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Violence And Hate Crimes Against The Transgendered


Have you been the victim of violence or a hate crime?  

123 members have voted

  1. 1. Do you know a transgender victim of violence or a hate crime?

    • Yes
      73
    • No
      50
  2. 2. Have you been the victim of violence or a hate crime?

    • Yes
      48
    • No
      75


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Almost every day on this planet at least one Transgender person somewhere will be the victim of violence, rape or Hate crimes. This happens to both Transmen and Transwomen. Yet if you were to check factual reported statistics it appears to be low. While the FBI keeps violent crime statistics against Gays and Lesbians it does not against Transgender persons. We are ignored by our own Government. In the case of Brandon Teena a Transman who was raped and later murdered reporting the original crime was ignored by the Police Department and Brandon was even blamed for it by the town's sherriff. http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notorio.../brandon/1.html . The perpatrators were not arrested at the time of the complaint leading to his murder within days. While this case was sensationalized the press leads us to believe that this was a rare incident. The truth is it was not. Incidents like this happen every day and have happened to over 2000 users who have written me in four years. Except for a few of these cases most were not reported and those that were had been treated like it was their fault. Some were even victims of the Police Themselves. What of the victims who couldn't write because they were dead. Families tend not to report their child was gay or transgendered because they are embarrassed so often the truth is hidden under the rug. Then there are those who prefer not to have their names publicized with the Transgender label next to it because they are stealth and wish to remain that way.

This is a forum not only for transgender victims to tell their story and be supported anonymously but for us as a community to discuss the heinous vilolence committed against our members every day. The first step in fighting hate crimes is to openly talk about it and show the true numbers of how much this occurs. Few have any idea the violence against us is not rare. There was not only Brandon Teena there are thousands of more victims that suffer silently. Tell us your story. Discuss violent hate crimes against Transgenders here.

I am working on a new Hate Crimes section that will open shortly on the Articles page. We can stay silent no longer.

Laura

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Guest Ryan

Yeah, this is a tremendous problem. According to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, there has been a 24% increase in anti-GLBTQ violence in the last year in the US. And, of course, transgender people are disproportionately affected by this violence.

I have been a victim of violence - nothing too severe, but enough to get me pretty shook up. It's rough, and I can only imagine what it is like for the many others who have it far worse than I do.

If you have been a victim of a hate crime or hate incident, please report it. As Laura said, violence against trans people, even hate crimes, are not recorded by the national government because trans people are not protected by federal hate crime legislation. However, it's important to have records of the violence committed against us. It's also really empowering to report, especially if you have been a victim. You can report hate crimes or hate incidents online here . There's another reporting form at www.hcdn.org, but I haven't been able to access that page recently.

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Guest Ryan

Ooh, actually, here's a better, more extensive reporting form. Go to www.ncavp.org, and at the top of the page there is a PDF file labeled 2007 Report on LGBT Domestic Violence (but it's mislabeled - the report is actually on hate crimes and bias incidents). Click on it, and on the last few pages of the document is a form that you can fill out and send to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. The rest of the document is worth reading, too.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest SharleahLynn

We do need protection fromthese horrendous doings and it is so very understandable the fear one goes through when this happens to themselves . We all DO need to make our voices heard and make the laws extend to protect us as well, after all , we are citizens of this so called free country. So we should have the same protection as everyone else, what is fair for one needs to be fair for all, or at least that is what I was taught . What all can be done to get the laws to include us as citizens to be protected by these same laws that protect the very ones that commit these dastardly deeds?

SharleahLynn

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Guest Just_Call_Me_Nick

We need protection!!!

Hate crime is a hate crime it should be for everyone...

I myself suffered from a hate crime and not even a dang report was made...

I while living in that small town back in Ms...was thrown out of a market window...and my shoulder was dislocated....and the only reason I was done in such a way was because hating "someone like me" was not against the law!

We need laws for everyone...

Nick~

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Guest Stephanie Butterfield
We need protection!!!

Hate crime is a hate crime it should be for everyone...

I myself suffered from a hate crime and not even a dang report was made...

I while living in that small town back in Ms...was thrown out of a market window...and my shoulder was dislocated....and the only reason I was done in such a way was because hating "someone like me" was not against the law!

We need laws for everyone...

Nick~

Hi Nick,

Ditto, I am trying to work with the police on a better understanding of trans people, but its not easy when the cheif constable sits in his ivory tower and won't meet people like me. He'll go on local television and radio to herald new low crime figures, but I've pointed out to them that they do not publish trans hate crime statistics, as they are burried in other catogories.

Its rumoured he is on his way out, if so, I would very much like to meet the new incumbent to see that the diversity measures i've recommended are implemented, but that that is just a start. I know its not easy for them, finances are tight which is why cso's are being deloyed, but as a result, we've lost the community beat officers, who had full police powers, nowadays they seem to all be in cars and are never there when you need them.

