"I'm not going to say you look like a girl..."

[Guest Amelia]

"... Because you don't."

My own sister said that to me. And no, I don't see it even remotely possible that she's jealous. She's not that kind of person, and I know her very well. She's honest to a fault, is what she is. And we're not talking about passing. We're talking just about physical appearance. I know I have the mannerisms of a girl, as my peers have pointed out. I wish she criticized me for that instead. At least I could change that.

This was my third time out. It was also one of the most uncomfortable, as the stares were blatant and harsh. Or so I perceive. Maybe I'm just crazy. I also wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. My sis initially said no.

"People are going to judge you. It's going to be obvious. You're a boy right now."

"I can take the stares. It will make me happy."

"You obviously can't take them."

But after noticing I was distraught, she called my mom and asked for permission. Surprisingly, she said yes, but nothing too dramatic. That certainly made me feel better. And my brows are indeed more feminine now.

Another small update: my doubts about who I am have subsided completely. Now I just doubt if I can do this. Someone called me a "pretty pretty Asian boy" when I told them I was trans. That destroyed me. How am I supposed to face actual negativity?

But back to the subject at hand. My sister criticized the thing I'm most conscious about. She's the most honest person I know. It hurts so much. My self-esteem is already abysmally low, as my therapist pointed out. She said that I have the worst case of self-esteem issues that she's seen. 32 years of experience and I hold that title. Spectacular. I can't do this. But I have to. Why me, damn it. Why me.

Jess

[Guest TracieV3]

"... Because you don't."

My own sister said that to me. And no, I don't see it even remotely possible that she's jealous. She's not that kind of person, and I know her very well. She's honest to a fault, is what she is. And we're not talking about passing. We're talking just about physical appearance. I know I have the mannerisms of a girl, as my peers have pointed out. I wish she criticized me for that instead. At least I could change that.

This was my third time out. It was also one of the most uncomfortable, as the stares were blatant and harsh. Or so I perceive. Maybe I'm just crazy. I also wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. My sis initially said no.

"People are going to judge you. It's going to be obvious. You're a boy right now."

"I can take the stares. It will make me happy."

"You obviously can't take them."

But after noticing I was distraught, she called my mom and asked for permission. Surprisingly, she said yes, but nothing too dramatic. That certainly made me feel better. And my brows are indeed more feminine now.

Another small update: my doubts about who I am have subsided completely. Now I just doubt if I can do this. Someone called me a "pretty pretty Asian boy" when I told them I was trans. That destroyed me. How am I supposed to face actual negativity?

But back to the subject at hand. My sister criticized the thing I'm most conscious about. She's the most honest person I know. It hurts so much. My self-esteem is already abysmally low, as my therapist pointed out. She said that I have the worst case of self-esteem issues that she's seen. 32 years of experience and I hold that title. Spectacular. I can't do this. But I have to. Why me, damn it. Why me.

Jess

Jess, there is a difference between constructive criticism and just plain criticism. Constructive criticism is meant to help you by both pointing out your flaws and how to fix those flaws in a positive way that helps. Plain criticism is used to point out your flaws in a matter that negatively impacts you life and make you feel bad. It seems your sister choose the latter over the former.

[Guest angels wings]

Aww Jess I'm sorry to hear ur sister said that. People don't relize how much words affect others. I had a thought that maybe she has known for so long been a boy that now u are becoming ur true self she can't see it . It's not that ur not but those close to us can be blinded. I too thought in my head about my partner that she does not look like a girl but u know the more I learnt the more I accepted the more I healed from all the pain I can honestly say she really looks like a girl and does a better job of it than I do. So try not to feel sad about it remember she is going through a journey with u with time the heart will heal the eyes will see again and she will see what a beautiful girl u are. Be strong lovey u can get through this.

[Guest Ney'ite]

Jess, when it comes to how people see you, in all fairness you cannot expect someone who knew you before to express any amount of unbiased criticism. I say this because your sister knows what you looked like before. She will always know that and be able to see the similarities. I think the real test is with people who are complete strangers. They have no pre-knowledge of you and will only go on what they see at hand: your presentation, how your carry yourself, your voice (only if you interact with them anyway), your mannerisms, how you walk. You would get a much more unbiased opinion from a stranger than someone who has known you for your entire life up till now.

...

Someone called me a "pretty pretty Asian boy" when I told them I was trans.

...

I hope this does not come across as confrontational, but as for this comment, unless this person was a close person you trust and opened up to, I would ask you was there a reason you had to tell them anything? For me, unless I plan on getting intimate with someone, it is none of their business and no need to out myself unnecessarily. The new staff we have this year at my job (they are seasonal, I am year-round) have no clue about me and I am under absolutely no obligation to tell them anything. To them, I am Bette, and I use the ladies room. Other than that, it is none of their business.

