Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Should I REALLY tell him that I was born transsexual? =/


Guest Little_cherry

Recommended Posts

  • Admin

There has been a whole lot written in this thread alread;, good, honest, heartfelt discussion and debate.

I don't have much to add, only this: FtM or MtF, how would you feel if your partner kept some important piece of information about themselves from you? Would it matter, and would you feel betrayed or deceived? Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes, and consider how they might feel.

The "when" of disclosure can be endlessly debated. The "whether or not" seems very clear to me.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Replies 60
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Svenna

    7

  • JJ

    4

  • JenniferB

    2

  • RoxannaBell

    2

Guest Elizabeth K

Much has been said here - some good, some better than good.

You had sex - okay -that is past. I's a dangerous game, but you will have to make that call.

BUT

If it is getting serious - you HAVE to tell him.

Lizzy

Link to comment

I understand the fear that must accompany this kind of disclosure. I understand not wanting to risk losing someone. But the risk of losing him is much greater if he finds out some way other than directly from you, and before things go on for too much longer. Maybe there is a way around it, though. Maybe you could bring up the subject of transgenders somehow and see what his reaction is. You don't have to start off by saying it is YOU who is transgendered (say you have a transgendered friend, or bring up Chaz Bono's name, be creative). . If he has a negative reaction, then you know he's not the guy for you and you can break off the relationship without ever having to tell him why. On the other hand, he might say he's perfectly fine with transgenders, and then you have your opening.

Link to comment

Do any of us older gals REALLY remember what it was like to be 19 years old and DATING?

I'll stand by my comments... ;)

And I'll NOT judge a situation I wasn't party to...

:) S

Link to comment

I understand the fear that must accompany this kind of disclosure. I understand not wanting to risk losing someone. But the risk of losing him is much greater if he finds out some way other than directly from you, and before things go on for too much longer. Maybe there is a way around it, though. Maybe you could bring up the subject of transgenders somehow and see what his reaction is. You don't have to start off by saying it is YOU who is transgendered (say you have a transgendered friend, or bring up Chaz Bono's name, be creative). . If he has a negative reaction, then you know he's not the guy for you and you can break off the relationship without ever having to tell him why. On the other hand, he might say he's perfectly fine with transgenders, and then you have your opening.

I think Roxy has suggested a very workable plan...

:) :) :)

S

Link to comment
Guest Addy K.

First to Lil Cherry, you honestly don't ever have to tell him, but again starting a marriage and or children might come into play, which could and probably would lead to him finding out. If you decided to tell him, just try and see if you get a friend or family member to be near by for safety, just incase. But I hope it goes well no matter what you choose to do hun.

As for the argument about telling a potential partner/lover/etc.. at the beginning I really personally am at a crossroads on the topic. I can say the idea of being upfront is probably a good one, but again if the person can still react violently or start to tell other people about your being trans to be vindictive. so I personally feel that it would be better to try and wait until after a few dates to tell them, because by then you will either know if you want to continue the relationship or not.

hugs and luv

Addy

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Just one small point here-outside of a few people on Jerry Springer who claim to have successfully done it for awhile being stealth with a spouse is just not possible in the long run-way before children come into it. Even with R there are basic medical differences that would show up on x-ray or in an ER exam very likely. Then too there are all the legal implications-many states don't recognize gender changes. Many also don't recognize same sex marriages either, which is where you would legally be. If you filed joint tax returns, got any kind of loan etc. as a couple you would be guilty of fraud. And may well also be liable for civil damages when it ultimately comes out and your partner divorces you-if you are lucky and they don't beat you to death.

You also sentence yourself to a life of stress that will-not can but will-ultimately damage your mental health and probably doom the relationship anyway.

I wish this dream if becoming who we are and just living lives in denial of our past was possible but you are setting yourself up for enormous heartache, possible legal problems and potential violence if you try.

I am not someone who usually pushes the fear and danger buttons-just the opposite. But I worked with families for decades. I have known people who murdered with far less provocation. I know the violence that can erupt when someone feels betrayed and I can't stress enough what an unhealthy and unsafe approach that is.

If you are ashamed of who you are then you need to work it through with your therapist. And if you are willing to risk never having a full trusting relationship -because real relationships are built on trust and not secrets-as well as possible death to hide who you are what possible reason could there be but a deep down shame?

I really do understand the motivation. But if you accept yourself you will find someone who will love and accept you as you are. There are many, many examples of that here. But not one good relationship I can think of in the tens of thousands of posts I have read or among the people I worked with professionally built on the kind of deceit not disclosing is in reality.