I no longer bother to report hate crime as nothing is ever done to stamp it out. I am regularly abused in my estate by kids as young as 3 to older teens who want to kill me "their words not mine" my house has been targetted 4 times attacked on 3 of those occasions, i've been bottled, stoned, beaten up, threatened with actual physical violence in a pub, and get this, the police asked me to leave and the abuser and his family were allowed to stay and drink up and finish their meal.

Life in the North East of England is hard for the non passable TS

Stephanie

Stephanie

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  • 2 months later...
Guest sar-bear

im sorry if i dont spell right im crying ... thats horrbilye!!! i dont even know why im replying well i think that the people who do such horrible crimes will be punshed by threefold.

well

goddess bless

love sarah

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest mtf_Emily

I don't hate the people who commit the crimes, i hate what they have done, it doesn't matter what you believe, if you are a neo cup cake or a christian or wiccan, nothing gives anyone the right to harm someone else just because you don't like how they want to live their life, my life is none of their business.

I was assaulted by 5 or 6 neo cup cake skinheads on the subway in boston, I was left for dead and hospitalized for 3 days, they never got caught, they never got looked for. I still don't really hate them, but I cannot say i would forgive them yet, I'll never be the same again, I'm too fearful to even try to pass for a woman, and I know I could easily, I did for 3 years. The cops need to be more accepting of us, PROTECT AND SERVE, not just the middle and upper class NORMAL people, ALL OF US

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Root Admin

Hi Tommy,

You were only showing how you were feeling. It's not an awful post.

Hugs,

MaryEllen :)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest julia_d

Reposted :)

Homicide Victim Identified as Transgendered Person, Duanna Johnson

Reported by: Jill Margetts

Email: [email protected]

Contributor: Shane Myers

Eyewitness News Memphis, USA

November 10, 2008

http://www.myeyewitnessnews.com/news/local...33-2b9f8fca3018

MEMPHIS, TN - Duanna Johnson was found shot to death in North

Memphis, according to her lawyer.

Memphis police say it happened just before midnight at Hollywood

near Staten Avenue, Sunday, November 9, 2008.

According to detectives, when officers arrived at the scene, they

found the body lying in the street. Police say a witness heard

gunfire and then saw three people running away from the scene.

Investigators do not have any suspects at this time.

Lawyer Murray Wells confirmed to Eyewitness News that the person who

was killed is his client Duanna Johnson. He says Johnson was often

in the area where she was killed.

Murray says Johnson was trying to leave Memphis and go back to her

hometown of Chicago. According to Murray, Jonson was just about

homeless trying to live in Memphis. He says the apartment where

Jonson was living did not have power. Murray says he was helping

Johnson buy a bus ticket to Chicago.

Johnson was the subject of an alleged video taped beating that

happened in June of 2008. Johnson, who had been arrested on a

prostitution charge, said former Memphis Police Officer Bridges

McRae beat her after making derogatory remarks about her sexuality.

Johnson said another man, Officer J. Swain, held her down during the

beating. Both officers were fired from the department.

Johnson was suing the city for $1.3 million.

Memphis Police are asking anyone with information about Duanna

Johnson's death to call Crime Stoppers at (901) 528-CASH.

http://www.myeyewitnessnews.com/mediacente...video.abc24.com

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Guest April63

Well unfortunately, we can't control everyone's lives, thoughts, and actions. Bad things happen, and there's nothing we can do except try to stop it from happening again.

April

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Guest silverpetals

Gender motive in death, cops say

Dwight DeLee is accused of killing Moses Cannon, 22, who was a transsexual.

Monday, November 17, 2008

By Matt Michael

Staff writer

this article

previous article, for context

Syracuse police are saying what the family of Moses "Teish" Cannon believed all along: Cannon was shot and killed Friday because of his sexual orientation.

Police have charged Dwight R. DeLee, of Syracuse, with Cannon's murder. DeLee, 20, is scheduled to be arraigned on a second-degree murder charge today in Syracuse City Court.

Cannon and his brother, Mark Cannon, both of 404 Arthur St., were shot with a .22-caliber rifle as they sat in a parked car in front of 411 Seymour St. about 8:45 p.m. Friday. The bullet grazed the left arm of Mark Cannon, who was in the driver's seat, and hit Moses Cannon in the chest, police said.

The brothers drove to 411 Seymour St. to attend a party. DeLee went into the house to get the rifle after guests started "making profane and vulgar comments in regards to the sexual preference of our two victims," Syracuse police Chief Gary Miguel said.

Moses Cannon, 22, often dressed like a woman and had a boyfriend. Family members called Cannon "Teish" and used "she" when speaking about him. Shaconia Williams,

Cannon's sister, said Cannon called himself a transsexual.

