Reasons Why I Believe I'm Transsexual.

[Guest Snow Angel]

I just thought I’d write this because I think it will be therapeutic for me and so the newer members can get to know me better or get a glimpse at my life.

Reasons why I believe I am female born in a male body, reasons why I should transition:

When I was 4 or 5, sometimes I would push the head of my penis in, so it formed a vertical line, then I would push it all back into my pelvis. I wondered if people would think I was a girl if I did that. I don’t remember why I did that, but I do remember doing it.

My first stuffed toy I ever picked out myself was Hello Kitty. I loved all of my stuffed animals. From the age of 4 to 13, I would name them all, give them personalities, and make up stories for them while I played with them.

When I was 6 my mom got me a summer haircut called a ‘buzz’. I was shaved bald. I hated it and cried for days.

I always preferred the company of little girl playmates to little boys. I thought I liked it because they were ‘nicer’. When I was 7, my mom began to segregate me from them and put me with boys. I cried when I wasn’t allowed to play with girls anymore.

From the ages of 7 to 9, I would sometimes wear my mom’s swimsuits. Sometimes I would wear them under my clothes for hours at a time and pretend I was Wonder Woman.

I was never into rough games or wrestling or being physical with guy friends. I enjoyed games that involved imagination.

Puberty was hell for me. I dreaded it. I hated body hair. I don’t really remember having any desire to be female, but I did feel different. I forever wanted to remain childlike and hairless.

I always wanted a girlfriend in middle school and highschool, but the only reason was because I had the desire to always be around her and her female friends. I wanted to integrate into their group.

When I was 15 and started getting facial hair. I hated it and refused to shave it even though my parents yelled at me to shave. It just felt so wrong. I did not know what transsexualism was, but I did know what electrolysis was. I begged my parents to get electrolysis on my face, much to their laughter.

Ever since I was 16, I started to roleplay females over the safety of the internet. I found that I took to it quite naturally, and that’s when I began to wonder if I should have instead been born female.

From the age of 16 until now, I always had passing curiosities or fantasies of what my life would have been like if I were born female. I did not think these were unusual thoughts, or I thought everyone had them.

When I was 17 my parents would ask me what kind of a car I wanted. I’d say such things as Dodge Neon, VW beetle, or Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder. My dad laughed and said, “You can’t get those. Those are chick cars.”

I used to cut slits in my slacks up to the knees, so they’d flow and flap around. I liked the feeling. Maybe it was an instinct to wear dresses or something similar. My parents questioned this, and I answered truthfully. I even said “I’d wear dresses if I could” which freaked them out.

I used to cut my student body cards, or cover up my photograph in them. I would scratch out my picture in my yearbook. I always thought I looked so pathetic. In contrast, now I like the girl I see in the mirror when I dress en femme.

I am not transitioning because people online or other TS people cheer me on. I had desires to be reborn as female even before I researched transsexualism on the web. Researching and talking to people is what made me learn it is real. That I can turn my fantasy into a reality. I can not be reborn, but I can live the rest of my life as who I want to be.

I am not a gay man. I grew up always being called or assumed to be gay, even though I knew I was not. I think it was because I exhibit many feminine traits and body movements. I like how straight men handle and hold me when they treat me like a girl. I do not like gay men making advances on me because they like my male-ness.

I am not a crossdresser. I am not delighted by women’s clothes. I think women’s clothes are interesting and neat. I am interested in them and I will wear them as required of me because they tell the world that I am female. Clothes are neutral to me. I will wear what I feel like wearing on given day.

I am not a transvestite or bi-gender. I hate my male persona. I wish he would die. I do not want to make friends as him, or go to work as him. I do not like other men calling me bro, dude, or dawg. I am 100% female.

I associate more with female characters than I do male characters in works of fiction.

I like makeup and perfume.

I am finally happy to embrace my femininity, rather than try to hide it because I fear people calling me gay.

I make decisions or react to requests based on making other people happy, not based on logic. I like to nurture.

