For Those Who Aren't Transitioning

[Josie Beth]

It’s ok to go there. I have similar thoughts and experiences. All my relationships with women as a male failed, probably because even they knew that I was different and not being my true self. Now that I’m discovering myself again I don’t seek having a relationship with anyone yet but I can more honestly imagine myself with a good man in a committed relationship. I’ve always been more suited to that role even though I tried to deny it. I’m more emotional and intuitive, I enjoy domestic activities like cooking, and I’ve always been more submissive to a certain point than any of my peers. I get along better with women as friends rather than as partners. If I look back at all the subtle and not so subtle comments over the years that I’ve ignored it all makes more sense now. “You walk like a girl” so I worked hard to change that. “Your parts look glued on like your a girl”. “You’re acting like a girl, guys don’t care about if a partner is not paying attention to them”. “That’s a chick flick!” “You don’t watch sports?” “Only a woman would wear a shirt like that!” And so on. It’s easier to see now than it was at the time but it makes a lot of sense. I used to react to all this by crying alone and turning the hurt into a mask by learning masculinity. It was forced and people often saw through it after a while. Now I’m not trying to hide behind the mask anymore.

 

We all have different coping methods and some of them are destructive because they are not honest or healthy. Dressing and feeling like your true self is perfectly fine because it’s an honest expression. Even if you are not ready to show it to the world, it’s a step. It’s actually an escape to reality.

 

If it makes you feel safe and closer to love then by all means continue and enjoy being comfortable in your dress and in your dreams. 

[Tessa]

Thank you. Tonight I told my bi sexual male friend at one time I had feelings for him. I had to say it. I told him I just want to be friends and he’s ok with that. He said he was flattered He told me he had an idea this was going on. I guess what attracted me to him is he listens and pays attention to me and has never judged me. I could of kept this effection secret. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? We will remain friends. I have 2 friends. My bi sexual one and another straight man. I can only reveal my secrets to my bi sexual male friend. I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! I just want someone to love me! Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.  I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out. Just venting it helps. 

 

Tessa

[Josie Beth]

There’s no right or wrong way to express your feminine side. For years I struggled with who I was and flirted with feminine feelings only to lock them away for years because of externally induced shame. Since then I’ve grown to accept who I am and not suppress my feminine feelings. It’s liberating and I don’t care anymore if people figure it out. 

 

Don’t stress about whether or not you are ready to be or do certain things. Not beating yourself up may take some time. 

 

It’s a good idea to find a therapist to work on some of these thoughts and feelings about yourself and what your needs are. Even if it’s just someone who will listen and just go through it with you. It will help to sort everything out. 

[Terry]

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I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! ... Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? ... I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out.

 

This is more or less what gender / gender dysphoria feels to me. It's quite overwhelming, but at some point you get used to the feeling. In my case it was strong enough to force me to give it some attention, and now that I'm actively dealing with it it's more relaxed. This community has helped me a lot to find my way in that direction.

 

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I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.

 

Well, the itching is just an indication that you might need to rethink your shaving technique. It's something that can be solved easily. The real question is does it make you feel more at ease with yourself?

 

When I first shaved my body hair (before I even realised I'm on the trans spectrum) I gave up on it pretty quickly mainly because it seemed so much fuss. But when gender dysphoria hit me like a hammer it was one of the first things I started doing and it made all the difference in the world. I gradually extended it to all body hair and now I keep shaving all body hair. Especially shaving the armpits turned out to be rather important, because it's very uncommon for men, so it's something that reminds me I'm not a man when I wake up in the morning. And being reminded of who you really are in a positive way like this feels amazing.

[Tessa]

It’s not itching anymore. I put some butter cream on it. I might try shaving it again I don’t know? I shave my legs though with out any irritation. I haven’t done my armpits though. I also have a gotee. But I don’t like my face. I’m so torn between both sides. I want to be loved but I don’t feel anyone would want me. I’m not attractive as a man so I don’t think I would be attractive as a woman either. I’m sorry this is how I feel.  I revealed that I had feelings for my bi sexual male friend last night. But now I wish I wouldn’t have. We’re still friends but it’s just weird. I just posted a poem Fallen Rose. Let me know what you think of it? I think for now I’ll just stick with shaving my legs. 

 

Tessa

[Robin]

I have devoted most of my life to trying to make myself feel loved and valued.  So far, this massive effort has had the opposite effect.  I have constantly tried to please other people, and I feel guilty when I do things that are purely for my enjoyment.

 

I have realised that I must direct my energy into things that make me happy.  If I spend all of my time chasing the end of the rainbow, I will never succeed, and I will always feel unfulfilled.