As for the low self-esteem, someone with an already low self-esteem does not need to hear how low it is it from someone else no matter how well-intentioned it was. There is a fine line between someone who is being honest with you and someone who holds nothing back because that is just plain rude and offensive.

On a complimentary note, I am happy to hear you your doubts have subsided because I know that was a big challenge for you not long ago.

[Carolyn Marie]

Bette gave you some outstanding advice, Jessica. I agree wholeheartedly.

Look, you will face setbacks at first, we all do. You can't just put on a wig and a some clothes and voila, you're a girl. There is the voice, and mannerisms, and attitude, and they all play a role. It is also very true that the more you worry about passing, the less likely it is you'll pass, because you'll be checking random people for reactions. That is not something cis-folk do, ever.

Take things one step at a time, don't try to rush everything. You aren't going full time tomorrow, so relax and take it one step at a time. The eyebrows were a good step, now figure out the next one.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

"You will never look like a girl, TO ME (your sister)," is what was really said there. She is honest, and direct, but only about herself with her memories and her personal life. Her mind is made up, don't confuse her or you other relatives with the facts! A girl has to do what a girl has to do, so life moves forward. You do not have to OUT yourself to everyone you meet. I no longer feel that I am anyone other than Vicky and only mention him when I legally have to. Self esteem is grown within you.

[Svenna]

Jess,

You are a beautiful girl, and the fact is, the people that you are most familiar with, they are the LEAST likely to see that fact..

The Absolute Love of My Life told me I after I started to transition that I 'would make an ugly girl', and 'people will make laugh at you and fun of you', and worse...and those things still haunt me, though I know they really shouldn't...

My point?

The people around us when we come out RARELY possess the specialized knowledge it takes to NOT HURT our FEELINGS so severely. I don't think they can even conceive of the damage they are doing with such ill-informed, blunt, thoughtless statements...

The truth is, those reactions say FAR more about the person saying them than they do about your 'passability', now or in the future..

We have to forgive their ignorance, but we must protect our own tender hearts, also...

So sorry she was so rude. I really am..

Love for you, S

[Guest Amelia]

... I can't do this. I just can't. 2 suicide attempts in the same month and counting is just too much to handle. It's only going to get worse. Not only does my father apparently think I look like a boy, but my mother believes I'm going to be an ugly freak if I ever start hormones. As I ran for the kitchen knife and pressed it against my wrist, of course, my parents tackled me and took away my sweet release. Another sweet gift from whatever vengeful deity is up there, I'm sure. All I know is this so-called "support" I had from my parents was all a fallacy; they knew I was doomed to fail and just waited long enough until I could learn that myself. Well lesson learned.

And I get that an unbiased view-point would be the most honest, but I got the message loud and clear from strangers: you're a freak. A revolting monster doomed to drive herself insane with her ridiculous delusions of grandeur. Or himself, as others will surely correct me.

My mother proposed to my father about sending me to an insane asylum. Perhaps that will be the next chapter in my life. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything right now. I'm not going to kid myself, I'll be back in a couple days. And everyone knows that. I'm just being a dramatic little brat. But sooner or later I will truly reach my breaking-point. When that is, I don't know. But it's likely sooner than later.

[Sally]

I have not mentioned this to anyone here yet but I am going to let you know that if you are looking for really vile and hateful speech about yourself and what a total failure you will be - your family is the best place to go.

If they do not support you they will do their absolute very best to totally destroy you - they want you to be who they want you to be because you are their dream not your own - it is all about them and they will call you selfish for wanting to be yourself.

There are parents who really do want the best for their children - these parents are characterized by a totally different approach - no focus on the negatives, no lists of things that you cannot do but help in finding the things that you can do.

The best thing for you is to focus on what you need to do and work toward that end - I know how hard it is to see this at the time of your deepest depression but hang on and you can get where you are going.

A lot of us have made it without the help or support of our family members - we are stronger than we think that we are.

Love ya,

Sally

[Svenna]

Hey, Jess...

Time for a few deep breathes, in and out, slowly and steadily, calm, calm, calm...

This wasn't the end of anything, just a lesson about the reality of the people around you.

If you look in the "Parents of Transgendered Children' forum on this site, you will see plenty of examples of what supportive parents do and how they reacted when their kids came out. Maybe you might pick up some ideas for a new or different approach to this issue with your parents. I don't know, just a thought...

