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For Those Who Aren't Transitioning


JJ

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It’s ok to go there. I have similar thoughts and experiences. All my relationships with women as a male failed, probably because even they knew that I was different and not being my true self. Now that I’m discovering myself again I don’t seek having a relationship with anyone yet but I can more honestly imagine myself with a good man in a committed relationship. I’ve always been more suited to that role even though I tried to deny it. I’m more emotional and intuitive, I enjoy domestic activities like cooking, and I’ve always been more submissive to a certain point than any of my peers. I get along better with women as friends rather than as partners. If I look back at all the subtle and not so subtle comments over the years that I’ve ignored it all makes more sense now. “You walk like a girl” so I worked hard to change that. “Your parts look glued on like your a girl”. “You’re acting like a girl, guys don’t care about if a partner is not paying attention to them”. “That’s a chick flick!” “You don’t watch sports?” “Only a woman would wear a shirt like that!” And so on. It’s easier to see now than it was at the time but it makes a lot of sense. I used to react to all this by crying alone and turning the hurt into a mask by learning masculinity. It was forced and people often saw through it after a while. Now I’m not trying to hide behind the mask anymore.

 

We all have different coping methods and some of them are destructive because they are not honest or healthy. Dressing and feeling like your true self is perfectly fine because it’s an honest expression. Even if you are not ready to show it to the world, it’s a step. It’s actually an escape to reality.

 

If it makes you feel safe and closer to love then by all means continue and enjoy being comfortable in your dress and in your dreams. 

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Thank you. Tonight I told my bi sexual male friend at one time I had feelings for him. I had to say it. I told him I just want to be friends and he’s ok with that. He said he was flattered He told me he had an idea this was going on. I guess what attracted me to him is he listens and pays attention to me and has never judged me. I could of kept this effection secret. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? We will remain friends. I have 2 friends. My bi sexual one and another straight man. I can only reveal my secrets to my bi sexual male friend. I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! I just want someone to love me! Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.  I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out. Just venting it helps. 

 

Tessa

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There’s no right or wrong way to express your feminine side. For years I struggled with who I was and flirted with feminine feelings only to lock them away for years because of externally induced shame. Since then I’ve grown to accept who I am and not suppress my feminine feelings. It’s liberating and I don’t care anymore if people figure it out. 

 

Don’t stress about whether or not you are ready to be or do certain things. Not beating yourself up may take some time. 

 

It’s a good idea to find a therapist to work on some of these thoughts and feelings about yourself and what your needs are. Even if it’s just someone who will listen and just go through it with you. It will help to sort everything out. 

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I’m spinning in my head and it’s like I can’t stop! ... Why can’t these feelings go away? Why can’t I just step back into manhood? ... I’m just crazy Tessa inside trying to find my way out.

 

This is more or less what gender / gender dysphoria feels to me. It's quite overwhelming, but at some point you get used to the feeling. In my case it was strong enough to force me to give it some attention, and now that I'm actively dealing with it it's more relaxed. This community has helped me a lot to find my way in that direction.

 

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I shaved my chest hair and shouldn’t have! Now it itches. I’m in such a mess!  I’ll be ok though. I’ve done this before. Once the hair grows back it will stop itching.

 

Well, the itching is just an indication that you might need to rethink your shaving technique. It's something that can be solved easily. The real question is does it make you feel more at ease with yourself?

 

When I first shaved my body hair (before I even realised I'm on the trans spectrum) I gave up on it pretty quickly mainly because it seemed so much fuss. But when gender dysphoria hit me like a hammer it was one of the first things I started doing and it made all the difference in the world. I gradually extended it to all body hair and now I keep shaving all body hair. Especially shaving the armpits turned out to be rather important, because it's very uncommon for men, so it's something that reminds me I'm not a man when I wake up in the morning. And being reminded of who you really are in a positive way like this feels amazing.

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It’s not itching anymore. I put some butter cream on it. I might try shaving it again I don’t know? I shave my legs though with out any irritation. I haven’t done my armpits though. I also have a gotee. But I don’t like my face. I’m so torn between both sides. I want to be loved but I don’t feel anyone would want me. I’m not attractive as a man so I don’t think I would be attractive as a woman either. I’m sorry this is how I feel.  I revealed that I had feelings for my bi sexual male friend last night. But now I wish I wouldn’t have. We’re still friends but it’s just weird. I just posted a poem Fallen Rose. Let me know what you think of it? I think for now I’ll just stick with shaving my legs. 

 

Tessa

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I have devoted most of my life to trying to make myself feel loved and valued.  So far, this massive effort has had the opposite effect.  I have constantly tried to please other people, and I feel guilty when I do things that are purely for my enjoyment.

 

I have realised that I must direct my energy into things that make me happy.  If I spend all of my time chasing the end of the rainbow, I will never succeed, and I will always feel unfulfilled.

 

Robin.

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  • 1 year later...

