Coming Out Letters

[Zooey]

I have only come out to one person. My wife. And she accepted me with open arms. Our relationship has been exciting and fun ever since. She is a truly remarkable person and I can't believe I'm allowed to be myself now (at least in my own home). I wrote this letter to her months before finally sending it to her. I sent it to her on Facebook one night just before she came home from work. She responded immediately with an incredibly encouraging short response. Just an "OK, so you're female. I don't care. Don't be scared. We'll talk when I get home."

I'm now able to dress how I like and wear my breast forms around the house. She calls me by my real name and refers to me as her wife. I believe she finds it exciting as well. Our relationship has never been better. I'm glad I told her now instead of wasting more time. We all deserve the type of love and understanding she has shown me since I came out. I love her so much. 

Anyway, here's the letter I sent:

 

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"[Name Redacted],

 

I wanted to have this conversation in person but it doesn’t seem likely in the immediate future. And I’m afraid if I don’t say something now I’ll chicken out again and continue feeling even more isolated and lonely. We don’t have to discuss it in person until you’re off next week. But I wanted you to read this now so you could carefully consider what it means to you and how you wish to respond. 

 

Please read this very, very carefully and then read it again. I love you. Nothing changes. This is a simple explanation. What I’m about to tell you has been true since I was a kid and you deserve to know all of me. I trust you completely. I love you unconditionally. I could have easily kept this from you forever but I want to be free. I want us to be true partners. And when you said the other day you often dream of having sex with women I thought there may be a connection between your dreams and what I’m about to say.

 

I know you must have had questions over the years about my interest in the concept of body swapping, to choose the body you present to the world. You have probably wondered about some of my other interests along those lines or had questions about some of my actions. And I feel there is something you should know.  

 

Put simply, I am female. I am an actual lesbian. Not a straight man who likes women but a woman in a man’s body who likes women. I know that sounds outrageous and I hope you’re not disappointed. But it’s true. I’m not meant to have this body. I hate everything about the male form and I'm horrified every day that I look like them. I hate that I’m expected to act like them and dress like them. It has broken my heart nearly every day as far back as I remember. It isn’t fair. I am not one of them. I am a woman. I don’t know how this happened but I am a female. I have always been a female. I am only forced to live in this body. And I’m telling you, it’s torture. My whole life. Sometimes it’s more than I can bear.

 

This is why I prefer a female persona online and when playing games. It’s comforting whenever people see me for who I am. This is the only place I feel I can pass as my actual self. Thank you for never judging me for using female names and playing as female characters. I’ve always felt comfortable in that aspect around you and for that you’re absolutely amazing. Sincerely. 

 

I have accepted over time that I can still be me in this body. I have realized if I didn't have this body, I could not have pursued and eventually married you. You are the love of my life and I'm not sure you would have been with me if we’d met as two women. If I had to be a man to be with you and have our own biological child, then for that I'm thankful. Truly. 

 

But I have always been female. I’m sorry if this makes things weird. But I’m just in this body. While it’s hard from time to time, I’ve learned to live as myself in this body. I don’t believe I'll ever have to declare it for the world. It's enough that I know who I am. But I at least wanted you to know because keeping this from you is exhausting. You should know everything about me. You deserve to know. And I don’t want you to treat me any differently now that you know. Nothing changes. I just thought you deserved an explanation. 

 

And remember. We are not our bodies. You fell in love with my spirit. That spirit has not changed. I am still me. The same me you’ve always known. I love you more than I love myself. Otherwise I would have kept this from you forever. 

 

Please accept me for who I am. I love you and am overwhelmingly attracted to you. You are the love of my life. I want nothing to change. And I hope this changes nothing. I just wanted you to see me, if you haven’t already. I am your wife. I love you. Please understand. Please. "

[Jazz-per]

I'm not out yet and don't plan on being out until October (earliest) or March (latest) barring any unforeseen events. This is the message I'm currently planning on giving my parents:

 

 

Dear mom and dad,

 

     There’s something important I need to tell you that I’ve known for over a year now and just wasn’t really sure how to tell you. I have done research, prayed, and soul searched before coming to this conclusion and making a decision I feel is best for me and my mental safety. To stop beating around the bush I’m trans. I would appreciate it if you would use he/him pronouns for me (they/them is cool too, but he/him is preferred) and I’m trying out the name Torrence (Torren).