It troubles me that you were already out in public, at such an early stage in your process, it seemed like it was perhaps premature. This is why so often you hear people here say "Baby Steps' and "Slow Down" and "Easy Does It"...because we can do unintended harm to ourselves by putting ourselves into potentially volatile situations BEFORE we have prepared ourselves properly for those stresses. The unfortunate side-effect in your case is that your feminine confidence has suffered a serious blow needlessly. No matter how poorly your outing went, it in no way predicts your future success. Nobody, I said NOBODY, can just snap their fingers and KNOW how to BE the opposite gender. It takes time and patience and practice, and practice, and practice, and did I mention, practice?

Girl, you have been doing great getting this far. Dig into some gender therapy and spread some educational info with your parents, but stay calm and act as maturely as you can. Temper tantrums will only work against you, by being 'adult', you just might be taken more seriously.

On the other hand, Sally may be on the right track, too. It may turn out that your family is not going to come to grips with your issues, but it is far too early to know, ya know? It will be hard, but you will have your whole lifetime to get the message through to them. The most important part is making sure that YOU are taking care of YOU, because in this life, sister, there are times when we just have to go it alone...

BUT, again, we are getting way ahead of ourselves, tomorrow is another day...

Try again, calmly and clearly, when you are up to it...

BTW, you ARE a beautiful GIRL!!

Love, Svenna

[Guest Mayrah]

Just take it with a grain of salt. Every person at the start of their transition looks weird in many peoples views. Especially for family/friends that know you as the male..

Once you go fulltime, give it a year and it gets alot more easier.

[Michelle 2010]

I have not mentioned this to anyone here yet but I am going to let you know that if you are looking for really vile and hateful speech about yourself and what a total failure you will be - your family is the best place to go.

If they do not support you they will do their absolute very best to totally destroy you - they want you to be who they want you to be because you are their dream not your own - it is all about them and they will call you selfish for wanting to be yourself.

There are parents who really do want the best for their children - these parents are characterized by a totally different approach - no focus on the negatives, no lists of things that you cannot do but help in finding the things that you can do.

The best thing for you is to focus on what you need to do and work toward that end - I know how hard it is to see this at the time of your deepest depression but hang on and you can get where you are going.

A lot of us have made it without the help or support of our family members - we are stronger than we think that we are.

Love ya,

Sally

I hope you will reread this and think about it. It is probably quite important to your mental health and ability to continue on the journey. Often times people engage inm what is known as "self sabotage" . And often it is done without even knowing we do it. If we think lowly of ourselves and we seek validation from those who tear us down it is self destructive. We go into a bar looking for a fight and get our rear ends kicked who is ultimately responsible???

I was sitting in a major International Airport last night waiting for an inbound flight and was wearing a body hugging pullover top, hair down and earrings. I got a few glances but nothing remarkable. I thought to myself what a great place to be anonymous and get comfy expressing my feminine side. among thousands of busy people and a perfect place to practice self confidence, being among people, dining, what ever... in full femme if a person chose to. Everyone else is busy and it would be like a practice game. A busy place like that might be a good starting point?

The main point is, that ultimately the goal isn't so much to get others to accept you and validate that you look like a girl, the ultimate goal is for you to accept who you are, and then all the rest loses its power over you. So maybe do yourself a favor and don't tell a person holding a cup of poison KoolAid that you are thirsty, ok! See, now you know what they have to offer...

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest angels wings]

You and your family are going through so much right now . You need support and acceptance and maybe right now it is difficult for them with your ma having chemotherapy . It's terribly hard on all family members . Your ma maybe feeling anger for many reasons I would not take her words to heart she is going through a very bad time as well . What she said was wrong u don't deserve that . But I think maybe you need to slow it down a bit . Try and stay calm u know in ur heart what makes you happy as a person. Make your plans for your future u can be who you want to be . Your still young and taking the right approach to differnt situations will definetly open new and better doors for u . Let go of the negative try and focous on accepting yourself and loving yourself for the wonderful person you are . I have put this to test for myself in differnt areas of my life I would like to share with you how I coped with some hard stuff .

When I get a thought which turns my thinking and feelings into something negative I straight away do something to distract myself and not entertain the thoughts. Like drawing , cleaning , gardening playing games what ever u enjoy doing. I find that breaks my negative cycle and I move on. we can learn and grow to be better people if we have the right approach . I have been through some horrible things and yet in all that darkness there was light there was hope. You can get through this change your attitude and make it work for you . There is hope there is a great future ahead grab onto it and don't let go .we belive u can do this

[Guest Guest_SL]

I have not mentioned this to anyone here yet but I am going to let you know that if you are looking for really vile and hateful speech about yourself and what a total failure you will be - your family is the best place to go.

