I Need Help

[Guest sara w.]

im very young and im certain i want to be a girl but i'm not sure how to

1.break it to my mom

2.learn how to apear like a girl (make up,nail polish, clothing, hair ect.)

3.where to talk to a theripist, or get the courage to do it and #1

4.not feel like a freak, beacause honestly i feel like this is driving me INSANE and i really want to start the transition beacause i heard the earlier you do it the more you will look like theoposit gender when it finally happens.

[Sally]

Hi Sara,

I will not be much help on the coming out and transitioning young part, I'm 57 and just now coming out to a few people and the transitioning is going very slowly (on Purpose - business reasons).

I also don't know much about Canadian law regaurding therapist working with minors and thier obligation to inform parents.

I hope that a couple of our younger Canadians will find you post and offer you some more helpful advice.

For now, try to find as much information as you can without coming out to anyone, you want to be the one to tell your mother!

As far as not feeling like a freak, that will take time - you still feel like you are doing something wrong. You need to look at your condition like an invisible club foot, a birth defect that you can and need to correct. Maybe then you can learn to love yourself - your true self! It is hard, but I would imagine that it would all be easier if started younger. Learning to love my trueself was a major project, but once completed I see my self as a beautiful woman (who needs to shed another 125 pounds).

Ask questions and read all of the new posts, this is a great place to learn and make friends,

Sally

[Guest debo]

ok im 15 i just told my mom 3 weeks ago and she kinda in shock bout it still i guess u would have to tell ur mom before u go to theripy i mean after i told my mom i felt great i mean i guess it feels good to get nuts off ur chest u know but if u dont tell her in person write her a leter and leave it somewere she will fine it and i guess that all the advise i can really give u cuz im still dealing with alot of stuff

[Guest sara w.]

thank you, both of you for your replies i feel a little better.

[Guest Nelly]

Hi,

I will try to give some usefull answers

1.break it to my mom

I do not know how good your relationship is to your mom. Most time mothers love their kids equal what they are or what they have done.

It is important to present the information in the right way. As you wrote, you are not realy sure about your gender identity. So I would suggest not to say "I want to be a girl". I would ask your mother for help to find out something. People are allways happy if they can help. If yo can help it is good but if people must do something, people go into defence mode. I think just telling let people going into defence mode because they mabye think they have done something wrong with you.

2.learn how to apear like a girl (make up,nail polish, clothing, hair ect.)

Once you have talked to your mom, she can help you to learn it. That it is the same procedure like for every other girl.

3.where to talk to a theripist, or get the courage to do it and #1

I think again, you need the help from your mom. So talking to your mom is the first step. To find a therapist depent on your location. So the internet can help you to.

4.not feel like a freak

This is something that only you can handle. It is the way you see you. Why is a person a freak if the person want to be a woman in the future? A lot of small girls want to be a woman. So why not you. You can be what ever you want be. It is not wrong. It was written somewhere here in the forum to explain what MTF are.

They are not men who wnats to be women, they are women not to be men.

Maybe it helps to see it like that way.

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest sara w.]

well you know how very young kids sort of between pre-teen and mid-teens are scared beacause they realize that everything around them is changing and that they will have to change (wether they want to or not) to properly fit in with society well when i said young i mean 13 young so i am like 100% on the scared sht-less meter about telling my mom. your advice on telling her was good but my main problem is finding out the perfect way of telling her without her freaking out and that i don't get completely choked up when i say it,for halloween this year i was planning on pretending that i wanted to go then asking my mom if she could make me look like a girl for halloween, so i could see for once what its like to look like a girl, and i would just say after everything was done "mom i just realized this is too strange for me, i dont want to get made fun of, im not going this year" and when i tryed to tell her my "costume" idea i got so choked up i have never felt that scared in my life and i knew it would be ok and she probobly wouldn't find out beacause i would just say "its a costume and to calm down". but it was impossible to say the ending part of my sentence "mom for halloween i was thinking of going as a......." :'(

[Guest Karen-1954]

You might try looking online and in groups like this to find a gender therapist in your area and when you tell your mother, give her the name of the therapist and let her know that you would like to get guidence for the both of you.

[Guest Sarinah]

Sara,

It doesnt really matter how you tell her, shes going to have her reaction whatever it may be, it may surprise you or it may be what you expect. No one can tell how another person will react. The important thing is expressing how you feel in a way that your comfortable. For me that was writeing a letter which I handed to my parents then told them to read completely and then come talk to me about it.

You also need to be prepared to answer questions, all sorts of questions. Some questions may be medical, religious, or personal. Look for answers online and within yourself. If you come up with a question you cant find the answer to ask and myself and others here will certainly try to help. If you want help thinking of questions that your parents might have its okay to ask for suggestion on that as well.

[Guest Rayne]

im very young and im certain i want to be a girl but i'm not sure how to

1.break it to my mom

2.learn how to apear like a girl (make up,nail polish, clothing, hair ect.)