 

I imagine you’ll need a moment to process that and encourage you to take it before reading the next part which will mostly be my feelings, research, and what this means for my future. Please take time to process anything. I’m out so as to give you the time and space you may need for this and should you need a few days I have some friends who I can stay with should that be what you need.

 

For as far back as I can remember I‘ve had a persistent brain track that went something along the lines of: I should’ve been born a boy. Maybe I was born a boy and my parents magically had me turned into a girl. To be completely honest I thought everyone had them and felt weird about asking about it so I kind of just ignored it.

 

I didn’t even know the word transgender until 8th grade when Phoenix came out. Before that I remember wanting to bind down my chest with a scarf to look more masculine. Feeling extremely happy (euphoria) when I was referenced to in a masculine way and an intense desire to be perceived in a masculine way which came across in my „tomboy“ phase of life. This then led into a hyper feminine one after I learned what trans was and wasn’t prepared to face that part of me. This led to me getting into the retro dresses and makeup which I still love, but they caused me distress to wear and know how I was being perceived.

 

I remember having to watch Nikki go through puberty and being objectively horrified that my body would do that too... that my body would betray me by becoming so feminine and curving... boobs in particular caused me abject terror and I remember the distress that came when my did grow in.

 

What this all entails for my future is simply that I would like to go and see a gender therapist and then (with their recommendation) go to an endocrinologist and receive a T prescription in a gel format. I have researched this out in detail and the main changes that usually happen are: muscle/fat redistribution, voice deepening, facial hair, and hair loss. All of these are only potential though and not all guaranteed. Hair loss happens at the normal age it would happen for a cisgender male.

 

After that I would like to look into getting top surgery. This surgery is incredibly safe and done in a host of ways. It’s purpose is simply to give a flat chest. It’s a much safer alternative to bonding my whole life since binding can cause about the same damage as wearing a corset your whole life.

 

Binding (as mentioned in the previous paragraph) is also something I would like to do. Binding is done through compression tank tops that give the wearer a flat chest. They are safe so long as you follow the guidelines fully. They are to be worn no longer than 8-10 hours, not to be slept in, not for exercise, etc. I am fully aware of these things and will bind safely.

 

Please be aware this is something I have prayed about and continue to pray about. It’s been very difficult for me... it wasn’t an easy realization and I know I have to do what’s best for my mental health and safety which is transitioning. Staying as a girl would put me in danger and I can’t live like that. I hope you can understand and respect my decision even though you may not accept it. This is something I’ve deliberated for a very long time so at least know it wasn’t something that was rushed into.

 

I still love you and am the same crazy kid I’ve always been.

 

With love, your son,

 

Torrence

 

[Kjiersten]

Here is a coming out letter I wrote to post on my page(s) on FB. Be advised it's a bit loing-winded (Me Mum said I shopulda been a preacher.) c&P anmything you need, you can use it without citation.

I saved it in Word. so forgive any formatting issues. I will edit those out if/how I can B4 I hit the firing button.    <Kj>

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G’day, all. Most of you have seen many of my posts which would be “funny. Keith,” --ever the Jolly joker, -- put up some funny ones. I’ve put up some strange quotations. I put up some politicals that I had copied and pasted from other people of similar like. But today is something completely different. Be advised, the “Stray Caps” are not editing mistakes, they are here for emphasis.

I am   the me you have always known. I still have my wry, dry, sometimes sarcastic sense of humor, I still have my “pet issues” such as bullying, child abuse, kiddie-diddlers etc. I am still a bit conservative. Some things will never change.

But, today, I am writing this post of a serious nature, of something that I Must get off my chest. It is something that has been affecting me all my life and I need to deal with it; not now … but YESTERDAY!!

Now, I am writing is to bring it all to all your attentions so that we know with what I am struggling.

Have a read on this article in its entirety before you make any decisions so we can perhaps discuss these issues later. Thank you and off we go.

