guest KimberlyF]

I'm in the process of writing a letter to my parents and I started to read other's letters. I asked if it would be OK to have a thread with all of the letters in one location as a sort of reference and it was OKed. I've found about a half dozen in a quick search, so I'll post the letter and the thread it's from. And if anyone else has a letter they've saved and not shared with LP, you could post it here. I've spent 8 hours writing things to people before where every sentence is an ordeal and at the end, forgotten to cover some very important aspects so maybe this could help people get their thoughts in order?

Kim

[Guest KimberlyF]

This is the end of a letter posted by a member.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=24063&st=0&p=233178&hl=letter&fromsearch=1entry233178

Also, I want you to know that anything pertaining to masculine identities is not "perpetuating" anything. I understand that we were born and raised in very different eras, and while I recognize that life may be difficult due to the path I have chosen, I am prepared to endure the consequences so long as I can be comfortable in my own skin. I understand that you, as a person, see my choice as that of a "freak" or a "love-up," but I don't want you, as a mother, to invalidate my emotions. I recognize that my brain is still developing, but large life-decisions I've made in the past have stuck -- not because I'm not open to them changing, but because when I make a decision like this, I know it's right for me. I understand that I don't follow the textbook definition, but in this day and age...who does? Textbook definitions are there so you can diagnose people who exhibit certain characteristics from their youth -- not to claim that someone isn't something just because they haven't always exhibited the characteristics of (whatever it is you're diagnosing at the time). In fact, I'm fairly certain the reason I didn't exhibit any "typical characteristics" is because I've always been so concerned about fitting in and trying to have people accept me for who I am. And I've always felt so different that I've changed myself in order to fit in. I didn't have a chance to breathe or think about how I feel about the changes I was making to my lifestyle in order to be a social creature until I went to McAuley and didn't have to worry about everyone dressing a different way. That's when my introspection began, and that's when I started to become more comfortable with myself as a person. Even you said you could tell I was much more comfortable after beginning my schooling at McAuley. In two years, I will be in college. In two years and three months, I will be turning 18 -- I will be an adult. By that time, I want to be able to be who I want to be socially (obviously I can't do anything medically until I've earned enough money after I turn 18). As an adult, the states I'm interested in living in are few and far between, and I looked online at their non-discrimination laws, and all the states I'd like to live in (and then some) have non-discrimination laws against gender identity/expression in the workplace, housing, and public accommodation settings. We're living in a different world now, mom. The only people who haven't been completely okay with and supportive of my gender identity are you, that random person from Falmouth, and dad (but to a lesser extent). Even if you can't accept my decision, I wish I could garner some respect from you. You're the woman that raised me into the human being I am today. I respect you and love you and would hate for our relationship to be destroyed over something petty like gender.

[Guest KimberlyF]

This is a speech to coworkers

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=22940&st=0&p=224344&hl=letter&fromsearch=1entry224344

I want to share something very personal with all of you.

It is a decision that will impact the rest of my life and I would like you to understand how important it is to me.

I have decided to initiate a gender transition. This is a lengthy process where I will be assisted by professionals and will require that I make changes to my lifestyle in and outside work.

Part of the process I need to go through requires that I begin to live my daily life as a woman which is the ultimate goal of my transition. 

I know that most of you may have never experienced this process and I understand that you may have questions about it. I have access to information that may help you better understand the process I am going through and I or Human Resources can make it available to you. 

Some of the changes will take time, some changes I need to begin relatively soon. As part of my transition I have begun the process of changing my name. I need to be called by that name that will be a part of my new identity as a woman. I know it will take a little time to get used to it but it is very important that I be called Natalie and the proper pronouns be used when addressing me as that is an integral part of my transition.

I hope you realize that this change in my life does not have any impact on my professional commitments, the quality of my work or the skills I bring to the university every day. I look forward to your continued friendship and support.

Thank you

[Guest KimberlyF]

This is to friends.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=21604&st=0&p=210807&hl=letter&fromsearch=1entry210807

I don’t know how to say this. Well, I guess no one truly does.

I am trans. I am a guy stuck in a chick’s body. I am an andropunk that wants a flat chest and his friends to accept him.

It’s not a phase. It’s not a question. It’s not an attention-grab.

It’s a fact.

Coming out scares the shiz out of me. As much as I trust you and know you and love you…. So much can be lost over such a statement: “I’m a guy.”

I tried to work into this slowly. Mentioning Laura’s Playground and my brothers. Coming out as being androgynous as well. Just trying to ease into it. I am at the age now where I can start to do something about my identity. I can go to therapy, I can get on T, and I can move around freely. So much can be accomplished once I don’t have to worry about the little formalities that come with being chained at home.

For years I have struggled with this. Even when I was little; I was always the boy and always waned to be the boy. In public school I tried to be feminine and it ended up making me hate myself, made me self conscious and afraid. Then, in high school I didn’t care much anymore. I didn’t go out of my way to fit either gender role, Hell I avoided the male ones just so I wouldn’t have to deal with people.

I am sure you have noticed. When’s the last time you remember me locking onto a specific gender? If only you knew the joy I felt all those times we joked about boys living in my head and about me walking like a boy. The awesome sensation of being sir’d at work and bro’s at the gym. It’s time my body caught up with my mind.

The time has come for me to be honest with myself. To be honest with those around me; to get support and find happiness. Even if, for the moment, it will only be shared among my closest friends.

If you are freaked out or confused or peed, please know that I am too. I have been for a long time. My only escapes have been submerging myself in the Trans community and self-harming.

So, I am now taking one of the first steps into my transition. And I want you to take it with me.

If you can’t … I understand. I don’t blame you for it. I don’t hate you for it. We are best friends for a reason. I respect you and now I am only asking for the same courtesy.

Please let this stay between us. No parents, no friends, no coworkers, no one but us. I am only sending this to Emma, Nicole, and Cassandra. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, insight, whatever please just email me back. Even if you don’t have anything to say, please respond, just so I know you have read this.

I am the same person as I was last time we spoke. Last time we laughed. Last time we were together. I wish for your support.

I love you.