Johnny

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

There is so much here. I think that unless you want to and can back out gracefully. You will do best to tell him. I told my wife about my gender issues when we were dating but because of 20 year old hormones i lost myself when she said she couldn't live with that. 40 years later i'm still working through all the problems caused. Don't let your desire for the relationship ruin your chance of finding the person who can accept you for yourself.

Best of luck,

Charlie

Link to comment
Guest Sascha

Ìt's a shadowzone. My opinion? you should decide. If he loves you for who you are, then that is what you are: female. If you think you cannot live with a secret, then be honest. If you decide to be honest, things might get out of hand (depending on the guy) so it's difficult. Personally speaking, if I were 100% passble, then I would never tell anyone. It's none of their business, I am female and are one inside and outside. That's how I think about it.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Maria_B

I don't understand the use of describing this situation like STD's. STD's have an immediate physical negative effect on your body. Having sex with a woman with a Neo Vagina doesn't. If you're just having sex, there is no need to tell. He's not going to get herpes because you had SRS, he's not going to get Syphilis or Gonorrhea. There is no physical harm being done to him. If you're in not in a relationship, and you're having petty sex, where is the need.

However, in a relationship, simply by legal implications its either you tell him or ''they'' tell him. (They being not very nice people). I'd do it before being intimate, after a few dates.

Personally, In your situation, I'd end the relationship.

Link to comment
Guest Leah1026

Everyone has to find their own answers on this. I will say it's not as cut and dry as most here seem to think. There is a provocative video on the subject at YouTube. Do a search for "Zinnia Jones Trans Disclosure" and It will bring it up on the list of results. The Official title is "Trans Disclosure? We Can Get Into That". Anywho, the video takes a look at the issue from a completely different angle and it makes you wonder why WE are made to carry all the burden in such situations.

I live an honest life. Personally I've not had to deal with this situation yet, primarily because I have a low libido to start with. I also work nights. And being over a certain age the dating pool for all women tends to be quite shallow. None of this really bothers me though. I've always been alone in this life… even when I was married before transition. Could that change if I met "the one". Yes and no. Yes, because I could see falling in love with someone who shares my interests and outlook on life. No, because unlike many people I see date and get married, I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. They will either understand and accept me fully or I have no need for them. I know that may sound harsh, but I'm 50 and after a lifetime of trying to please others and being rejected, I refuse to play those games anymore.

I love who I am who I am and I don't need anyone else's approval.

I may like to have a relationship, but i don't NEED a relationship. I think far to many people are of the NEED variety.

My 2 cents.

Link to comment

Everyone has to find their own answers on this. I will say it's not as cut and dry as most here seem to think. There is a provocative video on the subject at YouTube. Do a search for "Zinnia Jones Trans Disclosure" and It will bring it up on the list of results. The Official title is "Trans Disclosure? We Can Get Into That". Anywho, the video takes a look at the issue from a completely different angle and it makes you wonder why WE are made to carry all the burden in such situations.

I live an honest life. Personally I've not had to deal with this situation yet, primarily because I have a low libido to start with. I also work nights. And being over a certain age the dating pool for all women tends to be quite shallow. None of this really bothers me though. I've always been alone in this life… even when I was married before transition. Could that change if I met "the one". Yes and no. Yes, because I could see falling in love with someone who shares my interests and outlook on life. No, because unlike many people I see date and get married, I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. They will either understand and accept me fully or I have no need for them. I know that may sound harsh, but I'm 50 and after a lifetime of trying to please others and being rejected, I refuse to play those games anymore.

I love who I am who I am and I don't need anyone else's approval.

I may like to have a relationship, but i don't NEED a relationship. I think far to many people are of the NEED variety.

My 2 cents.

Are you kidding me? YOU are 50?

I thought you were in your 30s, maybe 34 or 35...

Wow..

Anyway, back to your reply...

This is another occasion when I think you hit every point perfectly, as you oft times do...

Please don't underestimate the power of love, though, the universe has a way of providing exactly what we need, once we can articulate just what those needs truly are...

I think you'll do just fine. Your life is far from over, and the range of possibilities is much larger than you currently imagine...

You are a very pretty woman and you are smart and clear-headed and well, just a wonderful person...

You'll see!

Love, Svenna

Link to comment
Guest AiAmAngel

I wouldn't .

Seriously, I'm pro stealth whenever the option is present.

But, the fact that you're even considering it now means it's probably best for you to get it out.

Tell him.

Link to comment

Wow. This is a subject near and dear to me. I'll be post op in two mths nd I'm hoping to be in the dating pool soon after.