I adore the lack of testosterone in my body and I am happy to be on HRT. Things that used to put me into emotional wrecks no longer faze me. My emotional range is now normal instead of psycho. I cry at sad things, I get depressed or upset normally, and I am happy the rest of the time; as it should be. If for some reason I was not allowed to transition, at the very least I think I could be happy being a castrated male (eunuch) or androgyne.

2 months of estrogen fixed for me mentally what 2 years of anti-depressants could not do.

Since coming out to them, friends have told me positive things. “I’ve never seen you smile so brightly before.” “I’m not surprised, you always did like the softer ideas.” “I always knew you were a depressed and hallow person and wanted to help, but I didn’t know what was wrong with you. I believe this is what was wrong with you.”

Reasons I should NOT transition or reasons I might not be transsexual:

My mom does not want me to.

I hope I am not doing this for the wrong reason. Maybe my depression was over my school loans or lack of direction in life, rather than being gender dysphoria. I hope I am not doing this because my life ‘needed a change’. My mom told me she hopes I’m not doing this because it’s a new ‘fad’ for me, or just as a way of meeting new people.

It’s dangerous and expensive. I could end up on the streets because of unemployment if I get caught in the middle of transition with no money. I could end up dead at the hands of transphobia.

My mom says the only reason HRT makes me happy is because “Estro is a happy chemical. I’m taking some for menopause and it makes me happier too.”

Men have more power in the world and are less the target of crimes.

Some people tell me they thought I made a fine guy.

Some people tell me I will regret the loss of my penis.

I feel neutral as far as genitals goes. I don’t feel like I’ll be overjoyed to have breasts and a vagina, I just feel like I’ll get used to them because it is what a female has. I don’t really loathe my penis, I just loathe the testicles because of what they produce. I don’t hate my penis, but I guess I do not mind losing it, because a woman does not have one.

Although I like men, I am still sexually attracted to women. It bothers me.

I would rather be a castrated male that passes for male than a transsexual woman that can’t pass as female.

Ok that’s pretty much all I can think of. The positive reasons outweigh the negative. It’s still nice to do some soul searching though.

[Guest KellyGirl]

Although a lot of this may be more extreme then me. I can say this is shockingly similar to me.

[Guest Alice4016]

Although a lot of this may be more extreme then me. I can say this is shockingly similar to me.

Yeppers, I have to agree on this one. I think most of those are common feelings. Sweety just do what makes you happy, don't worry about what your mom, friends, family, society says...if your not happy with yourself...well it can lead to a serious loss for you and those around you (trust me I lost a friend to suicide b/c of this...I'm just glad I finally came out before the same demon got me). Hun, you need to be who you are. In time you will figure out all those thoughts running through your head, thats why seeing a gender expert would not be a bad idea. They can answer some of your more difficult questions, and the relationship you will build with them will last a lifetime! Good luck with this dear, I wish you only the best in your journey of self discovery.

Peace, love, and health,

Alice

[Guest Leah1026]

Reasons I should NOT transition or reasons I might not be transsexual:

1. My mom says the only reason HRT makes me happy is because “Estro is a happy chemical. I’m taking some for menopause and it makes me happier too.”

2. Although I like men, I am still sexually attracted to women. It bothers me.

3. I would rather be a castrated male that passes for male than a transsexual woman that can’t pass as female.

First of all, I was a whole lot less stereotypical behavior-wise than you and I turned out fine.

1. Estrogen does not make men happy. It drives them nuts. End of discussion.

2. That may change, it did for me. I'm not attracted to women anymore (was I ever really?). I am somewhat attracted to men now. By the way, what bothers you? Being bisexual?

3. This is the troublesome one for me. There is more to life than looks. I could not continue being something I'm not. I didn't matter to me if I turned out ugly, I needed to be me. Lastly, looking back from where I am now I can tell you it is easier to blend than you think. Women come in all shapes and sizes. Just as important are your voice, mannerisms and deportment. The hard part is voice, the rest comes pretty naturally if you let it.

