Advice on Coming Out to my spouse....

[Guest angels wings]

That is great progress . Thanks for the update . She will be hurt and confused questioning who on earth has she really been married to . I know I have . After 19 years my partner telling me she needed to transition was a shock . You think you know your partner well like no other. Then you get told differnt and you wonder how blind you were that you saw no signs . She will slowly get through it just don't rush her . Keep loving and hugging

Angel

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Well that gives me a reason for hope. She feels the same way you describe. I hope she comes around to think like you do.

I'm still waiting for her to respond to my "i love you" with an "i love you too" but that will come eventualy I suppose. She let me touch her shoulder in comfort and support yesterday. A good sign.

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

Well, I think we are past the worst of it. She made me delete my Amazon account because she played detective and found some records of stuff I bought there. Not happy about the money. Just like I thought. Part of the deal is I loose my checking account and put my check in her account. I'll be on a strict allowance I suppose.

Gspy.

You do realize if you do this you will literally be at her mercy. Not sure if you get paid weekly ,bi weekly or monthly. If you give up you own checking account and put you funds in her account she could put you out and you would have zero money. This would be the worst if you get paid monthly. Never ever let let someone have this kind of control especially right after dropping a bomb on them like you did. So basically what I am saying is be smart cover your butt. If you really will go through with this them make sure the account of hers gets changed to having both your names on it for you own safety. The demands just sound a lot like a set up to me.

Agreed, bad move.

[Michelle 2010]

I'm kind of late to this topic but the reality is that you either will or will not stay married and you are not in control of the outcome. If, when the turning point in your marriage is complete, you are arrainging visitation rights with your son or crawling into bed with your wife in your new satin pajamas, it will not be your decision. what you have contol of is your own behavior. Specifically, I'm thinking of engaging in sneaky behavior. Your wife wants your paycheck and checkbook not because you disclosed you wear dresses but because you buy dresses behind her back and have done so for some time.

We all stand at sometime in our TG journey at the cliff staring into an unknown future which may include the loss of every thing. The one thing you don't need to lose is your integrity. If you walk away from your 13 year marriage with nothing more than the clothes on your back and a steamer trunk full of feminine possessions you can do it with integrity intact or in tatters. If you end up starting over, perhaps developing friends in your new world, you can walk into it knowing that you are a transgendered human being who has character and dignity... I would hate to lose everything: material, family, pride etc. and know that I also compromised my integrity. Integrity is a pretty good foundation to build a new world on...

Just my .02.

Hugs

Michelle

p.s. I missed the sign of optimism late in the thread when I originally posted. Am happy there is Hope. My thoughts remain the same regarding integrity Good Luck!

[Michelle 2010]

In reflecting on my above post written in haste, I find it a little overbearing, though the core message is sound. I apologize for any rudeness that might have seeped in. The reality is I have control over nothing in my life other than how I live it. I am married, have a business, and have no control over what any people do, only how I respond to them. If I act with integrity I can always look myself in the mirror. Again, sorry to be brusque.

Michelle

[Guest JamieJamie]

Glad to hear you got the cat out of the bag. It sounds like your wife responded very similar to my own. Understandably. They have a right to be upset and quite honestly they do not have to accept this.

My wife has always had control of the finances and honestly it has occurred to me that she could easily take all the money. However now is not the time to show distrust in eachother. You dropped a bombshell on her, give her time to take it in. Expect her to have some drawbacks along the way and know that she could change her mind at any time.

I've been told that I should just do what I need to with this and nevermind anyone else. I reallise however that I made a commitment to my wife when I married her and a commitment to my children when I decided to have them. If I am going to salvage this relationship I have to include her in this process and accept her input along the way. I need to be sensitive to her needs as well as my own. If I do not do this I will lose her for sure and my children will pay the biggest price.

I think you are doing the right thing, give her the benefit of the doubt, after all she deserves it after the bombshell you just dropped on her.

Best wishes...

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Yesterday she replied to my "I love you" with an " I love you" of her own. She's in a better mood and let me hold her a bit last night. No intimacy yet, she said we aren't there yet. But it's going in a good direction I suppose.

As far as the money thing goes, my name is on the account that we wil be using. I'm not too worried about her taking everything and throwing me out on my ear now. She doesn't want to disturb our son so we are trying to make it look like nothing has changed. So far I think we have been successful. But throwing me out would definately make it obvious that something is wrong.

[Guest JamieJamie]

It sounds like you're right on with your judgement MsGsptlsnz. Keep up with what you're doing.

She doesn't want to disturb our son so we are trying to make it look like nothing has changed. So far I think we have been successful. But throwing me out would definately make it obvious that something is wrong.

