....scared

[Guest Lucy C]

Hello I though I should tell my story but to be honest I don't know where to begin.. I'm sorry Well I'm 'male' 22 and living with family. I been fighting my self over things for a long time but more and more I start to understand things, who I am and its not something to be ashamed of.. its taken me a while to get my self to post and I'm sorry for spelling grammar mistakes.

Well growing up I knew I was diffent I could never place my finger on it being dyslexia meant I was kind of treated as the dumb kid but it wasn't that... even thought I used that as excuse for more of my life. I speat most of my time alone or in a fantasy world. In the world(s) I was a girl but I never said anything since I was so self confidence since my big brother normally bullied me very very heavily and 'Gay' was one of his favorite insults (I knew it wasn't but it just made me so scared what they would say if they knew what was running thought my head.) My brother made my life hell not just me my the rest of my family as well. So for so long I was shamed of the feelings and I stop caring how I looked since I truely hated my body. I went though phases of wishing I could wake up a girl but as I went to high school I kind of tired to be a guy but I always felt like out phase. I buried it under things to fill my head like computers or art. Even though out high school I grew my hair long I kept it in till I moved. Though high school I remember joining a art site (I love drawing) and I'm kind of ashamed to say I preteaded to be a girl on that site, I still feel guity for lieing about it but I was happy being more my self. It didn't last since I knew how desiving people was horrible (it wasn't sexual it was just being more femine but its still wrong to do that and please don't judge me on that.) I ran away form from that side feeling guilty. I remember wanting to wear my moms/sister clothing but I'm coward by nature and couldn't built up the courage. Over the last few months I stopped running and start to understand things and little things make sense! I looked up I found I wasn't alone but I know it might sound dumb but I still scared even now.

When I first tried my sister clothes it was so freeing! When I dress up or do my make up I'm happy, truly happy I kinda feel like I'm free. I'm starting to embrace my femine side and I'm so much happier. I was smiling for days the first time I shaved my legs. I stopped hiding things I liked because I was scared. Every time I try on my sister clothes I get annoy how my body doesn't fix like it should (Im skinny and have broad shoulders ) and I kinda wish breast to fill out the dresses I try on. its not sexual thing but I do hate my that im male.

I'm going to my doctor about getting things going this Wednesday. To start the transtion up but the more days that pass the more scared I'm getting about what I'm going to say. What hes going to say and do about me wanting to do gender therapy. I just want to know what people think.

[Drea]

Therapy is about self exploration.

Therapy does not define a specific course of action. By all means seek out therapy if this is affecting your life. It is the starting point of transition, but can also be helpful if one doesn't transition. So there is no need to have any anxiety over commitment at this time and therapy can only lead one in a positive direction no matter where that may lead.

As far as what your doctor is going to say, what can he say? I am not the most familiar with the NHS there. From what I heard it may be that you get referred to a more general mental health professional first. That can be useful in its own right and from there you can seek referral to a gender therapist or acceptance into one of the gender clinics.

Transition itself isn't an all or nothing proposition. There are many options, essentially a combination of treatments that can be applied as your personal needs require.