...A change in direction... My new purpose and approach...

[Guest Julie_Mason]

It has been my habit, thus far, on these message boards, to view and comment on many success stories and typical "good" experiences that the members here like to share as they live them. I also (unitl a few days ago) have been in the (bad) habit of only recounting my own "good" moments in my transition. This approach to support, I believe, has got to be altered slightly (at least for myself).

While I do have the conviction that positive reinforcement (the sharing of "good" experiences) is a needed facet to any system of support, I believe that since ours is a seemingly very isolating existence as is, many members (myself included) read so many recountings of such "good" experiences and so few of "bad", that we inevitably feel envious and to some degree further isolated from the "lucky ones" that seem to invariably have "good" experiences. I imagine many have moments of "why does this not happen for me?", or "why am I part of the unlucky group?", or especially, "why am I the only one that feels this way?". While I understand that this is due in large part to the individual member's own psyche and self-view, I also believe that if we merely relate the "bad" moments (that we all experience) of our journeys more accurately, it would alleviate much of this isolation. In my opinion the best approach to a good system of support involves positive reinforcement in tandem with being able to relate to another's situation by use of personal experiences and anecdotes thereof (especially in regards to the "bad" times).

I am aware that there are infact many topics and posts in various forums on this site, that recount the poster's "bad" moments. However, these seem to be either:

1) few and far between,

2) posted by members that have a tendency to post their bad moments in quantity, thereby, I imagine, making some readers feel that they merely fall into the same group (the "unlucky ones") as the poster, thus making them feel more isolated from the "normal", "lucky ones". It sometimes seems that many of the more prominent posters on Laura's have only "good" moments.

3) posted in specific forums (albeit ones intended for this purpose), that are "far-removed" from the General, normal(ish) forums that seem to contain mostly "good" accounts. Many members (myself included) may feel trepidation about delving into the forums dedicated to "bad" moments (ie: Suicide, Depression, Abuse, etc) because many of us are very empathetic and may feel more isolated and sad, being immersed, or surrounded by only posts of this type.

4) replied to with very "cookie-cutter", "one-size-fits-all" answers that give no (or very little) personal relation to the poster or what he/she may be going through, and oftentimes can be reduced to a statement such as, "you shouldn't feel this way... you should only feel good, and happy, and complete, like I do"

This phenomenon, I do not believe is indicative of any direct problem with the structure of this site, or of any kind of failure of its members to give good support, but is in large part due to the tendency we all have as humans of "forgetting about the bad, and remembering the good". While this is a valid, useful coping mechanism for dealing with life's misfortunes, and better than some others (drug abuse, etc), it gives, when used as a facet of support, an incomplete picture, and one that takes into account only part of the experiences we all have while going through transition.

Based on this, I have decided that my new purpose on Laura's will be to try and give accurate accounts of my experiences/feelings, the "Good", the "Bad", (and the "Ugly"... this catagory I believe I have already taken care of with the pictures in my gallery) aspects of these experiences/feelings. I feel that by recounting my own troubles accurately, as they happen; giving logical, thought-out reasons as to why; and also giving examples of how I deal/dealt with these troubles, that I will ultimately be able to give readers a more complete picture of things, and also give them a stepping-stone of precedence in order to utilize my experiences and incorporate them into their own world-view and the tactics they use to deal with their own experiences good and bad. It may even prompt them to be more introspective too, and in doing so, better understand themselves.

This, I will begin here:

Today I have been feeling very frustrated with this site. I attempted to post this topic, yesterday, but when I hit the "Post New Topic" button, it was erased. What irritates me the most is that I was in the "zone" yesterday and the original version of this topic was written much better (ie: in my opinion, more inspirational, and closer to the thoughts and impressions I had at the time) than I have done here. I havent been able to match the level of detail I put into the original.

I'm sure I feel this way mostly because I have a tendency to be a perfectionist. Some of the reasons I believe of why some of us have this tendency can be found here. I like to be understood, as most people do, and so try to propagate my words as clearly defined as possible, in an attempt to eliminate misunderstanding. What I fail to realize sometimes is that there is no such thing as true perfection and any attempt to reach it, will more than likely, ultimately end in folly. I have to "reel" myself back in sometimes and reach a point of satisfaction at having done my absolute best (which is all anyone should realistically expect from themselves), despite my possible belief that it wasnt as good as it could have been.

Yesterday, (which was included in my original topic that was erased) I was feeling very repressed at work. I absolutely hate (no, loathe is stronger and more accurate) having to interract with people while in "boy-mode". The constant "sir" is very disconcerting. When I dont look like how I feel (being enfem), is the only time in which I feel dysphoric anymore, and since I am basically full-time everywhere but work, when I have to be here I feel I have to feign smiles throughout the day until I can go home and make my outside match my inside (and therefore be happy).