Izzy[/i]

[Guest KimberlyF]

This is to extended family.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=21512&st=0&p=209639&hl=letter&fromsearch=1entry209639

Dear Family,

I have a great many things to tell you all. None of the things I am about to say will be easy for me to tell and some of them worry me that I'll not be wanted around anymore.

I'm getting a divorce. Things with the wife just weren't working out. We were going to perservere toward eternal bliss, but we decided it would just be too senseless an endeavor. I left her. I was tired of being lashed out at and lied to. We may have a custody battle on our hands.

In these past several months, my wife and I had been attending both individual and couples' therapy. We were trying to save a marriage that died before it ever began. I gained a lot during those few months of therapy. For example, I learned just how easy it could be to put down my anger. I was planning on coming to each and every one of you in person and apologizing to you all for the anger that I have been harboring against you--a shortcut to taking responsibility for my own feelings towards others; an easy way to free myself from anger. However, given the light of what I am about to tell you all, I am more than frightened to have to face any one of you. Again, I am scared that you might not want me around. I have written you all personal letters regarding the anger problem of my past and sent them out at the same time as this letter.

I have hated myself my entire life--litteraly, since preschool--and, while I'm experiencing a great number of hardships, I am finally beginning to love myself.

You see, I've been through lots of therapy. And, to be honest, I manipulated my way through every second to avoid having to deal with the real cause of all my inner turmoil. I have been pretending for a very long time to be someone that I am not. I have been pretending for as long as I can remember and, as I grew older, I pretended all the more. I have been dealing with something my entire life that I have never told anyone about until just a few months ago. Even with all the therapy I have been through, I have gained nothing except for what I gained while attending therapy with my wife very recently. Why did I, so suddenly, become receptive? I came to terms with who I am. I decided I no longer wanted to see myself as a freak and that gave me strength.

This may be hard for you all to believe, but I have never identified with maleness. I have never identified with masulinity. To me, I have always been a girl. I have always self-identified as female.

I'm trying to tell you all that I am and have always been transsexual, although I loathe the word. I want to explain to you all that this does not make me some disgusting, perverted freak. That's what I thought of myself since childhood and, only recently, have I become formally educated on the matter.

It is believed by many to be a birth defect, but that is not what's important. What's important is that I have a medical condition that which has caused me a psychological condition: Gender Dysphoria. I wish that I could describe to you the tragedy of a life that I have led, but I fear that none of you will understand and that's OK. It doesn't really matter if anyone ever understands. I just pray that you will all want to see me again. But, please know this: I have lived a life of pain.

I am now in transition. I'm changing my outside to make it look more like I feel on the inside--female. I dont want to go on to the specifics. This letter is hard enough as it is. But I will not be the same person you have always known. I am already dressing and acting like myself.

This is something I need to do in order to save my life. This is something that I have to do. For transsexuals, transition is medically necessary. Gender Dysphoria is, quite literally, a killer.

If any of you have any questions for me or would like to write me in response, I welcome you to send me a letter back, but this is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I ask that any letters you send in response be gentle and that nobody ever makes this out to be a joke. I cry enough already. I cry every single day.

With love,

***LEGAL NAME REMOVED FOR PRIVACY CONCERNS***

[Guest KimberlyF]

Another mother letter.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=13983&hl=letter&st=0

I know this is probably hard to accept, but being transgender means I want to take hormones to make me into a woman; though I think I am not going to get surgery because for now I just want to take hormones to make myself a woman without having to be cut open. In fact, I am positive this is necessary in order for me to be happy. I am well aware a lot people can not accept this, but there are a lot of people that can accept it as well and I only get one life, so I want to try and be happy even if it means not being accepted by my father anymore. No matter what the consequences I feel if I have to live my life as a boy I would be better off dead.

I am pretty sure about this as I have felt I should be female almost my entire life; probably even my entire life, as I recall wishing I was female even before puberty. When I hit puberty especially I became depressed because I was becoming more and more like a male the longer I spent going through puberty. I really hate everything about being male; I don't like having body hair, I don't like being expected to act like a male, I don't like my name, I don't like being referred to as mister, I don't like my uncomfortable male clothing, I especially don't like my body, I don't like being "handsome", I don't like having to have short hair, I don't like any of it. I can not think of one single thing about being male that is good and I am well aware of many of the problems women have to face.

I never was a computer addict, I just spent so much time on the internet and still do because I can be myself on there. That is also why I never want anyone to watch what I am doing on the computer and perhaps why I am so secretive all the time.

This is not your fault in any way and I hope you don't blame yourself or my dad. It is not about how I was brought up, it is about how I was born.

I am not a pervert with a fetish and I am not just gay and looking for an excuse to be gay. I actually consider myself a lesbian and I want to be a girl because of social reasons. I feel I socialize a lot easier as a girl than I do as a boy and in general I just feel wrong trying to pretend like I'm male when I am not. I am not crazy either.

It is natural to feel upset by this, but things could have been so much worse. I could have been a murderer or a rapist, but I am not; my problem can be resolved through hormone therapy and I am not in risk of going to prison or hurting anyone. I know it is selfish of me, but I really feel horrible knowing you have to go through this because of me and that is the only reason I don't want to see you cry. Even if my appearance changes I will always be me.

[Guest KimberlyF]

To a mother

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=9691&st=0&p=95805&hl=letter&fromsearch=1entry95805

Mommy  please read all of this

I know I hit you hard with what I told you a while ago. But I’ve felt that way for along time even before I researched it. I want to explain some of it to you in this letter at least I’m hoping to.  Before I go any further mom I love you but I need to tell you this ‘cause I feel this way so strongly. 

I always felt different and couldn’t figure out why. I remember never really relating to any of the boys at school or any other boy in my life. I always felt kind of weird bout myself and I always hung around girls at school with a few acceptations 

I started wanting to be a girl round five or six. Around nine or ten it became really strong, I couldn’t stand being a boy I hated it, it felt really wrong for me. I began to think I was messed up and went into denial thinking I was just gay or something was wrong with me.  It really confused me for a while till I was around eleven or twelve when I tried to tell you the first time.