You must know my family very well. My mother, my sisters, my wife and now, my own daughter who I raised by myself from age 6 on. Now that hurts so deeply......

Not my topic. Jess, you look like a girl to me and a very cute girl. Put it behind you and keep going forward, okay? Please? The world needs more people like you and a whole lot less like my family.

You're loved here and no one here is going to let you down or lie to you. I don't think anyone here will lead you by the hand to your true self but there are plenty who will hold your hand and walk beside you all the way.

Love,

Sara Lee

[Guest Gwendolyn Elizabeth]

Jessica, I have have found that family members are very invested in maintaining the structures of the family even if it is to the determent of the individual members. They want to see a boy and that is what they will see. My family can't see me as female, even though im full time and pass reasonably well.

*hugs*

Gwen

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Well at least she got your eyebrows worked on. To my western eye you look good. Regardless, it takes practice and placing your mind in the female space to look passable. Its going to take more than a few trips out and a lot of practice at home to get get yourself to that female place that others can see.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You can't be your true self without going through a period of transition. Sometimes it can really get awkward and you can really get depressed.

But read my 'signature." You need to get on HRT for a year or more. The rule is - most people can no longer pass as a male after a year. Most people are NEVER misgendered after 3 years on HRT.

So calm down a bit. KNOW yourself - and realize your sister is thinking of you in the past, and may not see you clearly right now. But she certainly has no idea how much you will feminize in the future - no idea at all.

Lizzy

[Guest angels wings]

Jessica hope u are feeling a little better ((((( hugs))))

[Guest Amelia]

Thanks for the help, everyone. I had some more time to think today, and I sort of have my next big steps and years of my life planned. At least to the extent that it's possible, of course. Even if I don't pass now, and even if I never can, I still am happier with how I am when I dress as me now than ever before. That's much more than I can say at any point in my life. So I guess I just need to be patient and take things as they come... but even with my family's comments, I know that they're still extremely supportive and will be there for me.

P.S.

Boy, do I get poetic when depressed... lol

Jess

[Guest Guest_SL]

JessiJ,

Shake off that depression. Keep the poetic aspect though. You pass now and as Lizzy mentions, you'll only get more feminine as time goes on.

You'll get where you want to be. You're well on your way.

Sara Lee

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Thanks for the help, everyone. I had some more time to think today, and I sort of have my next big steps and years of my life planned. At least to the extent that it's possible, of course. Even if I don't pass now, and even if I never can, I still am happier with how I am when I dress as me now than ever before. That's much more than I can say at any point in my life. So I guess I just need to be patient and take things as they come... but even with my family's comments, I know that they're still extremely supportive and will be there for me.

BINGO!

[Guest angels wings]

Awsome Now that's the way to success u have the key

[Guest Lani]

"... Because you don't."

My own sister said that to me. And no, I don't see it even remotely possible that she's jealous. She's not that kind of person, and I know her very well. She's honest to a fault, is what she is. And we're not talking about passing. We're talking just about physical appearance. I know I have the mannerisms of a girl, as my peers have pointed out. I wish she criticized me for that instead. At least I could change that.

This was my third time out. It was also one of the most uncomfortable, as the stares were blatant and harsh. Or so I perceive. Maybe I'm just crazy. I also wanted to get my eyebrows waxed. My sis initially said no.

"People are going to judge you. It's going to be obvious. You're a boy right now."

"I can take the stares. It will make me happy."

"You obviously can't take them."

But after noticing I was distraught, she called my mom and asked for permission. Surprisingly, she said yes, but nothing too dramatic. That certainly made me feel better. And my brows are indeed more feminine now.

Another small update: my doubts about who I am have subsided completely. Now I just doubt if I can do this. Someone called me a "pretty pretty Asian boy" when I told them I was trans. That destroyed me. How am I supposed to face actual negativity?

But back to the subject at hand. My sister criticized the thing I'm most conscious about. She's the most honest person I know. It hurts so much. My self-esteem is already abysmally low, as my therapist pointed out. She said that I have the worst case of self-esteem issues that she's seen. 32 years of experience and I hold that title. Spectacular. I can't do this. But I have to. Why me, damn it. Why me.

Jess

Jess, there is a difference between constructive criticism and just plain criticism. Constructive criticism is meant to help you by both pointing out your flaws and how to fix those flaws in a positive way that helps. Plain criticism is used to point out your flaws in a matter that negatively impacts you life and make you feel bad. It seems your sister choose the latter over the former.

I totaly agree!!