Spouse Of A Crossdresser

[Guest jessw76]

I recently found out that my husband is a cd. I found out by accident he didnt tell me. I feel hurt, angry. Mainly I feel this way because of the way it came out and all the lies around it. I guess what brought me here is that i want to be able to talk with and get to know other people that have or are going through what we are. I want a better understanding of what he is going through I love him and want to support him. I cant talk to my friends about this...A-I dont want to tell people something he may not want them to know right now and B-we all know how closeminded society is. I need someone I can turn to and talk to without it hurting him in the process. Thank you all for listening

[Guest Donna Jean]

Awww, Jess, welcome, hon...

I can hear the pain in your heart...I'm so sorry that you are so upset, but, you came to the right place. Please sit down and relax...there are wonderful people here that will talk and try to give help and lend an ear and a sholder...

These things can be really hard, so, talking helps lots...

Hot coco for you....something sweet, too?

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest Karen-1954]

Welcome again, I caught your other post. All I can suggest is to go slow, only the two of you can decide who and when to tell others. I strongly recommend a gender therapist. They can help both of you figure things out.

Hugs,

Karen

[Guest Arbon]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome. Glad you found this site and hope it helps.

[Guest CamilaRose]

Jess,

Hello and welcome! Glad to hear you're trying to understand...understanding people rock!

I'm sorry to hear the pain in your post...I wish I could help more. ;(

I'll tell you a little of what I'm going through, in hopes that it will in some small measure help you to understand your SO. I'm still fairly new to this, and not 'out' as such except to my SO and her mother (she did that, btw). There's a fair amount of some rather nasty emotions I deal with on a daily basis, which would account for, if not excuse my lying to my SO if she hadn't been so accepting and loving. I've got, in no particular order:

• Shame - the feeling that I'm doing something wrong, and that anyone who found out would ridicule or otherwise hurt me
  
• Self Loathing - not really in control of my feelings about my gender, but hating them all the same because they are likely to cause problems for me and may well hurt some of the people I love dearly
  
• Depression - Not being able to be what I want NOW, not seeing where this is going, not really able to bottle up my feelings anymore but not usually able to act on them either. Having to present to the world a caricature for the sake of 'fitting in'.
  
• Disgust - Feeling like I'm somehow perverted or 'wrong' in the head.
  

There's more, but I'd rather not get alarmed PM's by giving you the laundry list. I'd be happy to try to explain more in a PM, if you'd like. Basically what I'm trying to say is that coming out can be a terrifying experience, especially if it's not by choice. Although I'm not trying to excuse or condone lying, I can understand it, especially under circumstances like being 'outed' unexpectedly.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but hang in there, you're among friends!

(Hugs)

Cami

[Guest joan eden]

I can only say as a CD how I feel.My wive knows but, wont talk about it. Sometimes I feel like an alien on this planet.Why I'm I like this?The feeling I get when I'm dressed is undiscribleable.There are people in this country who would like to kill everyone of us.It is not at least in some ways a choice.I have purged everthing. I have swore it off, but, here I'am.Happier at it then ever.Try to be understanding.TRi-ess has support groups ypu might try them.

[Simon/Sarah]

My wife after struggling with me at first being a CD and then becoming a MTF, she eventually talked to a good physiologist (without me) which really helped her in a BIG way.

My wife found Laura's playground a big help but, there are things you can and things you can't say online for obvious reasons but in a one on one session with a good psychologist you can talk about ANYTHING at all without offending anyone or being censored which turned out to be what my wife really needed in order to help her deal with me being a transsexual.

I am not easily offended so feel free to private message me if you have ANY questions for me or my wife.

Best of luck Jessw76

[Guest gg_br_alex]

I think that once you know, your husband's greatest fear or anxiety have gone. This is an opportunity to talk things through and re-discover your husband as well as yourself.

Take a look around the forum, see what people are saying, read on the subject. If you do so, you will have the correct information about cross-dressing, gender-bending, and everything related, so when you finally have a conversation with him about it, you won't be in the dark and he won't feel like a misunderstood alien.

This will also help you put your feelings about the topic in order. This way you'll know what you're willing to handle and what you're not, what you could be afraid of, and what good you could take from this.

I hope I have been of some help! Best wishes.

[Guest *Charlotte P*]

You said that you love and want to support your husband, you are going in the right direction and your support will be the most important and comforting thing he can have. A supportive and loving spouse makes being CD not only less stressful, but downright fun on all levels. You can read thru these forums and you will see the different postings from those who have supporting spouses and those who do not. It is obvious from the posts that the support really makes a difference.