I remember wishing every day to be a girl when I was younger . And then waking up and seeing I was a boy. I remember one year I wanted to ask Santa to make me a girl. I could just cry when that happened I was so upset. I use to cry when I was alone because I didn’t want to be a boy or in the shower.

Mom have you ever wondered why I like to wear make-up or that I painted my nails or wear tight jeans or my best friends are girls.

Mom I know you must be sad or angry after reading this, but I needed to tell you this cause I cant hide who I really am anymore and I don’t want to hide around you. I couldn’t tell you everything I’ve been through because of feeling this way. But I’m not confused anymore I know I’m not a gay male I’m very sure of this I’ve felt this way since I really can remember

This is not your fault though mom I want you to know that, I’m sorry for this but I really want to be a girl, and not only want to be a girl be treated as one as well that’s all I really want from you mom. I know how much you wanted a boy but this is what I want for myself and all I really want is you support and understanding

Thank you for reading this

Mom I love you

Your daughter Emily

[Guest KimberlyF]

Another mother

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=9396&st=0&p=90106&hl=letter&fromsearch=1entry90106

Mother.

There is something i have wanted and needed to tell you for quite some time now. years infact. Do you remember that time you found all your make-up lying about the bathroom and i told you it was because "i was teased about being ugly at school"? Do you remember when i told you that i thought i was gay? How about only the other day when you were telling me about a woman with 2 grandchildren who worked as a stripper and i said "wow i would be so embarassed to be her granddaughter". What about that time you were playing on my DS and noticed that my name was not written as Daniel, but Ashlee? Well here and now im hoping to explain myself. But first i ask that as you read this, you remain as open minded as you were when i first told you i thought i might be gay. This, i cannot stress enough. So...

For as long as i can recall, i have felt different. Very different. At first, i thought i was a guy who was into other guys (and pretty messed up in the head to go along with it). But as time passed i felt more and more uncomfortable with who... or rather... what i am. It didnt take long for me to realised that it had nothing to do with sexuality and this only made me more afraid than i already was. So i decided to do something about it and find out whatever i could about these feelings i had inside me. Now i know. I already knew this long before i educated myself on it but this was a moment it was set in stone. it made sense. I was gender-confused. I always felt like a girl, thought like a girl... even acted like a girl (at least when i was alone) and now i knew it wasnt because i was "messed up", it was because of a monstrous mix up when i was still being developed in the womb. 

So... to just be out with it...

Mother, I have for as long as i can remember, felt like i was a girl trapped in the wrong body.

 I can assume you are either enraged or depressed by what you have just read but im asking you, as your child, to help me. Im asking you, as my mother, to be there for me and help me through this. I hope you can understand that i didnt choose this nor am i just going through a phase. This is real and i will take whatever response you give.

I love you mum...

Your daughter, Ashlee

[Guest Liam]

Coming out to friends at school (via email): September 2008

Hey everyone. I hope you all had good summers and are happy to be back on campus. I know that I am! I want to tell you folks something, and I’d do it in person but I know I’ll either chicken out or be horribly inarticulate. This is really hard for me, even in writing. I’m transgender. I identify primarily as male, even though I was born with a female body. It something I’ve been grappling with most of my life, but it’s been in the forefront of my mind for the last few years. After a lot of deliberation this summer, I’ve finally decided to begin to transition socially this year. Basically what that means for me is that I want to be considered and treated as a guy, even though physically and hormonally I’m still female. I’m taking everything really slow, but I think that I’m ready for people to call me by a male name and pronouns. I’ve chosen the name Liam, or Lee for short, mostly because it is the closest name I could come up with to my given name. I would really appreciate it if you could begin to call me Lee (or Liam) and refer to me using male pronouns. I know that this may be tough for those of you who have come to know me as [female name], and I completely understand if you slip up. All I ask is that you please try. You all are the first group I have come out to about this. Everyone else on campus (and in the rest of my life) still knows me as [female name], a girl. I’ll be introducing myself as Lee to new people that I meet. It’s people I already know that will be tough. I’m still not sure how I’m going to deal with that, but I’ll get there eventually. Quite honestly, I’m scared out of my mind sending this to you all, though I know I shouldn’t be. You all are awesome, and I trust you a lot. And I’m totally open to answering any questions or talking about whatever. Well, thanks for reading all of that, and thanks for understanding. I’ll see you all around soon. I hope the first few days of classes go well for everyone.

-Lee

[Guest Liam]

Coming out to my brother (via facebook message): December 2008

Hey [brother's name],

There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, and I’m a little bit scared because I don’t know how you’re going to react. It’s not a big deal, really, though many people see it as such. I hope you don’t, though I expect you may.

Well, I'll cut to the chase. I’m not a lesbian. I’m transgender. I identify as male and I’m going to be transitioning to live as a man. I’ve been actively struggling with this for several years. I came out at Whitman in September, and I’ve been living as a guy at school all semester. My friends and professors call me Liam, or Lee for short and for convenience. I chose that name because it’s the closest name to [female name] that I could come up with.

I haven’t told Mom or Dad yet, though I’m planning to do so soon. I just wanted to make sure that I told you first. I’ve been avoiding coming out to you because I don’t want to create awkwardness or weirdness. You’re a great brother and an awesome friend, and I didn’t want to ruin any of that. Of course, I also know that you are an extremely accepting and caring person, so I know I shouldn’t have much to fear. I don’t want this new bit of information about me to change anything; I’m still exactly the same person as I was before – still the slightly annoying sibling you’ve always had.

Anyways, if this is something you want to talk about or have any concerns or questions about, I’m totally open to that. I will be in my room most of the morning, so if you want to talk, come on over, or reply to this message, whatever you feel comfortable with. I know it will probably take you a while to get used to this, and I’m willing to be patient. I value our friendship very much, and would hate for it to change. Well, I hope you’re having a pleasant morning. I’ll talk to you soon. Love you.