[Guest Jack Solomon]

Good summary, Snow Angel. I also find it helps me to organize my thoughts in a list-type format. I can relate to what you say about not liking men making advances on you because of your physical maleness - I'm the same way, just in the opposite direction. I didn't like straight men making advances because of my physical femaleness, but I think I would actually be flattered if a gay man was attracted to me because that would reaffirm my maleness, if that makes sense.

There is one thing that I would like to add though, and that is about your mom saying that 'Estro is a happy chemical'. You've mentioned her saying this before. I actually do not think that it always acts as one. For instance, many bio females who are perfectly at home being female go absolutely nuts if given an uneven or too-high level of Estrogen, because it can wind up doing some funky things to their system. It can help females who are going through menopause though, or who are otherwise suffering from a lack or sharp decline of it, because it is needed for the body's chemical system to continue functioning in a smooth way. I actually would say that your taking so well to estrogen should be seen as a plus and more like another 'reason' that you are transsexual more than anything else.

A male-bodied individual (who is non-transsexual) with regular hormone levels will generally not react well to extra estrogen being introduced into their system. Ordinarily, the male system does have a certain supply of estrogen within it, but the levels should typically not be exceeded by a noticable amount past what the body produces normally. It can actually drive them fairly crazy. Furthermore, giving a male-bodied person (who doesn't naturally need it or produce it) too high of a level of testosterone can actually trigger the body to produce more estrogen than is needed, which also may create an imbalance within the body and can cause noticably negative effects in male-bodied people. However, if the system is lacking or experiencing a decline of testosterone - just as with women and estrogen - that is when the body should be able to utilize it properly.

Obviously, there are rare exceptions to these general rules, and one of them is someone whose system is intolerant to receiving a certain hormone (or combination of hormones) from a source outside the body.

The way my therapist summarized it is that transsexuals typically respond extremely well to hormone therapy and see much improvement, but if you were just the average biological male you would be unlikely to see positive effect. If anything, if you were a non-transsexual it probably would have a good chance of making things worse.

So, the odds are pretty good you've responded well to the hormone therapy. I do believe this is what was missing from your life. Before transition, you always struck me as an intelligent person who was being held back for some reason within yourself and I think you're well on your way to doing something about it and living a full life. Soon hopefully I'll be there, too.

Solomon

[Guest Sarah Rhea]

Very good.... I don't really see any problems with still liking woman, I do. I think I'm mostly a lesbian anyway.

Also i'm not really adding much to the discussion, but it really does feel natural to be a girl online. I started when I was 15 I think. Only thing....I wouldn't call it roleplaying anymore, I don't know if it ever was even if at the time I thought it was. So....that's just my take on that.

[Guest OctoberMermaid]

That sounds pretty close to how it is for me, too!

I haven't started transitioning yet, though, and I'm still afraid that if I tell a therapist my story, they'll say it isn't enough or I'm not really trans. And I'm shy, so maybe they'll see me tripping over words and not making eye contact and assume I'm lying.

[Guest Ryles_D]

My mom does not want me to.

So you've always done what you're parents wanted? Never broke the rules? Your parents never did anything you didn't want them to? ...okay, wow, that'd be a great home life.

Look, if you wanted to be... let's say an artist, that your parents didn't want you to. Being an artist made you truly happy, while (let's say they want you to be a doctor) being a doctor just isn't for you. You never liked going to the doctor and you couldn't give people their shots or stand looking down a person's throat while htey say "ah" all day. Maybe you could be a good little girl and become a doctor, but you'd be miserable. If you became an artist, your parents might never really approve- but you'd at least be happy, you'd be doing what you love.

Which would you rather do? Be miserable for your parents, or happy for yourself? (remember, this is hypothetical only, nothing wrong wiht being a doctor)

It’s dangerous and expensive. I could end up on the streets because of unemployment if I get caught in the middle of transition with no money. I could end up dead at the hands of transphobia.