The advice given above is very good, take it to heart, a therapist is best, this forum is a fantastic resource for you as well. I hope this forum will be of help and comfort to you as you figure out what is going on with your life at the moment, Please do share with us.

Charlotte.

[Guest coping2014]

My husband just came out to me a few weeks ago as well. He claims it's just CDing and nothing more than that. I was a bit crazy at first and completely emotional but agreed to talk again about it after doing a little online research. That's when I found this site - All the information has helped me a lot just wish there was a little more SO responses but at least everyone has been very kind and NO judgement even when I shared my feelings that weren't completely supportive. That understanding has really helped me in talking with my own husband. We have continued talking which at least a step in the right direction (in my mind anyway).

I didn't discover my husbands secret - I actually was in denial about it a we had experimented years ago with it as a part of spicing up the bedroom. He know I didn't really like it at all and he tossed everything we had collected from it and we didn't ever talk of it again. Well a few weeks ago he had been really quite so I pressed him to talk and we went out driving. He said it was a difficult subject my mind went CRAZY and every bad scenario went through my head. He wouldn't tell me other than to say he wasn't cheating or anything like that and for a moment my mind when back to that phase (or how I saw it) in the bedroom years ago. At that moment i was like NO anything but that - I can't do that. It was then that I realized I had been in denial this whole well maybe not that moment but as I was reading through a lot of the posts on here I realized it. I'm still trying to understand (and so is he) it is gonna be a long road but I'm hoping we can figure it out. But I still have so many questions that he can't answer and I don't deal well with uncertainty - I'm more of a planner and the unknown is driving me crazy. Would love to talk more if you are interested. I keep searching posts of cases like ours but most aren't just CD and its transitioning (one of my questions for my husband - he says no but as I read all this I really wonder?)

Hoping things are ok on your end my only advise (and it's not much sorry ) keep talking. I am literally having to drag it out of him to talk. He will kind of off handedly mention he wants to visit and can we take a drive. I say ok lets go and we start driving and we will drive for over 30 minutes and it's silence! That kills me - I finally told him that for me that silence is way worse than anything he could say so PLEASE just spit it out out! He's getting better but I have to be the one to start the conversation every time. I usually start with I know we both don't know what to say and how to say it but we have to start somewhere so as long as we BOTH respond back with what we heard so the other know it came out right then we can maybe slowly move forward. AND yes many times we have both had to reword what we are saying because it did't come out right (almost always!) but at least we are giving each other the benefit of the doubt that we really don't want to hurt one another. It's a SLOW process but at least it's something.

Coping2014

[VickySGV]

The twin factors of guilt and shame come up in almost all of the conversations I have had over the years with CD/SO pairs. It can go on that way for years without full resolution. For some the feelings become spice in an otherwise "story book" marriage, but for others it is hell until some deep underlying issues are uncovered and dealt with. CDing is a very real part of the TG spectrum and can be and is the end to which all things go without worries of future upheaval or transition. If the relationship is hellacious and full of mistrust, Gender Therapy / Spousal Therapy DOES work to get rid of the guilt and shame and make it a useful part of two wonderful lives. GT DOES NOT lead to transition of the Gender Dysphoric partner automatically,instead it leads to comfortable loving lives of the partners that can go on and on like the best story ever written.

[Guest coping2014]

Hello coping2014,

I was a crossdresser when my wife and I were married, we went places with me underdressed we made love as females but then things changed,due to various stress situations the sex side of things changed and I started to feel guilty being dressed,not being able to enjoy the delight of openly dressing I started to be secretive which which of course is impossible when you have an otherwise loving relationship.It is very,very dificult to talk when relations are strained and there are meaningful silences.The end of your post is so like us,I am not quite sure what the situation is now with us,when I dress for an evening I feel very guilty, and it is the guilt that makes it difficult to talk,

Lots of love and courage,

vivianmichael

Vivianmichael,

I'm hoping that the more we try to talk the better - but I dont' want it to consume our lives either - it is such a balancing act. I don't want him to feel guilty - I FEEL guilty if that is how he feels - it makes me feel like such a hipocite. I consider myself to be a fairly open individual on different views but I just don't know how to deal with this - it's putting me to the test that is for sure. I think if it was JUST the CD we could probably find a way to work through everything. My concern is will that be enough most all the posts I read on this site the CD leads to transitioning - I haven't heard many stories of that not being the case. I hate this uncertainty and I'm sure he does too. Thanks for your comments!