[Guest Liam]

Coming out to parents (via letter): January 2009

Dear Mom and Dad,

Writing this letter is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have put it off for so long, and sometimes even answered your questions untruthfully in order to avoid telling you. But I know that I shouldn’t be hiding stuff from you. I know you both love me and that you just want what’s best for me. I waited until after the holidays so that we could all enjoy the time together, and I seriously considered waiting longer because I know this is a busy and stressful time of year and I didn’t want to add to that, but I can’t put this off any more. Now is the time for honesty, so I’m going to be completely honest here.

I’m not a lesbian. I’m transgender. I identify as male and I’m transitioning to live as a man. I’ve been actively struggling with this since I first learned what the word transgender meant, over two years ago, but I’ve been dealing with issues of gender identity and discomfort with my female body and with my societal assignment as a woman for much longer than that. When you asked me last year if I was gay, I said yes because at the time it felt easier than admitting that I was trans. I was not ready yet. And at the time, I wasn’t entirely sure that I would end up transitioning. I thought it was still possible that I would live the rest of my life as a masculine woman. But I know now that I will be happier and more complete living as a man. This was not an easy thing to admit to myself; after all, you raised me to know that women can do anything, and I wanted to be proud of being a strong young woman. But it never felt quite right to me. When I learned about what it meant to be transgender, my life simply made so much more sense.

Something you need to know for 100% certain – this is not a result of anything either of you did, and there was nothing you could have done to make me turn out differently. I don’t want you feeling guilty about anything. You raised me just right, and I love who I am. This is nobody’s fault. It’s just the way I am.

I came out at Whitman immediately after summer break. I’ve been received with absolutely overwhelming support. Pretty much everyone at Whitman knows now, and I have been living as a guy all year. I came out to [brother] about a week ago, and he is totally supportive. I’ve chosen the name Liam (though a lot of my friends call me Lee) because it’s the closest name I could come up with the name you gave me. Keeping that link was important to me.

I know this news must be very hard for you. I cannot even fathom the things you both are feeling right now. This is not the life you expected me to lead. But I have tried so hard to be happy as a girl and as a young woman, and it always felt wrong somehow. This hasn’t been easy for me, and these are not decisions I take lightly, but they are the decisions that are going to be the best for me and allow me to live a more complete and fulfilling life. I need you to know that I as a person have not changed. I have the same personality, the same goals and values, the same sense of humor, and pretty much everything else that makes me who I am. I am, however, infinitely happier and more confident than I used to be. You don’t need to worry about me – I love my life and I love who I am.

I understand you may need some time to get used to this. It took me a long time to understand and accept, and I expect that it will take you a while to adjust, too. Attached are some links to some online resources. Read them at your leisure – you don’t have to read them right now if you don’t want to. I am telling you all this by letter as opposed to in person because I simply needed the space to be able to express everything I wanted to say without emotions getting in the way. Though this may seem more impersonal, it is not intended to be so. It was simply the easiest way for me to initiate this potentially difficult conversation.

I know this is going to take time for you to process and, hopefully someday, accept. I’m willing to be patient. I love you both so much.

[Guest Liam]

Coming out to professors (via email)

Hi Professor [name],

My name is Liam, and I'm going to be in your [class title] class for this coming semester. I just wanted to let you know, before classes start, that I am transgender. I am listed on your roster by my legal name, [female name], but I prefer to go by Liam. If you are familiar with the term transgender, please excuse my explanation, but I want to make sure that we have equal understanding. I was assigned female at birth and, currently, my school records say that I am female. However, I feel that this isn't the best descriptor for me, and I am much more comfortable and happy going through life being seen as a man. Therefore, I ask that you refer to me as Liam and with male pronouns (he, him, his). It might be helpful if you mark this on your class roster in order to minimize slip-ups. I hope that this message reaches you well, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Thank you very much for your time and, hopefully, your understanding. I’ll see you in class on Tuesday.

-Liam

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I know that coming out is a very important step. For many, a letter seems the most appropriate way to come out. For myself, I never wrote a letter. My entire experiences regarding coming out was verbal. Each experience was unique, but what was common was that I talked to each person in person or on the phone.

Coming out using letters or directly shows the similarity and differences of our paths. In this case, coming out is the goal. How we each did it is different, but the goal is the same

For those who use letters to come out, I wish you all success. For those who come out verbally and directly, I wish you all success.

Like transitioning, there is no one way. Coming out is a clear example of this.

Love

Brenda

[Guest KimberlyF]

I know that coming out is a very important step. For many, a letter seems the most appropriate way to come out. For myself, I never wrote a letter. My entire experiences regarding coming out was verbal. Each experience was unique, but what was common was that I talked to each person in person or on the phone.

Coming out using letters or directly shows the similarity and differences of our paths. In this case, coming out is the goal. How we each did it is different, but the goal is the same

For those who use letters to come out, I wish you all success. For those who come out verbally and directly, I wish you all success.

Like transitioning, there is no one way. Coming out is a clear example of this.

Love

Brenda

LOL...and then there's me in the middle right now.

My thoughts on this process sitting smack dab in the middle:

I have written most of my letter and I don't even know if I'll give it to my mom or just talk to her. But I do think it was a process that helped me get my ideas down on paper. The one thing that I give an edge to paper over verbal is someone like my mother who's argumentative will get all the points before we talk. There won't be a short discussion and then a major emotional blow-up and then two hours later I leave and I'm driving away and think I never covered this this and this. The major advantage of the verbal to me is the other seems almost cold and impersonal even though there were many hours and tears spent on a letter that was anything but. I'm thinking the best way might be going there and handing her the letter then walking into the next room with a bottle of something and maybe one of those wide mouth straws.

And I'm also thinking now of coming out to my dad first so we can attack...I mean talk to her together. I've always felt my dad would support me more but I've always been closer to mom and my mom is more important to me cause well, I'm a girl. My dad and brother were a team and my mom and I were a team. And at times we almost seemed like us against them. Its how my family dynamic broke down.