You have all known me as Keith. I’m 73 and I am now reintroducing myself as Kjiersten, (pronounced SHEERsten) and I have Gender Dysphoria. Dysphoria is “feelings of sadness or depression or unhappiness.” Hence, gender dysphoria is a depression from the fact your perception of your gender – your sense of self – is misaligned with the physical presentation of your body. A person Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB) is at total odds that his presentation of his identity being not aligned with his male body characteristics. In Female Assigned At Birth (AFAB) it is similar but opposite.

Many times, this issue can be raised at an early age in childhood, while in others, the onset of this dysphoria can show up as a “later in life” onset. Mine was an early onset, in that I began questioning about age 7 or 8 or so. In my early life, and, in my exceedingly strict upbringing, where everything I thought did or said was considered !!SENful!!” (pronounced as written, at the at the top of your voice,) I had absolutely no choice or action I could have taken...EVer!

What is the one thing so, my issue is my gender identity not sexual identity. Gender is your sense of self. It is who you are. It is what is between your ears. Your sex is between your legs. Sexual preference is who you want to be with – in your heart. That is180 degrees diametrically opposed to your gender identity. I am not gay. I never have been gay. Nor will I ever be gay. Let us get that right clear, right now before any questions are asked.

If I ever had thoughts or even leanings in that direction, having been raped, tortured and sodomized with a stick by a predatory homosexual guy in my high school, four years my senior put paid to that right straight away. It was not until I got well out of the Air Force, I got that tear surgically repaired.

This is the way it is. It is my gender identity. THAT is my issue. End of Message.

I am now struggling with serious issues that have dogged me for all my life with NO kind of Support and NEVER ANY Assets. I have, several times, contemplated and even Acted on suicide over this. Why have I waited so long to do this? Simple. I have lived in FEAR (-expletive- Everything And RUN!) I can no longer run from it, repress it; push it down; suppress it. Call it whatever you will. This is a Nasty, Vicious beast that I have not been able to outrun.

Well, my days of running have Stopped! The only way to fly is to turn Into The Wind. Well, I am turning into the wind to take off and I am starting to make a major change of my life as I begin to change my gender. To those of you who are local and have seen me around, you may have noticed small changes; and, gradual though they are, they will become more and more visible as time goes on. I have begun to take medications to treat this issue. There will be more and more pronounced visible changes arising from these medications. What those medications are is between my doctor, my pharmacist and myself. As I have begun to make advancements in my social transition, as of this year, I have and will begin to increase my feminine presence, to “push the throttles up,” as it were.

I know many folks will have Severe philosophical disparities with my decision and, by extension, what I am doing about it. I know I will lose friends. This is a fact of life in this transition. I am ready for that. Given what I have gone through and what I will go through. And that, not necessarily for this reason, I am very experienced with that and ready to accept it. I am sorry you feel as you do, and I will understand why and how you do.

If you have any intelligent, well thought out questions, directed toward this issue, I will be more than happy to answer them. If I cannot answer them directly, I will look them up in the medical or psychological literature so that I can answer them for you in a good time. Please feel free to ask the questions. If the questions are transphobic or misogynistic, I shall treat them with the contempt that they so richly deserve and will promptly delete them.

 

You can delete me; remove-unfriend me; block me if you like I do not care. I am used to it I've “Been There Done That” way too many times.

 

You may shred me all you want if that is your inclination. I have heard it all too much --so much more than anyone would want to imagine. The abuses I have heard would make a Drill Instructor blush; hence I have inured myself to all the noise. So, in a word, do not waste your breath. I do not care. This is My life! I will fix it the way I can -- the best I can -- for Me to be Happy in Me.

Thank you very much. Kjiersten  <Kj>

[Spaziod]

I'm not sure how to explain it but being new to learning all this being able to see other feelings put into words like this is comforting and help relate to the feeling of how others see their own lives...hope that makes sense 

[Colleen Henderson]

Here's a coming out letter I wrote but never used. All of my revelations to others have been face-to-face.

 

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“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

~ Elizabeth Appell

 

 

Risk. That’s the right word.

 

Take one path, and I risk losing family members and friends. On the other, I risk losing my mind.

 

I can burden others with knowledge they would rather not have. Or, I can die knowing that I hid the truth from some of those closest to me.

 

As a person who is stoic by nature, I find it easy to deny myself for the sake of others. And, I can keep a secret when I know its revelation would benefit only me.

 

I did not know this day would come.