3.where to talk to a theripist, or get the courage to do it and #1

4.not feel like a freak, beacause honestly i feel like this is driving me INSANE and i really want to start the transition beacause i heard the earlier you do it the more you will look like theoposit gender when it finally happens.

OK, take a breath.

First, before you break this to anyone, you have to make sure that you're TS. The way to do that is therapy. Psycologists are in the phone book and if you're that young, tell your mom that you need to talk to a therapist - don't tell her why - just tell her that you have some issues that you're trying to work out. Some feelings. Ask her to trust you. Most parents are willing to help you.

If your theapist confirms you're a TS, you have to decide how far you want to go down this road, or if you want to start at all. Only you can decide that.

If you want to go further, like with clothes and such, there are things to help you. You have to develop your own look as far as clothes, but I'd advise you to dress the way women around you dress. Don't be a horse among zebras. The idea of passing is to fit in. Hair, clothes, the works.

As for make up, less is more. A little blush, a little eye shadow, a little eye liner and you're good. You can either choose to highlight the lips or the eyes, but not both. I always choose eyes, but that's me.

Next, DON'T FEEL LIKE A FREAK!!!! Whether you're a TS or not, remember that there are more people out there just like you. Whatever the diagnosis remember that it's who you ARE and there's no need to be ashamed of it.

Lastly, yes.....the sooner you start hormones the better off you are. If you start around puberty you'll get much better results than those of us that started later in life.

Rayne

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lotta good advice here - but if I read it right and you are 13, you won't need to worry about your mom. Just tell her.

She will react, but so what? She will want to help you. Just be honest and don't let her or anyone else try to make you say or do somehing that isn't what you are in your heart.

In some ways you probably are like me at thirteen - sad, sad, sad. I started about age 6 knowing something was terribly wrong - I was never able to talk to my mom, and I wish I could have. She is now no longer here - and I missed growing up with her, and she having me as I really am. I hope she looks down at me and smiles, saying its okay - its okay... I think she does.

Good luck on your journey - it isn't our fault we feel we aren't really what we appear to be.

[Guest sara w.]

all of your advice is great, only i heard that its more shocking if the person acted like the gender that they are and its, almost no shock at all if they've acted like the gender they want to be, im male right now and i've acted masculin for im guessing all my life, i'm going to be on the football team in high school next year i like lots of vid games, i acted happy when i started to see my voice was changing and that i was growing more hair, so im extreamly scared about if she will be completely shocked and just reject me and im worryed if she is completely shocked that she will tell the whole family (they live about 6 hours away from our city) and well i want to come out to her first and then slowly come out to the rest of my family, and also if she rejects me and kicks me out of the house(she might be that shocked, hopefuly not)i wont have anywhere to go and even if i did i'd say "hey (friends's name) can i stay at your place for a while?" "why?" "well my mom kicked me out of the house." "...ummm why did she do that?" >im not going to have any good enough excuse to be able to stay there.

[Guest Emily1]

all of your advice is great, only i heard that its more shocking if the person acted like the gender that they are and its, almost no shock at all if they've acted like the gender they want to be, im male right now and i've acted masculin for im guessing all my life, i'm going to be on the football team in high school next year i like lots of vid games, i acted happy when i started to see my voice was changing and that i was growing more hair, so im extreamly scared about if she will be completely shocked and just reject me and im worryed if she is completely shocked that she will tell the whole family (they live about 6 hours away from our city) and well i want to come out to her first and then slowly come out to the rest of my family, and also if she rejects me and kicks me out of the house(she might be that shocked, hopefuly not)i wont have anywhere to go and even if i did i'd say "hey (friends's name) can i stay at your place for a while?" "why?" "well my mom kicked me out of the house." "...ummm why did she do that?" >im not going to have any good enough excuse to be able to stay there.

Usually, they wont straight up kick you out without letting you find somewhere to stay. though if your friends are true friends, you can be vague, and just ask them to help you and trust you, and they should be willing to help.

[Guest Evan_J]

Whoa, slow down, I understand "wanting to be prepared" and "having a plan B" but you're projecting a lot right now. You're like "this'll happen, and then that, and then maybe that, and then and then...." None of this stuff's happened at this point And the hope is none of it (getting put out, her calling the relatives and so you can't stay with them, needing to call a friend, etc, etc) will. 13 is a good age for a mother to really not want to put a kid out of the house by themself. She would be more likely to freak out and ask "which one of your friends influenced you to this". The best thing is go slow, and when I say that I mean in a "be gentle" kind of way. If you break it gentle she'll be more inclined to react gentle. You drop a bomb, subsequent bombs are lilkely to go off. Having read the coming out of a few of the young peeps on this site I would say the better responses occur when the person is most honest and not afraid to let the parent see the full range of emotions they're having regarding the issue. That means the stuff that no one want anyone to see too; like fear, or embarassment or even shame. Its actually how someone knows the depth of a situation and the serious affect its having on the wellbeing of the person. There are a few mothers who unfortunately won't fit this next descriptor, but for the most part, most mothers are afraid for their kids more than anything else. They don't want you or anybody else hurting you. Their first response then often feels like "she wants to stop me" but the end of the sentence is "because she's afraid of what will happen to me, that the life I'll have won't be good, or that other people will not be accepting, or that the process will not be healthy." Keep that in mind when you deal with her. You might even say "I know you are scared for me but please listen".