Kim

[Guest msjessice]

heres what i wrote to my parents

"Mom,

Mom listen there’s something I want to tell you, mom I want to be a woman, no really I do. I’ve always wanted to ever since I was like five but I was forced to suppress those feelings and thoughts and for the most part I did. Until about four months ago, then they came back. I know what you’re going to say “It’s just a phase” well ive got news for you, it’s not a phase! I’m not “confused” im not “to young to know” it’s not “just hormones” it’s a real birth defect and im not alone. Some of my friends already know and accept me, Traci (we’re dating again), my friend Sarah, my friend Tiana, and there’s a whole website that I got to a lot that is devoted to helping people like me. They’ve helped me down from the edge of committing suicide. Mom I really do want to be a woman, I want um breasts and um a vagina (they can do that now you know). I want to be a full woman because it’s who I am inside. I want to wear girl clothes I kind of already have some, well its really only underwear but it’s a start. I even have some make up which I enjoy wearing, it’s not much but it’s still nice. I even shave my legs. There are special counselors called gender counselors, I think there’s one up in Keene, I would really like to see one. Also the next time we see the medicine lady do you think I could get like some anti depressants or something? I’ve just felt soooo bad lately. About the clothes, can we maybe go to hot topic to get them? They have a lot of cute clothes that I really like a lot. And before you ask I do still like girls not boys, well I mostly don’t like boys. And I would really like to be called Jessica or Jess either one works for me. I know this may be a little crazy and if you have any questions I can show you that site they have a lot of helpful tips for parents and there’s also a book at the library called “The Transgender Child” I would be more than happy to grab it for you. I’ve done the research and I know this is what I want, I hope you can accept me for who I am and help me get the help that I need.

Your Daughter,

Jessica" it whent over nicely

[Guest Karen K]

I am new to this site, though I registered some time ago. I have been very envovled on two other sites and a new aquiantence sent me a link back to this forum. So I stumbled upon this thread and thought I'd weigh in.

I told my mother face to face, this was difficult for me as I, and probable most every offspring on the earth, wanted my mom to be proud of me. But, as it turns out, my mom still loves me and wants me to be happy. She realized that, with this GID, that I have not been truly happy over my 49 years on this planet.

My older sister, I told over the phone. I knew she would be accepting as she is a confirmed liberal, the lone one in a family of conservatives. She was very accomidating and started using my female name right away.

Which brings me to the "why" I'm adding to this thread. Namely the telling to my younger siblings, both of whom have their own families to consider. Given the distances to my brother's family and my sister's I decided that the written word would be the best form of communicating my decission. So here it is:

Dear_______________

I want to tell you that I love you very much. The time I have spent with you and your family is precious to me. And I hope that I will be able to spend more time with you all in the coming years. I am sure you feel the same as me when I say; there is nothing I wouldn’t do or endure for you or your family. Family is very important to me, as it is to you.

I want to tell you something about myself that I have kept buried for a long, long time. Indeed, my earliest recollection is when I was five years old. Although I did not understand what exactly I was feeling, at that young age, I just knew that I was different from all the other boys. As I matured, I began to realize what this feeling was, but, as I believed I was the only one who felt this way, I was afraid to say anything. As a youth, I wanted approval for my endeavors. I wanted to please mom, dad, and you, my sisters and brother.

As I grew older, this feeling became stronger. What little I learned about my condition, both scared and fascinated me. And yet, I could not find the courage to tell anyone. Even now as I write this I wonder if I will be able to post it to you. I was and still am, very much afraid or rejection--rejection by family, friends, and society. I am afraid of being mocked, laughed at, and afraid of the stares, whispers and finger pointing. I am terrified of not being accepted, which is what anyone desires--- acceptance.

Educating myself was difficult in my younger years, but that all changed with the World Wide Web. Suddenly, I knew I was not alone. I also could put a name to my condition, Gender Identity Disorder (GID). Put simply, GID is a conflict between how a person identifies inside and how they present or look on the outside. Through the internet, I found a plethora of information and guidance in regards to GID. But I needed medical confirmation.

About 4 years ago, I found a therapist, Dr C, in Galveston, at The Rosenberg Clinic. This clinic has been in existence since 1978 (if only I had known back then). Dr. C’s specialty is in gender issues. In early 2007, I made the first of several appointments with Dr. C. During these sessions, I told the doctor what my feelings were and what I had done to either alleviate or suppress them.

I joined the U.S. Navy hoping that would be a career I could “lose” myself in. When that didn’t work out, I went into civilian flying. I became quite successful at that and through flying I met G.

I felt this deep love for G, which was different than that felt for the previous girlfriends I had had. I believed that this was the final nail in the coffin, a good nail that would put to rest this conflict of mine.

Many times, during my marriage, I started weight training. I began to “muscle up”, I grew a scruffy beard and kept my hair short (although this may have been a holdover from my Navy days). But this gender confusion was not far from my mind.

The pressure was building and affecting my work and my marriage. So I sought out Dr. C. After several sessions, I had my confirmation of GID and also what the course of treatment could be. Before that, however, he recommended and I agreed that I talk with G.

It was late in 2007 that I tearfully told G what I had been suffering with for more than forty years. We both had a long cry. Her sympathy for me was very overwhelming. For her sake and for me as well, we tried to put my condition behind us. For three years I again buried my needs for the benefit of G, my job, my friends and you my family. I threw out all my research, books, and anything else related to Gender Identity Disorder. I also stopped seeing Dr. C, which I now know was a mistake as this just doesn’t go away or diminish.

Last April, I was at wits end, so to speak. So, I started seeing Dr. C again as things have not gotten any better with regards to my GID. I am looking for answers but this was not something that G was willing to help with. I do not blame her, and nor should you, as it is obvious I am not the “man” for her.

I do believe I have had a wonderful and very fortunate Life, filled with excitement and loving friends, family and, until recently, a meaningful job. But, I consider myself to be a loser, a loser because I haven’t been able to “beat” this condition. I have always had a great deal of confidence that I could do anything. I have a B.S. in Physics, I have held a commission in the U.S. Navy and I have the highest license a pilot can get. However, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot solve this problem on my own. So, with Dr. C’s help and hopefully the love and understanding of you my family, I am on a path to discover “what I must do” to keep my sanity.

I know that you must have a lot of questions and you may not know how to feel about this news. I suggest you take some time, as much as you need. When you are ready, I am available to answer your questions to the best of my ability and to discuss how we go on from here.

