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Coming Out Letters

Guest KimberlyF

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Astrosmurf

I wrote this one to my mother after a difficult childhood and years of denial and trouble. I'm in a better place now. The truth will set us free. Peace all :)

"Dear mum,

this isn't an attack or a rant and I'm not bitter about the past, so please hear me out. I’m very stable at the moment and not about to rush into anything drastic, but I’m going to have to make some changes and it’s up to you if you want to try and understand, support and help me or not. I really hope you will, but I’m prepared for the worst outcomes all round. Saying that, I won’t hold it against you if you have trouble coming to terms with something that’s taken me half a lifetime to understand and fully admit to myself.

"Bad, weak, thoughtless, fool," - you yourself have called me all these things. I agree that sensitivity and empathy are good qualities but I don't think you really wanted me to be that way for whatever reason. You were too worried I was turning out a sissy and what other people would think about it and how it reflected on you, but the problem is that deep down I am and always have been what people call a ‘sissy’. I'm not a gay man, I'm transgendered. I'm talking about gender identity, not biological sex or sexuality. My gender doesn’t fit the body I’m in. This might make sense to you or it might be a total shock; either way I expect you won’t like hearing it but it’s the truth and I’m tired of trying to pretend otherwise.

I always knew I was transgendered even before I knew the term for it and even if I've tried to deny it and be anything but. The causes of it still aren’t fully known but it is a medical condition and there are prenatal reasons to do with hormones, brain differences, and genetic indications, so I know it's not my fault and I can’t change it no matter how much I desperately wanted to, just so I could fit in more with society and not be rejected or abandoned.

A few years ago I tried the opposite approach to the standard treatment of this condition, asking my psychiatrist if he would prescribe me testosterone. He told me that wasn’t possible for health reasons but sent me to an endocrinologist for tests. My testosterone levels were average but my estrogen count was unusually high for a male. I think that is why my hips are wider, lips fuller, lashes longer, why I began to grow breasts whilst on Rispiridone, why I have no chest hair over the breast tissue, why I can’t grow a full beard, why my skin has always been softer, why I don’t smell like other men or have the same interests, and why I cry so much more easily.

I’ve reached a point where I just can’t go any further suppressing myself in order to keep everyone else from feeling awkward. My attempts to be other things have all failed and this is my life – I would like to actually experience some of the basic freedoms of personhood that almost everyone else takes for granted before I die. If I don’t take some action to live as I am then I will die in some inner way anyway and my opportunities for fulfillment will only diminish rapidly as I age.

I remember feeling fine with it and expressing it in various ways as a small child but then it dawned on me it was very wrong for me to be that way (in the eyes of others) in a male body. You say you're proud of me and who I am but I understand the reality that you might not be or might not want this to be true (I certainly didn't). You did shame me heavily as a child for whatever reason and I felt unable to expose who I was or even walk comfortably because of things you said to me. I was preoccupied with that tension I felt from being inherently ‘wrong’ in who I was, or else trying to escape it in daydream and fantasy.

I expect I have that to thank for my creativity, so it's not all terrible. I've discovered there are actually many good things in it too. But as a child I could only fully relax when I was alone for fear of being scrutinised, shamed or humiliated. Alcohol gave me some freedom in that way but it's no longer viable. I felt I was an embarrassment and let-down to you and the family and I've discovered the same thing writ large in society as a whole (but things are changing with increased awareness and understanding).

I've tried to be many other things in the hopes of gaining some acceptance, affection and approval. I've tried all these different relationships, places, groups, drugs etc. I've tried different images and characters. I'm nearly 40 and I feel I've come to terms with it in myself but that I'm unable to fully overcome my core feelings of embarrassment, shame and humiliation at present. It's apparent now that my social development has been somewhat stunted because of this and I can't go any further in life without facing this issue. I don't know what else to tell you. I know the truth of how people typically see the transgender issue and that discrimination is likely to come from anywhere including one's own family members (although I intend to keep this mostly to myself).

