Don't Know If I'm Suffering From Depression.

[Guest Gallium 67]

Hi, hope I'm posting this in the right place. I'm new, sorta. I once posted on these forums as a FtM years ago but forgot my account and have changed emails several times since then.

Guess I'll try to cut to the chase.

I'm not sure if I'm suffering from depression or not. I've never seen a therapist or anything of that sort mostly because I avoid doctors like the plague (and I no longer have any health insurance to finacially aid me). I've never really talked about it in dept with anyone and though my sister suffers from depression, she's never around for me to really talk with her about it. I don't have friends to talk to since I dumped them all a long time ago since I found that they were too much of a hassle for me to shuffle into my daily life, and not to mention I didn't see a real need for them.

I often find myself in a state of... well, only way I can describe it as is a 'blankness'. I feel like there's no real point behind living and everything that I do is pointless in the end anyways, but I don't have any feelings of suicide or any thoughts of self-mutilation (I did try cutting though once because I was bored. lol.... I can easily say I didn't get into it.). I find myself feeling this on a near daily basis. But if I were told I was going to die the next day, the thought wouldn't bother me. Dying doesn't bother me. Or at least the thought hasn't bothered me yet. I just find myself thinking, 'Oh my god, I have a very long life ahead of me. What am I going to do to pass the time?'

I'm not very motivated either when it comes to most things. I'm laid back and like to take the presence of an observer when it comes to life. I've tried to spice things up by trying drugs and drinking but I found even when I was high/drunk I still felt the same, just more sick or nauseated than anything else.

In case you need a little background info on me (This is my hello introduction ;P ):

I believe i'm an 'androgynist' or however it's spelt. I am biologically female but I feel more male than anything else inside. I started feeling this way when I was a very small child, basically when I learned the difference between little boys and little girls. I've always hated wearing anything fem and used to fight with my mom as a small kid about wearing those ugly stiff dresses she liked to stick me in. Then when I got older I thought I was gay or bi (that wasn't the case as it turned out, seeing as how I came to realize that I wasn't really attracted sexually to either gender years later, but I still find an admiration about the physical appearances of some guys and girls. I also later found out that intercourse does absolutely nothing for me.) which I soon then started to feel like I was a FtM case. But after mulling over that for a few years that doesn't seem to be the case at all. I like my slender fem body (just wish I had more upperbody strength, broader shoulders, and a deeper voice like a man though. Im still working on the voice part though with some exercises I stumbled across on the web.), I just don't like the girly parts of it (I want to have my breasts removed someday. I've wanted to do this since they first started growing in, to my utmost horror. I don't feel like bothering with the genital area since it's too much of a hassle and it's not really in the way.).

I dress and act like a guy, but I certainly don't look like one as far as my face/hair goes. (I'm getting a more boyish cut in a few days though. Hehe.)

I find that being a blend of both genders brings an inner peace which I can't find by being solely one gender or the other. Although i just wish that the male and female sides of who I am would just stop conflicting with each other all the time. Seems a bit contradictory when I say it brings inner peace, doesn't it? haha.

Even though i'm 21, I haven't told my parents yet. I don't like to talk seriously with them about anything. Everytime I do I normally get some hour long lecture about God and our bodies being 'temples' and yaddy yaddy yadda. Y'know, the usual preaching that good ol' bible thumpers like to preach. (Got the lecture when I once picked up a book about witchcraft out of sheer curiosity. Then I got the lecture when I dyed the front of my hair hot pink and my tips red! Bah! ; ) Plus I think i've disappointed them enough as is. I'm pretty good at hiding what I feel. I've had my whole life to practice. lol...

As far as being abused, my mother used to abuse me physically and mentally but when I was around 16 or so and she assaulted me I actually fought her off and she hasn't tried anything since. (I think part of her problem is that she suffers from bouts of mania. I dunno.) I don't really hate her for the things she's done to me. It took me years to get over it but now I just view it as just another trial in my life. One insignificant life out of billions.