With love,

I have removed my ex-wife's name to protect her. As for my therapist's name, well, any amount of research will produce that information. I hope this helps even just one other transgender on this forum.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you very much, Karen, for your post. It is a lovely and heartfelt letter, and you obviously put a lot of thought into it.

There were a couple of places where you missed removing your wife's name, and I've edited those out.

Please let us know if you've sent the letter and what your family's response was. Also, if you would like, I welcome you to post something about yourself in the Introductions Forum.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest MelissaC]

If anybody cares to see it, this is my recently delivered letter to my parents. I drew heavy inspiration from other letters in this topic while I was writing it:

Mom and Dad;

This is something I’ve been wanting to tell you guys for a long time, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t think I’m going to be able to say it face-to-face or even on the phone, and in fact even writing this is really tough, so please bear with me.

What I’m going to tell you is something that’s hard to explain, so I’m sorry, because what I say here is probably going to be confusing. It’s also something that a lot of people find hard to accept, although more than anybody else I really hope you two will be okay with it. So here goes:

I feel that on the inside, I’m female.

Please know that this isn’t anybody’s fault. It’s not because of how I was raised or any of the environments I’ve lived in or anything like that; it’s just how I am. It took me a long time to accept that, but I think that’s because I was young and didn’t really understand this myself. I still don’t fully understand everything to be honest, but I’m working on it.

As I’ve said, this is something that’s really hard for me. I’ve tried just being a guy though, and that’s even harder for me, I really feel like I won’t be able to handle living a lie for my whole life. I know that this isn’t just hard for me though. I’ve already told most of my close friends, and I’ve also talked about this with ______, the principal of [my college]. I was really lucky that nobody took it badly and that everyone still accepts me, but it is a hard change to adjust to and I can see that even in them. If it’s hard for them though, I know it must be infinitely tougher on you two, since we’re family. I honestly can’t even imagine what’s going to be going through your minds after reading this, so I’m hoping for the best.

I’m scared of what your reaction is going to be. I know I shouldn’t be because I love you guys so much and I do trust you, but even still I’m scared. That’s part of why I told you in writing like this, because I don’t want to be there for your initial reaction. I don’t think I can handle the initial reaction. But please don’t think I’m hiding by not speaking to you directly. I want to talk to you guys about this; I know it’s going to be a big discussion. There are a lot of questions that I guess you’re going to want to ask and I want to try to answer them. I just don’t want to do it until you’ve had at least a little bit of time to let this sink in yourself first.

I chose the name Melissa for myself, and Anne for a middle name, after you mom. I hope that’s okay. I’ve been working on that name for years now, and I feel I’ve finally gotten it just right.

I really hope that you guys can still love me as a daughter. I understand if you don’t, but I still really hope you do. I love you both so much and I don’t want to lose anybody just because of who I am, especially not my parents.

…I don’t know what else to say at this point, I think there’s not much else I can say until we talk in person.

I love you mom. I love you dad.

--Melissa

[Guest Lauren S]

This is to my friend:

Dear friend,

I've been meaning to tell you something for a very long time, but I have been putting it off. I have held this inside since before you even know me, not because I don't trust that you will always be there for me, but because it is a very difficult thing to discuss.

I am not gay. I am a transsexual. This means that I feel that the body assigned to me at birth doesn't match my mind. Inside, I feel like a girl, just like you. This is why (if you've noticed) I flinch when you refer to me as, "your gay best friend," or imply any other masculine thing.

I am in the process of changing my outside to match my inside. I have started hormone blockers so that I will not develop any more masculine features, and I am in the process of going through speech therapy to change the way I talk.

Pretending to be someone I'm not has caused a lot of conflict in my life and I no longer want to feel like a depressed shell of a person. I plan to live my life as my true self after this year, and that is why I am going to home school for a year or two so I can adjust to my proper gender-role.

I hope you know that I will still be me, and you will still be my best friend. I know that you love me and I feel that you will be able to come to terms with this. I will be happy to answer any questions you have and I hope that our friendship will remain as strong as ever.

Love,

your best friend

[Guest MissSiul]

Here is mine:

"The reason why I'm so depressed it is more complicated then you thought(or maybe you did).

Since I was young I felt that there were something different about me,because I always imagined myself different from what I was and still am.When I look in the mirror I see something different,it should be a girl(I have Gender Identity Disorder,I'm transsexual).I always identified myself with girls ou female characters,I even waited to see on the news that some girls were born physically male,and that I had it;I would pray before spleep(when I believed in God) to wake up as a girl in the next morning,but it never happened.I started to think that I was gay and that was normal to want to be a girl,and tried to contend myself with being a girl in my imagination,but when puberty came I realized that it wasn't enough,because my body would change and it would become much more distant of what it should be.The voice bothers me,and even pretending that I hated when people thought that I was a girl on the phone before,I always liked it.I believe that you guys must have some misconceptions about what is a transexual and how it works,so I printed those 2 pages about it,and I hope it would answer some of your questions about it.

I wrote this letter because I didn't know how to start this conversation.I even wrote a e-mail before but I think it was to impersonal.Remember that I still am and going to be the same person,but with the treatment I'm going to be myself,but more confident and happier then now,and also remember that I love you guys and I hope you love me besides everything like you always shown me."

Then I put the name and phone of and therapist that is on a list of therapists that I found that work with transexual in my city.In Portuguese more words have gender if compared to English,so I avoided words with gender as I could,but the ones with it I used male to not sound weird to my parents.

So,this is my coming out letter,I just hope that I will be able to let it in someplace that they can read...

[~Nova~]

I just sent this to my company.

Hello Everyone,

Well, the cat is out of the bag and everyone is aware of my "issue", Gender Dysphoria / Transsexual. I have fought this my entire life, and over the years learned how to hide it remarkably well from everyone. I know that some of you have questions, some don't. Some of you will accept me as I am, some won't. I understand those statements on many levels having lived through them. I have seen the worst in humans and the best in humans in the last few months.

