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Coming Out To Wife and HRT


Guest OutOfSorts180

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Hi Natasha:

Thanks for your thoughts/advice. It is appreciated.

I wish things were so easy that just by having one's wife in on the loop from the beginning things would go smoother. I don't disagree that that is the ideal situation, but let's face it, telling one's spouse that you're going to change gender is not your every day kind of thing you discuss.

As much as I want to believe that I know my wife, in this particular case, I have no idea what her reaction is going to be. I definitely don't expect her to react with "Oh wow! Great! How can I help!" And as much as I'd like to believe that I would be strong/resolute with my decision when I tell her, I really don't know how I'm going to react once I see/hear her reaction, which I will expect to be a blend of anger, disgust, and dismay. Which then leaves open a chance that I could end up backing down to maintain the peace. So...to some degree, me keeping the endo appointment (but NOT starting HRT until after telling the wife) is a big emotional/psychological security blanket for me to help me with my resolve. (Besides, I expect this would be the last thing I would do without her knowledge.) Does that make any sense?!?

In any case, thanks again for your advice.

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Tasha --- PS: I just read your profile. Wow. Especially your wife. I can see / understand why you gave the advice you did. Your wife sounds like a very understanding and compassionate person. Not that mine isn't either. But I think the big difference is that your wife already knew about your cross dressing, etc. My wife hasn't a clue. And...ethnically, we both come from a very conservative family background. So while my wife is a loving person, I don't expect her to be very "open/receptive" with the idea that I'm transgendered. And when I do tell her, I'm essentially going to be blind siding her. So again, I don't expect a lot of support from her...at least not initially, if at all.

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Hi All:

Well...as it turns out, my 1st appointment with my endo on Monday got screwed up (glad I called to confirm), so I had to reschedule to today (Wednesday). As it turns out, it worked out better for me as my wife is/was out of town with some of her friends yesterday and today, so there was no need to explain why I was getting home latter than usual.

Anyways, I did have my 1st appointment today. I was extremely nervous with tons of butterflies. More so then when I had my first GT appointment. I guess because this was really the first medical step forward. Turns out he was a pretty nice doctor. Put me at ease. And he did write me the prescriptions for both estradiol and for spironolactone, which I filled and now have in my possession and have "hidden."

However...I have NOT taken any dosages. Which means a long wait (well it will seem long) until after the New Year's before I come out to the wife and hopefully start HRT with her support. I can dream!

Pray for my patience, perseverance and most importantly, my wife's understanding and support, which I'm sure will be very difficult for her.

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Not sure if this question belongs in this topic or belongs on it's own, but...here it is:

As the date draws closer and closer to January 6th, which is when I plan to come out to my wife, I keep having emotional ups and downs. I bounce between having pangs in my stomach about needing to transition to asking myself why would I give up all that I have, all of the comfort and respect that I have?

I've also read other posts here and have had other correspondence with others who have implied that you know you're ready to transition when you feel you don't have any other choice. That you just can't keep on living as you are. So...the million $ question is, DOES HAVING NO CHOICE EQUATE TO HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE?

Please note that I am NOT suicidal. But I do feel like I'm desperate in that all I think about is transitioning and can't get it out of my mind. Whenever I see fairly attractive females, I envy them. Heck, I personally think it's bad as I'm even getting envious of my own daughters, wife and even my nieces. Is this being desperate?

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

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Guest Krisina
Not sure if this question belongs in this topic or belongs on it's own, but...here it is:

As the date draws closer and closer to January 6th, which is when I plan to come out to my wife, I keep having emotional ups and downs. I bounce between having pangs in my stomach about needing to transition to asking myself why would I give up all that I have, all of the comfort and respect that I have?

I've also read other posts here and have had other correspondence with others who have implied that you know you're ready to transition when you feel you don't have any other choice. That you just can't keep on living as you are. So...the million $ question is, DOES HAVING NO CHOICE EQUATE TO HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE?

Please note that I am NOT suicidal. But I do feel like I'm desperate in that all I think about is transitioning and can't get it out of my mind. Whenever I see fairly attractive females, I envy them. Heck, I personally think it's bad as I'm even getting envious of my own daughters, wife and even my nieces. Is this being desperate?

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

When people say they have to transition they have no other choice I don't think it necessarily means they are suicidal do or die. I think it means they need to transition even if it means they WILL lose their job, be homeless, lose all of their family and friends, EVERYTHING to be themselves. I'd like to think of it in comparison to what would happen to a person if they were gay and married and came out to a very religious, strict family in the most conservative area of the country, working for a very conservative employer etc.