I’ve put this off so long because it seemed such a gigantic challenge that only amazingly brave and determined people could ever face. What I’ve learned is that the people who go through this are very ordinary just like me and the only reason they suffer through it is because they feel they have little or no choice. Psychologically speaking it is a matter of survival. The younger people are when they start to make changes, the better the outcomes. You may be surprised to learn that many transgendered people transition from one gender to another without anyone even suspecting anything, except of course those who knew them prior to their transition or those they work with. Years of preparation can result in the switch of roles being made without anyone on the street being any the wiser. Perhaps that’s optimistic but it’s true for many and there’s no real reason I can’t potentially do the same. Saying that I’m still very much in the first phases, so please don’t panic.

It’s not your fault either. The problem is the psychological damage that has come from the denial of who I am. Again you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself because we are all the product of our times to some extent and my story is typical for the vast majority of transgendered people from my generation. It was worse for older generations and it’s somewhat better for post-internet generations, but transgendered people statistically still face much worse discrimination and psychological stress than any other group in society. My stress in that way is diminishing since I’m coming to terms within myself, and the only other people who have to know are those I decide to tell. I feel like I need to tell you if our relationship is going to continue in a meaningful way. I want very much to know that you will love me in spite of this but again that’s up to you, I can’t make you accept me unconditionally and to be frank, as an adult your approval and acceptance are no longer essential to me.

I’m fully aware of the realities and drawbacks and that’s why I’m not rushing anything; however, as I’ve tried to explain, this isn’t a path or destiny someone chooses. Transitioning into the other gender to some extent or other is not a ‘lifestyle choice’ as people commonly tend to think. It is an attempt to relieve a crippling sort of discomfort and live a more integral life as one’s true self. Along with all the trials one gains the power and joy of authenticity, even if that has to be owned from a place of fear and vulnerability.

I expect you have all sorts of horrifying images of men in drag etc. but it’s really not like that either for most people who end up transitioning from male to female. I expect this is enough for you to digest for now and I’ll explain another time how xxxx relates to it if necessary. We can talk about this more but I’d like to continue via email for the time being.

Love . . ."

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  • 4 months later...
Guest ashleynikole

My letter to my parents was sort of long, but I thought I would share what my parents read for the first time. I also told them to read it, sleep on it and re-read it before contacting me. I knew they would need time to process. They are still processing. They will always process. I posted it as "My story" on my blog so feel free to read it at your leisure.


God bless


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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Sarausa

Not exactly a letter, but it was written in shape of a letter.

I recently came out to an online community which I'm a part of, that deals with voice acting, audio books, audio fiction, dubbing, etc... It's mainly amateur, with a few professionnals. Most of the people there only know me by voice, and the ones I know IRL are friends and they already know about me.

I contacted the administrator first, to change my nickname and displayed gender (which I can't do using profile prefs), and his advice on me posting a thread about my changing of gender. He was very supportive and accepting. So, it goes like this (translated from french) :

Hi everyone !

I'm bringing a news that you might find unexpected, but here goes... I always separated private life and online life, but sometimes, one can impact the other. And because I don't want to leave this forum ( [...] <= private joke) for a simple matter of nickname change but not only...

So I was [Old Nickname] until not very long ago, and now, Sarausa, as you may have noticed by bringing your eyes to look a little bit more to the left. You may have noticed the little pink "F" as well. It's not a joke, nor a hoax but a very serious decision, and if I'm telling you this, it's because I intend to stick around here for a long time still, share my creations, respond to casting offers, and so on, and that, now, you'll have to deal with an actress, with the voice that comes with it (It's been two months since I'm working on it, still have a long way to go, but I'm making progress !), and I'll use voice acting as kind of a "crash test", if you see what I mean...

Anyway, I'm a girl, now, and I'll be grateful if you could use adjectives and pronouns accordingly, say "she" and everything... I'll answer questions, if you have so, in the limits of my privacy. And yes, it's definitive. Being myself, at least online, is very important to me.

As time goes, I'll accept less and less mascuine roles, but, of course, each started project being due, I'll obviously carry on working with people whose projects I'm a part of, and to whom I owe voices, short or long term.

Thank you for reading and see you soon !