[Guest Sarinah]

all of your advice is great, only i heard that its more shocking if the person acted like the gender that they are and its, almost no shock at all if they've acted like the gender they want to be, im male right now and i've acted masculin for im guessing all my life, i'm going to be on the football team in high school next year i like lots of vid games, i acted happy when i started to see my voice was changing and that i was growing more hair, so im extreamly scared about if she will be completely shocked and just reject me and im worryed if she is completely shocked that she will tell the whole family (they live about 6 hours away from our city) and well i want to come out to her first and then slowly come out to the rest of my family, and also if she rejects me and kicks me out of the house(she might be that shocked, hopefuly not)i wont have anywhere to go and even if i did i'd say "hey (friends's name) can i stay at your place for a while?" "why?" "well my mom kicked me out of the house." "...ummm why did she do that?" >im not going to have any good enough excuse to be able to stay there.

Dont worry about your mother kicking you out. For one she loves you and she wants you to be okay so shes going to try to be involved in your life and she cant do that if she kicks you out. Second your only 13 she couldnt kick you out if she wanted to, its reckless abandonment.

As for telling your family, I wouldnt be afraid of that either. More then likely she will want to understand the situation completely before shes ready to talk about it, and will almost certainly want you to be comfortable about it as well. She may however feel obligated to tell your father, but if you tell her you arent ready for him to know yet she will most likely respect your wishes.

As for the shock factor maybe I can share my own experience. I am 26 years old, I just told my parents about 3 weeks ago. I have 3 older brothers who basically raised me because my parents were working hard to get us out of poverty. My brothers are the macho policeman type (litterally they are all cops). Any ounce of feminity I expressed growing up was singled out and used as a weapon by my brothers, so I learned how to be a "man" and hide myself. My family is also conservative christian and transgender/homosexuality are something they neither understand nor condone. As I said before I told my parents in a letter then sat down and talked to them. In that letter I told them how I felt, what I was going to do about it, and what I wanted from them. Simply I asked them for their love and compassion. Much to my surprise I got it without question. They didnt understand what I was going through but they knew that what I needed was their love. They were shocked, but they didnt react horribly because of it.

[Guest amie]

I know this isn't much, Sara. But when I finally grew the spine to tell Momma I was 7 kindza scared myself. I took a letter to her and my lil' Sis and let the two of them read it in front of me in that order. I was already in the process of dammin' up the waterworks and had been for several minutes at the point my Sister walked toward me and said, "Shane-look at me. I love you, and I've always suspected this. I'm so very proud of you." Momma then said, "I've always seen this in you, Baby. It's okay." And that was it for the holdin' back the tears thingee. I just let go and can't remember when I cried so hard yet so comfortably. The two put their arms around me and I've never felt so loved and accepted. There was a very special feeling involved that if only for a few minutes, I could be my more so soft n' sensitive self and all those years of havin' to be tough n' callused was nothin' but pure bull****. It was one big, fat dirty lie that I was physically coerced into supporting, if you will. I guess a faceted moral of this story is: You'd be surprised what Momma knows, Sara. Hang in there, Sweety. I hope this turns out wonderfully for you. Be brave.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh, Amie...what a beautiful story! 'Snif'...Now you got me going...Ah...that was sweet.

I could just feel the love and acceptance there! How wonderful!

Thanks for sharing that!

Donna Jean

[Guest amie]

Oh, Amie...what a beautiful story! 'Snif'...Now you got me going...Ah...that was sweet.

I could just feel the love and acceptance there! How wonderful!

Thanks for sharing that!

Donna Jean

Thanks for the nice n' sweetened words, Donna. It was a trully beautiful day in the end. I'm forever grateful.

[Guest sara w.]

it just feels so hard beacause theres only me and my mom, if i had a sibling around my age who helped me while i was telling my mom it would make it so much easyer and i asked her how she felt on gay marraige and trans people.

she said for gay marriage "hmmmmm i don't know i'd have to think about that" i said "what if you had a son or daughter who was gay and wanted to get married?" again she said "still i'd have to think about it"

and about trans people she said "as long as they don't bring me into all of it, i don't care" and i also asked her if she wanted a girl when i was born and she said "yea, but im still happy i got you"

but im her son who wants to be her daughter if i reveal myself then i WOULD be bringing her into it. and since its just me and her if she reacts like im some monster then im going to be alone here.