Er, no complaints there. Take up martial arts or some form of self defense. Yeah, it'll make you more muscular and harder to pass- but the stronger and better you are at defending yourself, the less likely the latter'll happen.

My mom says the only reason HRT makes me happy is because “Estro is a happy chemical. I’m taking some for menopause and it makes me happier too.”

Haha. Man, let me talk to your mother. Estrogen is horrible for guys.

Men have more power in the world and are less the target of crimes.

Yes, but you should never hit a girl. Women are also more protected in some ways.

Some people tell me they thought I made a fine guy.

And I'm fine as a girl. Does anyone else find this an extremely depressing statement? Like a backhanded compliment that's really an insult?

[Guest Jack Solomon]

First of all, I was a whole lot less stereotypical behavior-wise than you and I turned out fine.

1. Estrogen does not make men happy. It drives them nuts. End of discussion.

2. That may change, it did for me. I'm not attracted to women anymore (was I ever really?). I am somewhat attracted to men now. By the way, what bothers you? Being bisexual?

I think Snow Angel is saying that still being attracted to women bothers her because it makes her worry if she is attracted to women the way a male is attracted to women (instead of how a female is attracted to women). But I could be wrong, Snow Angel feel free to correct me if I am.

And I'm fine as a girl. Does anyone else find this an extremely depressing statement? Like a backhanded compliment that's really an insult?

I've been told the 'you make such a fine girl/guy' one before. What's frustrating about this one is that the people who say these type of things generally don't mean it to be a backhanded compliment/half-insult (although they can), or they aren't aware that it can act as one. Being told statements such as, 'You make a fine girl/guy, you should be happy with what you've got', or, another classic, 'You made such a fine guy/girl, I can't see why you would want to do this' (when said in a slightly doubtful voice), can act as a really sharp double-edged sword in terms of putting doubt in someone's mind.

Of course I - and you, and everybody else here - makes a fine (insert whatever physical sex you wish), because we make for fine people. But rarely has someone told me directly that I make a fine person, instead of using terms which denote a specific physical sex. People (in general) tend to put others in one category or another. The physical sex of a person does greatly influence social perception of them.

Solomon

[Guest mandy05]

Hi Snow Angel,

Wow! I can relate to just about everything that you are saying. I thought I would share my thoughts on several of your posts that I identify with the most, which is quiet a few of them.

When I was 4 or 5, sometimes I would push the head of my penis in, so it formed a vertical line, then I would push it all back into my pelvis. I wondered if people would think I was a girl if I did that. I don’t remember why I did that, but I do remember doing it.

You just stirred up a memory that I had forgotten all about. I remember doing that also, however looking back, I also had no idea why I did that. I had almost forgotten that I use to do the same thing.

My first stuffed toy I ever picked out myself was Hello Kitty. I loved all of my stuffed animals. From the age of 4 to 13, I would name them all, give them personalities, and make up stories for them while I played with them.

I played with some male toys such as Tonka trucks, however I have always adored stuffed animals, especially teddy bears. I have always gotten very sad anytime someone starts to throw one away. I have several little cute teddy bears on my bed right now.

When I was 6 my mom got me a summer haircut called a ‘buzz’. I was shaved bald. I hated it and cried for days.

I shaved my head completely bald back when I was in my late 20's and I was very ashamed of the way I looked after I did it. I have tried to gather up every single picture of me with a shaved head that I can find, and rip them to pieces. I thought I would be able to deal with being bald after I shaved my head, however I found that my self-esteem dropped tremendously after doing so. I did not want to be seen, and I felt like hiding until my hair grew back. Hair loss along with having a shaved head has always been a major phobia for me. I use to lay out of work because of it. No joke.

I always preferred the company of little girl playmates to little boys. I thought I liked it because they were ‘nicer’. When I was 7, my mom began to segregate me from them and put me with boys. I cried when I wasn’t allowed to play with girls anymore.