Coping2014

[Guest coping2014]

The twin factors of guilt and shame come up in almost all of the conversations I have had over the years with CD/SO pairs. It can go on that way for years without full resolution. For some the feelings become spice in an otherwise "story book" marriage, but for others it is hell until some deep underlying issues are uncovered and dealt with. CDing is a very real part of the TG spectrum and can be and is the end to which all things go without worries of future upheaval or transition. If the relationship is hellacious and full of mistrust, Gender Therapy / Spousal Therapy DOES work to get rid of the guilt and shame and make it a useful part of two wonderful lives. GT DOES NOT lead to transition of the Gender Dysphoric partner automatically,instead it leads to comfortable loving lives of the partners that can go on and on like the best story ever written.

Vicky,

I understand that but just trying to process out different scenerios in my head - I know I'm thinking way to far down the road but I can't help it - it's how Im wired lol

I play out all the different things to see if I can do this I guess and some yes I think I could but others I'm not sure and I want to share that with my husband but I don't want to put limits to his happiness either. If we can't work this out I want to seperate on good terms - I love him - I still want to have a relationship with him. I want what is best for BOTH of us and figuring that out while not stepping one the others toes and offending is tricky I want him to be completely happy it's just that I want that too - my fear is that we both can't have what we want without the other compromising a part of themselves - I don't want that for either of us.

Coping2014

Thanks for sharing!

[VickySGV]

The only unchanging thing in life is change itself. Things that seem impossible for the next week will be highly doable in a month or two, or even a year or more. As a recovering Alcoholic, I help newer recoveree's get a new start on life, and one of the things early in the process that needs to be followed, is living today on today's terms or we set up failure and pain as our goal. What dismays you today will excite you tomorrow, and what you chased and caught today will bite you and run away by this evening. I plan on being here tomorrow, kind of, but I only know I can be here in this minute and pushing the post button could be my last action ever. You will change and your spouse will change, and that would have happened anyway. Please calm down and do not overload your spouse or yourself. The answer you get today will not be helpful beyond the day.

[Guest coping2014]

Vicky,

I do really hope that is true! And will work to slow down and take it a day at a time!

Coping2014

[Guest]

Hello coping2014,

I was a crossdresser when my wife and I were married, we went places with me underdressed we made love as females but then things changed,due to various stress situations the sex side of things changed and I started to feel guilty being dressed,not being able to enjoy the delight of openly dressing I started to be secretive which which of course is impossible when you have an otherwise loving relationship.It is very,very dificult to talk when relations are strained and there are meaningful silences.The end of your post is so like us,I am not quite sure what the situation is now with us,when I dress for an evening I feel very guilty, and it is the guilt that makes it difficult to talk,

Lots of love and courage,

vivianmichael

Vivianmichael,

I'm hoping that the more we try to talk the better - but I dont' want it to consume our lives either - it is such a balancing act. I don't want him to feel guilty - I FEEL guilty if that is how he feels - it makes me feel like such a hipocite. I consider myself to be a fairly open individual on different views but I just don't know how to deal with this - it's putting me to the test that is for sure. I think if it was JUST the CD we could probably find a way to work through everything. My concern is will that be enough most all the posts I read on this site the CD leads to transitioning - I haven't heard many stories of that not being the case. I hate this uncertainty and I'm sure he does too. Thanks for your comments!

Coping2014

I would never transition. I belong in girls clothes AND i belong in a mans body.

You have done nothing wrong, nor has he, he didnt come truthful at first because Its hard to come out, and Im sure he didnt want to think to jeopardize his marrige...

[Guest AliciaDB2014]

Hello coping2014,

I was a crossdresser when my wife and I were married, we went places with me underdressed we made love as females but then things changed,due to various stress situations the sex side of things changed and I started to feel guilty being dressed,not being able to enjoy the delight of openly dressing I started to be secretive which which of course is impossible when you have an otherwise loving relationship.It is very,very dificult to talk when relations are strained and there are meaningful silences.The end of your post is so like us,I am not quite sure what the situation is now with us,when I dress for an evening I feel very guilty, and it is the guilt that makes it difficult to talk,

Lots of love and courage,

vivianmichael

Vivianmichael,

I'm hoping that the more we try to talk the better - but I dont' want it to consume our lives either - it is such a balancing act. I don't want him to feel guilty - I FEEL guilty if that is how he feels - it makes me feel like such a hipocite. I consider myself to be a fairly open individual on different views but I just don't know how to deal with this - it's putting me to the test that is for sure. I think if it was JUST the CD we could probably find a way to work through everything. My concern is will that be enough most all the posts I read on this site the CD leads to transitioning - I haven't heard many stories of that not being the case. I hate this uncertainty and I'm sure he does too. Thanks for your comments!