I had a lot of replies, from people very happy to see me again (I'm kinda of well-known within this community), and very supportive... It has been a huge relief and a great joy. My thread here is naturally very voice-oriented, but hope that helps anyway.

Thanks for reading!

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  • 5 months later...

This thread has been dormant for awhile, but I wanted to thank all of you who have posted letters here. I'm working on my letter to my family, and reading your letters and experiences with coming out has been very helpful. Thanks!

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Jamie61

Hi everyone, My GT suggested that I write a letter for those "hard to reach" family members! This is what I am preparing so far. I do not plan on leaving any copy, but simply using it for reference when I tell them.

Dear Family,

I have always been so very proud of you, and I don't expect that would every change. I have something I need to tell you and I hope that you can still be proud of me.

I am transgender, a female in a male body. I have always felt this but by the virtue of my gifts, I learn to follow the queues that everyone gives out to reinforce acceptable behaviors and mannerisms for traditional males in society.

So... what does being transgender mean? I doesn't mean that I am straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual... Transgender is not my sexuality. It does not mean that I am promiscuous, liberal, compassionate, prudish, greedy, conservative, responsible, generous, aloof ... Transgender is not my morality or value system. Transgender ( for me) means that I identify on the inside, as a female.

I need to tell you this because I would like to begin expressing myself on the outside in a way that "matches" who I am. Understand that I am the same person you've always known and that if you continue to know me you will see that is true. It is my sincere hope that you will continue to want to know me as I will always want to know my family. As I have always strived to be the best person I could be, you will see that this will actually make me a better, more authentic person.

I ask that before you imagine any worst case scenario based upon what you may believe is true of transgender people, please consider what I have said and learn more about what gender identity is and what transgender means. While my appearance will change and then slowly improve over time, remember I am the same person you have always known and that I need love and support now more then ever. A great place to start is to simply call me ***** and use female pronouns regarding me.

Love you always,


PS please don't hesitate to ask me any question you may have about this. I believe the more you know about this and the more you realize this is who I've always been, and the easier it will be to understand me, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and why I'm doing it now.

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  • 3 months later...
Guest AlmostEmily

so... i've decided to write a letter to my mum and the lovely folks in the chatroom suggested coming here for help. I have written a draft which i am quite happy about but would appreciate any feedback :-)

Dear mum,

I do not feel I have the strength right now to explain this to you face to face. But I have made a decision which gives me little choice. I am going to try and explain this to you in the best way I can. I need you to read this slowly and carefully. My future relationship with you will depend on how you react to this, that being said it is important to me that your reaction to me is genuine and not what you feel I need.
Since I was very young, about 4 or 5 I realised I was different to those around me. Who I thought I was and who I appeared to be never seemed to match up. As I got older I did things to try and ease this feeling. Doing so pulled me away from a lot, friends, society and of course my family. When I came out to you as bisexual it was meant to be a stopper for me, a way to release a little more of me into the world. Unfortunately it did not work and I have over the last year spiralled into a mass of depression and confusion. Although nothing I have told you up to this point is untrue, nothing I have told you had had anything to do with the real problem. The drugs where never the reason I used to leave your house as soon as I could. It has never been the reason I've craved being alone.
A while ago we talked about body dismorphia if you remember? Well, when I look in the mirror, I don't just feel underweight or over weight, I feel mutilated, deformed even. What I have is called gender dysphoria. What this means is that although I have male genitalia and for all accounts appear to be male, my heart and my soul are not. This is something I believed I would take to my grave, I was willing to go to prison to hide it, but the daily facade I have had to endure is killing me. I do not feel comfortable the way I am.
It is because of this I have been in discussion with my gp and with several therapists so I can begin to become more comfortable and more myself. Since starting this journey I have felt more free and more relieved than I have ever felt before.
If you haven't realised what I am talking about now I will be clear. I was born a girl in a boy's body. That is how I feel, this is in no way something I say lightly, any doubt on your part about my conviction on this would be damaging to us, so please keep any doubts to yourself.
I am now attending a place called the laurel centre in Exeter. Here I am getting therapy and we are working towards transitioning. This obviously means I am going to be experiencing a whole lot over the coming years and your support and encouragement would mean a great deal to me. But I will understand if you need more time to adjust.
I imagine this will explain a few more things for you and give you a little clarity, such as what I am spending money on that I've not been able to tell you about, which I have no doubt you have attributed to drugs. Also the grudge I felt against dad for so long was more about me trying to blame someone for how I felt. But it is/was and never will be anything to do with either of you. I was born this way and it is living as I have that have produced these results. Something I apologise for but I hope it explains a little for you.
I have spoke. To my enabler at uni and I have even discussed it with Sammy. Please understand you are the only family member which I feel I can tell right now, so it is incredibly important to me that you do not talk to anyone else and respect my privacy in this matter. I understand what I am asking will be very hard for you, especially from dad, but I need to do this in my way and in my time.
If you have questions for me, which I have no doubt you will, I am happy to answer them. But please bare in mind this is such a sensitive subject for me and I am so very fragile right now.
I love you very much mum, from the bottom of my heart.
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  • Forum Moderator

