Finally, No Longer In Denial

[Guest Nawat]

From my early life I remember more about not fitting in with people than not fitting in my body. In preschool my inseparable buddy was a little boy with the masculine version of my name. Most of my early memories from elementary school are of loneliness and alienation, especially on the playground. My only friend during those early years was the girl who lived two doors down, who was only my friend when we weren’t at school as she was a year older than me. We had a lot of confusing drama because I just wanted to hang out and play video games whereas she was all about the talking and emotional contact. A good 20 years later, we still talk about once a week. It is more like we are related and she is the one that keeps us in contact—I don’t feel that close to her, but we always have to chatter about something.

Other things from elementary school: I always wanted to play football, it was the only kind of ball I could throw well; I would race the boys and always win the sprints; I wasn’t allowed to play tag because I was too fast a runner; I never liked the “cute” boys; I had to make up crushes or just like whoever my friends liked.

In middle school when I began to ride horses, I found somewhere I could forget about people and societal expectations. The girls there never made sense to me; we were friends, but not really—they were my barn friends. Same with the dance studio, I would make friends, but I never had that close connection that girls usually have. With horses though, I could just be me and we would just play. I have also always gotten along a lot better with my male trainers. They just always made so much more sense to me—the way they thought about things, the way they talked about things…The exception was when I trained with a Russian woman who was trained in Grand Prix Dressage before coming to the States.

High school was a bigger mess than even elementary school—puberty was awful. My body got soft and round. I couldn’t stand looking in the mirror. I was horribly depressed, suicidal, and didn’t want to have anything to do with the incredibly sweet, nice, polite, friendly football player who obviously had a crush on me and sat next to me in French. As I pulled into myself more and more, reading everything I could in order to figure out how to be a girl, I changed from a math geek to an English geek. I went to four different schools and homeschooled in an effort to find any sort of academic challenge in a comfortable environment.

My first boyfriend was in senior year of high school. We were basically just good friends. We hung out in his basement, did homework, watched anime, and snuggled, sometimes kissing and occasionally he would feel me up. Then we would go upstairs and eat dinner with his family before I drove home. We did this about once a week. He would always win Chess and I would always win Othello.

Then I hit college. About a month in I pounced on a boy and we were on again off again for the next five years. In that relationship, at least half the time, I was the guy and he was the girl. We were both a mess and kept our distance even as we got closer. We each healed and hurt each other in so many ways. It makes me sad to realize that I really don’t think there is anyway for us to ever be friends again. Just in the vague, I wish things had worked out differently sort of way. I don’t get really depressed about it any more. I don’t think it is all my fault and I am an awful person. I don’t think he was negligent and horrid. I don’t really, truly regret any of it—I just wish we hadn’t caused each other quite as much pain and that we could be friends after it all.

Meanwhile, I was instantly and completely in love with my first real best friend. Both of us were, and neither of us had a clue. Until junior year when she said she thought she might be bisexual, then my body responded instantly and irrevocably. So I decided I must be bi too. Of course, she was in Japan that year and my boy was just returned from Australia. So I ended up with him, and he just thought my being bi was hot.

Senior year was the biggest mess ever. Breaking up with him to date her than having that explode and trying to go back to him and instead ending up with the biggest loser I knew because I hated myself so much. Everything about that year was awful.

The year in between graduation and when I got back together with her is basically a fuzzy mess. I would be with the loser for a while, then with my boy for a while, and then a random dude who took me to Obama’s Inauguration… Mostly I would be with them when my girl and I were trying not to talk too much because she wasn’t over me and thought it was unhealthy for her. I couldn’t say anything to that, so I just tried not to talk to her when she didn’t want me to, and tried to desperately find someone who might love me despite my being a freak and horrible person.

When I was younger I never really wanted to get married, and I would go through kicks of feeling that way, but as I got older I felt that I really needed someone, especially if I was going to accomplish anything other than ending my own life. I do so much better when I am taking care of someone—not in a nurturing sort of way, but in a providing and protecting sort of way. The only person I’ve actually ever felt that I could be completely happy with is my girl, my fiancée. Everyone else—I always felt that I would be compromising something if I imagined myself with anyone else.

Finally, about a month and a half ago, I felt secure enough to allow myself to realize that I am transsexual—I am a man. Haha, I hadn’t written that sentence until just now. But it is true; I am a man. Everything about me makes more sense now. Everything. I feel so much more alive and real. I found the one who can love me truly and she helped bring me to myself. The best part is that it also explains why we seem like a straight couple—it’s because we are.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

The best part is that it also explains why we seem like a straight couple—it’s because we are.

Makes me proud when I see that! GOOD FOR YOU!

Lizzy

[Guest Aries]

^.^

*CHEER!*

[Guest Avery F]

I'm very glad you've discovered, and then accepted, what your gender identity is. Reading your story was inspiring. Thanks for posting, man.

[Guest Gauvain]

Awesome, I'm glad things seemed to have worked out for you.

[Guest Nawat]

Thanks for all the comments I like how much people post around here.

More exciting news...last night I came out to one of my older brothers and then just an hour or so ago I came out to my mother. Both are awesome. My brother was totally cool, which I figured would be the case. My mom will need a little time to adjust, but she is always totally there for me. I am soooooooo incredibly lucky when it comes to my friends and family.

Also, I haven't talked to "my boy" from the story above for a few years, but I am almost half convinced that he is MtF for many reasons. Obviously I am not really convinced since we haven't talked about any of this. The closest we came to talking about gender issues when we were dating was when we talked about sexual orientation (they aren't actually related, I don't think, but it was as close as we got). He wondered a little about if he might be gay, but he decided that he liked women's bodies too much. Unless we are able to talk someday, I will never have any idea, but it is an interesting side note.

Avery--I'm glad you found my story inspirational. That makes me feel pretty cool.

[Guest Puppy Girl]

That's because you ARE cool. In fact you're the coolest person I know. Though I may be slightly biased on the subject of how awesome you are.

*cheers you on* <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Love you, sweety!

-your puppy girl

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

That's awesome. Your self acceptance made me smile and Avery's right, your story is inspirational.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

All of this is just... well... amazing!

GRAND GRAND GRAND!

Lizzy

[Cyndee]

Very nice story indeed, thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading it today.

Very powerful and liberating understanding and accepting your gender identity !

Best wishes for the future,

Cynthia

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Nawat,

<<< hug >>>

There is a saying that the truth will set you free

I believe that

Accepting ourselves is the most important truth there is

vanna

[gennee]

Thank you for sharing your story, Nawat. It's wonderful that you finally discovered who you are. I know that you feel much better about yourself and about life.

Gennee