 

Robin.

[Guest]

I shave my entire body (except for the hair on top of my head & my eyebrows, of course) everyday. I use an electric shaver. It is a bit of a chore & it's not an absolutely perfect job. (My dream would be to have a body that is as smooth as a baby's.) But since I no longer work I have the time. And I have found that, over time, all of the time I spend on personal grooming (which is seriously more than most males would spend) has become something of a grounding technique for me helping to relieve my ever-present anxiety.

 

There may come a time when I simply can't do all  of this shaving anymore. But for as long as I can, I expect I will. I have tried to stop a couple of times. But I just couldn't tolerate the result. I also use body lotion daily. I use a powder-scented deodorant... and baby powder. To be honest I'm not sure if all of this is being driven by my gender dysphoria or my ABDL propensities. Probably it's both because the two have been intertwined for me for many decades. I will never be able to transition...too old... too mentally fragile... & too physically worn down. (Plus I have my wife to consider.) But doing these few grooming things does help me to feel at least a bit closer to that other person who is hidden deep inside. 

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hey everyone! So, I have been thinking about posting this and in looking over the forums saw that the topic is kinda already here. So, I am one who is not able to transition, yet alone come out yet, but my heart's desire is to eventually do both. On YouTube you see other trans girls saying either that you are fine and valid if you never transition and others saying you cannot truly call yourself trans if you haven't begun or don't plan to transition because that's the a major part of being trans. I see both sides and respect them both, but it hurts a bit if I am honest, to think that I could be a fraud and just confused I guess if I never transition because by their reasoning that's part of what makes me a trans woman. I really do understand what they are saying, and I don't want to cause an issue here with potentially opposing sides, but what do you all think? To me, until very recently nobody in all human history medically transitioned because the technology simply wasn't available to do it. But all those trans individuals since the dawn of time were still trans nonetheless. So, I guess I have answered my own question, but I would still love to know what you think. I am so, so thankful for this website and for all of you. You are such a blessing to each one of us. ❤️

[Audrey]

@Vanessa Michelle, I believe that anyone can be transgender if that reflects who they are. There are no "purity tests" so to speak. If someone  feels that their sex assigned at birth and their gender identity / expression are different - that's trans. Full stop. Transitioning medically, socially, or legally is never a prerequisite. Thinking of my own experience, I thought of myself as trans long before I ever came out to anyone, let alone started transitioning. As you said, there were trans people long before it was possible to transition in the ways it's possible to do today.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Guest]

Well... First off, my understanding has been the term transgender is more of an umbrella term that includes much more than simply those who are actively transitioning from their assigned gender at birth to their target gender. But, then, I'm certainly no expert when it comes to gender-related terminology. Personally, though, I would say an individual who is not actively transitioning in some way or other (or making plans to) could still legitimately refer to themselves as transgender.

 

As for myself, I'm not transitioning in any way. And, barring something unforeseen, I never will. Plus, in addition to life-long gender dysphoria, I also have a mental health history. (Which came first is something I'll just never know.) Anyway... in my case I've made a conscious choice to view my gender dysphoria as one component of a broader mental health problem rather than to view my mental health problems as outgrowths of my gender identity issues (if that makes sense.) So, as a result, I try to avoid referring to myself as transgender. Rather, I talk about my gender identity concerns & my gender dysphoria. But I try to refrain from referring to myself as transgender because I always have, & probably always will, lead a more-or-less average male life (probably less "average" than more)... not by choice but by the circumstances of my life both past and present as well as likely future. 

 

 

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, Overalls Bear said:

First off, my understanding has been the term transgender is more of an umbrella term that includes much more than simply those who are actively transitioning from their assigned gender at birth to their target gender.

 

+1 from a non-binary person

 

Astrid

[Vanessa Michelle]

Thanks everyone!

[SheenaT]

On 5/23/2011 at 2:46 PM, JJ said:

Today I came across an older post that said what so many here who are not transitioning seem to ultimately feel. That they don't fit here because they aren't transitioning or aren't binary FTM or MTF and I wanted to address it because we sometimes forget that there are those who are looking for other support as well.

First I want to say that even though much of our discussion is about transition and transsexual related that is because those are the people who speak up the most. They come seeking reassurance or sharing a triumph. And I am sorry that there are fewer people in the other trans categories posting but I promise without reservation that you are as welcome and valued here as anyone else. You will receive support as much as anyone else. Maybe we can't always understand exactly what you feel but we do understand the impact being any kind of trans has on your life. We understand the pain and confusion and the isolation. We care. We want you here.