To me this letter is well written. It appears to explain things well without getting bogged down in any aspect and shows your positive feeling for your family. I do not know how things are with your parents but if I received this from my offspring I would take the time to understand them, especially as, it seems to me, much thought has gone into it.

Personally I don't think I have seen a better letter. Obviously asking your mum to keep things from your father may be an issue but only you will know if that will work. After the letter you may have to talk to her about a few things.

The only phrase which causes me to think is - 'My future relationship with you will depend on how you react to this'. Undoubtedly true but it does have the hint of an ultimatum about it. If it were me I would leave that out and just have - 'It is important to me that your reaction to me is genuine and not what you feel I need.' Your mum really needs to respond as a mum not as someone faced with a yes / no decision. Just my opinion - As I said earlier - I don't know your circumstances.

Hope it helps


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  • 10 months later...

I sent this via e-mail, as we are on opposite ends of the continent, to the last person, and their family, I “needed” to come-out to:

"Hi <recipients name>,

Since I changed my name to < Legal name> at the beginning of last year I don't use this e-mail address any more. Yes, I changed my firstname to a girly name and I changed my lastname to my mother's maiden name.

I am doing mostly ok. As you can presume from my name change, I have made some personal changes in my life. I think I am much happier than I have ever been before.

Huggs to all of you.

<My name>"

Short and to the point.

Yes, there were follow-ups to this.
Yes, I was accepted by the person who I sent this to. :)

Huggs, :wub:


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  • 4 months later...
Guest Alicia Rose

Just came out to my dad yesterday, via e-mail. I'm sharing this in case others want to read it. Maybe it can help someone. Here's my letter to him:

Read this when you have time alone.
I have been wanting to tell you something for many years, but could never bring myself to talk with you about this. I thought I was ready to talk with you, but it's just difficult. So I'm sending this. This is something I've been struggling with for about 7 years, ever since I first discovered the word for it. Shortly after that, I lost my mom. So I never could find time to let it out and express myself.

For as long as I can remember, my identity was something I've always questioned. It has always held me back on being social and made me feel uncomfortable. That's why I have always been quiet. Nothing ever felt right and I have always been confused on why everything felt so wrong.

Online, back in 2009, I met someone who changed all of that.

She told me she is Transgender, something psychology calls Gender Dysphoria. Someone with Gender Dysphoria feels as though they have been "born in the wrong body".

This is something I've always known but didn't start to understand until 7 years ago. I've been keeping this a secret ever since and I have been battling depression because of it. I simply cannot do that anymore. I deserve to be happy.

Since April, I have been seeing a therapist about this. She is going to help me transition, which involves starting medications like Hormone Replacement Therapy which will change things for me, emotionally and physically. This has to be approved by a therapist before I'm able to proceed, which it has been, and I plan on proceeding in the coming month(s). That probably sounds scary to you, but I promise you it's the right thing to do for me.

This is a medical condition, and is no one's fault. There's nothing that could have been done to change that. And that's okay. This has made me so unhappy for so long, but not because of how I'm different, but because of how you may feel about it and how worried I was to be myself.