I shave my entire body (except for the hair on top of my head & my eyebrows, of course) everyday. I use an electric shaver. It is a bit of a chore & it's not an absolutely perfect job. (My dream would be to have a body that is as smooth as a baby's.) But since I no longer work I have the time. And I have found that, over time, all of the time I spend on personal grooming (which is seriously more than most males would spend) has become something of a grounding technique for me helping to relieve my ever-present anxiety.

 

There may come a time when I simply can't do all  of this shaving anymore. But for as long as I can, I expect I will. I have tried to stop a couple of times. But I just couldn't tolerate the result. I also use body lotion daily. I use a powder-scented deodorant... and baby powder. To be honest I'm not sure if all of this is being driven by my gender dysphoria or my ABDL propensities. Probably it's both because the two have been intertwined for me for many decades. I will never be able to transition...too old... too mentally fragile... & too physically worn down. (Plus I have my wife to consider.) But doing these few grooming things does help me to feel at least a bit closer to that other person who is hidden deep inside. 

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  • 4 months later...
Vanessa Michelle

Hey everyone! So, I have been thinking about posting this and in looking over the forums saw that the topic is kinda already here. So, I am one who is not able to transition, yet alone come out yet, but my heart's desire is to eventually do both. On YouTube you see other trans girls saying either that you are fine and valid if you never transition and others saying you cannot truly call yourself trans if you haven't begun or don't plan to transition because that's the a major part of being trans. I see both sides and respect them both, but it hurts a bit if I am honest, to think that I could be a fraud and just confused I guess if I never transition because by their reasoning that's part of what makes me a trans woman. I really do understand what they are saying, and I don't want to cause an issue here with potentially opposing sides, but what do you all think? To me, until very recently nobody in all human history medically transitioned because the technology simply wasn't available to do it. But all those trans individuals since the dawn of time were still trans nonetheless. So, I guess I have answered my own question, but I would still love to know what you think. I am so, so thankful for this website and for all of you. You are such a blessing to each one of us. ❤️

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@Vanessa Michelle, I believe that anyone can be transgender if that reflects who they are. There are no "purity tests" so to speak. If someone  feels that their sex assigned at birth and their gender identity / expression are different - that's trans. Full stop. Transitioning medically, socially, or legally is never a prerequisite. Thinking of my own experience, I thought of myself as trans long before I ever came out to anyone, let alone started transitioning. As you said, there were trans people long before it was possible to transition in the ways it's possible to do today.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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Well... First off, my understanding has been the term transgender is more of an umbrella term that includes much more than simply those who are actively transitioning from their assigned gender at birth to their target gender. But, then, I'm certainly no expert when it comes to gender-related terminology. Personally, though, I would say an individual who is not actively transitioning in some way or other (or making plans to) could still legitimately refer to themselves as transgender.

 

As for myself, I'm not transitioning in any way. And, barring something unforeseen, I never will. Plus, in addition to life-long gender dysphoria, I also have a mental health history. (Which came first is something I'll just never know.) Anyway... in my case I've made a conscious choice to view my gender dysphoria as one component of a broader mental health problem rather than to view my mental health problems as outgrowths of my gender identity issues (if that makes sense.) So, as a result, I try to avoid referring to myself as transgender. Rather, I talk about my gender identity concerns & my gender dysphoria. But I try to refrain from referring to myself as transgender because I always have, & probably always will, lead a more-or-less average male life (probably less "average" than more)... not by choice but by the circumstances of my life both past and present as well as likely future. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Overalls Bear said:

First off, my understanding has been the term transgender is more of an umbrella term that includes much more than simply those who are actively transitioning from their assigned gender at birth to their target gender.

 

+1 from a non-binary person

 

Astrid

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  • 2 months later...
On 5/23/2011 at 2:46 PM, JJ said:

Today I came across an older post that said what so many here who are not transitioning seem to ultimately feel. That they don't fit here because they aren't transitioning or aren't binary FTM or MTF and I wanted to address it because we sometimes forget that there are those who are looking for other support as well.

First I want to say that even though much of our discussion is about transition and transsexual related that is because those are the people who speak up the most. They come seeking reassurance or sharing a triumph. And I am sorry that there are fewer people in the other trans categories posting but I promise without reservation that you are as welcome and valued here as anyone else. You will receive support as much as anyone else. Maybe we can't always understand exactly what you feel but we do understand the impact being any kind of trans has on your life. We understand the pain and confusion and the isolation. We care. We want you here.

Please don't hesitate to post just because what you have to say is not what most are saying. Or because you don't feel accepted here. You are and what you have to say is important. It may also help others who feel as you do speak up and seek help for their pain or share their feelings. We who are TS talk about what we feel -a lot sometimes -but we are just as happy to hear and discuss what you have to say too.

You are all my brothers and sisters of the heart. I am convinced that is so for the other members here as well

You are accepted, your voice is needed here and you DO belong!

Johnny

Thank you

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Yes this is correct! Johnny has been a stalwart member of this forum for many years.  He speaks the truth. 

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