Mark Cannon, 18, said Sunday that he and Moses did not know DeLee, although they had seen him around the neighborhood. Sgt. Tom Connellan, speaking for the police, said Moses Cannon was not wearing women's clothing Friday night.

"There was no previous argument between these individuals, there was no previous fight, there was no bad blood," Miguel said. "Our suspect took a rifle and shot and killed this person, also wounding his brother, for the sole reason he didn't care for the sexual preference of our victim. Isn't that sad? Isn't that a sad situation that that's the sole reason why?

"I talk to you about this atmosphere of violence and that certain individuals believe that violence is the answer no matter what, and here's just another example," Miguel added.

From the outset, Cannon's family said his death should be treated as a hate crime. Family members said Sunday that DeLee's arrest did not give them any comfort.

"I don't understand. It was 8:30 at night, and they weren't causing any trouble," said Williams, . "You can put (DeLee) away for 1,000 years, and it's not going to make up for what happened."

Onondaga County District Attorney William Fitzpatrick said if his investigators determine the killing was a hate crime, his office will ask a grand jury to consider it. A hate crime is not a separate murder charge, Fitzpatrick said, but it would increase the minimum penalty from 15 years to life to 20 years to life.

Fitzpatrick said his office is still investigating. He said it's possible other people were involved and additional charges could be brought against DeLee.

Police started searching for DeLee after interviewing witnesses. He was located at 2 a.m. Sunday at a residence in Liverpool, police said.

Police listed DeLee's home address as 420 Gifford St., which is the address for the Altamont Program, an alcohol and drug abuse treatment facility. A phone call to the facility's director was not returned Sunday. Police said DeLee had prior convictions on weapon and drug charges.

Miguel said there's no indication the Cannons were lured to the party so they could be assaulted. "The person who called (to invite them to the party) is a friend," Miguel said.

Cannon's death marks the 18th homicide in Syracuse, Connellan said.

Moses and Mark Cannon often hung out together, and family members referred to them as "Bonnie and Clyde." They described "Teish" as someone who loved family and helping others.

"I'm angry. It wasn't her time to go," said Tameka Johnson, Cannon's sister. "She was so full of life and had so much left to give."

Cannon's loss leaves a void in the family that's going to be hard to fill, relatives said. On Sunday, nearly 20 relatives and friends gathered at Cannon's home to comfort each other and share stories about "Teish."

"She was always there for me," said Cannon's niece, Maniya Cannon, 10. "She would do anything to help other people."

Matt Michael can be reached at 470-3085 or [email protected]

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Guest Karen-1954

I used to think a lot about the 3 people that jumped me as I was leaving a store, they had me down in the parking lot and were kicking me when 2 young men came to my rescue. Now days I try to simply remember the 2 brave guys that saved me instead of the 3 that attacked me. By the way, the police and the store had the attitude of "so what".

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Guest Donna Jean

Karen..I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and even madder to hear of the conclusion!

My god, when is this world going to wake up and realize? But, you cannot reason with

knuckle draggers :angry:

I'm happy that you're ok, but....really upset that it happened at all...

I really don't want to get started.......

Peace....

Donna Jean

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  • 5 weeks later...
Guest Zoharstoi
Hi Nick,

Ditto, I am trying to work with the police on a better understanding of trans people, but its not easy when the cheif constable sits in his ivory tower and won't meet people like me. He'll go on local television and radio to herald new low crime figures, but I've pointed out to them that they do not publish trans hate crime statistics, as they are burried in other catogories.

Its rumoured he is on his way out, if so, I would very much like to meet the new incumbent to see that the diversity measures i've recommended are implemented, but that that is just a start. I know its not easy for them, finances are tight which is why cso's are being deloyed, but as a result, we've lost the community beat officers, who had full police powers, nowadays they seem to all be in cars and are never there when you need them.

I no longer bother to report hate crime as nothing is ever done to stamp it out. I am regularly abused in my estate by kids as young as 3 to older teens who want to kill me "their words not mine" my house has been targetted 4 times attacked on 3 of those occasions, i've been bottled, stoned, beaten up, threatened with actual physical violence in a pub, and get this, the police asked me to leave and the abuser and his family were allowed to stay and drink up and finish their meal.

Life in the North East of England is hard for the non passable TS

Stephanie

Stephanie

Has anyone been to Peter Gabriel Focus Site. I follow the links from a Cell camera story on BBC about his backing

of "Witness" a site for people around the world to use cell cameras/video 'corders to send instantly such bad behavior

to this E-Place. The Tech nowdays makes us live in a glass house where everyone can see if one looks. :mellow:

Link to post
Guest julia_d

I hope nobody minds me posting these general press releases. I think they are of enough "general interest" to warrant the copy/paste of the full articles.

Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition

For Immediate Release: Dated December 27, 2008

Another Transgender Woman Shot in Memphis

On Christmas Eve, a Memphis television station reported the shooting of Leeneshia Edwards in Memphis. She becomes the third transgender woman shot in Memphis in just six months. At last report, Leeneshia is in critical condition. We extend our hopes and prayers to Leenashia for a speedy recovery.

We also ask for anyone with any information about this latest crime to call Memphis Crimes Stoppers at (901)528-CASH.

The shooting of Leeneshia Edwards helps shed light on a disturbing trend in Memphis. Transgender women who work in the sex industry in order to survive are now being targeted by a pervasive culture of violence.

The indifferent attitude of law enforcement towards the February 16, 2006, murder of Tiffany Berry, and the February 12, 2008, beating of Duanna Johnson by Memphis Police Department officers, has sent a message that the lives of transgender people are not important. This has fed the culture of violence that has permeated the second half of 2008, and is exemplified by the July 1 murder of Ebony Whitaker, the July 28 murder of Dre-Ona Blake, a two year old girl who was killed by the man who had previously been charged with the murder of Tiffany Berry, but was allowed to walk free for two and a half years, the November 9 murder of Duanna Johnson, and now the shooting of Leeneshia Edwards.

This open season on transgender people in Memphis and elsewhere, regardless of whether or not they engage in sex work, must come to an end right now.

We call on business people who refuse to hire transgender people to open their doors immediately to transgender workers so there are alternatives to working on the streets.

We call on shelters that routinely turn away transgender people who are seeking help, to open their doors so that transgender people do not have to live on the streets.

We call on religious leaders who preach intolerance towards crossdressers and transsexuals from the pulpit to cease immediately and begin preaching messages of love and acceptance of diversity.

We call on political leaders of all parties to stop campaigning against transgender people and start supporting fully inclusive employment non-discrimination and hate crimes legislation to show that the lives of transgender people have value.

Marisa Richmond

President

The Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition (TTPC) is an organization designed to educate and advocate on behalf of transgender related legislation at the Federal, State and local levels. TTPC is dedicated to raising public awareness and building alliances with other organizations concerned with equal rights legislation.

For more information, or to make a donation, contact:

Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition (TTPC)

P.O. Box 92335

Nashville, TN 37209

http://ttgpac.com

[email protected]

(615)293-6199

(615)353-1834 fax.

I was nearly a statistic 2 weeks ago.. That's why I have been rather quiet on the forums. Still getting over being attacked in a strange town one night when I had no alternative but to travel alone after dark.. and then the night after in my home town when I was just set on for no reason whatsoever by a group of thugs. Jumped from behind and hit over the head with a bottle or something.. My past life as door security at a rock club saved my skin again.. I don't like using the skills learned i that life.. they have saved me on a few occasions before in similar situations.. It seems I can read which one to take out to frighten the others off...but it was scary getting home and seeing all the blood in my hair from the large cut caused by whatever it was they hit me with.. Again police attitude was "so what" and they wanted to arrest me for causing a bruise to one of the thugs.. until they say the size of the lump and cut on my head... and the fact it was 3 or 4 on 1. It's all a little hazy..

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  • 2 months later...
Guest SuperFlyGal

I was in SF a couple of years ago visiting, I believe, the LGBT Community Center. Two of the guys were talking about how they had found "another" dead and naked on the street. When I asked what it was about they told me that a pre-transitioned MtF was killed and the cops say she was being raped when the guy found out and killed her for it.

They said it wasn't the first time a TG MtF had been killed for the same reason.

It got me a little scared being there, but I've known how dangerous some of the streets in SF can be at dark, I was even given warnings on which ones to avoid while there.

It was still rather sad to hear about, murdering someone for such a reason so callously.

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Guest CharliTo
I was in SF a couple of years ago visiting, I believe, the LGBT Community Center. Two of the guys were talking about how they had found "another" dead and naked on the street. When I asked what it was about they told me that a pre-transitioned MtF was killed and the cops say she was being raped when the guy found out and killed her for it.

They said it wasn't the first time a TG MtF had been killed for the same reason.

It got me a little scared being there, but I've known how dangerous some of the streets in SF can be at dark, I was even given warnings on which ones to avoid while there.

It was still rather sad to hear about, murdering someone for such a reason so callously.

It is...It just doesn't make sense. :( May her rest in peace...