Coping2014

There are a lot of stories of someone going from CDing to transitioning, but there are many CDers who stay as CDers. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that my husband's ability to talk it all out was what led him to realizing that he was not a CDer, but he was actually TG. CDing wasn't a gateway for him, he was always TG, he just hadn't had the ability or understanding to make the distinction between the two.

[Guest KatyDesire]

All I can say is that after 55 years of CD, I still don't want to transition. So certainly not all CDers want to transition.

Try to see gender as a spectrum. We all have a bit of male and a bit of female in us. When you fell in love with him, at least unconsciously you saw the whole package. It is very likely that, at least a part of what you attracted to him in the first place was his softer side. So this is now just being expressed in a way which is no longer going to tear him to bits. You certainly CAN set boundaries. If it makes you uncomfortable, it can be, for example, not in bed, not when you are there, or whatever.

But all these are issues you need to work through with a councillor.

Look carefully into yourself. Do you wear pants? When I was at college, believe it or not, women were not allowed to. It was seen as too masculine. Do you know any women who do kick-boxing (I know many). Now where does THAT come into the whole feminine persona?

Hang in there. Don't make rash decisions. Its hard. And definitely get some professional help.

[Guest coping2014]

OK I have to laugh at this - and I have talked with him about this too. I keep reading that i should have noticed he was more caring, nurturing, and sensitive - and NO I didn't ever get that if anything he was more the opposite so it is a little harder to get used to. We aren't making any rash decisions we actually drove around and talked last night for over 2 hours then came home and I showed him this forum again and my comments and the responses. I think he is gonna get an account on here as well so I think that will help him to.

We are talking about boundaries and trying to work out a compromise and just a way that we can talk about this because it is just so hard to explain how each of us is feeling - patience and communication is the key for us right now I think and so far we are doing ok. Praying for continued progress.

Coping2014

Thank again for your input I really do appreciate outside perspective and helping put some explanation to how we are both feeling cuz right now that vocabulary is escaping us.

[Guest KatyDesire]

OK, so I can see where you're both confused. I would be too. Even more than I am already. Follow the advice of all the others here, and get to a councillor. No reason why you shouldn't also make a councillor confused! (LOL) But seriously, I think someone like that will be a big help.

[gennee]

My wife took a wile to accept me as a crossdresser, then an MTF transgender woman. Now she supports me 100%. I'm sure that you have many questions so ask away. Keep the lines of communication open.

[Guest aliasGreta]

Hello coping2014,

I was a crossdresser when my wife and I were married, we went places with me underdressed we made love as females but then things changed,due to various stress situations the sex side of things changed and I started to feel guilty being dressed,not being able to enjoy the delight of openly dressing I started to be secretive which which of course is impossible when you have an otherwise loving relationship.It is very,very dificult to talk when relations are strained and there are meaningful silences.The end of your post is so like us,I am not quite sure what the situation is now with us,when I dress for an evening I feel very guilty, and it is the guilt that makes it difficult to talk,

Lots of love and courage,

vivianmichael

re:" when I dress for an evening I feel very guilty, and it is the guilt that makes it difficult to talk," - exactly where I'm at. Thanks for putting that into words.

[Guest coping2014]

SO we have been talking and things have been going better and then last night I feel like we took a huge step backwards. I have been reading and researching and trying to figure out my feelings and understanding where he is coming from but one thing is a huge hurdle for me and I feel HORIBLE for feeling this way but can someone PLEASE help me - will time help me or am I at an impasse? I don’t want to be but the more we talk it always seems like we come back around to this – and it's my issue! I HATE IT!