Brandon has always been supportive and knows. I told him in April 2012, I believe. All I hope for, by telling you this, is that through my transition you can learn to love and support me. That's your choice. You may not understand everything I've shared, you might feel sad, angry, confused or worried, but I am still the same person. Don't stress about this. I'm not expecting you to reply anytime soon.

I'm suppose to talk to you in person about this, and was wanting to talk this weekend (4th-5th) but I just can't bring myself to that and perhaps this works better for you. Gives you time to think about it. Just know, transitioning is something I've thought about for nearly a decade of my life now - but has always been on my mind since I was a child.
I'm doing this because I want to be happy. You deserve to know and I'm sharing this with you because I love you.
Our family has never really been that close or open about things. We've all had our own struggles but never been open enough to talk about them. Regardless of how you feel or how this changes things, I will always appreciate you for the things you've done for our family.
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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you for sharing that with us. Coming out to relatives is perhaps the hardest thing we may ever do. I've known soldiers who say battle is easier. Whatever we can do to help our brothers and sisters get through this is wonderful.

Best of luck with your struggle. Please let us know how it goes.

Big hugs,


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  • 7 months later...

i have been trying to get a coming out letter together now to give to my girlfriend  for the last 2 weeks that she can read whilst im there, but I'm not the best at writing, here's a draft I have got, have been trying to get inspiration from others letters but i haven't seen many going out to a S/O. let me know your opinions on where i could do more or less :)



I’m writing this down because as you know I’m just the worst at getting my words out, especially anything serious, you may be getting a bit scared reading this now, just as I am/was whilst writing this but just relax and try and read this with an open mind. I want to be honest with you as I haven’t ever really been honest with anyone about this, not even myself.

As far as you know I have been depressed on and off for probably as long as you have known me, I’m distant a lot of the time, I sink back into my room a lot of the time to be on my own, I struggle to get motivation to do anything because of this long running depression, for the longest time I have had an idea of what causes me to be like this but only in the last few weeks/months, I have started to accept my reality that this isnt just going to go away and im not going grow out of it. Im now 100% certain I suffer with gender dysphoria and in last month I have had 2 therapy sessions with a gender therapist. You probably know what this means, I feel like I should have been born a girl or that I am a girl trapped in a mans body.

I know this is going to be a massive shock and if I knew of a way I could somehow lessen that I would jump on it. I’ve felt this way for a long time, some of my earliest memories are of being like this, things like when I used to steal my sister snow white costume out of her room and wear it all the time or trying on my mums wedding dress and when I was punished by my mum for it,. I think that’s when it became my deep dark secret, I have tried to keep it secret since then and I was certain I would take this to the grave with me. You probably never saw this coming or maybe you did and there are maybe things that make more sense now because of this, I  don't know, I know I have over compensated
in some ways, masculine things such as trying to build myself up at the gym to having a big beard which I have always hated, my weight is constantly shifting about because regardless of whether I’m under or over weight I still hate my body. I have often felt I struggled to fit in with the guys, doing guy things etc

I completely understand if you feel like you have been lied to or betrayed about who I am, but that was never intended and the last thing I ever want is to hurt you, I still want to do all the things we have talked about like marriage and kids etc but I  can't commit to further until you know this about me, my number one priority is our relationship I want us to stay together but I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away either. Take as much time to process this as you need, I’m so sorry I have put you in this situation but remember that I still do and always will love you no matter what.

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Hi Ellie, I think it's very well written and very thoughtful.  You did a nice job of explaining some of the background as well as the present.  And it's nice that it's one page and easy to read.  Perhaps the only thing I'd do is change some of your punctuation - lots of commas to periods to shorten up some sentences.  But that's just picky me.  ;-)  Content-wise, i think it's really good.  I'm impressed. 

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  • 4 months later...