Link to post

I live in the same building I moved into when I first came to San Francisco. So a lot of tenants got to witness a large part of my medical transition. The only people who don't know I'm trans are new people who move in and if they don't figure it out, someone will be sure to tell them. So I never know how a new tenant is going to behave around me. One day last year, I was in the building's elevator, and when I got to my floor and the door opened, one of the new tenants was standing there, blocking my way. He said I was sick and that he was going to kill me and he was going to make sure that it happened "soon". I called the police and when they came it looked like it was going to be a waste of time. But then this guy came downstairs and I said "that's him!". He admitted to the police that he had plans to kill me!!. He was arrested and eventually was committed to the state mental hospital for 3 years. The police told me that he just doesn't understand that he can't go around threatening to kill people. He was convicted of making criminal threats, and charged with a hate crime. One of the other tenants later told me that the guy was "just" high on crack, and "probably" didn't mean what he said!!! I feel fortunate that this time the perpetrator didn't get away with it, and, I can start looking for a new place to move to because I qualify for relocation expenses paid for through the victim's defense fund. I also feel lucky to be alive.--Nova

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Valentine
Gender motive in death, cops say

Dwight DeLee is accused of killing Moses Cannon, 22, who was a transsexual.

Monday, November 17, 2008

By Matt Michael

Staff writer

this article

previous article, for context

[Article snipped]

An update on this case.

Judge allows DeLee murder case to go forward as a hate crime prosecution

by Jim O'Hara / The Post-Standard

Thursday June 04, 2009, 10:36 AM

Syracuse, NY -- County Judge William Walsh today upheld the constitutionality of the state's hate crime law in the murder prosecution of Dwight DeLee.

DeLee is charged with second-degree murder as a hate crime in the Nov. 14 shooting death of Moses Cannon. Cannon was described by his family as a transsexual who went by the name Latiesha "Teish" Green. The prosecution contends the victim was targeted because of sexual orientation.

Defense lawyer Clarence Johnson had asked Walsh to find the hate crime law unconstitutionally vague and general and unconstitutional in its specific application to DeLee.

Chief Assistant District Attorney Matthew Doran defended the statute and the prosecution of DeLee in court this morning.

After listening to the legal arguments, Walsh sided with the prosecution and allowed the case to go forward as a hate crime murder prosecution.

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  • 10 months later...
Guest Esperanza Xochitl

I don't like to talk about it much, but I've been attacked. I've had friends of mine who had been attacked. I shouldn't speak for them, but I've learned to defend myself. I think I'll leave it at that.

Link to post
Guest Esperanza Xochitl
I hope nobody minds me posting these general press releases. I think they are of enough "general interest" to warrant the copy/paste of the full articles.

Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition

For Immediate Release: Dated December 27, 2008

Another Transgender Woman Shot in Memphis

On Christmas Eve, a Memphis television station reported the shooting of Leeneshia Edwards in Memphis. She becomes the third transgender woman shot in Memphis in just six months. At last report, Leeneshia is in critical condition. We extend our hopes and prayers to Leenashia for a speedy recovery.

We also ask for anyone with any information about this latest crime to call Memphis Crimes Stoppers at (901)528-CASH.

The shooting of Leeneshia Edwards helps shed light on a disturbing trend in Memphis. Transgender women who work in the sex industry in order to survive are now being targeted by a pervasive culture of violence.

The indifferent attitude of law enforcement towards the February 16, 2006, murder of Tiffany Berry, and the February 12, 2008, beating of Duanna Johnson by Memphis Police Department officers, has sent a message that the lives of transgender people are not important. This has fed the culture of violence that has permeated the second half of 2008, and is exemplified by the July 1 murder of Ebony Whitaker, the July 28 murder of Dre-Ona Blake, a two year old girl who was killed by the man who had previously been charged with the murder of Tiffany Berry, but was allowed to walk free for two and a half years, the November 9 murder of Duanna Johnson, and now the shooting of Leeneshia Edwards.

This open season on transgender people in Memphis and elsewhere, regardless of whether or not they engage in sex work, must come to an end right now.

We call on business people who refuse to hire transgender people to open their doors immediately to transgender workers so there are alternatives to working on the streets.

We call on shelters that routinely turn away transgender people who are seeking help, to open their doors so that transgender people do not have to live on the streets.

We call on religious leaders who preach intolerance towards crossdressers and transsexuals from the pulpit to cease immediately and begin preaching messages of love and acceptance of diversity.

We call on political leaders of all parties to stop campaigning against transgender people and start supporting fully inclusive employment non-discrimination and hate crimes legislation to show that the lives of transgender people have value.

Marisa Richmond

President

The Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition (TTPC) is an organization designed to educate and advocate on behalf of transgender related legislation at the Federal, State and local levels. TTPC is dedicated to raising public awareness and building alliances with other organizations concerned with equal rights legislation.

For more information, or to make a donation, contact:

Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition (TTPC)

P.O. Box 92335

Nashville, TN 37209

http://ttgpac.com

[email protected]

(615)293-6199

(615)353-1834 fax.

