Being A Trans Man With An Eating Disorder

[Guest Jeh]

I'm an FTM, and while I don't consistently pass yet, I hope to start T in a month and a half.

Problem is, I have an eating disorder. I went to a treatment centre for anorexia 3 years ago and spent 3 months there. It was all women. I didn't even accept to myself that I was trans back then. For some reason, when I restrict I feel more feminine.

I'm a little worried that there will be fewer options out there treatment wise for me after I transition. There are a lot of treatment centres for women out there. Not so much for men.

That said, I'm currently in an outpatient program. I get stuck in a cycle of restrict-eat normally-purge-restrict but my periods of normal eating are long enough that I still maintain a normal weight.

I have a problem, though. I'm facing a lot of depression about being trans, and self hate and general world hate. This triggers my eating disorder big time. I've started purging again. I know it's not good for me. But I feel like everyone hates me because I'm trans, and my solution to that is to purge everything I eat. For some reason it makes me feel better.

I feel so bad being a trans man with an eating disorder, though.

I don't know what I'm asking. I guess I'm just looking for support and/or commiseration.

[JJ]

Your post made me think of something. The haters out there don't hate us, they hate the completely inaccurate image they have of us. And they are vastly outnumbered by those who accept and those who just don't understand but don't hate either. Sadly haters are loud and more noticable than all the decent people out there.

I do sympathize. We find many ways to cope and often they are not healthy ones. But I am glad you are getting the treatment you need and are doing better.

Probably as you progress toward transition it will lessen the pressures and things will get even easier.

Even though there aren't as many treatment centers for males I believe that there are some. It is possible that you won't need one as you begin to comes to terms with your true self.

For me at least beginning transition totally changed my relationship with food in a positive way because it changed my relationship with my body even though it greatly increased my awareness of my body dysphoria. I think the dysphoria was there all along but my awareness was suppressed.

Anytime you feel the need you can come here or go to chat . We'll be here for you. The only thing about the forums is sometimes there are times when a post isn't approve for awhile because of the time But we will get back to you and we do care

[Guest stranger]

Hmm...eating-disorders are, sadly, starting to afflict men more these days.

I have a cisgendered male friend who was hospitalized for it when he was 18...they just put him on a general psych unit, and they were able to treat him fairly effectively there.

For him it was all about control. He needed control of something, so he controlled what didn't go into his body and dang-near starved to death.

Anyway,

Like JJ said, start transitioning and it may clear.

In the meantime, try to be on your own side.

Having the gender in your head not match the one genes gave you is a difficult thing to have to live with and deal with.

Remember you're not harming anyone or doing anything wrong by becoming who you really are.

If it makes you feel better, I"m one person that doesn't hate you. You gotta really work hard to get me to hate you. OTOH, if my mind were more open, I'd construct a toll plaza.

Hang in there, mister.

[Guest Jeh]

Thanks, both of you. I'm hoping it does clear up a bit when I start passing more consistently. This "in-between genders" stage is really hard.

You're right that the haters are outnumbered. Almost all of the people I've told have reacted positively. I just inherently expect people to take it poorly though. Unfortunately, to me it only takes one person who is important to me to take it badly. My half-brother is currently unknown, he's being really evasive about it.

As for the eating disorder, I'm also pretty triggered by the treatment group I'm in, and I think that's why the eating disorder is acting up right now and then it's just seizing on other things like friendships to keep me feeling low.

I feel like an in-between person. Not only am I in-between genders, I'm also in-between eating disorders. I'm neither anorexic nor bulimic, but I have aspects of both of them.

The facilitators of the treatment program I'm in are concerned about my purging, but no one seems to know how to stop. Other than just doing it. Which is not that easy.

[Guest]

Hello Jeh,

You will get there: to that point of self acceptance where desparate actions aren't necessary. Keep the faith!

Take care,

Love, Kat