I've read some of the postings here and let me be frank. The percentages of marriages that stay intact is about 4 percent for those who transition. That doesn't mean people might not still be friends afterwards but even then there really is no guarantee. Some stay together something like sisters but separated. Others might stay married to someone who was bi, who knows. She didn't sign up for being married to a woman. You have to be realistic and expect to possibly lose your wife. You have been hiding a lot of stuff from her. You have not been keeping her in the loop about your dysphoria. This will completely shatter any semblance of the grounding she has, of her security of her happiness in her life. You have gone from seeing a gender therapist all the way to a hrt prescription without her involved with your medical condition. It might be up on the list for her with coming out as gay, re mortgaging the paid off house to buy a rolls Royce you've been hiding, stealing, cheating, lying (you haven't been open with her, this will affect her life BIG time), living a lie, it will affect the way people see her too and she didn't have any forewarning you even had dysphoria let alone you are about to take hrt. Just be aware of what might happen. You might have to move out or she might decide to move out. It is something you have to be prepared for. There was no marriage counseling involved before this where you discussed this with her even as a couple. You have to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Putting off stuff like this with the person who could help you the most is going to be very hard. I am glad you will finally be telling her though.

Nala had said her therapist had refused to let her start HRT before coming out.

Like Natasha said the longer you go the more you do without telling her the harder it may be on her.

Marriage counseling comes to mind, having her talk to your gender therapist, even privately comes to mind before taking hrt. All of this will affect all of her safety and security in her life, how she sees you and yes and maybe unable to trust you, for her all of this could be seen as a marriage, living a lie.

Marriage counseling, letting her talk to a gender therapist, reading the book True Selves these are all the things that could help things be better. There are two issues you are dealing with.

Krisina

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Guest Krisina

Outofsorts180. You had mentioned that you were seeing a therapist, a "gender therapist" and you had only had a few appointments from what I have read. I think by late November you only had 3 therapy appointments. In between the time you started your therapy and getting your hrt prescription what other things have you been working on? For example, have you started wearing some female garments, have you had the chance to go out all dressed up in your city, going shopping for groceries or the library etc.

Have you gone dressed up to any of your therapy appointments in gender identifying female clothing?

Had you any chance before you started seeing your therapist to get dressed up going out of the house and seeing what it is like? Will you need any electrolysis or laser treatment.

I really hope things work out for you.

Krisina

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Guest Krisina
Hi All:

Well...as it turns out, my 1st appointment with my endo on Monday got screwed up (glad I called to confirm), so I had to reschedule to today (Wednesday). As it turns out, it worked out better for me as my wife is/was out of town with some of her friends yesterday and today, so there was no need to explain why I was getting home latter than usual.

Anyways, I did have my 1st appointment today. I was extremely nervous with tons of butterflies. More so then when I had my first GT appointment. I guess because this was really the first medical step forward. Turns out he was a pretty nice doctor. Put me at ease. And he did write me the prescriptions for both estradiol and for spironolactone, which I filled and now have in my possession and have "hidden."

However...I have NOT taken any dosages. Which means a long wait (well it will seem long) until after the New Year's before I come out to the wife and hopefully start HRT with her support. I can dream!

Pray for my patience, perseverance and most importantly, my wife's understanding and support, which I'm sure will be very difficult for her.

You mentioned you had the prescriptions in your possession and "hidden".

When you say hidden, do you mean that you gave the prescription to your therapist for safe keeping like you had mentioned you were going to do in an earlier post a couple of weeks ago until you came out to your wife?

Krisina

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  • Forum Moderator

But I do feel like I'm desperate in that all I think about is transitioning and can't get it out of my mind. Whenever I see fairly attractive females, I envy them. Heck, I personally think it's bad as I'm even getting envious of my own daughters, wife and even my nieces. Is this being desperate?

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Hi Carla

First everyone's situation is unique, however these feelings you mention above are consistant with what others experience and report. I just wanted you to hear this, that you are not alone, you are not desperate, this sounds like terrible dysphoria and it's evil. You are in a very un-enviable position right now from what I read here. Not being fully open to the person you care about so much, will eat you up inside. Agonizing over a decision to transition or not based on the perceived feelings of others involved, while important, should not be the underlying reason in my mind. Transition is something you must do for yourself, transition must solve a problem, transition must correct a situation, these medicines will change you, you must really need them, it's not an experiment, it means everything. This is so difficult to deal with in a family setting, telling my wife I was going to start HRT was perhaps one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever done. And having said that I think it's time for you to summon your inner strength here, I feel for ya.