I was nearly a statistic 2 weeks ago.. That's why I have been rather quiet on the forums. Still getting over being attacked in a strange town one night when I had no alternative but to travel alone after dark.. and then the night after in my home town when I was just set on for no reason whatsoever by a group of thugs. Jumped from behind and hit over the head with a bottle or something.. My past life as door security at a rock club saved my skin again.. I don't like using the skills learned i that life.. they have saved me on a few occasions before in similar situations.. It seems I can read which one to take out to frighten the others off...but it was scary getting home and seeing all the blood in my hair from the large cut caused by whatever it was they hit me with.. Again police attitude was "so what" and they wanted to arrest me for causing a bruise to one of the thugs.. until they say the size of the lump and cut on my head... and the fact it was 3 or 4 on 1. It's all a little hazy..

I heard that the Memphis chapter of Bash Back! took action in response to the murder of Duanna Johnson.

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      I too have Major Depression Disorder that comes up often enough to be a real bearcat, and in those times i just want to be left alone.  Coming out is a very stressful private thing, and crowding your child with a coming out in any way adds to the stress where it could put your child in worse danger. I will not assign a pronoun to your child without the child's permission although the message to you is to use the natal He/Him from what you say. The basic care can be done without introducing the issue of gender.  The cross gender request to your older daughter could have any number of meanings and while something to be taken into account, it should first be YOU getting counseling on helping your child with their primary issue which is the Depression because parenting children with those issues is a real burden that I too have had to deal with as well.  Gender Dysphoria if that is what it is will last a lifetime and when the depression is lifted is going to be there.  It is after all your child's life.  If the child's current mental state will not support transitioning give your child the credit for knowing themselves and what they can take day by day.  
    • Susan R
      @ChrisR Wow, this is a wonderful update and I take my hat of to you for your affirmation of her and her decision to transition. This is going to make her life so much easier from this point on. I wish all parents had the understanding and compassion that you have and I wish her the best in her continuing journey.🙂 Thank you for your uplifting update!   My best, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      @Pumela   This is a very difficult situation indeed. I would prioritize your actions with what will best keep your trans daughter safe. So obviously whatever your next decision, her life or the possibly of her harming herself has to take the top priority.   I can relate on some level as to the fear your 12 year old has in regards to coming out to you. I had a similar experience and relationship with my parents and my parents and I decided denial and suppression was the only way we could deal with the situation. It was no a good situation but that’s how it was back then 55 years ago.   You have many more resources widely available to you thanks to modern technology (the web) and slightly more acceptance in our society than years past. You do have someone that Shannon trusts enough to discuss this topic with and that’s where I would start. You can’t force her to come out to you. Would it be possible for your older daughter Chloe attend a counselor/gender therapist with you there. Have a discussion about ways she can open up a discussion with Shannon. She may be the bridge between you and Shannon. She may be able to being a catalyst for her to somehow come out in time.   It seems like Shannon really loves how you (and your partner?) treat her and is deathly afraid of you thinking less of her. Society indoctrinates many, if not most, males early on into thinking they will be thought of as weak or less than if they show any femininity. I can’t say whether Shannon’s depression will diminish once she comes out to you but I think it is part of the issue. Not attending school and the problems associated with covid restrictions on socialization likely also plays a part in her depression. If it becomes a case where she is so depressed that you worry for her safety and health then I would likely disregard her counselor’s idea to keep it private and confront the issue head on in the most loving way you can. I would keep it private between you and Shannon so not to bring undue stress on her. I would talk to a therapist before this ‘talk’ if you are unsure on your approach but it is something you may end up considering if it gets any more serious. Once Shannon knows that you accept and affirm her, I think you’ll see some positive changes in her demeanor.   I wish I could offer more. I hope it works out for you and Shannon. I hope others here share their ideas too.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Kasumi63
      Yeah, it’s International Women’s Day! (I’m in Japan, so I might be a day head of you.) Let’s celebrate the diversity of women and fight for a society where all women can pursue their dreams!   https://www.internationalwomensday.com   Be sure to page down and listen to “Choose to Challenge” by Anita Nandaula”!
    • Kasumi63
