Open The Circle, I'm Here

[VickySGV]

Hi I'm Vicky, and "he's" an alcoholic!

Ok, had to give my credentials by exhibiting a bit of Alcoholic thinking there!

Checking the ticker of one steps I keep, I am at 972 days for this attempt which began as the result of a multi year relapse after nearly 16 years sobriety which had begun in the late 80's.

It was actually my Gender Identity issues that got me 1)into the relapse, and 2) Into the realization that I was Transsexual via my last ditch effort to die a little more peacefully. (only another alcoholic will be able to follow this one, but thats what the board title is)

The last ditch effort I am talking about was that I had relapsed in late 2006 and in early 2008, I had told my regular physician about my "compulsive cross dressing urges", and was in the normal round about fashion of alcholics trying to get a referral to my health plan's mental health services. Instead, without getting me to admit how much I was drinking at the time, he had given me an antidepressant and a antianxiety drug, which made me happier about drinking and less anxious about the consequences of it. In reality, my alcohol bills were about $30/per day at the time, and not good liquor either. I ran out of the antianxiety drug while my doctor was on vacation the next October and was going cold turkey and had to come in to the duty physician who was covering for my doctor. He sent me over to the Chemical Dependency Clinic!! Hey, I did not want recovery then, I wanted to croak!! I was confused enough then that I did talk about my gender issues with the intake counselor at the CDR, who surprised the heck out of me by simply saying, that once I was detoxified, we could get going on it seriously! I was hopitalized for 4 days and my blood pressure went from loaded gun life threatening, to life sustaining. A point they made to me was that unsupervised withdrawl from alchol is twice as likely to kill you as any other type of cold turkey. The ward nurse who had charge of my life finally explained to me that they had gotten some blood back in my alcohol stream at last, and that I was going to be sent a little closer to home in a "day care program". This was for another 4 weeks of days, and then about 9 to 12 months of a series of night sessions.

In the third level of the night sessions, we went into the "trigger" emotional circumstances of our relapse, and it was in April 2009 just after my 90 day Chip, that my therapist had put me in a new direction, I had thought my problem was just Cross Dressing, but he pointed to a document that he had pulled two weeks before after a session we had had, it was the WPATH SOC!! In going over what I had discussed with him, he pointed to the full array of conditions that lead to a diagnosis of Transsexual. Two days later, I CAME OUT during one of my group sessions, and a week later, the supervising psychiatrist of my program asked me to make an appointment with him. Total shock, but my therapist, the group leader therapist and the MD were all there, and they had made a check with the Health Plan administrative office and had found the Endocrinology provider approved by the HP to start me on HRT. OMG!! I will need to go back in another few months to get it, but the computer has my surgery referral letter in it just waiting to be had.

I am no longer fragile about being around booze, and taking my 4 little pills each day is a total celebration of life that translates out to no desire to use. Theres more to the whole story, but getting sober does clear up so many problems, and to me at least, its an answer at last to Serenity.

[Guest]

Hi Vicky,

It's so good to have beaten the demons!

Before I stopped the denial, I was plagued by addictions too. It's amazing now to feel so healthy and balanced without that unsatisfied longing that led me to bad things.

It will get better!

Thanks for sharing your story...

And, by the way, WELCOME TO LAURA"S PLAYGROUND!

Love, Kat

[Michelle 2010]

So welcome to this little corner of cyber reality, my name's Michelle and I'm an alcoholic. Good to hear a piece of your story... Gee, who could have guessed that Trans issues could make someone want to numb out with substances, go figure!

I had the lead at a meeting this morning and the topic was "Life on Life's Terms". What a concept huh? Not so easy for the person struggling with the issues of substance abuse and/or Gender Disphoria. Its good to be sober today and able to find my way through the minefields of my gender issues.

Incidently, there is a recovery based chat, kind of informal right now, at 9pm Sunday. Its in the church basement, er.., chatroom here at Laura's and requires a separate registration and brief interview. The chat mods are friendly and screen only to filter out pervs who may enter. Hope to see you there!

Best wishes

Michelle

[VickySGV]

Kat & Michelle -- Its good to be here, and alive!! I'll give the chat thing a look in a Sunday or two, if I can ever figure out the language being used in them. I actually signed up on the Chat board before I got to the main event here. It says in the fine print that I am beginning RLT right now, but I have not been to an AA meeting in Vicky mode yet, thus my wisecrack about "he's an alcoholic" in my OP. One group where I sorta, kinda, brought the GID into my sharing did not go over well with a rather stuffy "we only discuss alcohol" comment from the secretary, so I put the issue on hold, and in the meantime found a TG Support group on that group's meeting night. Even in the support group, the moderator and three of the other girls can all show off chips at various stages.