I was never really bothered about having boy playmates back when I was growing up, however I did enjoy having girl playmates also.

I was never into rough games or wrestling or being physical with guy friends. I enjoyed games that involved imagination.

I can definitely relate there. Even though I did watch wresting and football on TV, I hate rough housing. I had a friend who use to enjoy sucker punching me in the arm and poking me in the stomach. He always wanted to trade licks with me, however I always refused to do so. He said that he was trying to toughen me up. Same thing with all guys who like to trade licks. I absolutely hated doing it. Plus anytime someone tried to throw me a football, instead of catching it, I would always put my hands in front of my face and bat it down.

Puberty was hell for me. I dreaded it. I hated body hair. I don’t really remember having any desire to be female, but I did feel different. I forever wanted to remain childlike and hairless.

OMG, I hear you on that one too! I hate body hair, it is repulsive. Even before I identified as being trans, I would spend countless hours shaving my body. I wanted smooth baby like skin with no body hair period.

I always wanted a girlfriend in middle school and highschool, but the only reason was because I had the desire to always be around her and her female friends. I wanted to integrate into their group.

Can't say that I completely relate to that one, however I do remember how much I loved and appreciated women's designer clothes back when I was a teenager, and during my younger adult years in the 80's, and 90's. I remember how much I loved women's designer jeans back in the 80's also. I loved how tight they were, and how they fitted. I have always liked wearing tight fitting jeans, and have always hated baggy men's jeans. Looking back, I now realize how much I would've loved to have been a girl back during that time period, and how I would've loved to have worn a lot of the clothes that were popular back during that time period. I remember how I use to wish how I had a girlfriend who wore a certain brand name of popular jeans or other clothes, however I now realize it was really me, who wished that they could wear those popular name brands of clothing, not so much having a girlfriend who wore them.

Ever since I was 16, I started to roleplay females over the safety of the internet. I found that I took to it quite naturally, and that’s when I began to wonder if I should have instead been born female.

I've done the same thing also. I did it at first to get even with this one guy who had made me mad online, however as time went on I enjoyed being a girl online, and felt very natural about doing so. I also found that I was able to relate better to natal females online better than what I was able to relate to men.

From the age of 16 until now, I always had passing curiosities or fantasies of what my life would have been like if I were born female. I did not think these were unusual thoughts, or I thought everyone had them.

Same here. They started getting stronger once I got into my 20's, and got increasingly strong as I got into my 30's. I remember watching a movie and seeing this girl who was wearing a pink belt that I really liked. I remember getting depressed and wishing that I could wear the same type of belt that she was wearing. I felt very deprived as if I had been robbed of my true gender.

When I was 17 my parents would ask me what kind of a car I wanted. I’d say such things as Dodge Neon, VW beetle, or Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder. My dad laughed and said, “You can’t get those. Those are chick cars.”

It feels like I am reading about myself........lol! Most of my male friends drove pick up trucks, however I have never liked pick up trucks. I also have never had any interest in any type of sports cars that a lot of men like. Instead I have always liked cars such as a Geo Tracker or a VW Beetle. I think they are so cute. I do like a red or white Jeep Wrangler, however I hate it anytime someone takes a Jeep Wrangler, and they put big tires on it, or they try to make it look tough or manly looking.

Researching and talking to people is what made me learn it is real. That I can turn my fantasy into a reality. I can not be reborn, but I can live the rest of my life as who I want to be.

Very true, and encouraging both. My only 2 regrets is that I did not identify this back when I was younger, and that I did not begin my transition back when I was at least 18 to 21 years old.

I am not a gay man. I grew up always being called or assumed to be gay, even though I knew I was not. I think it was because I exhibit many feminine traits and body movements. I like how straight men handle and hold me when they treat me like a girl. I do not like gay men making advances on me because they like my male-ness.

