Family Acceptance Program

[Guest Tessa159]

Found this pamphlet for LDS parents with LGBT children. When I do eventually come out to my parents, I will be using this. Thought I would share it for anyone else stuck in a similar situation. Hope it helps

http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/files/FAP%20LDS%20Booklet%20pst.pdf

[Guest Delphinus]

What a WONDERFUL brochure; my family is Roman Catholic but I wish things like this had been out there when I was a kid. Good find!

[Guest apostate79]

I am quite surprised, that booklet was actually very thoughtful, progressive and non-judgemental. It does give one hope for official attitudes in the Church eventually opening up and accepting LGBT people as equals.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I am quite surprised, that booklet was actually very thoughtful, progressive and non-judgemental. It does give one hope for official attitudes in the Church eventually opening up and accepting LGBT people as equals.

While the pamphlet is great, there are requirements within the Mormon faith that you can be gay. But guess what? You can not marry. That being the case you can not have sexual relations outside of marriage so you are expected to remain chaste for the rest of your life. Some may say I am jaded, but I really do not see the Mormon church EVER changing that. Why? because they dictate that a heavenly family consists of a wife and a husband and there is no room for same sex marriage. The prophets have been very clear that they will not change this viewpoint because that is "Christs plan".

I hate to be a downer about that. But that is a fact.

As for the use of the pamphlet. One of the authors is LDS which is a good thing. But be prepared for your parents to reject it. Why? Depending on how devout your parents are they may not accept it unless it comes from the mouth of the prophets and they will look at the Proclamation to the world. Especially the following paragraph. It was written to specifically undermine transgender individuals:

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

Good luck with that pamphlet, Tessa. I really hope it works for you, but go in to this with realistic expectations.

[Guest Delphinus]

[some may say I am jaded, but I really do not see the Mormon church EVER changing that. Why? because they dictate that a heavenly family consists of a wife and a husband and there is no room for same sex marriage.

Good luck with that pamphlet, Tessa. I really hope it works for you, but go in to this with realistic expectations.

Nicole, you are jaded; I feel comfortable saying this because I, too, am jaded with religion. That's OK for us but that's no reason to effectively condemn any religion as doomed to heterosexism and transphobia. I would suspect that there are a good number od LDS people (including the parents quoted in that brochure) who genuinely are supportive of LGBTQ people, their identities, and their right to express their gender, love, etc. I was brought up Catholic, and I know self-described Catholics who will not go to church because of the Vatican's stance on multiple social issues, including marriage equality. I also have Muslim and Jewish friends who accept me, and do not find my sexuality to be any sort of sin. What I'm saying is that while your advice to Tessa is prudent and valid, it may be the case that things can and will change within the LDS faith. I'm saying this because I believe in realism but I also think that it's 2012 and people change. In 2002, I would've never thought that I would have religious friends; one of my best friends is a very religious man, and I respect him and his beliefs. I think that I actually might have caused him to re-think some of what he was taught simply because he hadn't been exposed to variation in sexual orientation or gender identity before. I feel that a lot of the "battles" are founded in a simple lack of familiarity. If I didn't know someone who was Mormom, for instance, I might read everything you've said and decide that all Mormons are fanatics but I know from experience that simply is not true. Don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to devalue or judge your comments or feelings on this matter for they are valid and completely understandable, I'm just saying that a little cautious optimism is a good thing.

- Del

[Guest Tessa159]

But be prepared for your parents to reject it. Why? Depending on how devout your parents are they may not accept it unless it comes from the mouth of the prophets and they will look at the Proclamation to the world.

Good luck with that pamphlet, Tessa. I really hope it works for you, but go in to this with realistic expectations.

I fully expect my parents to reject the pamphlet, and reject the fact that I am trans. They're just the kind of people who believe homosexuality and transsexuality do not exist. They think that people fake it for attention. The reason I want to use the pamphlet is to show them that there are LDS people out there who support their LGBT children, and that the Mormon religion teaches you to love everyone equally no matter what.

My parents are the kind of people who give a bad name to the LDS religion. I know for a fact that there are many loving, caring LDS members out there. But that is not the case with my parents. They are cold, judgemental, and reject anything that doesn't fall within the bounds of their religion. Several times I've brought up topics, quoted the bible, and proven them wrong for judging me of something. They couldn't think of a rational response, so they respond basically with "you'll find out that you were wrong after you die, and God sends you to Hell".

Just a quick story here that comes to mind: When I was younger, around 12, I found out I was bi. I knew the church considered this wrong, so I told my parents I didn't want to go anymore. They were not very happy with this, and basically forced me to go. When I told the leaders and the other young men that I didn't want to be in church, I was ridiculed and made fun of. There was even one week where I started walking home after the sacrament meeting, and several young men chased me down, tackled me, and dragged me back to the church. I would go to church miserable every week, cry my way through my classes, then go home and feel free. Yet my parents didn't care. They didn't listen to any sort of reasoning about why I didn't want to go, they didn't believe me that people in my classes (including the leaders) were rude to me, and they didn't care that I was miserable at church. Then one week, I went to class and they started the lesson. It was a lesson about how it was basically pointless to attend church if you weren't there in the mindset to learn. So I took the lesson home, and I showed it to my parents. They rejected it (yes, they REJECTED a lesson taught by the church) and told me it was false.