Take good care, we are listening and hugs

Cindy -

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Hi Krisina:

Well...you've made some very good points and have asked both some good and hard questions.

First of all, thanks for your perspective as to what "no choice" means to you. For me, that really helps. I do understand that what may happen to my marriage can be in jeopardy. Especially with all of the "secrets" I've been keeping from my wife. More on that later.

Secondly, let me answer your "easier" questions first:

* I have had 7 hours (6 sessions) with my gender therapist. He wrote my referral letter to the endocrinologist after my 5 session.

* And no, I haven't started working on anything relative to going in fem, especially in public. Primarily because I have yet to tell the wife.

* As I've mentioned in the Welcome forum, I have cross-dressed before many times when I was on extended business trips. But never at home with the wife around.

* I will need electrolysis.

Now...for your tough questions. And this was something I wasn't planning to share until after my talk with the wife on January 6th.

* Yes, my plan was to keep the hormones hidden and that one idea was to give them to my therapist for safe keeping.

* However, after getting the hormones (the same day as my 1st endo appointment) and after asking my endo about how others have approached using them or not before telling the wife, I started having second thoughts about starting HRT before telling her.

* The day after my endo appointment I had another session with my therapist. We discussed this at length. He helped me see all of the pro's and con's, but he didn't make any recommendations. He allowed me to make my own decision. And I ended up starting HRT. So...I've been on hormones now for a little over 2 weeks.

* Now...I didn't say or post anything in this topic as I know that one of the main reasons for me starting HRT was because I was weak. And just because I was weak, I didn't want anyone else to take the same actions I did and make light of all of the good advice that was given here. As tough as it was, it truly was good advice. So my biggest apologies for everyone here for not taking your advice and for not being totally upfront about it here in this forum.

Part of my weakness is due to fear that my wife will end up talking me out of this transition and if she did, I emotionally wanted to be able to feel like at least I lived my dream for 3 weeks. And part of me taking the hormones now was to give me some internal strength when I talked to the wife -- meaning I want to show her through the use of the hormones that I was very serious about this transition. So...again, I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone here with my actions.

Lastly, with or without taking the hormones, I still am trying to cope with my ups and downs and still would appreciate any thoughts/advice you may have.

And assuming that things somehow work out for me, the name I'm going to use is ---

Carla

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There is a lot of great advice here. I wish I had spent more time helping my wife understand.....a few weeks or months delay wouldn't changed my path. It sure did feel monumental at the the time though.

Shari

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Guest Krisina
Hi Krisina:

Well...you've made some very good points and have asked both some good and hard questions.

First of all, thanks for your perspective as to what "no choice" means to you. For me, that really helps. I do understand that what may happen to my marriage can be in jeopardy. Especially with all of the "secrets" I've been keeping from my wife. More on that later.

Secondly, let me answer your "easier" questions first:

* I have had 7 hours (6 sessions) with my gender therapist. He wrote my referral letter to the endocrinologist after my 5 session.

* And no, I haven't started working on anything relative to going in fem, especially in public. Primarily because I have yet to tell the wife.

* As I've mentioned in the Welcome forum, I have cross-dressed before many times when I was on extended business trips. But never at home with the wife around.

* I will need electrolysis.

Now...for your tough questions. And this was something I wasn't planning to share until after my talk with the wife on January 6th.

* Yes, my plan was to keep the hormones hidden and that one idea was to give them to my therapist for safe keeping.

* However, after getting the hormones (the same day as my 1st endo appointment) and after asking my endo about how others have approached using them or not before telling the wife, I started having second thoughts about starting HRT before telling her.

* The day after my endo appointment I had another session with my therapist. We discussed this at length. He helped me see all of the pro's and con's, but he didn't make any recommendations. He allowed me to make my own decision. And I ended up starting HRT. So...I've been on hormones now for a little over 2 weeks.

* Now...I didn't say or post anything in this topic as I know that one of the main reasons for me starting HRT was because I was weak. And just because I was weak, I didn't want anyone else to take the same actions I did and make light of all of the good advice that was given here. As tough as it was, it truly was good advice. So my biggest apologies for everyone here for not taking your advice and for not being totally upfront about it here in this forum.