Aside from not being sexually attracted, is it strange for me to still want to have one child someday? I just think I might turn out to be a strange parent. I think the bond between a child and parent is a very unique experience and I want to experience it someday. (Of course, I'd want to be the 'cool' parent that my parents never were. lol.) I've been thinking adoption though since I don't exactly like the idea of some creature splitting me down the middle on it's way out in some hospital. It doesn't seem to fit who I am as I picture in my head. Plus I think there's too many people in the world as it is. Why contribute to the problem? (Better not get into my beliefs lol.)

:/ Sorry, that came out much longer than I expected. I tend to drone on and on at times.

Anyways, I'm not sure what to call this feeling other than, as i've stated, a 'blankness'. Could possibly be depression, but I don't even know what depression is supposed to feel like. Any others feel this way? Any ideas what this is? I've been trying to put a definitive medical term to it but no luck yet. I think if I talked to some therapist they'd try to 'fix' me and I don't need any fixing, as far as who I am goes. (Just want to get rid of these abhorred breasts of mine!)

Oh, and I don't know if this counts for anything but I get very impulsive at times, randomly of course.

Thanks in advance.

Gallium

[Guest Evan_J]

Hola! And welcome to the forum....again! lol

Nothing you've said is "wierd" or unacceptable here.

As for "is it depression" it sounds like it could be , though I'd rather leave it to a professional to diagnose. Depression (clinical) often does not involve "sad" feelings. More lack of motivation/ interest in things. Even "happy" things have a bland effect. Nothing seems to have a real "point". -much of what you described can be depression. But there are degrees clinically and the decision of how to address it (medicine or not) are both things a professional would need to determine. So my first suggestion is to see one. Probably the most common experience of someone having any sort of gender issue is depression. The optimal suggestion then is a professional versed in gender issues.

The whole "your hair is red, you are straying from God" extemist thing? Yeah, I got a parent like that lol Absolute crack pot. And I say that as someone who is Christian I've stuck my nose in this lifetime into probably anything that once was , is , and will be in future regarded as "religion" at some point. And even swore ALL of em off. In the end the only person who will know whats right for you -and who HAS- the right to say whats right for you is you. I'm sorry but whatever higherpower ANYone follows will not want to talk to moms and dads , friends, well meaning teachers or any-bloody-body else but the individual in question when that time comes that they need to speak.

The gettin drunk/high thing, sounds like you figured out that doesn't help anything. All it does is make ya sick one way or the other. Either pukin or gettin addicted. Either one honestly feels lousey ultimately.

Now, onto the Androgynst-used to be Ftm- but still feel very masculine part:

Sounds good to me.

I see no problem with bein androgynist, likin the female body, but wanting to masculinize it a little bit. You do not have to chose a gender for the satisfaction of the world. In fact, I have greater respect for saying thats how you feel than claiming one or the other knowing it isn't you.

As for the asexuality thing (thats what that is if you don't have sexual attraction) you obviously aren't the only person who is it otherwise there wouldn't be a whole word for it Adoption, artificial insemination, and in vitro fertilizations using surrogates (except for in your case cuz of the splitting in half issue lol) all sound ideal to an asexual person. Contrary to zealot thinking sex and becoming a parent really are not inseparable from one another in this point in history.

Quit hiding what you feel. -at least here.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh Gallium - oh my sweet dear Gallium - please stay with us here at this site - we can help.

At Laura's we ALL have lived some parts of the very story you told- and it breaks my heart when you tell it so easily, like it's no big deal - and it IS a BIG DEAL.. I wanna say right off - you ARE DEPRESSED! Its not a huge thing, you seem to function fairly well, but the depression is NOT gonna go away. So please talk it out here. We all will help you. Then we can tell you how to talk to others such as therapists and councellors and other androgyne and FTM - and so on and on.

Me? I was sad- so very SAD-SAD-SAD for 50 years - I am old. I am a transgender MTF - I am working toward a soulution, but my life has been going on for a while. You are in the very beginning of such great things in your life - REALLY. Its gonna be okay...