I understand that how we look on the outside does not change who we are on the inside, and that I should feel comfortable with myself, no matter how I appear physically. I also understand that I shouldnt focus on what other people that see me think, or how they react to how they see me, but I am only human, and as so have the need to feel accepted by others for who I am. It is natural to want to have (at least to some degree) validation of who were are by the interractions we have with other people. Humans, afterall, are social creatures.

What I need to remember is that this job is only temporary and that my time to be full-time will come eventually. I also need to not blame others for the way they address me while in "boy-mode" (even if my voice, and mannerisms while in "boy-mode" are those of the feminine variety), because:

"If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence..." - Bertrand Russell

Yesterday, I was also feeling a bit "left-behind". It seemed/seems many of the friends I've made here on Laura's are moving so swiftly and steadily through their transitions (being able to be full-time, getting started on changing name, feeling the magic of the changes from thier HRT, etc), while I feel I have been stuck at the same place for 2 or 3 weeks. Despite all the progress that I have made in the past couple of months (Coming out to family/friends, seeing a GT and subsequently getting my HRT Letter, feeling more "right" in my own skin, etc), it seems I cant get past where I am now (that is, trying to find and make appointment with any Endo that will start my HRT). I am currently trying to make an appointment with a Dr. Jeelani in Gainesville, FL, and the only thing that seems to be holding me up is her office's apparent inability to recieve a simple fax (They will not even register trans-patients into their system, much less make an appointment for, until they get faxed a copy of our HRT Letters). I have sent the fax to them 3 times on 3 seperate machines, as well as my GT faxing it, and still nada. Everytime I call the office I get either no answer, or if someone does answer, I get the inevitable, "We havent gotten it, but we'll be sure to keep an eye out". This is very frustrating.

I know that noone's timetable for transition is the same and that everyone moves at different speeds in relation to their circumstances, I know this... but I still find envy trying to rear its ugly head. I also realize that I have accomplished alot more in my transition (in the amount of time I have) than many trans people and that I should feel gratification in this, but I am not immune to wanting to be happy now, and I feel that the sooner I can start HRT the better, for my only dysphoric symptoms are with the incongruency of my body and mind. I am immensely unhappy looking like a male, and very happy and feel myself when I am enfem. I feel that the sooner I get on hormones, the sooner they will work to (at least slightly) make my body match my mind and therefore lessen my dysphoric symptoms. I just want the same chance at fixing what nature got wrong like everyone else here.

What I need to remember is that I must have patience and that all things meant to happen, come in due time. I need to remember to have hope and to not be discouraged by apparent stagnation. As we get used to things moving so fast, we tend to miss progress when it slows down a bit. I too, need to occaisionally remind myself that The Universe tends to unfold as it should.

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must of felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.

" Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas

When we lose hope, we lose all...

"Cogito ergo sum",

-Julie M.<3

[Guest Robin Winter]

I think people tend to shy away from expressing negative feelings and relating negative experiences because a good portion of the community here don't know what to say in response, and so they usually don't. It can be disheartening when you pour your heart out hoping someone will know just what to say to make you feel better, and nobody responds. Having been on both ends of that situation, I understand why people choose not to post, but it can still hurt.

That being said, I do agree with you. It's easy to assume that because nobody is responding, there's no point in posting, but I think like you do. Sometimes people need to see they're not alone in struggling. I've been at nearly a standstill in my transition for nearly 3 years. Starting hormones and growing out my hair have been the only significant steps that I've taken in that time. However, I am now finally feeling like maybe things are starting to move along again, or will be soon, and I think it's safe to say that sharing people's experiences here, both the good and the bad, has done much to help me along, whether it be encouragement or just snapping me out of a rut. Being here is a very grounding experience, and I would encourage anyone to also share as much of their story as they're willing, even the bad stuff.

[Charlize]

Julie, Thank you for your post. I would like to suggest if you think only positive things are posted here that you spend some time at any of the forums that deal with suicide, addictions or self mutilation. Many do share very painful thoughts on those sites. This is not an easy path for any of us. I do agree that we do tend to share positive things with each other. Amongst other things even small steps often feel very big to us as we move on our paths. Sorry you feel stalled. I was there for months but hopefully learned more about acceptance. That is a lesson that even if i could make a complete change, i would need. As it is anything we do is a journey with no perfect end. What"s the rush? Easy to say but it is hard to relax into where we are when we want change so badly.