Part of my weakness is due to fear that my wife will end up talking me out of this transition and if she did, I emotionally wanted to be able to feel like at least I lived my dream for 3 weeks. And part of me taking the hormones now was to give me some internal strength when I talked to the wife -- meaning I want to show her through the use of the hormones that I was very serious about this transition. So...again, I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone here with my actions.

Lastly, with or without taking the hormones, I still am trying to cope with my ups and downs and still would appreciate any thoughts/advice you may have.

And assuming that things somehow work out for me, the name I'm going to use is ---

Carla

Well Carla. I am glad you had talk with your GT about pros and cons after your endio appt.

I am also glad you have had some previous experience going out in public. That can be very scary and for me it was. I found after my laser treatments it was a huge confidence boost.

I wish you well for both you and your wife. All the very best.

Krisina

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Guest OutOfSorts180

But I do feel like I'm desperate in that all I think about is transitioning and can't get it out of my mind. Whenever I see fairly attractive females, I envy them. Heck, I personally think it's bad as I'm even getting envious of my own daughters, wife and even my nieces. Is this being desperate?

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Hi Carla

First everyone's situation is unique, however these feelings you mention above are consistant with what others experience and report. I just wanted you to hear this, that you are not alone, you are not desperate, this sounds like terrible dysphoria and it's evil. You are in a very un-enviable position right now from what I read here. Not being fully open to the person you care about so much, will eat you up inside. Agonizing over a decision to transition or not based on the perceived feelings of others involved, while important, should not be the underlying reason in my mind. Transition is something you must do for yourself, transition must solve a problem, transition must correct a situation, these medicines will change you, you must really need them, it's not an experiment, it means everything. This is so difficult to deal with in a family setting, telling my wife I was going to start HRT was perhaps one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever done. And having said that I think it's time for you to summon your inner strength here, I feel for ya.

Take good care, we are listening and hugs

Cindy -

Cindy: I really appreciate your thoughts. I heard elsewhere someone say something similar about transitioning, which is that you have to be somewhat selfish as the transition is about oneself. I guess part of what makes this such a hard or as you say, "gut-wrenching" thing to do is that in general (at least I'd like to believe so), I'm not a selfish person. Up to this point, I've always put family first. Sort of goes against the grain. This whole thing has made me do things that are out of character. It's definitely "controlling" me. I don't like being out of control and hence my ups and downs. In any case, thanks for your well wishes.

And Krisina: Thanks also to you for your well wishes.

Everyone's thoughts and cares are deeply appreciated!

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Guest NatashaJade

I think anything I could say on this subject has been said by others here. But the subject came up for discussion with my spouse and she had some thoughts on the issue. While I encouraged her to join Laura's and express them here, she keeps a blog about what it is to be a spouse of a trans woman and thought that it would be better said there. So here are her thoughts on the issue. I warn you that she does not pull any punches.

xoxo

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Hi Natasha:

Well...I read your wife's blog. I can't say I disagree. It was as you said, she didn't "...pull any punches." I do appreciate her honesty.

And I suspect given the date of her latest blog (today), she was commenting directly to my situation.

I don't have any defense other than to say I know in this regard, I've been weak and not forthcoming. And yes, there is fear. Fear of how exactly she is going to react. Fear that my dream will slip away. I understand about the whole trust and being honest with your spouse. And the truth is, ever since we've gotten engaged, I've known this about myself and kept it secret. So...really and truly, I've been less than honest for 30+ years since we've been together. It does bother me. But the fear of letting out my secret was stronger than being totally forthcoming.

So...not trying to justify my current actions, but if I follow the logic of your wife's perspective, isn't having kept my secret for all of these years just as bad as my recent actions, including HRT? My intent was never to take HRT to the point where there was physical visible changes and thus no turning back. As I understand it, especially at my age, it would take several months of HRT before any noticeable changes. so I could easily stop now, or on January 6th and physically, nothing would have really happened or is irreversible.

But...I don't want to make light of what seems to be the main issue here, which is one of honesty. Since I picked January 6th to avoid breaking this type of news during the holidays, I suppose what I should do is stop taking the hormones now and not continue until after the I've talked to her. And truth is, I have considered doing this several times in the last 2 weeks, but just didn't.