I posted this in a forum that was not trans, but full of guys pumped n testosterone. Some interesting reading.

http://forum.slowtwitch.com/gforum.cgi?do=post_view_flat;post=3693559;page=1;sb=post_latest_reply;so=ASC;mh=25

My thoughts. If I'm having a fling, I won't tell them. If I'm hoping to have a relationship, I'll tell them before hand.

Link to comment
Guest Lacey Lynne

Do any of us older gals REALLY remember what it was like to be 19 years old and DATING?

I'll stand by my comments... ;)

And I'll NOT judge a situation I wasn't party to...

:) S

Yo, Svenna!

Like, I'm older than you, and no way can I remember being 19. Heck, I didn't date at 19 anyway. Didn't start until I was 23, and I've only been with 3 women in my lifetime, and THEY asked me! So, what's the deal? Read the teenage, young adult and dating chapters in "True Selves" which will explain everything. It was like reading my own story.

Dating? I was an abject failure at it. Does NOT mean I was not interested! I was!

For me, well, I've basically decided to bag it with respect to dating. Been celibate for 15 years and counting. The Mahatma Gandhi took a vow of celibacy at age 36 (in pursuit of being a brahmachari (true seeker of God)), and he kept true to that vow throughout the remainder of his lifetime, and he was MARRIED! His wife dealt with it and, most likely, was relieved anyway. This is just one of the many reasons why I LOVE The Mahatma Gandhi!

Heck, as I write this, I've got The Mahatma Gandhi's biography right next to me ... beside Keith Richards' biography, and I love them BOTH equally! The Approximate Saint and The Unrepetent Sinner! To me, I would have been AMAZING to have been either one of them! Yeah, I know, I know ... don't say it!

For Postop Girls:

You gals CAN have a normal and amazing intimate life! The opinions vary on when to disclose if you're postop. Naturally, the span the gamut on this matter; however, I believe postop gals should disclose after getting to know the person and if things are tending towards physical intimacy of "that stripe" at some point. Just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Happy Dating :friends: Lacey Lynne

Link to comment
Guest LizMarie

This is a really complex subject and I can't see any single rule as always being "right" for every single person every single time. Like Nova, if I were to find myself in a "fling" I wouldn't say a word. It's not relevant. But I'd want something more meaningful to be on honest terms. But what happens if a fling turns serious? See? None of this is easy or simple. I'm with Svenna on this one. I won't judge someone for something to which I was not a party and which has no impact on me personally. Little Cherry is going to have to come to her own conclusions here and she's been given some good advice all around but as anyone can see, that advice is all over the place. She's just going to have to make a judgement call and then manage the consequences of that call downline.

Link to comment

Wow. This is a subject near and dear to me. I'll be post op in two mths nd I'm hoping to be in the dating pool soon after.

I posted this in a forum that was not trans, but full of guys pumped n testosterone. Some interesting reading.

http://forum.slowtwi...ly;so=ASC;mh=25

My thoughts. If I'm having a fling, I won't tell them. If I'm hoping to have a relationship, I'll tell them before hand.

Two things:

First, I agree with your thoughts on 'telling', simple enough!

Second, after reading ALL of the comments on the linked thread, all I can say is this..

"Lady, you've got testicles, iron testicles!!!"

It took a TON of guts to do what you did, and I am amazed and proud of your bravery...WOW, girl!!

Also, those men surely do make being a lesbian seem like a wonderful thing. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine EVER allowing pigs like those guys to EVER get near me. What pieces of work! Gah...

All you 'straight' trans-gal can keep 'em men. Me? Hopefully therapy will eventually dispel some of the absolute hatred I have for 'male-ness'. The arrogance, the ***** penis-sure-ed-ness, the blind allegiance to ignorance, the willful hurtfulness, the, the, the...well, the stench of testosterone, period...UGH!!!!!

Nah, I don't have a problem with men, not al all...lol!

Anyhoo...

Nova, you are a very, very special and brave woman. I wish you nothing but the best of luck finding the exceptional person that you deserve!

Love to YOU, my straight sister!

:) Svenna

Edited by Shilo
profanity
Link to comment
Guest LizMarie

Nova, that thread demonstrates the deep level of homophobia in the US male population which is then coupled to the horrendous ignorance that a transsexual woman is still a "man". Those guys are afraid of their own shadow!

I wish you the best of luck, Nova. *hugs*

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

WOW

This subject got hot! I have (1) an opinion, (2) a story a member here told me, and (3 &4) I have two examples. But nothing I say is going to change peoples minds, what I say only demonstrates why I personally caution people to be careful not to get hurt or killed by withholding, or delaying telling someone that you are transsexual.

