Old cravings

[Guest KyraT]

I am not quite sure what to do about this... I am not sure why I am even writing this but maybe it will help. I am a recovering addict from crack, meth and alcohol. I have been clean now for nearly three years but lately I have been under alot of stress and I can't find any way to let it go. I know that I'm supposed to call my sponsor when I begin to feel like this but I can't! For the past few months I have been thinking about crack and had started to think about getting some but I am married now and can't do that... but the pressure is too much for me! I am a very strong woman and I know that I just need to release some of this stress and I will be fine but it keeps building up and they keep adding more to me daily! I feel like I am going insane!!!!! I can't tell my therapist about this because she says that if I try to take my own life again or go back to drugs and drinking, she will not sign off for my SRS and if my partner finds out then she will leave me forever and if my kids find out then I will never see them again but they all keep adding more to my plate. I asked a friend tonight to help me find a rock or something, just something to take the edge off. She said that she would help me and that she would keep it a secret for me. I do not want to lose everything again but if I don't do something, losing everything will be the last thing that I do! Maybe its best to just accept my destiny... maybe my time has past and now is the time for the next generation. Maybe I am not meant for transition... maybe I should just let go. WHATEVER!!!

[Guest Eliza_S]

Please don't let go. I can hear your mind spinning and I can feel your pain. It sounds like a merry-go-round that you think you'll be stuck on forever. I don't know the answer, but there are answers. You will find help. There is help available here. Please don't let go.

hugs

[Guest]

Write it out, put it in your God box. Put in a 911 to your higher power. Use any means to call or see your sponsor. Find a back-up sponsor. Help another addict. Volunteer at your central office. Do every meeting you can. Read the Big Book. Any and all of the above but the key thing is; get out of yourself and your head, it is a dangerous and slippery place. A slip will cost far, far more than any of these life saving efforts. Oh, and yes I do know what devastation relapsing can cause from first hand misery. Here is a hug, now go find some more cuz you're worth it. Jody

[VickySGV]

The first time I quit using was back in the 1980's to get my children back from the authorities. It was pretty terrible, but in the end, it gave me the freedom to get out from under the demands of others and concentrate on myself. I did leave one small detail out of it then, namely my gender issues, but I had 16 years of OK sobriety.

In 2008, when I had all of my responsibilities to others completed, I relapsed, and did alcohol and by luck had anti depressants that were added fuel to the fire. My intention then was to take the LAST DRINK, but it didn't happen that way, my HP had other ideas and you can read my story here in the forums http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881

Much of what you are saying you can't do, are things you MUST do. The sponsor, and yes even the chance your GT may put you on hold for the SRS. My SRS letter actually came from my Chem Dep Program's head shrinker and my therapist who both knew about the damage addiction does to GD and GD does to addiction. Not pretty. Honesty is and was the key for me in what the addiction was doing and what the GD was doing, but I have 4 years of recovery again, a letter and a date for my SRS. You may have to tell some people to get out of your life if all they do is put stress on you, but without that stress, no rock needed.

[Guest Eliza_S]

There are nights when the phone just feels too heavy to pick up. Take it one step at a time.

Get your phone.

Pick it up.

Dial the number for your sponsor. (If it's on speed dial, even better.)

Try to let it ring without hanging up first.

Say something when your sponsor answers. Anything.

If you can't manage the first time, go back in those steps as far as you need to. Hopefully, you will still have your phone near your hand, but if you don't, then that's okay. You get the phone again, etc. etc.

If you do all this and your sponsor is not available right then, take advantage of that phone being in your hand. Call somebody else in the group. If that person isn't there, call another person. Honest, the picking up and dialing part starts to get easier after you've repeated it a few times.