I also have been called gay, and have been assumed by others that I am gay, because of my feminine like ways, and because I have been kind of androgynous with my clothes in the past 15 years nearly. Even in male form, I wear a lot of bright colors, and I wear women's jeans, canvas and white tennis shoes. I also don't like wearing leather belts or manly looking belts. I like wearing canvas web belts, ribbon belts, and retro stretch belts that women wear.

I am not a transvestite or bi-gender. I hate my male persona. I wish he would die. I do not want to make friends as him, or go to work as him. I do not like other men calling me bro, dude, or dawg. I am 100% female.

I hear you there. Being referred to in male terms is sickening to me, and it is almost as bad as being called a vulgar name.

Thank you for posting this Snow Angel. You have reminded me that I am doing the right thing by transitioning.

Mandy Renee *Hugs*

[Guest Snow Angel]

I think Snow Angel is saying that still being attracted to women bothers her because it makes her worry if she is attracted to women the way a male is attracted to women (instead of how a female is attracted to women). But I could be wrong, Snow Angel feel free to correct me if I am.

Jacky boy, you are amazing. That is precisely what I meant by that statement. I should have elaborated on it but it looks like you did it for me.

[Guest Kelly]

First of all, I was a whole lot less stereotypical behavior-wise than you and I turned out fine.

1. Estrogen does not make men happy. It drives them nuts. End of discussion.

2. That may change, it did for me. I'm not attracted to women anymore (was I ever really?). I am somewhat attracted to men now. By the way, what bothers you? Being bisexual?

3. This is the troublesome one for me. There is more to life than looks. I could not continue being something I'm not. I didn't matter to me if I turned out ugly, I needed to be me. Lastly, looking back from where I am now I can tell you it is easier to blend than you think. Women come in all shapes and sizes. Just as important are your voice, mannerisms and deportment. The hard part is voice, the rest comes pretty naturally if you let it.

1. same for testosterone i guess well i drives me C-R-A-Z-Y-!-!-! anyway yah

2. Im Bisexualy attracted to people and it does bother me quite a bit (but i think that not being on hrt causes it)

3. yah id have to agree with you but looks has been important for me i like how i look Cd'ed right now but the hair ... (i hate my theatere teacher he made me cut it) ... my hair is to short.

btw my pic is attached

[Guest Sheila]

hi snow angel,

i can sooo relate to your situation. i wore my first dress when i was about five years old. from that point on i was hooked. unlike you though, i knew i wanted to be a woman at a much earlier age. i do hate my penis and would never miss it. as for pictures there are only about three of me and they are in my possesion. i wish i would have had a digital camera before my accident. i lived in denile for the last eight years and have been so unhappy. now i'm going to do what i should have done years ago and just taking these first steps have lifted my spirits. i feel better now that i'm taking these first steps. if only there was a way to help people like us at an earlier age maybe we wouldn't have such high suicide rates and other mental health issues. i can see now that my recklessness and wanting to not live no more is directly related to my gender disorder. if i would of made a transition when i was younger i might not have these destructive feelings now. should of, could of, would of do nothing.

growing up on the mean streets of detroit made me put on a tough don't mess with me macho facade and made it even more difficult to live with myself. of course we didn't have the resources we have now and i knew nobody. i have one male friend and no girl friends. my transsexualism has made me keep to myself. this has made me a lonely person but i would rather have my womanhood than have just one friend. all that matters to me is to be a woman. everything else is irrevalent. hind sight is 20/20 because now i can see that this is hard wired into my heart and soul. it's like i'm programed to be this way. having absolutly no control over my feelings. besides all of that we have a lot in common. i never knew there are people that think and feel the same way i do i thought there was something terribly wrong with me. i'm happy to learn that this is a genitic defect. i hate saying that word defect but that is correct, isn't it?as an old lady now i can honestly say, if you're a young man or woman who feels they're in the wrong body then you need to take the proper steps to correct the problem. it could give the peace and happiness that we all seek.

girl power !!!'

sheila