 

For many years, I have fooled others and even myself. I learned a role and played it well, if somewhat imperfectly. My true nature was hidden, and I planned never to reveal it. I was in control, I was strong, and I would decide how the balance of my life would be lived. The cost of doing otherwise was simply too great.

 

But the matter was not settled. I could not wish it away. Will power did not work. Professional help could not alter the truth. And commonly-prescribed medications were useless.

 

The mental agitation was something to which I became accustomed over the years. It ebbed and flowed, often leading me to believe that I had it under control. But each time, it returned a little stronger. In my extensive research of the subject, I’ve learned that my experience is typical.

 

It is at this point that you will be expected to suspend disbelief. To accept what I’m going to tell you means discarding much of what you know of me and much of what you think is the truth. I want you to remember that I’m intelligent, not given to flights of fancy, not easily fooled and certainly not a person who does things to seek attention. If I were not certain that my own sanity is at stake, I would take this to the grave without involving you. Most people have no reason to know the meaning of the term “gender dysphoria”. I wish I were among them. I am not, because I have lived with the condition all my life. I didn’t choose it, I didn’t want it, and I would not recommend it. Simply stated, my mentally-perceived gender does not match that of my body. There are many ways of dealing with that disconnect, but I have learned from painful experience that ignoring it is not a viable option.

 

I can describe the feeling in simple terms. I am two people. One is the socially-adapted male construct you see, who is constantly attempting to deny the female. The other is the female, who is demanding with growing urgency to exist. The battle becomes more intense with age. If not resolved, it leads invariably to depression and, in all too many cases, suicide.

 

I think you know me well enough that you don’t suspect me of making all this up. However, let’s go down that road for a moment. There are those whose knee jerk reaction would be that I have chosen a “lifestyle” or made a “choice” or am “sinning”. I would ask them what exactly they think is attractive about this. The sole positive aspect is the alternative of finally living as one’s true self, but that can result in loss of relationships, inability to find a job, ridicule, physical harm and possibly death. And yet I go on, because I must.

 

I’ve made adjustments over the years as I felt they were necessary. The last one was when I finally accepted that I am an estrogen-based person upon whom testosterone has a negative effect. That calmed my mind at last. So many of life’s challenges had been made to seem insurmountable by the effects of that chemical imbalance. Now, it all became manageable. It was easy to think I had reached a final plateau – one on which I would remain for the rest of my existence. And that was good, because the next logical step was not one I wanted to contemplate.

 

Why couldn’t the story have ended here? I think I’d have been able to hold on. Living two lives is difficult, and it’s dishonest, but it’s the lesser of two evils. Sadly, though, there were more surprises ahead.

 

As a direct result of this issue not having been resolved, I recently descended into the worst depression of my life. I had thoughts that frightened me, and I got help. My many years of intense study of gender identity issues has made me more knowledgeable on the subject than most doctors I’m likely to meet. But that doesn’t mean I’m able to manage the symptoms on my own.

 

I’ve come to realize that I’ve lived my life almost entirely for the greater good. My decisions are based upon that concept. In and of itself, that’s not necessarily a bad philosophy. When it results in denying the very essence of one’s being, though, the effects can be devastating. As much as I might like to do so for the sake of the people in my life, I can’t ignore what my mind is telling me it needs.

 

This is a turning point, for me and for you. I have embarked on a journey to cast off those self-imposed restraints that are based solely upon what others might think. I’m going to give myself the freedom to be me – one which most people take for granted. I am taking the risk of collateral damage, for the sake of preserving my own mental health. Yes. . .for once in my life, I’m being selfish.

 

I have no right to demand that a person react to this revelation in a certain way. I respect everyone’s right to make a decision in accordance with his or her level of comfort, religious beliefs or even mindless bias. I cannot control any of that. All I can offer in response is the fact that this new and startling information merely sheds more light on what has made me the person you already know.

 

There are myriad details, of course, that I think are best left for later. You may want to hear nothing more of it, and I will understand, if that is the case. And, if I can say this without sounding arrogant, there’s no argument here. Having lived with and focused upon my condition for as long as I have, I can assure you that a “cure” does not exist. If there were one, I would gladly have taken advantage of it.

