I Thought I Was Better Now

[Guest Thorndrop]

...but now I'm wondering if that's the case. I'm beginning to question again how bad this has really gotten.

Since about the time I turned 15, I've had a bit of an obsession/weird relationship with my weight and food. I know that the main cause of it is both being rather overweight when I was around 14 and discovering that when I lost a lot of weight I looked a lot less femenine. For around a year, I lost weight solely for health reasons, like any other dieter. I was around 170 lbs when I was 15, but as I started losing it, especially when I got to around the 120 lbs mark I noticed my chest was a lot smaller and I really liked that. My hips too. I hate my hips to this day. I have what my mum calls 'child-bearing hips' which made me feel repulsed. They're stupidly disproportionate to the rest of my body. At the time I didn't identify with being trans, but all the thoughts were definetly there, they just didn't have a name yet. So I lost more weight. By this point it was more like an obsession. I'd eat as little as I could. I wasn't nearly as restrictive as some anorexics, but I was definetly restrictive. The lowest weight I got to was 102 lbs. There was part of me that wanted to get below 100, just to see if it was possible. At this point I was almost 17 and had only just realised the link between this and being trans - I had a name for it now.

Now I knew what was bothering me, I tried to relax a bit with my habits. I purposely tried to look more masculine and the fact that I was a lot thinner helped a lot. But I still look like I'm on the large side for a guy, because of my hips. One thing I'm content with though is the fact that I don't need to worry so much about my chest and can easily hide it.

From here comes the next issue - I'm paranoid about gaining weight and being less able to pass. I'm more like 110 lbs now and I don't exactly feel that happy about it. If I had medically transitioned I don't think it'd bother me as much because being able to pass wouldn't be dependant on my weight. I stopped physically writing down the calories in everything I ate, but I only replaced it with becoming obsessed with exercise. Sort of. I'm still really physically unfit and no matter what I do, I never seem to be able to get fit or get any sort of muscle definition. I'd do pressups (what I could of them anyway) for ages at one point, and my arms were still just bone and fat. It's absolutely disgusting. And I have this pedometer - step counter - and I'd get really anxious if I hadn't walked over 10,000 steps every day. I'd just walk for no reason other than to be active. I'd pace back and forth just because. I still do. I only stopped using it a few weeks ago and now the thoughts about being restrictive are back. I never lost the part of my mind that will look at something and mentally calculate how many calories are in it. I hate the idea that I'll never lose that ability. I care, but I don't want to care. I just feel that it's inevitable that I'll put on weight again and look like a girl.

[Guest PaintedWingss]

It sounds like you and I have the same problem, except I haven't been able to lose my weight. I'm getting that you're a pear shape, like me, since you're talking about your hips, and that's gotta be one of my own challenges, besides my "blubber thighs" as I like to call them. Then again, I absolutely hate exercise besides weight training, so anything having to do with cardiac exercise is a no-go for me.

All through middle school and high school (even now) I've been no less than 160 lbs. at 5'1", and we both should know that this is overweight. I had to keep telling myself that so long as I'm healthy, I shouldn't really stress my weight nearly as much as I used to. Plus, I've found dieting works so much better for me, and I make anything sweet a once-in-a-while treat for me, and anyone who knows me knows that I have the biggest sweet tooth in the world.

Yeah, the idea of being fit and thin crosses my mind, and I'm jealous of my friends who have really fast metabolism (lucky me, I was granted a metabolism slower than molasses and juvenile diabetes - not a fun mix). But, it doesn't really bother me all that much anymore. Just think that you're lucky that you've had the luck of being able to lose those pounds that some of us just can't.

- Taylor

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Hey,

From my understanding having bulkier muscles increases the margin of error. The downside is learning how to resistance train properly. Push-up, pull-up (especially pull-ups) and the like might help with both the weight and body image issue. Another plus, resistance training increases Testosterone levels.

<3

Amy