We are in the same boat in this regards. Although it sounds like your wife might accept your dressing better than mine would. If I started dressing or wearing makeup my wife has made it clear it is a deal breaker. As long as my transition is underneath she will be much more accepting.

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Although it sounds like your wife might accept your dressing better than mine would. If I started dressing or wearing makeup my wife has made it clear it is a deal breaker. As long as my transition is underneath she will be much more accepting.

Yeah, mine isn't ready to meet the other me yet either... May never be, not sure. We are taking it one day at a time and seeing where it leads us.

[Guest angels wings]

I too was not ready to see my partners true self what I did which might help you and Jamie is I started with basic stuff I got her a pair of girl jeans first . She wore them now she has three pairs. She hates the other pants and wears the girly one all the time now . I have also done her eye brows . Little steps . Doing the whole thing is too much at once . When we are alone I got her a dress and shoes . You slowly build up . Takes time . Hope that helps

Angel

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Time for some rambling...

My wife confuses me. I think it was the fem side of me that fell in love with her in the first place. She's a bit of a tom boy and not a small woman. Being with her made me feel more fem because of that. I've always dated larger women, I think for that reason. When I was supressing the fem side I lost intrest in her, i suspect, because she isn't girly. I kept trying to get her to be more girly while I was trying to be more male. Those were square pegs trying to fit in round holes. Sexy nightgowns aren't her thing. Now I'd love to be sleeping in a lacy teddy or vintage nightgown curled up in her arms. But that's another post I suppose...

Now I am offering her the best situation. I won't be pushing her to be girly and I am back to being attracted to her. But she is angry that I didn't tell her this 13 years ago and she feels like the man she married is gone. I think the man she married is back and in a better frame of mind but she wont see it that way.

Good news though, she wanted me to kiss her before she went to work today! She let me hold her last night for a bit! Baby steps I suppose.

If we can just survive the weekend with my family I think we will be on track.

[Guest *Charlotte P*]

Sounds like things are progressing nicely, keep us informed as we are here to support you and are interested in how it is going...

Hugs, Charlotte.

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Weekend with family thankfully over...

I had to stay on call for the weekend and it was a very busy weekend. I almost doubled my paycheck with overtime work. The wife was torn over letting me go work so we would get money and keeping me with my family so she could hide behind me. In the end she took the money. She was a tad torqued when she realized I stole some time between calls to dress up but she cooled off after her shower and accepted my point that she won't conspire to get me some alone time so I have to make it up when I can. That and my family stresses me out too so I needed that time to let some pressure off.

We are slowly crawling back to normal. We will be blending accounts this week as promiced.

[Guest angels wings]

Glad to hear its slowly working out .

Angel

[Guest KatyDesire]

The advice you have had about taking it gently with your spouse can only be supported. She is going to be having all sorts of concerns running through her head - are you gay, is she going to end up married to a woman, are you going to embarrass her, will you want a reassignment surgery.

My suggestion is that, now that she knows about it, back off. Let her get used to the idea from an intellectual point of view. I would not advise letting her see you en femme at this stage. Make as much literature available for her as she wants to read - books like "My husband Betty" are great.

She needs to realise that you are the same person you were before - only nicer, and now she knows why. She must not feel threatened.

We all tend to focus on ourselves - the trauma of coming out, of facing all the problems etc. Sometimes we need to focus a bit more on our significant others. If she is uncomfortable seeing you dressed, and since you have been hiding it from her for so long, you need to consider whether it really is necessary to rub her nose in it right now.

Give it time. She will let you know when she is relaxed enough to cope with more.

And don't lose your sense of humor. Sometimes we really can look very silly in some of the get-ups. If you see she wants to laugh when she looks at you, join in. Perhaps she will prefer to help you choose the right clothes next time!

But hang in there girl - you're doing good!

Hugs.

Katy

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Yeah, I need to slow down with this. But it gets agrivating. I want so much for us to share everything but I know if I come out of my closet in even my most subdued outfit she is going to flip. I feel the need to be intimate with her, she still won't let that happen. Not sure what's up with that. She claims she wants us back to intimacy but she isn't making the moves. I just don't know if I can perform without being en-fem. I'm not sure what to do.

[Guest angels wings]

She is may maybe scared . Now that she knows she is maybe not sure how to treat you in an intimate way . What she knew has changed . Talikng and lots of talking to each other about it may help. I too was to scared to make a move for quite a while .