[Guest Jan Jane]

Vicky... unfortunately the secretary was at least partially right about singleness of purpose in AA but missed an important fact... the quote says "confine our discussion to our issues AS THEY RELATE TO ALCOHOL." If I'm going to drink over CD issues, I get to talk about it. Or politics, or religion, or my dog's lack of toilet training... but only as it relates to my desire the take that first deadly drink.

Jan Jane

[VickySGV]

I just referred to this topic in a reply to another member about their questioning of alcohol use. Its strange to think I wrote it as long ago as I did, but other than the sober time now which is 4 years and 10 months, and the little fact that I am nearing 7 months post-op and now help as a chat moderator for the AA/NA Chat, I value the sobriety that has brought me to this community and the members of it that are in places I have found myself. One of the things for us in the AA tradition is that we pass along the help, and yes the joy we have found in our lives by getting beyond an enemy that was going to destroy us.

[Michelle 2010]

Good stuff Vicky! The reality is the wisest stuff I know was learned from others and the dumbest was what I thought up on my own, lol! Who knew that the last stop on the block would be the best one

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest Raelene]

Odd that substance abuse has roots in deeper issues, or maybe not so odd, come to think of it. I too spent a goodly part of my past feeding addictions of one type or another. Just be glad it wasn't meth! I spent some time incarcerated for that one, and although I had a lot of "time" to deal with other issues, the real one never surfaced. Once I REALLY looked for the truth, then the alcoholic thing just shriveled up and died. Now, if I can do that with smoking! I'm on a roll, so who knows?

May you live life in peace

Rae

[Guest]

Good for you Rae. Hug. Jody

[Guest]

Hi I'm Vicky, and "he's" an alcoholic!

Ok, had to give my credentials by exhibiting a bit of Alcoholic thinking there!

Checking the ticker of one steps I keep, I am at 972 days for this attempt which began as the result of a multi year relapse after nearly 16 years sobriety which had begun in the late 80's.

It was actually my Gender Identity issues that got me 1)into the relapse, and 2) Into the realization that I was Transsexual via my last ditch effort to die a little more peacefully. (only another alcoholic will be able to follow this one, but thats what the board title is)

The last ditch effort I am talking about was that I had relapsed in late 2006 and in early 2008, I had told my regular physician about my "compulsive cross dressing urges", and was in the normal round about fashion of alcholics trying to get a referral to my health plan's mental health services. Instead, without getting me to admit how much I was drinking at the time, he had given me an antidepressant and a antianxiety drug, which made me happier about drinking and less anxious about the consequences of it. In reality, my alcohol bills were about $30/per day at the time, and not good liquor either. I ran out of the antianxiety drug while my doctor was on vacation the next October and was going cold turkey and had to come in to the duty physician who was covering for my doctor. He sent me over to the Chemical Dependency Clinic!! Hey, I did not want recovery then, I wanted to croak!! I was confused enough then that I did talk about my gender issues with the intake counselor at the CDR, who surprised the heck out of me by simply saying, that once I was detoxified, we could get going on it seriously! I was hopitalized for 4 days and my blood pressure went from loaded gun life threatening, to life sustaining. A point they made to me was that unsupervised withdrawl from alchol is twice as likely to kill you as any other type of cold turkey. The ward nurse who had charge of my life finally explained to me that they had gotten some blood back in my alcohol stream at last, and that I was going to be sent a little closer to home in a "day care program". This was for another 4 weeks of days, and then about 9 to 12 months of a series of night sessions.

In the third level of the night sessions, we went into the "trigger" emotional circumstances of our relapse, and it was in April 2009 just after my 90 day Chip, that my therapist had put me in a new direction, I had thought my problem was just Cross Dressing, but he pointed to a document that he had pulled two weeks before after a session we had had, it was the WPATH SOC!! In going over what I had discussed with him, he pointed to the full array of conditions that lead to a diagnosis of Transsexual. Two days later, I CAME OUT during one of my group sessions, and a week later, the supervising psychiatrist of my program asked me to make an appointment with him. Total shock, but my therapist, the group leader therapist and the MD were all there, and they had made a check with the Health Plan administrative office and had found the Endocrinology provider approved by the HP to start me on HRT. OMG!! I will need to go back in another few months to get it, but the computer has my surgery referral letter in it just waiting to be had.