Me? I was born a girl in mind and soul, but watched in horror as my male body kept getting more and more.... masculine. I know you are the other direction, but as everyone here will tell you... its all the same thing no matter which way.

Yes I was a cutter - yes I was willing to... well... remove my offending body parts - I am not proud of that and I rarely mention that here so some people are gonna be surprised. But that one thing shoulda told me how desparate I was. I still didn't understand.

And I am transitioning now, finally - yes I was abused as a child, not severely but enough to cause a lot of emotional damage - and I am doing the therapy thing - yes and I am married, and wife ain't that pleased - yes I wanted children, and managed to have three grown children now - and yes, sometimes I just don't understand it at all, augggggh.

Yes-yes-yes- your story - yes I know...

And hey - therapy isn't what you think. If you go to a real therapist, one who understands gender dysphoria - that's what it's called, then NOBODY is gonna try to 'fix' you. They are gonna try to help you see yourself as you are in your heart. Then they are gonna tell you ways to do something about it

Long reply - but yor post was long too... grin

So stay with us - you may have just come home... p

And please hang in there - good place this Laura's - you gonna find out!

Liz

[Guest Gallium 67]

Thanks Evan_J. That was a fast reply, hehe. I wasn't expecting one so soon.

I might see a professional someday, but with how things are finacially I can't afford it at the moment. (I no longer has insurance *sadface*) I've always been really suspicious of medical professionals and the medical industry, so I've always stayed away from them (and that includes medicine. If I was sick I would try to get over it by sheer willpower. lol. And it normally worked.). I wasn't quite sure what depression really was. My sister has serious depression issues but to me outwardly it looked, instead of a lack of motivation, just pure misery, angst, sadness. Thought I understood what it was but guess I was way off base. :S I'm not a very good sibling because even though I would try to comfort her it normally didn't do much and I would give up after a while and just leave her alone. (Which was a bad thing on my part. But yea, lack of motivation thing again. Sigh.)

I completely agree with: "In the end the only person who will know whats right for you -and who HAS- the right to say whats right for you is you".

I've argued and fought with my parents a lot when I was growing up about everything ranging from what I read to who I talked to/hung out with to how I dressed to even drawing as a hobby. (They're very hard people to please it would seem.), but over the years they've come to terms with the fact that anything they say I'll probably only half-listen to or will listen but won't do. I'm very hard-headed. A trait I've gotten from my mom I believe.

"You do not have to chose a gender for the satisfaction of the world."

Ain't that the truth. I've never cared what other's thought, just only how what I did/said made me feel. I'm very selfish like that. Haha. (Probably a bad thing in some cases. >.< doh. But I try not to be selfish in a malicious type of way if I can help it.)

Anyways, thanks for the welcome/reassuring words. Makes me feel somewhat of a relief. And yea, I'll try to be open. Some subjects might be hard though. Haha.

[Sally]

Welcome Galliam,

I wouldn't know what depression really is - I'm so up sometimes it scares me - I guess I'm just too dumb to remember what went wrong long enough to worry about it!

I would have to say that a therapist is a very good idea - I used to avoid Doctors just like you and I had a very low opinion of therpists in general.

Then I realized that if I was truely a MTF transsexual, I would need letters fro these very people in order to get hormones and ever have surgery!

I finally went to gender therapist - wow, openned my eyes to a lot of other stuff going on that I had never even realized was happening!

She has become a great friend as well as guide on my journey.

Give them a chance - as to no insurance, some of these therapists are really angels in disguise - mine is charging me 2/3 of her regular fee - she would charge less, but I don't want her to suffer from my bad economic situation!

And listen to Evan - be honest with yourself and stop hiding your feelings!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

***snip***"....I'm not a very good sibling ....I'm very hard-headed.....I'm very selfish like that......"**snip***

Stop criticizing yourself quite so much. You don't deserve it. And in case anybody wonders (and this part is actually not to you Gallium, cuz I've pulled self-criticisms out on a few people prior) I do notice those and its because I have "less than admirable" problems of my own that help me spot that tendency in other people. Don't do it. People who "look " for folks having self-esteem issues spot it a mile off.