Angel

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Last night we had another hickup... I left a bra on the bed and somehow it got wrapped around Koko the Monkey... Naughty monkey playing with mommies underthings! Anyhow, it set off a long conversation about how I am supposed to be keeping her from seeing anything related to the cross dressing and she was upset that I had done it at lunch when I was clearly so tired when I got home.

I asked her if she had ever wondered what it would like to be a man. She said she never has. I accepted the statement but I don't really beleive it. Most people do but she doesn't want to give me any traction for an argument later on. She is always thinking about the next argument, it's because she is from a totaly screwed up family so I cut her slack.

She keep going on like she has to make all the sacrifices here. I'm stil sleeping in mens PJs, I'm still doing it when I can steal an hour here and there. I'm no on a very tight budget and shopping for new clothes is not on that budget. I can't get my new bust project started now that she is pinching every penny of mine. I am sacrificing and she doesn't see it. I don't want to argue with her at this point but I want her to see that I am not doing everything I want to do either.

Grr....

Maybe I need to find a therapist. There are no Gender Therapists around here, would a General Therapist be ok?

[Guest JamieJamie]

Hi MsGsptlsnz, It saddens me to see this is happening to you. However I'm not sure you really want to hear what I am about to say. It sounds to me from what you are saying that your wife is trying to control your dressing, or rather trying to eliminate it. She just wants the old you back. Sadly for both of you that is very unlikely to happen.

It sounds as if she really misses the husband she thought she knew and is doing everything she can to get that person back. Unfortunately that person never really existed.

I am in a similar boat whereas my wife really doesn't want me to dress or present as a woman. For me I can live with that though since this is not the issue with me. I just wnat my physical body to match with my mind. The outer wrapper, my clothing, is irrellevent to what is underneath.

The best thing we can do to preserve our relationships is to take things very slow. Something that is very hard to do when the inner me is trying so hard to get out.

Give your wife some time, she doesn't have to but hopefully she can come to accept this.

~jamie

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Yeah, it's tough and you are right about her trying to control the dressing. But I think things are going in the right direction.

[Guest Kim Smith]

Oh I wish I had seen this sooner...

Not sure if this will apply, since all situations are different, but here is my story, as short as I can keep it.

For the first few months, the biggest issue was that my wife was very angry that I lied to her about who and what I am. I got the very same questions about not telling before we were married. She felt I stole her opportunity to make an informed decision about wether or not to be with me for all those years.

There were money issues too. She was out buying her clothes at Goodwill to help save money, and I was buying off the rack at JCP and Target. That made her believe I thought the cross dressing was more important than the marriage.

Once that started to die down, she was afraid that I loved "Kim" more than I loved her (I suppose we all have to decide what degree of truth there is in that!). I had to think long and hard about what was more important to me: crosdressing or being a husband and a father. I put my clothes away for months as a peace offering (and quite honestly was OK with that because I realized she IS more important to me.)

We went through a roller coaster ride for a while. She sometimes pushed herself to be more accepting than she wanted to be, and then there would be a backlash of resentment. She told my sister and practically ALL of our friends, because "that is how women work things out - they talk!"

We got a counselor (I HIGHLY RECCOMMEND THIS!!!) and that has helped a lot. He is not a gender therapist, but he has seen a few other clients with gender dysphoria issues.

Finally, she started expressing how she really felt, no holds barred. We did this with the therapist, another good idea.

So, here I am, four years later. Thank God, still married. And thanks to the therapist, in some ways better than ever.

She acknowledges my crosdressing while asking me to respect her desire to not be around when I do it. I think that is as good as it gets.

I guess for our situation, being open and completely honest was crucial, but could only come when the time was right.

I would suggest also that small gestures of kindness could help. It can remind her how you feel about her.

Good luck girl!

And get a therapist!

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

I really want to get us into some therapy. She needs it in spades. Not only for what this is doing to her but becuase her father is an abusive peice of human garbage who beat the whole family. I've been trying to get her to see a therapist for as long as we have been married but she is very resistant to it. I've offered now to do couples therapy but she still won't move forward with it. Our son wants her to get some help for her anger management issues and she still wont go. I honestly don't know what it's going to take to get her in to a therapy session of any kind.

I haven't updated this in a bit, I guess it's a good enough opportunity now.

We have pretty much returned to "normal" for us. We are "intimate" at least a couple times a week now. She is back to saying "I love you". But she still uses the cross dressing as a club when she want's me to do something. She is putting her foot down about Halloween, we WILL do one more year "as a family": which pretty much means I can't dress and do Deadweird (a no holds barred halloween festival in Deadwood). She still won't let me have control of money, which may not be a bad thing, I can be a shopaholic when I get stressed.

But things overall seem good. If only I could get her to see a therapist I think things would work out great.