Hey gals, sorry for posting this again but, it has been a long while since I wrote this and still haven't gotten around to delivering it yet, I will be doing so soon though as I'm starting a new job at the beginning of August. Me and my girlfriend currently work in the same building, and its a little safety net in case it all goes pear-shaped (not the only reason I'm changing jobs, it's been a long time coming, hate my current job and it also seems a much more friendly company where coming out there would be hell of a lot easier :) ) anyway this is what I believe to be my final draft of the letter :) pretty much the same but a couple little tweaks here and there. really struggled with spell check and grammar as my version of Microsoft Word is stuck to a German dictionary and tells me everything is spelt wrong, think I caught them all though. :P

I’m writing this down because as you know I’m just the worst at getting my words out, especially anything serious, you may be getting a bit scared reading this now, just as I am/was whilst writing this but just try to relax and read this with an open mind. I want to be honest with you as I haven’t ever really been honest with anyone about this, not even myself. I’ve been trying to find the right time to say this and/or finding the right way to say this but I don’t think there will ever be, and if I keep waiting for that moment it more than likely won't ever come.

As far as you know I have been depressed on and off for probably as long as you have known me, I’m distant a lot of the time. I sink back into my room to be on my own and I struggle to get the motivation to do anything because of this long running depression. For the longest time I have had an idea of what causes me to be like this but only in the last few weeks/months, I have started to accept my reality that this isn’t just going to go away and I’m not going grow out of it. I’m now 100% certain I suffer from gender dysphoria, if you don’t know this is a condition where I feel my mind doesn’t match my body and at any moment it hits me, it can send me spiralling emotionally out of control. Over the last months, I have had two therapy sessions with a gender therapist. By now you’re probably working out where this is going and know what this means, or maybe you don’t, I’m not like most other guys and that’s down to me not feeling like a guy at all, I feel like I should have been born a girl.

I know this is going to be a massive shock and if I knew of a way I could somehow lessen that I would jump on it.
I’ve felt this way for a long time, some of my earliest memories are of being like this, things like when I used to steal my sister’s snow white costume from her room to wear and playing with her toys, or trying on my mums wedding dress and when I was caught I was made to feel humiliated by my mum for it, I think that’s when it became my secret and I have tried to keep it secret since then and I was certain I would take this to the grave with me, and at times this has nearly pushed me to an early grave. Thinking about it this can probably help to explain my poor relationship with my mother and sister I was always a difficult child and I was unhappy a lot of the time. You probably never saw this coming or maybe you did and maybe there are things that are starting to make more sense now because of this. I know I have over compensated for some masculine things, such as trying to build myself up at the gym, to growing a big beard which I have always hated and unfortunately for me you grew to love. My weight is constantly shifting about because regardless of whether I was under or over weight I still seemed to hate my body. I have often felt I struggled to fit in with the guys, doing typical guy things, even conversations I feel I'm not on the same wavelength and that surfaces more anxieties.

I completely understand if you feel like you have been lied to or betrayed about who I am, but that was never intended and the last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt you. I still want to do all the things we have talked about or mentioned in the past, from marriage and kids, pets, going to Universal Studios to getting our own home with a colour matched kitchen. But I can’t commit further to it until you know this about me. Although it may take a lot of work, I do believe this could make us stronger and closer than ever, it would make me a happier person overall, less boring, more outgoing and maybe more pleasant to be around. But of course, there two sides to a relationship and your feelings and opinions on this are just as valid as mine. My number one priority is our relationship and I want us to stay together but I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away either, after all, it's your choice and I respect that decision either way. Please take as much time to process this as you need, I am sorry I have put you in this situation but remember that I still do and always will love you.

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  • Admin

My  suggestion on it is not to be so apologetic and be a little more direct to them as to what is happening.  Your history of depression and doubt is significant to the story, and again no apologies are necessary.  Do not give them the option to walk away even if you and they know it will happen.  You are not asking for their approval, you are informing them of what is best for your life, and they are still welcome in it with you but do not be the one to suggest they will have problems. You do have a good handle on what you want to say there, but make it a bit more concise.  I have a terrible time with wordiness and my drafts of 33K words often are reduced to 1.5K by the time I submit them to people.  One other point I would like to suggest is that maybe you have versions of this for work, family, close friends and places like church or social clubs. 