Please don't hesitate to post just because what you have to say is not what most are saying. Or because you don't feel accepted here. You are and what you have to say is important. It may also help others who feel as you do speak up and seek help for their pain or share their feelings. We who are TS talk about what we feel -a lot sometimes -but we are just as happy to hear and discuss what you have to say too.

You are all my brothers and sisters of the heart. I am convinced that is so for the other members here as well

You are accepted, your voice is needed here and you DO belong!

Johnny

Thank you

[Jani]

Yes this is correct! Johnny has been a stalwart member of this forum for many years.  He speaks the truth. 

[gennee]

I am transgender and came out in 2005. I didn't have surgery because I never had the desire. I also had a medical condition.  I seriously considered taking hormones but, after much research, decided against it. 

 

My spouse is supportive and I have many friends who support me. I have never been happier.  

[Jani]

Hello @gennee! I love your new Avatar.  Its nice to hear from you again.

 

Jani

[Tessa]

I find myself in a closet of thoughts that I keep to myself. I have openly admitted to many that I am female. I told my workplace and had them change my name. I came out to my mom, stepdad, brothers, kids, and friends. I openly dressed as female in front of one of my friends. 
 

I am growing my hair long and I wear panties under men’s jeans and shirts. My girl clothes are limited to panties, some bras, and a few mini skirts. I have a favorite black nightgown I wear to bed. I do my nails clear and shave my legs. Inside I am woman. 
 

I since have changed my name back to my male name. However I feel it’s a lie but I’ll keep it that way for now. I have got a lot of support on this site. I also call a Trans line once in awhile provided by my work. 
 

I also have a virtual relationship with a player in a game. I’m his girl and we have fun talking. He tells me he loves me. I know it’s fake and we will never meet but it fills part of that empty void and allows me to bring out my feminine side completely! I can dress in different out fits, throw kisses at him, and we have a home together. 
 

I also am very creative. I created a movie star boyfriend. I’m his girl and he treats me special. I write romantic stories and post them on an app. 
 

My ex wife took advantage of my love and used me to get what she wanted. Then she threw me away. I’ve always given everything I have to people. I wait to be on the receiving side! In my fantasies and virtual relationship I get to be the receiver of love which is something I never got in my previous relationship. 
 

I don’t see myself taking hrt or surgery but I don’t judge the ones who do. For me it’s more learning how to love myself and receive love. I live alone, work at home, have a few friends, see kids once in awhile, haven’t dated in a long time, but hoping and that someone will be able to love me the way I am. I changed everything for her and gave her the world! 
 

I took care of 3 children and worked 2 jobs so she could get her nursing degree. Little did I know she was saving money during this time and was going to leave me. I thought we would grow old together. She took the money and kids and ran. I was forced in a way to file for divorce. I finally found them only to get a false protection order placed on me. She lied to my children and told them I abandoned them. Her lies were revealed but the damage done. 
 

Now my oldest refuses to see me. My others are teenagers and the lack of disrespect is sometimes almost to much to take. But I won’t leave them! They know about Tessa but I choose not to dress up in front of them. My middle is trans F+M. He is hurting so bad! My boy is always angry. Ex always cut me down and made me a worthless human being in front of them. That is how they treat me. It’s hard to love them sometimes. It’s really hard to love my ex but I don’t hate her. Now she has her 300k house, bran new vehicle, and children live with her. The kids want no part in this life with her but they don’t see me suitable either. I pay child support, one bedroom, struggle working 2 jobs. 
 

Long post and if you’ve read this far I thank you! Please respond! It makes me feel good when people respond to me. I can’t say I’m happy being alone and facing these things but I am happy being away from an abusive ex. I still dream of her and wonder why she turned on such a lovely soul that gave her everything she wanted. She is still single but in my heart we’re still together. I know she hurt me but when you truly love someone no matter how bad they treat you. You hang on to the good. 
 

Now in my 40’s I search for another love. I can’t truly say if that will be a woman or a guy. Maybe I’ll be alone but I will never let anyone treat me like trash again. I’m worth more than that! Your value is found in your heart not what you can give to someone. I hope to be more on the receiving end in the next relationship. 
 

All my love, 

 

Tessa

 

 

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Tessa said:

I can’t say I’m happy being alone and facing these things but I am happy being away from an abusive ex. I still dream of her and wonder why she turned on such a lovely soul that gave her everything she wanted. She is still single but in my heart we’re still together. I know she hurt me but when you truly love someone no matter how bad they treat you. You hang on to the good. 

It is hard being alone.    I still have feelings for my own ex.   It's complicated.