You know, it's a shame and I'm embarrassed to say that as well as I think I know my wife after 30+ years, in this regard, I have absolutely no idea how she'll react. It's been said by you, your wife and others in the same situation, that by not giving my wife a chance "upfront", I've essentially doomed our marriage. And you may all be right on this.

I've also said elsewhere that I have said I'm a Christian and not being forthcoming in this regard has also caused me a lot of internal strife. I don't like being hypocritical. And yet, here I am. Again, not to justify my actions, but no one, not even Christians are above sinning and doing wrong.

A number of you who have counseled honesty in this topic have also indicated that before getting married or sometime shortly after, your wives' knew about your transgenderism. Just to put some additional perspective on this, I'm curious as to others who have gotten married and never told their wives' until their "coming out" talk. i.e., I'd like to be able to compare apples to apples so to speak. I feel like if I had been honest with her 30 years ago, me telling her now that I'm transgendered and want to transition would be easier than her never ever having had a clue. i.e., while maybe still a shock, I would expect that she wouldn't have been totally surprised by the "coming out."

In any case, your wife's points were well said and I do take them seriously. I will reconsider what I'm doing and possibly stop the hormones until after my January 6 talk. And maybe the source of my ups and downs is my guilt over not being totally honest and open?

Carla

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Guest Robin Winter

I came out to my wife before we got married....but after she was pregnant with our child. And even then, because of her reaction, I told her I wasn't planning to do anything about it (and at the time I believed it). Even though I wasn't deliberately hiding anything, and I had been hiding the truth even from myself, she still felt that I had betrayed her trust and had lied to her from the beginning. It has taken nearly 5 years to recover from that.

We are still together, and now we're finally regaining stability, but I think that the axe just missed me on this one. It could have easily gone the other way. I think the fact that we have a young daughter together gave me the time I needed to grovel my way back into her good graces.

Do yourself a favor and do it the right way.

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Very wise words from your spouse's blog Tasha.

I am one of the few success stories during this time of transition. My first attempt failed to keep my marriage intact even though she was somewhat supportive at first.

I think the reason for my success this time is due to several reasons.

First and probably foremost my current spouse knew about my gender issues before we got serious about each other. She knew my past and what I had gone through with my first attempt. We had talked a lot about it during our early courtship.

The second is a deep trust, respect, and openness we have in our relationship. Even after almost 16 years with each other we will often just sit and talk about issues and things that my be bothering us.

Just like many of us I just could not keep going on as I was. When I approached her about it she was not really all that surprised and had noticed that I had been getting more tense over the last couple of years. She actually encouraged me to begin to explore again. We took things very slowly and always kept communications open on how we felt. I am not saying there have not been a few bumps but, if anything, our relationship is just as strong if not stronger than before. We are actually doing this together trying to support each other with any issues that come up.

There are a lot of other factors that I really do not want to go into at this time but the bottom line was keeping an open communication with each other.

If this were a better place then maybe most of us would talk to our future mates before we were married rather than shock them with it after being married for many years. I would at least recommend that one approach their spouse very slowly about these issues and in very small baby steps rather than just announcing out of the blue that you are really a woman/man and that you are going to change your sex.

Mia

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Ok my friends.

You have all gotten to me, especially after reading Natasha's wife's blog.

I have decided to stop taking the hormones until after I have had my talk with my wife.

I have no idea how things will work out when I do. I hope to be back here with some good news.

Later?

Carla

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Guest Donna Jean

.

Carla......

I'm not going to give you any advice now.....It's obvious that you'll do what you need at that time...

But.......3 of us moderators live together here in New Orleans..Lizzy, Sally and I...

We're all 60 and older.....

We come from Ft. Worth, Ohio and Louisiana...

We all three lost a LOT over transitioning......

We all lost our homes.....jobs, money, wives.....I was married over 30 years....

So, when I tell you that I understand what you're going through, you'll know that I do know....

As to the deciet part and not telling years ago.....many of us thought we could control/conquer these feelings....We had no internet back then and there was very little information about what we have...So, we mostly suffered in silence.....I really don't believe that many of us actually meant to decieve....

And now there are times that I miss my pretty little 5 acres in Ohio...

But, for me, I'm the happiest that I've ever been in my life....

I wouldn't trade the new me for anything!

I'm not saying that you'll be happy later......you could end up like us and lose everything....

But, happiness isn't about things and belongings.....It's about our inner self....