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  • 5 months later...
  • 8 months later...

Hi Alec - coming out to my dad was the hardest one I had to do. There's no perfect format since everyone's situation is different. 

In the end I did it face to face with my dad, but I had written letters in preparation. My advice would be to make sure it's not too long, be heartfelt and genuine,  try to explain what it's felt like for you, what steps you've already taken and how you know this will help you. Make it clear that this is something you've thought about a lot and that you aren't entering into it lightly. 

I honestly believe that most parents just want their kids to be happy. If you can explain how and why this is critical to your ability to live, thrive and be joyful, then you'll have done well.

My 2 cents,

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  • Forum Moderator

Be honest, and to the point.  Don't dwell on the details.  there will be time later but be prepared to address any questions he has.  



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4 hours ago, AlecFtm said:

I wanted to come out to my dad as transgender Ftm but I don't know how to i wrote a letter help please


The points I made the post that is three entries before yours are ones to follow for everyone.  Nothing in a coming out letter indicates shame, but letting people honestly know about your struggle help all of you.

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  • 2 months later...

Anyone have advise on coming out to partners? I just recently came out to myself as FTM and my boyfriend is FTM, but he's only known me as a woman and hasn't seen much of who I really am in that respect even though we've been dating for over a year now. I have only just recently tried to embrace being trans by dressing how I want to and not conforming to the stereotypical feminine gender norms. 

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Welcome RaeAvery!   As your partner is FTM they may have some inkling even though you may have tried to not show it.  You might just start a conversation with them about when they came to realize they were trans and then speak of yourself.


All my best,


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  • 3 months later...

Well I'm really not sure if this is the right thread to post this but here goes. The reason I have joined this forum is basically for advice on my situation and hoping to find someone that is or has is in the same situation as myself. 

I will start by telling the story on how I have reached the point I am at. Since I was in my early teens which was a long time ago, I'm 53 now but told I look early 40's Lucky I guess. Anyway I started trying on my sisters clothes and sometimes I would look after my neighbors cat when they were out of town and take advantage of that and try on the neighbors wife's clothes but made sure everything was as it was. 

Through the years I have been married and have a daughter and now divorced but have also had several long term relationships with women but they never end up being forever and I think that is because I know deep down and the strong the feeling I have to live as a women full time. I have tried and tried to stop dressing and yes I do have my own clothes now and I have ventured out even though I am not passable but only where I know no one will see me. I want that to change and be able to be myself. I'm also just now learning to apply makeup and learn to pass. 

The main concerns I have about coming out are that I would have to tell family and the scary one would be telling my daughter who is 22 with two daughters. Also one of my sisters would probably not be accepting but I could deal with that. I don't have to come out to my parents as my mother passed and my farther has dementia, also I have a great job of 18 years and it pays well and I would have to leave that security behind as its very much a mans world job and I know I would not be accepted or even want to go through explaining to everyone why I wish to be a women and seeing if they accept me for who I am. I would have to start a whole new life and that would be fine with me but how hard would it be to find a great paying job and be accepted as a transgender women ? I could probably go on and on but don't want to make this to complicated or drone on about things that I'm sure a lot on here have already gone through so I'll just say if anybody in the same situation has or is going through, I would love to hear your experiences and advice on how to deal with all these emotions and how you overcame the same hurdles, 


Thanks, Ashley

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Ashley.  It's nice to meet you.  I understand why you're concerned about your situation.  While there are many differences, including that I was married when I came out, I have a son who was 17 at the time.  Like you, I wondered if he would be accepting or if I would lose his love and respect.  My fears were unfounded, and he was totally accepting and supported me 100 per cent.  My wife, after a lot of doubts and hesitation, stayed with me and we're all doing well 8-9 years later.


No two situations are ever the same, of course,  and I can offer you no guarantees; just hope.  Even job situations are not always hopefless, especially if you're in a national company or one with strong LGBT protections in its rules and regs.


I transitioned on the job at the age of 57, stayed two years and happily retired.  I hope your situation has just as happy an ending.




Carolyn Marie

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