[Guest Irielle]

Gallium, just a short note here. I have had that blank feeling you describe and still have it sometimes. Yes, it IS depression. Please stay here because we are all in this together and I really hope you can find a therapist or someone to help you with your depression because it can and does get better. It takes some time and it takes work but it is worth it - you can be the person you really are and not what the world thinks you should be. You are important. And always, always be gentle with yourself.

[Guest Gallium 67]

Thanks everyone. I've tried to talk with my parents about this whole gender issue in the past and it's never really worked out well, but I worked up the courage to today and told them... it went really poorly to say the least. They keep trying to pass it off as something I just conjured up out of nowhere when I have nothing else to think about, even though the evidence from throughout my life pretty much outweighs anything that they're thinking/saying. They don't understand when I try to tell them it's not something I think about, it's just how I constantly feel. I think they just made me feel worse actually. :/ I really don't feel like repeating some of the things they said, they're just too depressing to even think about. Sigh. And all I was asking for was acceptance. I wasn't asking for any finacial aid or anything like that, and they couldn't even do that. Bah.

If I ever do go through therapy and get T/surgery I don't think I could ever see them again. Not for my safety but for their own. Makes me sad because I really like my dad. (lol my mom and I have a rocky relationship.)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Thanks everyone. I've tried to talk with my parents about this whole gender issue in the past and it's never really worked out well, but I worked up the courage to today and told them... it went really poorly to say the least. They keep trying to pass it off as something I just conjured up out of nowhere when I have nothing else to think about, even though the evidence from throughout my life pretty much outweighs anything that they're thinking/saying. They don't understand when I try to tell them it's not something I think about, it's just how I constantly feel. I think they just made me feel worse actually. :/ I really don't feel like repeating some of the things they said, they're just too depressing to even think about. Sigh. And all I was asking for was acceptance. I wasn't asking for any finacial aid or anything like that, and they couldn't even do that. Bah.

If I ever do go through therapy and get T/surgery I don't think I could ever see them again. Not for my safety but for their own. Makes me sad because I really like my dad. (lol my mom and I have a rocky relationship.)

Hey - sleep on it - give them some room. The come back to Laura's and vent it all out. Seems really dark sometimes - but we muddle through.

I am so sorry it went bad - there is always that chance. But it's them not you. They just are uncapable of understanding right now.

If it gets unbearably bad, and you are really depressed - you must get back here immediately or call 911. Do not even think about the unthinkable - ever! Yikes.

We loves ya

[Sally]

So sorry that it didn't go too well, but it at least is now out in the open - give them some time and try to remain positive. Try to show them (teling doesn't always work as well) that just having admitted this condition to yourself has made you a happier person. Give them some time - you have been in this condition forever and they are seeing it for the first time. They will never know what it feels like and that is really too bad, because it tends to make us a really tolerant group over all.

Keep talking to your parents and to us - the therapist is still a great option for helping you to feel good about yourself when all around is negative.

I am currently going through a divorce (triggered by my coming out to my wife - but a culmination of a lot of other issues, a lot of them hers) but I can not feel bad about myself - sorry that it came to this, but never sorry that I was honest and stated my feelings. Keep going and be proud of who you are.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Irielle]

I came out as gay to my family and I was lucky, everyone accepted me and pretty much knew anyway. I haven't yet come out to them as TG but I don't expect a different response. I had a friend who came out as gay to his parents and they basically disowned him but he went ahead and lived his own life. After a while, maybe a year or two, his parents came around and they became closer than ever and everything improved so much. They wound up having a wonderful relationship. I guess what I am saying is maybe they just need some time. And don't give up how you want to live your own life - be happy with who you are and everything else will follow. Elizatbeth K is right, it's them, not you. Your feelings will NEVER lie to you; they always tell the truth. Good luck and stick around this place - it's good for you!