Good luck, Hon

Dee Jay

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Hi Carla,

I am Natasha's spouse, Marni. I just joined today, mainly due to my reaction to your post. Natasha has relayed commentary to me from time to time and I'd been thinking of joining the Playground, but I really felt the need to respond to you directly after hearing that you would be stopping the HRT for the time being.

It's never easy to tell a partner something that will literally change that person's life in a way he or she probably never even considered to be a possibility. I, for one, did not include in my list of requirements for my perfect spouse that "he" would never turn out to be a "she." As I said in my blog, there's no good time in the process to come out; however, the earlier, the better.

You have a tough road, Carla. You must be COMPLETELY honest with your wife. You've been together for 30 years. Have they been great years? Were you otherwise perfect for each other? If so, then you have something going for you. To be honest, if she knows you very well, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she isn't that surprised when you tell her. While I wasn't exactly expecting it, I certainly wasn't "surprised," and I only knew Natasha for a little over seven years. She cross-dressed at home; she didn't like sports that much; she liked chick flicks; she was a bit "metrosexual" at times... all in spite of the fact that she is 6' 2" and stocky (YES, DEAR, YOU'RE STOCKY!!). If you're lucky, she'll be relieved and will want to move forward with you. Especially if you two are not very active in the sex department, when you are in a relationship that is based more on personality rather than physicality, coping with a partner that switches gender doesn't impact the core of the relationship as much.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. If she is willing, send her by my blog for some experiential advice. :-)

Marni :D

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Shari: Many thanks for your well wishes.

Donna Jean: My thanks as well for your thoughts and sharing your situation as we definitely share a number of things in common. What you shared means a lot to me. We're kindred souls.

Marni: Wow. I have to say that both you and Johnny (another moderator here) have been both brutally honest with your thoughts about being completely honest and open with my wife. If you've read through all of the posts here, while I didn't heed the advice that was given to me, I do admit that it was good advice and I didn't want to make light of it. But...I'm only human and this is not exactly a scenario one generally prepares oneself for in how to be "strong." As I've either posted here or elsewhere, I like to believe that I'm generally a very strong forceful person who is also generally upfront about everything --- except for this, in which case, I'm not confident in myself, I'm confused and having emotional ups and downs and more than anything else, I really do fear that after I come out to my wife, I will back down and remain my male self --- although things will obviously be different between me and wife as she will now know about my true feelings. I have no idea if that will make things better or worse. Probably worse. In any case, I do thank you for your thoughts and honesty. And I hope that your thoughts and your blog and what has been discussed in this topic will help others like me who are in the same type of situation.

My best to everyone,

Carla

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As I've either posted here or elsewhere, I like to believe that I'm generally a very strong forceful person who is also generally upfront about everything --- except for this, in which case, I'm not confident in myself, I'm confused and having emotional ups and downs and more than anything else, I really do fear that after I come out to my wife, I will back down and remain my male self --- although things will obviously be different between me and wife as she will now know about my true feelings. I have no idea if that will make things better or worse. Probably worse.

Carla, you're facing a situation that I can't even imagine, and you've been going at it as bravely, openly, honestly, and correctly as you possibly can. Instead of ignoring the people who offered advice you didn't agree with, you took the time to think about what they said and answered them respectfully. And when you made your choice to go ahead with HRT, then reconsidered and stopped it again, you were honest with us and yourself, without being unnecessarily apologetic. The anticipation must be killing you to start HRT "for real this time", and the fact that you're holding off for your wife's sake shows an incredible amount of strength and patience. Frankly, I hope you start sharing advice on how to be so brave/open/honest/patient/strong so Laura's can benefit from it!

I'm part of the Talk Before HRT camp, but not primarily because of the honesty issue. For me, it's more about the fact that, as a married woman, your life is no longer yours alone. You share a life with your spouse, and what you do with your life intimately and dramatically affects hers. Try to bear with me here while I compare all this to buying a house. Let's say you and your wife grew up in Texas, married in Texas, and have lived in Texas ever since. She's always imagined that the two of you will die and be buried in Texas. The idea of moving has never once crossed her mind. And then one day you tell her that (1) You've always wanted to work at a bookstore in England. (2) In fact, you got a job in England all lined up. (3) You already bought a house in London, just down the street from the bookstore, and tomorrow your belongings are going to be shipped over there. (4) And if she doesn't want to come with you right now, you're leaving without her.