Outside the office I live as female and because of that I have been forced to make changes that I wanted to wait to do. One of those things is my name. I have chosen: BLOCKED. I have submitted the paperwork with the courts and within a week or two my name will legally be Nova. I would appreciate it if you would try and use that name. Because the name change will be legal, everything will change to that name. Packages, mail, payroll, 401K, professional licenses. I understand that its not easy, and that you have known me as Sheldon for years and I can't expect you to switch it like a light bulb, but I do ask that you try. I have also changed my gender and I am legally female. I would appreciate it if you would address me with proper pronouns. She/her. Again, I understand the difficulty, but again ask you to be civil and courteous.

Now on to the hard part. The patients. Undoubtedly you have or will be asked about me. I get "you changed" at least 10 times a day. "What's with his name", "You look different", "Is his name out of the closet?" I'm sure you have heard others and will hear others. I will leave it up to you to decide how much info you want to give them. I'm not hiding anything and if they ask, they should know. "She's transsexual." "Please ask her." "I hadn't noticed any change." are all fine answers. I am very sorry that you will get these questions, and I'm sorry if they make you feel uncomfortable. You are not obligated to give them any answers and "I don't know" is more than acceptable. Again, I'm very sorry that any of you are "caught up" in my issues.

I am attaching some information on Transsexualism and Gender Dysphoria. Please look through them. I'm not asking any of you to be experts on it, I live it and still don't understand some of it. Please ask questions. Part of my ongoing therapy is to be open and honest. How can I move on if I continue to hide? I can't.

Lastly, work and dress. I personally would like to be me. I want to stop having a double life and just live as Nova, however, I understand the implications of me showing up to work "dressed" and I will continue to dress, male? However, that is quickly becoming an issue. When and if I am able to come to work as Nova, you all will be given ample time and will know when/if the change will happen.

I would like to thank the "Fab Four" for their support and love over the last few months. I would not have made it if it weren't for the shoulders I held onto for dear life. Thank you girls, I love you!

Autumn

[Guest Talon]

These are my letters to my parents and my older brother, respectively. I know it's a while since you posted this topic but I hope they can help/inspire you a bit. Guess I should've posted them in the Coming Out forum rather than the FtM forum in the first place. Good luck with everything!!

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/Index.php?showtopic=37803&hl=&fromsearch=1

[Guest Nikki_R]

This is a successful letter that I just gave to my parents today. Yesterday I told my brother and he was totally accepting. I asked him to be there when I sent the email to them. He said he could do better than that and printed two copies and took this letter to them. The response was overwhelming acceptance. I know there may be factual errors, but I was after emotional connection not factual connection. I may be a scientist, but my parent's have no desire to be.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I hope this meets you in good spirits and that things are going smoothly for you both. You both worked hard in life and deserve to have a healthy and relaxing set of retirement years. Please let me know if either of you ever need help. I will fly across the planet at a moments notice to help you, I promise.

I'm writing to tell you something. I wish from the bottom of my heart that this doesn't hurt you. I have chosen to write it instead of speak it to you, because frankly I write better than I speak. If ever there was a time I wanted to be clear about what I was saying and completely understood - it is now.

I want to tell you that I love you both. I love you eternally and unconditionally. If you reject me because of what I'm about to say, then I will love you no differently and feel only deep sorrow that I have brought pain upon you, by simply existing in my natural state. You gave to me life and I am eternally grateful.

So without waiting further here it is:

I literally have a girl's brain and boy's body, Mom and Dad. It causes me terrible pain. Pain so powerful that death has always seemed like a better option than enduring this. To cope with this, I have been a drug addict all my life, and resorted to outlandish alpha male behaviors to try and correct it. I don't want to go on like this. It hurts, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. It has caused me pain everyday of my life. I just want a normal life. To wake up and feel okay in my body and not have my mind under constant attack. Accepting me for who I am puts me at a crossroads. I see death or change, there is no more middle ground of enduring this for me anymore. I chose change and life, and I really hope you can accept me for picking this option.

The term used to describe someone like me is transsexual. Which literally means the neurological sex is opposite the physical sex. The mind has a sex. Most people are not aware of this because most people have the same sex for both mind and body. Scientists have a very good idea of when and where this happens in pre-natal development. It is not a mental problem. It is not a fetish. It is the way I was made physically. It is one possible way of a human being made, albeit a rare one.

Now you're wondering what does this all mean? It means I need help and a lot of it. There is nothing you can do for me physically. But emotionally you can do a lot for me. Accepting me regardless of my natural state and loving me as your first born child is what I really need from you. More than ever, I need to hear you love me and accept me for who I am.

Unfortunately for me this is not very common. It is highly uncommon. It is along the odds of 1 out of 30,000 humans are born like me. You have a higher chance of being a victim of a shark attack. You have a higher chance of being struck by lighting.

Mother Nature is complex. That is an easy thing to take for granted. Humans tend to create “mental structures” to try and deal with complexity. Currently as a mathematician and soon to be physicist this is my career to do this, yet it has its unavoidable flaws. Flaws which can not be undone because the best we could do is approximate to begin with. So there are things in nature that are outside of our nice and neat mental structures that we conveniently label to make life easier for us.

In regards to mental structures created by humans to deal with things, we tend to go along with majorities. Especially majorities that simplify things even if they are at the cost of ignoring some more complex details that exist. I'm writing this to say that I'm outside the majority, in a vary rare aspect of humanity.

This newly accepted knowledge of myself has lead me to do the obvious thing I would do. I have read all kinds of science and medical findings and research done on my kind. I have brought myself up to date on my own reality. I have found a community and support for me to come to terms with this.

Science has a good idea of what happens to create someone like me. There is no consensus as to why or what the leading conditions must be prior to it, but we do know what happened and the consequences. There are resources online, if you wish, that I can give you to learn more about this.

I have a different state than most people. Some people label it a natural variation of being human. Some people think of it as a birth defect. Some people think of it as a medical condition. For me I tend to lean towards medical condition/ birth defect. The reason being it has caused me tremendous pain in my life. At times, it was very unbearable pain.

In regards to how society treats us, it is truly unfortunate in these times, to be born in this state. Close to 31% with my condition have successfully committed suicide by age of 20, and 50% have tried by the age of 20. We're are the most successful suicide group in existence.