In a short synopsis, I suggest allowing a person to get to know you and if it starts getting intimate, you need to explain things.

A member here, a FTM who is no longer on, PMed me for a while and we became good friends. .He eventually told me he was raped (and lost twins through a miscarriage) when it was found out he had female genitalia. Later the same gang assaulted him, raped him and beat him up. He got pregnant again and had an abortion. I worked with him because I had had a dream he was killed by a knifing by the leader of a gang of seven. That frightened him and he stopped going out alone at night. The gang that beat him up and raped him had seven members, which I did not know. Of course he had only hidden his body sex at first, but it exposed him to a terrible vulnerability when he was discovered.

Three years ago here in the New Orleans area (Harvey, on the West Bank) there was a transwoman who was bludgeoned to death with a fire extinguisher. It made the news here several times at the time as the boyfriend was found. went to trial, and was convicted of murder. So I was familiar with the event and knew what the circumstances were. This girl was preop. She and her boyfriend were a well established couple and because of her passability, they seemed a regular couple to the general public, like is common everywhere. They reportedly had been together over a year when his gang member friends found out she was a T-girl. Someone in her family outed her - probably accidentally. He was taunted mercilessly. He then claimed she had deceived and tricked him, so he took revenge by beating her. Unfortunately his anger was overpowering and he went into a murderous rage which was witnessed. Again it is unclear how long she was with him before she told him of her condition, probably fairly early. It was the TWO of them that hid it, not just her.

Then there is Veronica, my MTF friend who mentored me from the beginning. (She was my roommate in college and we never knew we were both trans for 45 years - go figure) She was post op when she told me, so I barraged her with questions, telling her I too am transsexual but pre op. She explained her dating patterns. Generally she is 100% stealth so she does not WANT to be outed by a boyfriend. She will go up to the point where she is about to have sex before she reveals her history. At that time (three years ago) she had dated seriously four men. Only one was able to handle the story and stay with her. But they broke up later because she found out the guy was still married. She recommended NOT revealing our history until a person had a chance to really really know us. She said otherwise you probably won't have much of a chance in finding someone YOU want. Again - post op - but secretive, selecting the proper moment to tell. She says she 'could' get away with NEVER TELLING, but feels it is unethical. I asked if the men got mad? She said only one got peeved and said "It's a good thing we never had had sex!" and left.

Lizzy

Link to comment
  • Admin
All you 'straight' trans-gal can keep 'em men. Me? Hopefully therapy will eventually dispel some of the absolute hatred I have for 'male-ness'. The arrogance, the ***** penis-sure-ed-ness, the blind allegiance to ignorance, the willful hurtfulness, the, the, the...well, the stench of testosterone, period...UGH!!!!! Svenna[/font][/color]

I realize this is a hot-button topic, but please remember to keep the discussion within bounds. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But...it is not proper to trash an entire category of people, OK? We have a great many FtM's on this site, and they are entitled to respect and courtesy, Comments like this are not appropriate and if there is more of the same, they will not be permitted. I would hate to have to lock this topic. Thank you.

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
All you 'straight' trans-gal can keep 'em men. Me? Hopefully therapy will eventually dispel some of the absolute hatred I have for 'male-ness'. The arrogance, the ***** penis-sure-ed-ness, the blind allegiance to ignorance, the willful hurtfulness, the, the, the...well, the stench of testosterone, period...UGH!!!!! Svenna[/font][/color]

I realize this is a hot-button topic, but please remember to keep the discussion within bounds. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But...it is not proper to trash an entire category of people, OK? We have a great many FtM's on this site, and they are entitled to respect and courtesy, Comments like this are not appropriate and if there is more of the same, they will not be permitted. I would hate to have to lock this topic. Thank you.

Carolyn Marie

Okay...

I was overly broad, I understand..

I should have used more care in choosing my words...

Sorry!

Going on hiatus now...

Later, y'all...

S

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Some overheating going on OH MY.

(Pulls topic over and waits for the engine to cool - opens radiator and puts in two quarts 'COOLSTUFF' - sssssssssssssssssssst)

Lizzy

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 107 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • violet r
    • MaybeRob
    • Lenneth
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • violet r
      This is a question I ask myself all the time. When I'm out I hope that I can some what pass
    • violet r
      I use my  chosen name online and when ever I can. I play some online game and only go by that name. That is how everyone there know me. Yes it does feel great to be called the name you prefer. 
    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...