 

It would be far easier to continue pretending. But I simply cannot do so. I wish I could, for your sake and for mine...because this process is certainly not fun, and it’s fraught with peril.

[Trans22]

I elected to come out face to face, where possible - at work first.  I've given so many presentations/speeches that I didn't prepare at all, so I cannot remember the words I used.  I told people about the circumstances of my discovery and then went on to try and justify myself to them by explaining how I slowly went from existing to living and that I only saw one option going forward and that was to live authentically.  My subsequent conversations went along similar lines, always trying to convince people that being transgender wasn't a choice and then explaining why I saw only one way forward.

[JL]

Here is a letter that I'm planning to send to my mom and brother in the next few weeks.  I'm MtF, 53, overweight, started therapy 6 months ago and HRT 3 months ago.  My mother is fairly conservative and controlling.   

 

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I’m writing because I want to share something which I feel unable to express in person.  I feel anxious about how you may react.  I expect you to deny it and tell me I’m wrong.  I don’t want any confrontation and this is not intended to be an assault on anyone…  I’m not wrong.  This is me expressing how I feel, felt, and how I remember and experienced things in my life.  You are entitled to agree, disagree, and have your own perspectives.  My feelings are not open for debate.  This is informative…  

I feel like my childhood was an age of don’t ask, don’t tell.  Don’t ask a woman her weight or age.  Don’t discuss money.  Don’t discuss sex.  Don’t discuss problems…   Do what you’re supposed to do.  Be manly.  Play sports.  Go to college.  Date women…  Dad drank and mom reacted to dad.  And they both argued.  They argued a lot about directions and getting lost.  With all the moving and travel and arguing, I had a lot of anxiety about being left behind or forgotten.  And then mom did forget me…  I never feared for my physical safety.  Other than the time I stabbed [brother] with the scissors.  And, I never worried where my next meal was going to come from.  But I did feel like there were some things that were not safe to talk about.   So, I didn’t.  I repressed.  I remember flying home for Christmas ’82 and realizing that I wasn’t excited about seeing family.  I didn’t care.  I was stoic.   

I coped the best I could.  I had my first cigarette about a month into the 4^th grade.  The kids that spoke English smoked and said that if I wanted to hang out with them that I had to smoke too.  [friend] and I started smoking pot together in the 6^th grade.  Alcohol was a regular thing too.  Getting suspended in High School was the result of my idea to bring beer to the track meet.  I went to college, after high school, because it was expected, not because I was ready.  Getting a 0.68 GPA at [university] was mostly beer and pot 6-7 days a week.  I actually had a class that I forgot I was enrolled in.  I eventually married an addict-alcoholic because it was familiar.  I wasn’t ever addicted to drugs or alcohol.  I was emotionally addicted to food.  But I used them all to either feel or not feel.  I don’t think you saw much of this, and I tried to keep it from you.  But this was me behind the scenes.  I was struggling with something and I didn’t feel like I could talk about it. 

Since my divorce, I’ve been trying to do things and live in a manner that makes me happy.  Embracing the Stay-cation, hosting game days, dating.  Oddly, several of my recent relationship have ended because women have accused me of existing or living on auto pilot; being vacant and not emotionally present.  One even called me the adult child of an alcoholic.  I’ve tried to focus more on me.  What do I want?  So, I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while…  Originally because I wanted to investigate why all of my relationships have failed.  Why was I not emotionally investing.  Not loving and being honest with myself, questioning myself.  Not valuing my life.  I realized, and am accepting, something that I’d hidden from friends, therapists, counselors, family, and everyone.  Something I couldn’t talk about…  I always thought I was supposed to be a girl. 

I am a male-to-female transgender individual.  And then also a lesbian.  I want to live my life as a woman.  I Identify as female and I like women.  I’m a lesbian in a man’s body.  Ironically, [ex-wife] has heard me say this many times over the past 26 years, and everyone always laughed.  I used to think that perceiving myself as feminine or wanting to be female was a perversion.  It’s not.  I hid it.  I repressed it.  I’ve known for a very long time.  I’ve known ever since I was drawing boobs on stick figures in Sunday school; and being told that was bad and wrong.  I didn’t feel like it was ever safe to openly express it.  It wasn’t normal, accepted or expected.  When I told [son] and [ex-wife], she said that she would not have gotten there on her own, but now that I mention it, she’s seen it all along.  [son] asked if he needs to get two mother’s days presents from now on.