      So what do I hope people (especially transgender people and loving partners) learn from my story?     First, about communication.  Many people emphasize the importance of communication, and of course, I agree with those comments. However, I also think it’s important to consider the conditions that make free and open communication possible.  I think the most important condition is that both people feel SAFE to tell the truth. If telling the truth means being abandoned and cut off, few people will have the courage to do so. This is precisely why coming out is so painful and difficult for transgender people. And I don’t recommend that people come out—unless they have a safe place to land in the event of not being accepted. Just saying, “Let’s have a discussion,” even in a calm and loving voice, doesn’t cut it. You need to let the person know that they’ll be safe regardless of how things turn out. Of course, this cuts both ways.   Second, about third party support. Related to what I said about communication, I think each party should find an independent friend, relative, or counselor, to whom they can talk about the relationship. This is so they’ll feel safer to be more honest with their partner. I have to admit that this is one reason my wife and I have had such a hard time, neither of us have any really close friends to confide in.   Third, about self-knowledge. Some people, such as my wife, can and do give very straight answers to just about any question about their feelings and beliefs. To be honest, I am somewhat in awe of such people. Are you happy? Do you think you’re female? Are you homosexual or straight? Why are you like this? Though I’ve gotten much, much better, I’ve found most of these questions to be impossible to answer, and confusing in the extreme. Needless to say, self-knowledge is important, and perhaps another important prerequisite to good communication, but at the same time, I don’t think human beings can be reduced to simple, straightforward answers all the time. So, even though you might just want a straight answer to a simple question, the person might not even have such an answer.   Fourth, about eliciting answers. This is where communication gets really tricky. In speaking with my wife, I often used to think to myself, “What does she want me to say.” Or, “What answer would make her happy?“ Or even, “What would be the best answer to this question?” But then I would get confused and puzzled. Now I can hear everyone saying, “Kasumi, what the hell are you doing?! You shouldn’t be trying to tell the person what they want to hear; you should just be honest and answer as best you can!” I know this, but as someone who mostly confused about her own feelings, and very sensitive to how the other person feels, trying to response to their feelings often seems more honest, than not. To summarize all this, I doubt many people are as bad as me about this, but I suspect that all communication is distorted by this type of dynamic. In fact, it’s hard to even be conscious of it, but empathy and strong feelings inevitably shape all communication.   I’m afraid this has turned into another rambling note, and I suppose you can summarize all this by simply saying, that while communication is important, it’s also extremely complex and has many pitfalls. Which brings me to my final point.   Fifth, about love and respect. As I mentioned above, I think humbly treating the other person with respect is the most important thing in moving forward. I admire how the original poster (myt10) has such a deep respect for her partner. Her humble admission of “being so selfish,” when she clearly is being the opposite, almost made me want to cry. She just wants to feel safe—like we all do. I agree with what other people wrote that in his essence and in his attitude toward you, he won’t change, but I also feel pretty sure that some things are certain to change in your relationship. However, if you both treat each other with love and respect, you have nothing to fear. It’s scary, maybe even terrifying, but I hope can also feel excited and thrilled about all the new possibilities.    Please be brave and try your best to continue to be understanding and respectful of your partner! If you both can be that way, you will certainly have a wonderful adventure together. And part of an adventure is not knowing how it will turn out, while knowing it almost certainly will be something worthy of the love you’re willing to share!   I’m sending love and warm wishes from Japan—as I continue on a scary adventure of my own!
    • Pumela
    • Red_Lauren.
      Me deciding on going in to nails was purely a accident. I got my first set over the summer, and with me being hands on. It intrested me. I don't know what I would have done other wise. Retail, and food bores me. I left the manufacturing world. After being around it my whole life. Because it destroyed me body. I even was going to school for engineering at one point. I was good at it, but it really bored me, and I couldn't see my self sitting at a computer all day. 
    • ChrisR
      Update: Shortly after I posted here, I asked them where they were in their gender therapy and they said that they were pretty sure they wanted to transition. Previously they said they were not sure and I was trying to be neutral, hence the awkwardness I felt about complimenting their more feminine expression. After this conversation, I was comfortable giving compliments and they appreciated it. They just started hormone therapy this week and I really hope that they start feeling better soon. I know that it's a long road, but I'm relieved that they are moving in the right direction. 
    • KymmieL
      I am more girly than my wife. She is a tomboy.   Well my son came into the store and finally seen me in my new shirt. Of course he starts in at home, Kim possible and other BS I just ignored him. Don't know if he told my wife. If he did She hasn't brought it up.   Hope to find some info tomorrow on the transfer. Even news on the possibility of leaving would be something.   Got the bike out today. Felt good to ride again. Even if it was around town.   Kymmie
    • Kasumi63
      I bet you’re excited! Congratulations! Even if there are some painful moments, you’ll get through it! I wish you all the best!
    • Kasumi63