Anyway please be patient with yourself and with the others at Laura's. We are all human, none more or less than the other.. We are all trying to move forward. Maybe we brag too much when we feel we have made progress.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Paradox]

J.M., Friend,

When fax won't go; mail is slow, but it does get there, can be confirmed by the post office, and is only two days time from one city to another. I wish I could trade you some of my patience for some of your youth! None has ever been perfect except one according to a Good Book I read a few times. Therefor when we mess up we are just confirming the notes in the book. No problem then, right?

If I told all the problems that I have seen just in my life, no one would believe me, or worse, they would realize that I must be from another planet. Would that be Mars or Venus? The truth is that I am complete within myself. What does not kill us really does make us stronger, and since I have died twice and yet still am here, I must be really lucky or really strong. The point is we have a strange fellowship. We've been places others do not want to consider, and we are going places others do not want to talk about. Good or bad, at least here on the forum, we can talk, share, and be accepted. Even a strange creature like me.

Be at peace and have faith in yourself. You are not alone anymore when you have us here.

[Guest LizMarie]

As a note, you can compose your message in some other editor like Notepad, Write, or even Microsoft Word, then copy and paste it to the message entry form. This also lets you use spell checkers and other editing tools more comprehensive.

As for myself, I tend to only post "bad" stuff here when it weighs on me so heavily that I need an outlet. I don't want to burden others with my problems unless I find no other way to deal with them. But that's just how I am, not necessarily how other people are.

I think you make some good points, Julie. But each of us has to approach our path uniquely. Even with HRT started, my plan is still not to go full time for another 12-18 months. I have my reasons and those are sufficient for me. And I will present en femme more and more as time goes by, but fulltime, including work, has to wait for specific reasons. As such, I keep reminding myself to be patient, to not compare my transition with anyone else's transition in terms of speed, to enjoy the good stories from others, to share my own good stories as well.

You do what you believe you need to do, including how you choose to interact with the people here at Laura's. Just be patient and persistent. You will reach your goal if you can keep those two traits in sight.

[Guest KarenLyn]

Julie, if you need someone to compare with, look at my transition. I started over 15 years ago. Every time I've saved the money for the next step something has come up. I lost my home to fire and found out afterward I was underinsured. That wiped out every penny of my savings. I have to have a car for work and the last two didn't last as long as I would have liked, another expense. My husband (or significant other if you prefer) has cancer and I pay over $700 month to maintain my insurance coverage on him.

Don't feel bad for me though. I don't. I enjoy my life in spite of the way things are. If nothing else goes wrong, I'll have enough for SRS in another 2 years. My time will come when it comes.

Karen

[Guest Julie_Mason]

I had a feeling the wrong connotations might be gathered about this topic by the inadequate way in which I worded it the second time around (and such is the nature of communication).

I take no issue whatsoever with the methods in which other members decide to recount their stories. The main purpose of this post was to allow me to formally promulgate my intentions of changing my tactics of support on this site, and to give some explaination of why I feel this is necessary for me to do (I understand that I dont have to explain or justify my actions to anyone here, its just how I choose to interract with people). I realize now, that the way in which I worded the post this time, may have come across as being "preachy", criticizing, or even a bit petulant. This was not my intention. I would like to apologize to any of you that read this post and felt unappreciated, undervalued, or belittled. I seem to have a way of openning up my mouth and rolling out its welcome-mat for my foot to enter.

...That being said, I do agree with you. It's easy to assume that because nobody is responding, there's no point in posting, but I think like you do. Sometimes people need to see they're not alone in struggling....

...I think it's safe to say that sharing people's experiences here, both the good and the bad, has done much to help me along, whether it be encouragement or just snapping me out of a rut. Being here is a very grounding experience, and I would encourage anyone to also share as much of their story as they're willing, even the bad stuff.

These were some of the points I attempted to address with this topic.

...I would like to suggest if you think only positive things are posted here that you spend some time at any of the forums that deal with suicide, addictions or self mutilation (1). Many do share very painful thoughts on those sites. This is not an easy path for any of us. I do agree that we do tend to share positive things with each other. Amongst other things even small steps often feel very big to us as we move on our paths (2). Sorry you feel stalled. I was there for months but hopefully learned more about acceptance. That is a lesson that even if i could make a complete change, i would need. As it is anything we do is a journey with no perfect end. What"s the rush? Easy to say but it is hard to relax into where we are when we want change so badly.

Anyway please be patient with yourself and with the others at Laura's. We are all human, none more or less than the other.. We are all trying to move forward. Maybe we brag too much when we feel we have made progress (3)...