Now my parents believe that they are the absolute greatest Mormon's in the world, and that every Mormon should basically use them as a role model. They try to get me to talk to them when I'm upset, and they don't understand why I always turn to my friends instead of them. Their religion turned them into rude, controlling people, and they still think it's the greatest thing to happen to them. Truth is, I'm terrified to tell them anything for fear that they'll use their religion to tell me I'm a bad person. I want to hang out with a friend whose parents smoke. They think I'm instantly going to become a chain smoker. I have feelings for a girl and want to take her on a date. They think they have to chaperone, because if they don't we'll have sex or get drunk. I already feel bad enough about myself, and the fact that I am physically still male, without my parents telling me that I can't do anything in life without their religion to guide me. They've done all these things to me, never allowing me to have my own free will on anything, and yet they still wonder why I never open up and trust them with anything.

This is why I don't really like the Mormon religion. I grew up in a home that proved to me day after day what this religion turns some of its followers into, and I didn't want to become like them.

-end rant-

Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. Usually I read over posts several times before submitting them but.. bleh. Not in the mood.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Well Del you are welcome toy our opinion. I am going to say something here that I have never publically acknowledged.

Any other Mormon will understand the gravity of this statement. Not only have I made more headway in the church than any other trans mormon, I have had a Bishop lay his hands on my head and give a blessing that I was a daughter of God and this bishop knew I was trans. So why would I take the stand I do now after that experience? There were other things I was allowed to do on the local level that would surprise other LDS members. For instance I was allowed to go to Single adult dances as me, Nicole. I danced with other Mormon men.

All because, I was the exception. I was told to never lift a finger to help the rest of you. Ever. I was told my situation was so rare that it did not apply to the rest of my brothers and sisters who are trans. Even with the blessing from the bishop, the church leadership at the top in Salt Lake city pronounced that I should not be allowed to go any further. My records were to remain male and a heap of restrictions were dumped on me. On top of that I was REQUIRED to go over my entire trans history with the changing of the guard. Meaning about every 5 years with a new Bishop and about every 15 years with a new Stake President. There was no living a normal life within the mormon church and I was not going to be allowed to EVER get married with out the threat of excommunication.

There is cautious optimism...then there is building false hope. If I can save another trans brother and sister from the pain I endured I will do it. Call it jaded. That is ok by me.

Do you know why I don't go into details about what I was allowed to do ..until this post? Because I know I was treated in a very rare and unusual way. Other Mormon-trans might think they will be treated the same way and the odds are they will run into a brick wall and endure far more painful restrictions than I did which is generally out right rejection. Is it worth it? I even question the wizdom in what I posted here. But I really think what you are presenting can be dangerous optimism. My opinion.

Do you know what my Stake president told me about other trans? Until he met me he had excommunicated others because it was too much to explain to other members and they did not have the spirit. Do you know why he did not excommunicate me? Simple. He felt I was female and that I passed as female and he did not have to explain it to other members of the church. I hate that word Pass. But that is the fact of the matter. I have no problem blending in. In fact when he walked out to meet me for the first time, he admitted a year later he was expecting to greet a man in drag. He looked around and finally asked me Nicole? And I stood up and met him for the first time.

He was ready to threaten me with excommuniction before even meeting me, he would later admit.

So I have said enough. I am not Jaded. I am truly scared for my brothers and sisters. That is what it is. i hope I did not make a mistake in posting this information. Part of why I have not gone into greater detail before is because I want to protect that particular stake president and Bishop and I do not want to build false hope. There is one other thing I am holding back that I was authorized by my stake president that I could do but if the leaders in Salt Lake found out about he would be in hot water...

...An Orchiectomy. I was even told that he felt SRS was correct in my situation.

I have even met two General authorities who had no clue upon meeting me that I was born male.

You might call that awesome change. I call it dangerous and a waste of time because the leaders in Salt Lake see things in black and white. My stake president and bishop were forced to work under the radar to protect me.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Hi Tessa, I read your post. I have to say that your parents are from what you described very typical mormons. On the outside a mormon couple might looks all accepting and perfect. But if you get to spend time within their family you soon will find a very controlling element. You are not alone there at all. They they believe it is their duty to strip their children of free-agency and then turn around and declair their belief in free-agency. It is very strange.

Like I said before you can try and present that pamphlet to them but I really hope you keep your expectations low. Which seems to be the case. I think mentioned before there might be a risk of them kicking you out. I hope you have a plan B in place in case that happens....or it can make your situation worse.

[Guest Tessa159]

Nicole, I'm glad you shared that experience and I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain. But let me reassure you, your post will not give me false hope. I do not wish to be a member of the church. They can excommunicate me, burn my records, and tell all members that I am sent here from Satan. I do not care what my bishop, ward, or anyone else thinks about me. Except my parents. In all honesty, even though I do not respect my parents or the way they raised me, I still love them. I want them to love me, and accept me as their daughter.

About what you said of the free agency. My dad uses the excuse "You have free agency. You can either choose to do what I tell you to do, and live how I tell you to live; or you can live on the streets" That is his idea of "free agency". I personally don't think that's what God had in mind when he gave it to us.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Nicole, I'm glad you shared that experience and I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain. But let me reassure you, your post will not give me false hope. I do not wish to be a member of the church. They can excommunicate me, burn my records, and tell all members that I am sent here from Satan. I do not care what my bishop, ward, or anyone else thinks about me. Except my parents. In all honesty, even though I do not respect my parents or the way they raised me, I still love them. I want them to love me, and accept me as their daughter.

About what you said of the free agency. My dad uses the excuse "You have free agency. You can either choose to do what I tell you to do, and live how I tell you to live; or you can live on the streets" That is his idea of "free agency". I personally don't think that's what God had in mind when he gave it to us.

No..I don't think so either. And you are ahead of the game if you keep yourself aloof of the church as you are doing. I think you have a good handle on things and see things realistically.