I won't lie to you. More than you know, and starting younger than you know I have had to grapple with thoughts and close calls with suicide. My original reason for joining the Navy wanting to be a Seal was a death wish. My first attempt at suicide was at 11. There have been many others. It is the reason I became a drug addict. I started doing drugs at 12 to try and cope with everything I was feeling. I never told you. I'm very sorry.

You probably want to know what I am going to do. I am already a female in my mind and I always have been. All my life, I have tried to change this and come to terms with it. It is not changeable. Nor would I actually want to change it now, because this is me. With that said I need to end the pain. I need to become me physically. And that me is a girl. Thankfully medicine and science are very powerful, and I can fully transition my body into a female body. You might be wondering how that is possible, and if you accept me after telling you this then we can talk about it. But truly, because my mind is female, it won't be long until I have the body of a female.

You probably want to know about my sexual orientation. You might think these issues are linked, but they are not. They are entirely separate. My sexual orientation is towards females. It always has been, and it always will be. Not that there is anything wrong with homosexuality, because when I'm fully done transitioning, then you will see that I have been/felt that way all along for being and wanting to be in relationships with women.

So in a couple of years, when I walk down the street, no one will know the difference between me and a girl born without this condition. Really, the only difference between me and them is that I had a difficult hand of cards to play. I am just as female as any female.

You're probably wondering how <wife> is taking it. <wife> totally accepts it and me. <brother> knows too. He is there today to help you if this is hard on you. He totally accepts and supports me. <wife's> family also knows, and they totally accept me too. All of them have said they will be by my side, as I start to go through my transition into my real self. It is a wonderful blessing, to have them in my life. Not only do I have their support, some of my very closest friends know and they, too, totally support me. So far, I have been very lucky with people I have come out to.

Your acceptance means so much to me. You are my parents and I love you so much. So I have waited to tell you, because it is my heart's desire to have you accept me. I don't want to lose you because of my biology that I can't change. Telling you is the hardest of all of my coming outs. I really, really want you to accept me and love me.

Before, I wrote you guys a much longer letter. But I have decided to rewrite this and err on the side of brevity. If you would like to read the older letter, I would send it to you. This letter has more accurate scientific information though. In this letter I won't include the details of my future because you're probably already overloaded and not wanting anymore news. There are some details you should probably know.

I go by my childhood nickname Nicky now, but spelled Nikki. The doctors sometime over the next year will have me change my gender on my birth certificate and drivers license and ask me to pick a female name. I will either pick Nicole <edited> <edited> or Nicole <edited> <edited>. Which one do you guys like more? When I was much younger, I was more connected to myself, and during that time, I went by Nicky. So it seems only fitting I go by Nikki now.

<wife> and I are moving to San Fransisco next May, after I graduate. San Fransisco is the best place in the world to be for me, right now. When I leave from San Fransisco, people won't know that I am transsexual, unless I tell them. I will finally be me, the mental agony will be over, and I'll just be a normal girl.

Mom, Dad, I have always been your daughter, but my birth defect is so tormenting that you never knew. Please accept me as the daughter that I have always been. Like any child, especially any child who is far out of the norm in society, I just want you to love me and accept me for who I really am. So please be proud of me and love me. Now that I have this solved, I am just getting started in life. There is one question I have for you, “Do you still love me and accept me regardless that I am a transsexual female?” Please feel free to call me, when you are ready to talk.

I love you both!!!

Nikki

[Guest Talon]

I think you wrote an amazing letter, honestly. You are so clear and explain yourself thoroughly. You reassure them a lot and tell them about it in a calm and loving manner. I'm really impressed with your letter

I am so happy the people around you are accepting!!!!!

Talon.

[Guest Jamiexo]

Hi so i am working on my coming out letter. and i want it to be perfect i want to get a little feed back from you guys . like little hints or something.. here is the first part of it. i do have quite a bit more but this first part is what i want to share.

If you just opened this you are about to learn the secret I have been holding in since I could remember. I cannot hold this inside of me any longer. This may come as a shock but hopefully it won’t. I have been born with gender identity disorder, or transgender, which means my body doesn’t match my mind. This is hard for most people to understand because most people’s minds match their brain. And mine doesn’t. this is a real thing. People act as if it’s a birth defect, which I truly believe it is myself. I do not blame you, me, or anybody for this birth defect, it just happens..

What I want for you to understand most is that this is not a phase, believe me I thought it could be until it never stopped. I’ve endured this pain of being in the wrong body my whole life, ever since my first memory. I have been hiding, by acting and trying to fit in. trying to be normal so people wouldn’t know. Because it’s a scary thing to admit to your self that your transgender let alone tell other people, that’s why it has taken me so long to come out.

I want for you to understand it’s more than just wanting to be a girl; it’s not a choice, its much deeper, it’s more like I need to be a girl. People say imagine being whom you are now then all of a sudden waking up in the opposite sex’s body. Scary huh. That’s how I feel, I should not be in the body I am in now and I really hope you understand that, please keep an open mind. It’s a birth defect nobody can change it.

the middle blah blah blah and then the last part of it

What I wish though is for your true acceptance. I know it will be tough to accept at first but remember I am still your child, I hope you love me enough to accept me and care about my real problems rather than ignoring it and worrying what other people will say. Because people will say blind things and will not understand. But I have accepted these blind comments even if they are from friends and I hope you will too. And if you don’t I will still love you guys.. I am going to try my best to help you guys understand. And I really hope you along with the rest of the fam understands. Because this next year will be really tough on me and I will probably not have anyone to fall back on but you guys… I really don’t want to do this alone; things could end up really bad if so, although I will be doing this transition either way. I will be changing my external self but my internal self will be the same old me.. Which I hope you will see.. I just want you guys to understand that you are not loosing you’re child, you’re gaining a stronger and better child. Who will be finally be happy..

I do not want you guys to ignore this, this is real. I am deeply depressed and have been for so long, I am so scared, but its time to not to be scared, because I actually want to go on with the rest of my life being happy and as the real me.