      Hi, myt10,  Valfole, Kay-san, and everyone else on this thread!   I have a very loving relationship with my wife, but we have been struggling with this issue for about ten years now. I just had GCS (a week ago!), and we are very close to finding a pretty happy resolution. However, this has been a long road with lots of struggles along the way, so I hope those of you here can learn from my experience, just as I can surely learn from you.   Without going into too much history, just let me explain that my wife is Japanese and we communicate in the Japanese language. We’ve been married for about twelve years, and for most of this time, I have been struggling with dysphoria and my gender identity. For a couple of years, I kept this hidden—not meaning to deceive but simply because I was struggling to make sense of everything myself. Eventually, however, it became more obvious to her what was going on—and she basically hit the roof. She used to barrage me with questions, and ultimatums, asking about my sexual orientation, gender, motivations, etc. And whenever she did, I completely shut down. I know I am fault here, too, but I simply could not share my deepest, mixed up feelings, knowing that it would mean the end of our relationship. Partly, it was because I honestly couldn’t answer all her blunt questions in the direct way she wanted; partly, it was because I was terrified of being rejected, especially knowing that I would not survive being abandoned, and also because I am extremely fond of her. Sometimes, months would go by and we’d be as happy as can be, and then something would set her off, and she would start lecturing me for hours (and I do mean hours) while I would just listen passively in silence. To be fair, from her perspective, she was struggling to communicate and just wanted answers. But from my perspective, I didn’t feel safe, confident, or secure enough to reply. On those rare occasions when I did reply, the result was more questions that would confuse me even more, leading to another shut down. Sometimes, I would try to stop dressing or transitioning for our relationship, but those efforts would never last long. Basically, she wanted me to choose between transitioning and her, and that was an impossible choice for me, so I kept wavering back and forth. There is no way I will abandon her, but I also can’t stop being my female self.   I think here I need to pause and comment about our sexual relationship. I know this is a difficult subject for everyone—and there is a ton of diverse here—but it’s obviously important for couples, if they want to clarify their relationship. As for me, I’m almost as confused on this topic as I have been about my sexual identity and orientation. Basically, when I was a man, I felt exclusively attracted to women, but what has become very clear to me over many years is that that attraction was more of an identifying with than an attraction to in the normal sense of the word. In other words, I’ve wanted to look and be like the women I’ve been with, if that makes any sense. On the other hand, whenever I was dressed as a woman, I mainly felt attracted to men and nothing excited me more than having a man be attracted to me. These were the times that I most felt like myself. For about ten years now, we haven’t had a sexual relationship at all.   And yet we love each other. Apart from this issue, we get along great. We share many of the same interests, thoroughly enjoy being with other, travel together, etc. I guess you can say we are the closest of friends. Still, there has been this gender issue, and as I’ve very slowly proceeded with my transition, the issue has become more and more difficult to ignore. And then everything came to a head when I started taking hormones—and she found them. Of course, she initially got upset, but I think something broke for her, too, and she started researching and reading up on transgender issues. At the same time, she also made up her mind to support me, instead of resisting. This in turn made it easier for me to open up, and I have gained even more respect for her. The past couple of years we have been moving forward more positively. Last year, I came out to my place of work, and last week I had GCS. I have my own apartment, but spend weekends and other times here with her. We also chat online everyday without fail. I may move back in with her in the future, but I don’t know.    I suppose another important issue in this that many people don’t like to talk about is finances, but this also has a huge impact on relationships. Luckily, I have been blessed with a great job that pays well. My wife has a decent job, but probably not enough to live where we live now. Anyway, I am determined to take care of her to the end, and she has made up her mind to be emotionally supportive and friends with me.   We will probably be getting divorced soon, maybe even this month. If you’ve read this far, you might be surprised to hear that, and I think most people think of divorce as an absolute end, but I don’t, and I don’t think my wife does either. However, this will be a big change. Obviously, she won’t be able to think of me as her husband any more (that’s been slowly changing anyway), and I won’t be able to think of her as my wife. A big reason for our decision (and it’s a negative one) is Japanese law. Here in Japan, same-sex marriage is illegal; consequently, it’s illegal to change one’s gender while being married. In other words, for me to legally become female, we have to get divorced. (I acquired Japanese citizenship many years ago.)   So what will the future bring for us? I honestly don’t know. We’re both in our fifties, and nearing retirement, and we’re both pretty down on the idea of marrying again. However, she might find someone and fall in love, and I might, too. Personally, I would love to have a boyfriend, but I don’t know if I can make any commitments. My wife seems to be the same way. Of course, I want her to be happy more than anything, and I deeply respect her for supporting me, even if it’s taken some time for her to get to this point. I will be moving to an apartment that’s very close by, and she will stay in our condo, and I do not doubt that we will stay as close friends.   Conclusions? Message of the story? I think there are many, but this has gotten way too long, so I’ll leave that for a follow up post. For now, I’ll just say that if you love and respect each other, you have nothing to fear moving foward.    
    • Aurora
      First off, I am getting really excited.  45 days and counting till April 21st for my GCS.   Then also, when I had my major surgery on my stomach area back in early 2009 for cancer.  I found that just holding a pillow over my stomach area really helped out with pain when I sneezed or cough.
    • Myles97
      Thank you so much for that!! ❤️
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