I am no longer fragile about being around booze, and taking my 4 little pills each day is a total celebration of life that translates out to no desire to use. Theres more to the whole story, but getting sober does clear up so many problems, and to me at least, its an answer at last to Serenity.

Truthfully I had never seen this thread, I was a little confused until I saw the date. Awww... Vicky I want to give you the biggest hug! You have come such a long way and are still very much an inspiration to me. I also have to ball up my skinny little girl fists and say to "Him" This is my sobriety! All mine and not yours, you can never take that away from me again! May he rest in peace. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

I'm simply glad to read this thread. Somehow i had never seen it. That is probably because at the time, while i had 4 years of sobriety, i was just beginning to allow myself to venture forth as myself while sober. I had yet to find Laura's and i was struggling with the thought that my very existence was a character defect.

Finding other alcoholics here helped me to understand that i was "one of those things i cannot change". Acceptance became key. Having a program and a willingness to work towards my understanding of a higher power continues to help me to this day.

Thank you for being here.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

[Guest]

I'm simply glad to read this thread. Somehow i had never seen it. That is probably because at the time, while i had 4 years of sobriety, i was just beginning to allow myself to venture forth as myself while sober. I had yet to find Laura's and i was struggling with the thought that my very existence was a character defect.

Finding other alcoholics here helped me to understand that i was "one of those things i cannot change". Acceptance became key. Having a program and a willingness to work towards my understanding of a higher power continues to help me to this day.

Thank you for being here.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

I'm an alcohol, my problem is Jody. I'm glad this thread bumped. I will only get the one AA meeting in Bangkok. I tried too go Friday night but the cabby cheated me. "I take you, two hundred baht." wait a minute it's one hundred fifty bahts away. "Two hundred bahts!" ok (thinking no tip for you fella). "Where you from?" I told him USA. I had picked this hack up with great difficulties in front of SevenEleven. Weekends are busy most cabs full. This only .3km from soi 125 where I stay at Nantra De Comfort hotel.

He drives away without dropping the meter. No way in hell was this going to become 300 baht! He drove to the right turn and went straight, on to PAI (my surgeon) uturn, stopped looked at the card for Nanta Ekamai hotel. (my AA landmark) drives back down Sukhumvit 55 past my alley, then turns the wrong way again taking me out and back Sukhumvit 53 (half way to my tatoo shop). Joyrides me back to De Comfort and stops at the front door. "No De Comfort, Ekamai!" "Sorry, so sorry" with his hand out. I showed him the money, snatched it back. "NO BAHTS FOR YOU, YOU NO TAKE ME EKAMAI, CALL A COP!" I stormed out of the cab stiffing him! Boy did I ever need a drink! I didn't though.

I'm done with cabs. If I can't walk there, I don't go there. I pass.

[Charlize]

Jody, If you need a meeting and can get enough bandwidth for Skype there are good trans* meetings on Thursdays and Saturdays. I love them. I can spread my legs, put them up in comfort and spend the hour of a real time meeting. Tonight's meeting was lovely! I had made the mistake of wearing a knee length skirt to my home group on Tuesday and spreading my legs would have played too heavily on the attraction rather than promotion thoughts of AA. Not that i'm particularly attractive at this point post op.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I'm simply glad to read this thread. Somehow i had never seen it. That is probably because at the time, while i had 4 years of sobriety, i was just beginning to allow myself to venture forth as myself while sober. I had yet to find Laura's and i was struggling with the thought that my very existence was a character defect.

Finding other alcoholics here helped me to understand that i was "one of those things i cannot change". Acceptance became key. Having a program and a willingness to work towards my understanding of a higher power continues to help me to this day.

Thank you for being here.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

Agreed. It's nice to know if there's ever a slip up with me that there are other members that know what I'm going through and won't silently judge away

Edited August 23, 2015 by Kayla Grace
post edited to combine 2 posts

[VickySGV]

Well, I made Seven Years of one day at a time steps. Something to make me want to stay this way.

[Charlize]

Congratulations Vicky! You are an inspiration. I remember thinking 7 years was impossible.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

[Guest]

I stumbled on this by accident tonight. It was a nice Christmas treat to go back to Bangkok. I guess I didn't act very ladylike. Somewhere under my moon and stars, which is his mid morning, I wish him and his family a happy holiday and sorry for being a petty MissB. I could have afforded the lousy cab fare. My bad.