[Jackie C.]

I'm still in a 29 year relationship with the love of my life. We've weathered hardships and my transition together. I still love her with all my heart and she loves me back. I wish you all the best in finding your own special someone. You deserve it. We all do.

 

The important thing to remember is that you have to love yourself first. You can only love another as much as you love yourself. That's a hard lesson to learn, especially when you've been hurt before. Work on loving yourself. That special someone will come.

 

Hugs!

[Billie75B]

On ‎1‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 9:56 AM, Robin said:

I have devoted most of my life to trying to make myself feel loved and valued.  So far, this massive effort has had the opposite effect.  I have constantly tried to please other people, and I feel guilty when I do things that are purely for my enjoyment.

 

 

@Robin I have been the same boat and over the past few month have decided that I needed to take care of  myself and get to really know Billie. I have been married 3 time the first divorced me and tried to keep my daughters from but we worked through that and now I have a great relationship with them. Number 2 passed away after 19 years of sometimes a rocky marriage, but my step daughter and I have still a great relation along with her 2 girls. Number 3 we were married nine years and her youngest daughter and her 3 boys lived with us for the last 5 years then the daughter got a job in California and they all moved including my soon to be ex wife, so on my way back to Texas from moving them to California I decided I needed to start taking care of myself.  I have started working with a gender therapist so we will see where this journey takes me, on whether I transition fully not at all or somewhere in between remains to be seen but I am good with what ever direction I go at age 64. I do know that I finally admitted that this beautiful girl resides in me and have accepted her as me and that has made me feel so much better. I also have discovered that I have tons of questions that I don't have answers to but that's ok. I have only come out to 3 people beside the therapist  2 girl friends that I used to work with and when we traveled together on business trips we always had so much fun and I always felt as though I was just one of the girls. When I told them they both said what took you so long and welcome to the club. They both knew I was trans. The third was a chance meeting of another trans lady who is the same age as me and we were put in touch with each other by my doctor so I could talk to someone also new into the medical part of transition and she and I hit it off right away and in just a few short weeks have become very close friends even though we live some 1200 miles apart. We talk at least 2 times a week. I am so glad I have found this site as it so comforting to be with so many great people and not feel so alone on this journey.

Billie.

[Robin]

Hi Billie,

 

I am delighted to hear that you have finally got the opportunity to explore your subconscious mind, and to discover ways to improve your quality of life.  This site provides an excellent environment in which to ask questions and to share your experiences.  You are certainly not alone.

 

Robin.

[susannah]

Thank you for this topic.  I really needed to see this thread.  I finally accepted that I am transgender about a year ago after years of denying.  However, I have not transitioned and likely not going to do so.  I would very much love to start HRT and transition though.  Circumstances dictate that transitioning is not possible for me. 

 

One thing is I started taking finasteride a few months ago which means I have been pushing boundaries somewhat.  It is increasingly difficult to suppress my urge to start HRT.  It looks like my future is quite uncertain.  

[Charlize]

 

10 hours ago, susannah said:

Thank you for this topic.  I really needed to see this thread.  I finally accepted that I am transgender about a year ago after years of denying.  However, I have not transitioned and likely not going to do so.  I would very much love to start HRT and transition though.  Circumstances dictate that transitioning is not possible for me. 

 

One thing is I started taking finasteride a few months ago which means I have been pushing boundaries somewhat.  It is increasingly difficult to suppress my urge to start HRT.  It looks like my future is quite uncertain.  

 

Many folks do decide to not transition Susanah but it is a pity when that is not because of their finding self acceptance.  I know i always worried about "hurting others".  Eventually after 63 years of doing my best to live the life i was "supposed" to lead i starting living the life where i could find peace with myself.  This is a life where i actually like that person in the mirror!   

We all have our own paths, timelines and ways of finding comfort.  Sharing on this site helped me look closely at where i was and moved me to seeing a therapist and acceptance of all of myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, susannah said:

I finally accepted that I am transgender about a year ago after years of denying.  However, I have not transitioned and likely not going to do so.  I would very much love to start HRT and transition though.

Hi Susanna!  It sounds like we are very much on the same timeline and goals.  Would love to start HRT but just can't yet, and transitioning more completely is a bit out of reach right now.
I have found ways to make myself feel comfortable where I am at right now, such as trying to dress as androgynous as possible, growing my hair, and finally getting rid of my lifelong facial hair that I hid behind.
I too just started Finasteride and besides hopefully curing my cis-male pattern baldness I am hoping I will be one of a "lucky few" to get some breast growth also ?

Sometime its the little things ...