All of that coming down on her at once would be such an enormous shock. But perhaps the shock would be lessened if instead (3) There's a house in London that you really want, and you want to take her to London to see what she thinks of it, and (4) You want to talk about it at length and see if she'll be comfortable with the move after a reasonable amount of time--or if you'll have to move without her.

The "reasonable amount of time" part is what I'm really getting at. You said you were worried that you'll back down if she resists the idea. Maybe instead of backing down, you can compromise. For example, tell her that you know that it's a huge shock that will change your lives and perhaps your relationship, and that you're willing to wait a little while to help her adjust. Say, a month, or two months, or three months--whatever you feel is reasonable. And if she isn't making any progress by then, you can with good conscience do whatever you feel like doing.

Whatever happens, I hope you do allow her at least a little while to wrap her head around the "move" before you relocate all your belongings (is this analogy dead yet?), and that you don't let her prevent you from starting HRT in what you see as a timely fashion. Compromise is such a significant part of what makes relationships work, and in something as big as this, not compromising a little sounds really dangerous.

(If this is what Marni said in her blog, then I'm sorry for making you read it again! I need to go check that blog out.)

All that said: I really admire you for the way you're handling this situation, Carla. Please keep us up to speed on the situation, especially on January 6! I'll be thinking about you all day Friday.

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Guest OutOfSorts180

Honesty is the only way to go. Starting HRT behind her back is a recipe for disaster. I learned this the hard way.

HI Teri:

So you have gone down the same path I had and started HRT first before telling your wife? If you don't mind sharing, how are things now between you and your wife?

As for "honesty", well I sure have gotten an earful here! And I DO get it.

---------------------------------------

Hi Roux:

Carla, you're facing a situation that I can't even imagine, and you've been going at it as bravely, openly, honestly, and correctly as you possibly can. Instead of ignoring the people who offered advice you didn't agree with, you took the time to think about what they said and answered them respectfully. And when you made your choice to go ahead with HRT, then reconsidered and stopped it again, you were honest with us and yourself, without being unnecessarily apologetic.

It assuredly has not been easy. And to some degree, my perception of how the responses have been, both here in this topic and in private messages, I know that I've disappointed and probably lost some respect for starting down the path of HRT before talking to the wife. With all of the folks here who share and understand what we're all going through, it was never my intent to overtly mislead or be dishonest and if I have, I again apologize. However, on the other side of the fence, if I can also be brutally honest, I was also disappointed in some of the responses in that I was looking for understanding and shared experiences and instead I got mostly lectured. While I may have needed to hear it AND need it, emotionally, it did hurt.

The anticipation must be killing you to start HRT "for real this time", and the fact that you're holding off for your wife's sake shows an incredible amount of strength and patience. Frankly, I hope you start sharing advice on how to be so brave/open/honest/patient/strong so Laura's can benefit from it!

I must say that after reading many of the posts here and "hearing" how people have progressed and become happier, I have become envious. So yes, the anticipation is very strong to really want to do this. I want to experience what others have experienced. As for being "brave/open/honest/patient/strong", to be really honest, up to this point, until I actually tell the wife, it has been easy. What I mean by "easy" is that it was "easier" to start the HRT first then go talk to the wife first. It was "easier" finding and talking to a therapist to first then sharing my concerns with the wife first. It's been definitely "easy" sharing my feelings here like minded folks then sharing with my wife. Bottom line, I feel like until I have the talk with my wife on the 6th, it's mainly been "all talk, no action". To me, the truly "brave/open/honest/patient/strong" part will be dependent on what I do after I hear my wife's reaction.

I'm part of the Talk Before HRT camp, but not primarily because of the honesty issue. For me, it's more about the fact that, as a married woman, your life is no longer yours alone. You share a life with your spouse, and what you do with your life intimately and dramatically affects hers.

Again, I understand.

All that said: I really admire you for the way you're handling this situation, Carla. Please keep us up to speed on the situation, especially on January 6! I'll be thinking about you all day Friday.

Many thanks Roux for sharing your thoughts. It has truly meant a lot to me.

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  • Forum Moderator

We DO lecture sometimes. In part I think because we are in a sense family here and because we care. Even lecturing is taking the time to respond and in fact is harder than being all supportive and ultimately uninvolved.It's easier to say something positive than something negative for most people.

So please take it as a sign of caring and know that while we may not support your actions all the time we still support YOU. There is a difference.

Johnny

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