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Cutting And Self Abuse


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On 29/08/2007 at 0:26 AM, Flint said:

I've been a self harmer for 3 years now maybe a bit longer, it was hidden for a whlole year till i got rushed to hospital one night and the doctors found the cuts, then i got transfered too a phyciatric ward they suggested the rubber band thing i tried it but it didn't really work with me. In many ways i'm cutting to live i suppose. i'm sure i'd do something much worse if i didn't.

I have never self harmed but have been close to it at one point in my life. It was like a way to prove to myself how worthless me & my body was, a way of proving to myself that I was a worthless "thing" rather than a person. I wonder if anyone else has ever had those thoughts whilst self-harming?

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Carolyn Marie

William, I've talked to many who have felt exactly like that.  If you ever feel like that again, please post in this forum, or go to the forum chat, or the regular chat, to talk with a Moderator.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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  • 2 years later...

I know when I was first going into the process of realizing I was trans was the biggest time that I've ever wanted to self harm. I would take a blade and sit against my wall crying with it pressed to my skin. After the first few weeks of small marks I threw the blade across the room and thought to myself that when I'm doing something one yesr, and someone looks at my wrist do I really want them to see that? Do I want to be reminded of my rough times? And the answer was no. I realize that not many people can do that after the feel the "releif" that self harm or cutting gives, but for me that's what did it. 

I have synesthesia, a combining of my senses, three different forms of i t: the one that applies here is mirror touch. When I get depressed, anxious, irritated, or just want to harm myself I can physically feel it on my body. It's normally my wrists that start first, then my legs and torso. It's all very scary and makes the urge to actually harm that much worse. But I get through it by wanting to save my body for the sketches that I do whilst in those states of negative emotions. I want to get them tattooed eventually.

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  • 1 month later...

I was a cutter in high school. Didn't care if I got caught. I actually think I wanted to get busted so someone would do something, but never did. Now, years and years later, I still engage in self harm, just of a different sort: I withhold food. Back in September I weighed 305lbs. I'm diabetic, and my doc was concerned so he put me on a low carb diet. I used to eat for comfort, and tell myself that I deserved to be fat. Now, whenever I get hungry, I remind myself that I deserve to be hungry and dizzy and weak, and I'm not worth the price of the food my body is asking for. So I eat 20 carbs a day, and only eat once a day. I've lost 55 pounds, but I'm still fat so I'm not stopping. Would you consider that harmful? 

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  • Forum Moderator

Loosing weight if one is clinically obese is not in itself harmful.  That being said i would definitely talk to your doctor and try to follow the diet given without the severity.  Perhaps at the same time you might discuss your actions regarding diet with your therapist.

I would love to congratulate you on that loss of weight but if your hurting yourself it could be as negative as positive or worse especially if you have a diabetic problem.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

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You should never be weak and tired because you’re not eating. It’s harmful to your body in so many ways. And they’re ways you won’t feel till it’s too late. From your skin to your heart and brain.

20 carbs a day is a solid carb total. But you still need 1500 or so calories and lots of greens and fiber. A healthy diet is a good starting spot for personal change. Congratulations on losing 55! That’s truly awesome! Just be smart and healthy too. 

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killjoyaiden

FOR PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVED ONES WITH EATING DISORDERS:

 

I am still in the process of recovering from anorexia. I was weak constantly. I could barely move without getting a dizzy spell, sometimes I would get them just laying down. I didn't realize how close I was to being in the hospital until I started recovery. Starving yourself doesn't help your body. You may lose weight at first, but it actually just makes it harder to lose weight in the long run. Skipping meals decreases your metabolism so badly that, like me, you may not lose any weight at all but still be eating close to nothing. I would fast for at least 24 hours, then eat no more than 300-400 calories and the absolute maximum. For almost a year, my weight stayed at a solid 125.

Now, that weight sounds like a healthy weight, until you find out that I started this when I weighed 170. If I started losing the amount of weight i did now, i would weigh 75 pounds. It would be different if I lost the weight in a healthy way. 

 

So, starving yourself may sound like a good idea now, but it really, really hurts your body in the long run. I still have stomach problems, my bowels are completely screwed up, my head always feels.. off; either pressure, headaches, or dizziness, or all of the above. It's just not worth it. 

 

I went through it. I know the mindset. I know how it twists your perception. But, trust me, it's not good for you. Your body doesn't have a secret agenda to gain weight. Your body can't run on as little as possible. You can be sitting around, watching tv and still burn up to 1400 calories in 24 hours. If you eat the minimum recommended 1200 for younger teens, you'd still be burning more than you're taking in, and your body can still function somewhat normally. 

 

To anyone who knows someone with an eating disorder/bad eating habits:

 

JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE COLORBLIND DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SEE THE COLORS!!

 

We may know we have a problem, but it's an addiction; an obsession. You can't expect a heroine addict to just drop it all of a sudden and never turn back. They need medical help for withdrawals and healthy coping skills. People with eating disorders are the same way. Our bodies are stuck in this "survival mode" because we're not giving it what it needs, so we need to slowly bring it back to normal functioning. Eat a little bit more each day/week, fill up on fluids, get your body back into the swing of things. Like a substance addiction, this can't be fixed overnight. It takes time, money, and effort. But, it's possible, and it's worth it. Just remain consistent with the right treatments, stay positive, don't get frustrated, remain patient, and remind them that you love them. 

 

I'm beginning to see the sunrise now. I read some journal/blog entries from last summer when I was at my lowest, and it seemed like I would never get out. It seemed like I was stuck. If anyone seemed to be incurable, it was me. But here I am, eating a healthy amount of food. 

 

It may seem impossible, but it's not. 

 

My messages are open for anyone who has questions or would just like to talk.

 

I love all of you.

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

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Thank you both for your responses. :) I know you're right, and I've been honest with my therapist about it. She's working on it, lol. She's concerned I'm developing an eating disorder. She's really good, so I'm in good hands, but after she showed concern I thought I'd share and see if you all thought it was something to be concerned about. I often don't get anywhere near 1500 calories, so I'll try to make myself eat some strawberries or something. I just feel so horrible about myself whenever I eat "normal" foods. 

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  • 1 year later...

I never was into cutting myself, but I did stuff larger and larger objects deep as possible up my butt. If it didn't hurt, it wasn't big or deep enough. I did testicle stirring with syringe needles to try to kill those horrible things between my legs. I had even plans of castrating myself, either by burdizzo or surgery. Came real close to doing it several times. Now that I have come out to my wife and started transitioning, I rarely get the urge to do these things. When I do, I think about the fact that I might need that stuff for vaginalplasty. That helps. There may just be a light at the end of this tunnel. I've never mentioned this to anyone. This life seems so difficult. It shouldn't be that way. My wife doesn't understand dysphoria. She just keeps telling me, "Why can't you just be a woman to yourself and not let anyone else know". Hell, I barely understand it myself, but I have it. Always there to torture me.

 

Jamie

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