I was researching again and came across this -– http://www.ladylike.org.uk/pages/fancy.html

The quote I read was this:

"I don't want to know anything about it. He can do what he likes in private, but why involve me!" -Home Alone

It is tempting to ignore, in the hope that "she" will just go away. We have only one life. Why deny anyone the right to fulfil an important part of it? He won't stop dressing, it will simply mean you will spend more time apart. Probably both of you will be lonely and hurt. You can best influence him by being involved, and above all ..... (like E.T.) ..... keep.... talking!

ok so my response is:

Here lies my conundrum – I am jealous of the time (effort and $) and I HATE the time apart as I stated last night to him I was really looking forward to this new transition for us (empty nest – just him and I) But seeing my spouse dressed like that under minds my feelings for him as my husband – I don’t have any other way to describe it. When I saw him before (years ago) in this natural state (as her) I was turned off and very uncomfortable with the whole thing and just played along as we were just experimenting and role playing (or so I thought). I DON'T want to think less of him I love him! But that is what my mind goes to and I hate myself for thinking that!

I don't know what to do -

I know we will keep talking - (please don't say a therepist we don't have the time or resources to do that nor would he go as when we had an issue(completely different topic) before he hated it so I will not waste money doing that again not to mention we don't have the resources in our rural hick area nothing for probably 5 hours away or more and that just isn't posible) We are on our own with this and I will be patient and work on it and continue to leave the door open to talking and LISTENING.

Coping2014

[Guest Eve Caillard]

I feel very inadequate adding my little comments here. I was once a CD in my teens, and then crashed back into it at the age of 53. I am very settled, now. In my case I am genuinely quite a feminine man, and by that I do not mean "pretending" or "camp". I actually tend to befriend women, prefer their company as a friend. I'm a massive nurturer, too. So understanding I am a CD actually resolved numerous problems I had in my life. I feel better about myself than I have done so for a long while.

So, firstly I suggest you consider his CD as being a genetic ensemble. Men acquire their male chromosomes a few days after developing in the womb; in other words all of us start out female. You will know there are many types of male: the alpha, beta and , as I joke, the "C" male and then ones like me who are, perhaps, "D". To add to this, I've taken three tests several times and each test shows my mental orientation to be approximately 75% female. So what I am saying is I am male, but I am built and think differently. I cannot help that.

Now what I am coming to is this. My wife knows about my 'collapse' back into cross-dressing. She was very upset. But she has accepted it. In accepting it, she laid down some ground rules with the implication that should I obey them, then she will tolerate what I am. Her rules are: I do not mention or dress in front of the kids; I do not go out dressed; she does not want to see or know.

I RESPECT that. So I stick to her boundaries and on the days I am alone, I indulge my feminine world. As a result, we share jokes and laugh about it, but she knows she is not going to be caught unawares, or confronted with something she does not expect.

I believe the best answer is boundaries and respect. As a wife of a CD you have the right to set boundaries. I am sure some CDs on this site will disagree with me, but in my life the mutual respect between us works, and it works very well. You have the right to set boundaries, but do it with love and understanding, not fear and prejudice. But I advise you set the boundaries that YOU need in order to be able to cope, and take it from there. I might be wrong, but if you set caring boundaries that support your needs, define what you expect from him, yet leave the door open for growth, development and negotiation between both of you, then you will be set on a mutually inclusive course of action.

Finally, I'd just like to mention lying. I see this so many times from wives of CDs. Consider this: your husband is doing something that most folk and society react to with ridicule. He's scared. He's afraid of rejection. That's why he hid it, why he 'lied'. Only he didn't do it deliberately, he did it out of fear. It's not so much a lie, as a reaction to losing everything including his self respect. Please, try to understand him. What you call "lying" is in fact the result of a terrible fear, a potential gulf of loss and ridicule. Be sensitive to this. It genuinely hurts me when I see women raise this issue, because it is something easily laid to rest. There is a whole website built upon this for wives of cross dressers that is full of hate, and it disturbs me greatly.

I hope I have not written rubbish, or trodden on wiser toes with this reply. This is just how I see it, and how I feel.

I am Eve. I am a cross-dresser, but I am a straight man and a good husband (I hope) and a good father. I just don't identify with being very masculine. And the only way I can bring peace and calm into myself is to "indulge" my female interior through trying to look and be female. This is not a sexual thing. It is an identity thing. I genuinely adore colour, clothes, shoes, etc. I had a mental breakdown because I could not stay at home to nurture and bring up our children. I gossip with groups of women at work, and I can't cope with being around 'alpha' males because they scare me. I adore jewellery, and envy ladies who wear clothes I'd love to buy for myself. I am sorry, but that is the way I am.

I hope this helps, and I hope I have not trodden on any toes in this community, or upset the other girls.

Feel free to talk

Eve

Eve

[Guest]

Eve, you've honestly spoken your words. And, quite well, I might add - good advice spoken from the heart. Don't worry about treading on toes, please?

Love, Megan