So, I’m transitioning.  I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) a few months ago and I’m planning to change lots of things, including my name.  I’ve always liked the name Jennifer.  [ex-wife] said that I should keep my middle name:  Jennifer Lawrence.  Jen and Jenny are acceptable too.  I won’t have to change my signature or monograms.  I will also be taking up the pronouns she/her. 

Yes, I’m getting help.  I am actually seeing two therapists.  Both are Licensed Clinical Social Workers.  One specializes in LGBTQ and trauma while the other is focused on bariatric issues.  I am working with doctors.  No, you may not have any of their names.   

I am working to establish new boundaries.  Part of why I asked mom to not come up for Christmas or back in August.  I am also in the process of removing mom as my medical power of attorney and emergency contact.  She overstepped with my cardiologist last spring.  I will be transferring that authority to [ex-wife] until [son] is older.

I’ve come out to lots of friends, all of my doctors, and I’ve spoken with my supervisor, the Equal Employment Opportunity office, the Employee Assistance office, and Human Resources at work.  I sent this letter to [mom] and [brother].  I figure that the two of you and might spread it through the family.  Please don’t try to influence them into calling me.  They can call me if they want to and you can feel free to discuss this with whomever you choose. 

Please send me a text so that I know that you’ve read this.  Just say you’ve read it.  No need to elaborate.  But I ask that you not call me for at least a week after you do.  Please take some time to process your thoughts and feelings.  I’d prefer to have a civil and mature conversation rather than fielding your raw reactions.  I ask that you do some research.  There are support groups for family members of transgender individuals.  I also recommend you talk with an LGBTQ experienced therapist:    

https://www.betterhelp.com/                    https://growtherapy.com/                    https://pflag.org/

Sincerely,

J.   

PS:  [son] is bisexual.  He told me 3 years ago.  When I asked him how his friends took it, he replied: “If they’re not OK with it, then they’re not my friends”. 

[VickySGV]

I would go over that letter with your therapist before you send it to your mother and see if the therapist can help you be sure it is what you really want to say under the circumstances you describe.  The therapist can help you take steps to creating the new self you are finding and how to create the best boundaries and high points from which you can live your desire in a way that invites your mother to share with you, but not to control you. I came from that sort of background myself, and know that while it is what is in your mind and just now your emotions, that you will not convince or sway over your mother from what I read there.  She will feel attacked and abandoned because she did what she did as being the "Best I can do for you"  when in fact she may have done the best she knew how, but that best was highly faulty and hurt much more than it helped.  I am a person who got a lot of good from Adult Children Of Alcoholics as well as AA itself.  As I started with, take this to your therapist and go over it carefully.  It does however sound complete and it has been cathartic for you to write it.  There may be no hope for a good relation in all of this, but you need to lean what your best can be.

[JL]

Thank you Vicky.  I do appreciate the feedback and concern.  I have already reviewed this letter with my therapist a few times.  This is me setting boundaries, taking a stand, and reclaiming control of my life.  I'm at the point where I don't want to loose the relationship with my mother, but if that's the cost of my being happy, then so be it.  If I'm going to have a relationship with my mother, It will be on my terms.  I know that she did her best.  That's explains my childhood.  I'm over 50 and she still treats me like I'm 12.  She doesn't need to do her best to control my life today.  This is me declaring my independence.  I should have done it 35 years ago.   My therapist has also described my mother as toxic and Narcissistic (based on my description and perspective) and feels that it is best to take a strong, clear, and unyielding posture.  I'm OK if she gets offended.  At least then, I'll know she heard me.  If I tell her that I still want to maintain a relationship with her, she'll ask "then why are you doing the to me".  This isn't about her.  It's about my actions and my feelings.  I'm trying to not give her an opening on purpose.  I'll get off my soap box now.  This has been eating at me for decades.  ❤️ 

[Timi]

@JL Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best!

 

-Timi

[VickySGV]

@JLYou have answered my only concerns👍👍.  I am the parent of a 50 year old child, and I have had to set some boundaries from that direction so I am aware of what happens both ways. Best of luck and healing for you and hopefully in time for your parent.