1) Contrary to the way I made it sound, I have infact, looked through those forums on occaision, but find that my empathetic nature causes me to relate too much to the poster's plights, thereby leading me to feel depressed as well. I have a personal history of some of the things that are talked about on those forums and have not yet reached a point where I feel comfort in sharing them. This is a personal example of the "tendency we all have as humans of "forgetting about the bad, and remembering the good"". I am not perfect, but I know where some of my faults are, one of them being my repression of the memory of events that have caused me immense grief/pain. I know I'll have to improve on this, and therefore decided to include in this topic, my future intentions of sharing my "bad" moments with others better. I simply had the feeling that others here, may be in my same boat and therefore feel trepidation in exploring those forums.

I think people tend to shy away from expressing negative feelings and relating negative experiences because a good portion of the community here don't know what to say in response...

This is another reason I have yet to respond to any of the topics in those forums. I can't imagine possibly saying the "wrong" thing and having the poster end up in a worse state than when they started. It takes a very delicate approach to give the right advice in those cases (I am definitely too seemingly abrasive), and so is best left to those who have that talent. I applaud all who are able to and do so. You are literally life-savers.

2) This is something that had not really occured to me. I can understand better now, why some choose to recount so many of their good experiences. We all want to share our good happenings with others who will congratulate us and add to our feelings of accomplishment. This is a fact Ill have to add to my understanding of human nature. Thank you, Charlie.

3) I have never seen it as bragging, and everyone is entitled to their "time-in-the-spotlight" for their own individual achievements. We all work very hard to get to where we want to be and its a very good feeling when others validate our efforts with comments of encouragement when we get there. I apologize if I made it seem as though I thought these people were being smug or haughty, as this is not the case.

When fax won't go; mail is slow, but it does get there (1), can be confirmed by the post office, and is only two days time from one city to another. I wish I could trade you some of my patience for some of your youth! (2) ...

...The truth is that I am complete within myself. What does not kill us really does make us stronger, and since I have died twice and yet still am here, I must be really lucky or really strong. (3)

Paradox, my wise feline friend,

I sincerely hope I did not offend you with my comment about "those who are complete", as it was not targetted at anyone in specific, especially not you. It was a generalization that shouldve, in hindsight, been omitted from my topic (as other comments shouldve been as well).

1) I find myself yet again, to be lacking in common sense for I had not thought of sending it through Registered Mail. I have called the office today to get the address and will be mailing my letter in the next few days. Thank you for your insight and suggestion. It may end up being the "key" to unlocking my current "chains" of apparent stagnation.

2) I would gladly take that offer, as my patience-stores seem to be running dry these days, and I have been told that I have an "old-soul", so maybe some extra physical years would be a fitting addition. I do like to maintain a certain equalibrium...

3) I am very sorry to hear that you have been through so many angst-causing moments in life. The fact that you remain positive shows that you are indeed very strong, my friend. Just remember... you still have 7 lives left.

To everyone who replied, adding in their own accounts of hardship, I want to say thank you. Accounts such as these have a way of putting things in perspective for people (myself included). While I may feel bad for your strife, I do not pity you. I admire you. I have always found personal strength in the ability humans have of rising up and flourishing against extreme adversity. Your sharing of your own struggles and person triumphs over them give the rest of us hope. Hope that we too, have within us the strength and resolve necessary to overcome our own obstacles.

To any who may read this post:

If you take with you, only a single message from this topic, let it be that while people may not seem to experience the troubles that you do, or dont speak of it if they do, all people have bad moments in life. Its just that some people are more at ease with sharing them than others. Read these accounts of misfortune, and empathize with the poster, but incorporate thier stuggles into your own world-view. Things are not as bad as they seem to be, nor are they as bad as they could be. There is always hope, you just may have to create your own. Remember also that while it seems sometimes that so many others on this site and sites like it, have abounding success and good fortune, they may merely be sharing these moments in the hopes of feeling accomplishment, and reprive from their own bad times. Take from these accounts of success, the fact that all things in life are possible given enough time, focus, fortitude, will power, and most of all.... Hope.

"Cogito ergo sum",

-Julie M.<3

[Guest Paradox]

J.M., dear one,

Not to worry about me or my feelings. I've got thick skin even though my actual skin is now quite soft and thin. You and I think alike in many ways and have many of the same interests. That is why I do not worry much about you; I already know you will be fine.

Regarding your comment about completeness, I took that to mean those that have completed the process of gender change, physical and mental, something which I have not yet done. I am complete within my spirit, comfortable with my soul.

Be at peace for I think you have great things ahead of you.

Debra (the Paradox)