My Optimism May Have Been Unwarranted...

[Guest Jenn348]

I've previously had good experiences with local authorities and I've read the good experiences of others, but it looks like that may be coming to an end in my case. A recent e-mail from my Stake Pres:

Dear [guy name], After studying, praying, and visiting with our area seventy, this is the very best counsel and advise I have found from one of our living apostles. Elder Oaks speaks very eloquently quoting other general authorities and using scriptures on how to cope with your current desires. Even though some may argue that same gender attraction is different than gender identity crisis, I see many direct parallels in the counsel being given. The issue at hand is using your agency to fight off these desires that threaten to undermine your priesthood and temple covenants. You have been blessed with a beautiful and supportive wife. You have [redacted] of Heavenly Fathers choicest children who have been entrusted to your care as their earthly father. They have been sealed to you for eternity if you keep your covenants. Please read and pray about the counsel given in this lesson. I am praying that the Lord will bless you with the courage and faith to overcome the desires and path you are pursuing. Sincerely, President [redacted]

Eternal Marriage Student Manual Same-Gender Attraction

http://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng

I haven't responded to it yet, but I'm seriously thinking of hitting send on this reply:

(The attachments I mention are the letter a doctor in Utah wrote to Elder Oaks and his reply, you can find those elsewhere on the forums)

I read over what you sent. I thought about it and prayed about it. At first, I was just going to lay low and ignore it to avoid discipline, but after a lot of soul searching I decided that responding, even if it means great personal cost, is the right thing to do.

First, I'll try to help you humanize this issue a little more with my own story on this. Some of this is going to be graphic, but I think this is necessary so you can understand what my family and I have been through with this medical issue.

As I've said, from the youngest age I knew something was wrong. I tried to emulate female behavior and was frequently punished for it, so I tried to hide it, but for years wasn't very good at it. In kindergarten, other boys would crowd around me and kick me in the crotch repeatedly because they wanted to 'prove' that I was a girl by showing everybody that it hurt me less than other boys. It didn't hurt less, but this shows the kind of bullying I put up with all through grade school. Once, I was standing with one foot part way on top of the other like girls typically do and some girl came up and kicked me in the crotch to "show me how to be a man" or some such.

And then there was the rather frightening evenings when I got in too deep mutilating myself. I had been in the habit of inserting various things into the end of my penis, starting with small blunt objects and progressing to things like needles and knives. Once, I shoved a sewing pin into the urethra and it got stuck inside, prompting me to almost need to go to the hospital. Bleeding and crying, my dad and I managed to get it dislogded.

Here's another one that only you, me and God knows about: On another night, I injured myself by putting a rubber band around the base of it in hopes that if I caused enough dead tissue doctors would be forced to remove my genitalia. I chickened out in time to not have that happen, but there were black spots on it for a week that eventually healed. Looking back on this as an adult it looks pretty stupid, but a 12 year old kid doesn't know about things like gangrene.

I'm telling you about this because I want you to know the dangerous ground the church is treading on, not unlike a bull in a china shop. The results speak for themselves, both on matters of homosexuality or transgender issues.

I've had plenty of personal experience with this. Through my teens and twenties, I didn't do the typical thing of cutting or ODing on drugs...I engaged in dangerous self-destructive behavior that very well could have killed me and threatened to tear my family apart on several occasions.

I got involved in illegal street racing. I got involved in political extremist movements. At one point I gathered enough training and equipment to do some very bad things, but luckily I decided to wait on some sort of apocalypse instead of taking matters into my own hands. Unfortunately, I neglected my livelihood and almost lost my wife in the process of hitting a financial bottom.

My point: I am very lucky to have come out of those times alive and still married with children that live with me. Most others in my shoes are not nearly as lucky.

My current treatment (as defended in the attachments I included) has solved all of that. I value my life now. I am striving to improve myself and better help and provide for my family. I think my wife says it best. She says she'd rather have a living wife than a dead husband. As has been said, no success can compensate for failure in the home.

This is a very real problem; it's an elephant in the room that church leaders would rather not face, and can easily be avoided because it affects such a small percentage of the overall population. Sure, in recent years the language used to address this issue has softened. Disclaimers about being nice to gay and transgender people are now added before the dangerous advice is dispensed, but at the end of the day, it still kills people and ruins lives and families.

If either of my sons came out gay, I'd much rather have them making the "choice" to live the "gay lifestyle" than to have them dead. I'm sure you would do the same, given the same options.

With all of this in mind, it is pretty clear that current church policy on these matters fails even the most basic of Christian smell tests. If people are being driven to despair to the point of suicide, is that loving our neighbors? If the phrase "by their fruits ye shall know them" means anything, what does that say of the policy here?

We can sit here and argue scripture and gospel until the second coming (and I've got some pretty good arguments I could use), but I'm asking you to consider the practical issues at stake here and to apply the most basic and central of gospel principles first. When we look beyond the mark and allow peripheral doctrines to push us to err on the basic principles of the gospel, we fail as disciples of Christ.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I want to send it or not. In many ways, it would be easier to just stop going and avoid punitive actions he could take, but that little cricket is chirping at me telling me I'll feel like dirt later if I don't stand up for what is right. Later, some kid with SSA or GD might show up in his office and get advice that could lead to death, and I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't warn him first.

But, OTOH, disciplinary action carries with it a public stigma that would cause me to be further marginalized in my dealings with other church members and my extended family going forward while the stake pres and others would just dismiss what I said in the letter, so no gain.

Either way, I'm rapidly arriving at the point where I no longer believe that the organization in question has any divine authority

[Guest]

That is such a difficult dilemma, I certainly feel for you. I'm not well-versed in your church so I have little to offer, other than follow your God and your heart first. Let the churches fall where they may. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest]

Hi Jenn,

This being the Mormon Forum, I need to remain neutral.

But, when dealing with an entrenched organization, you're probably aware that you have little chance of helping yourself. But, I respect your idea of trying to help the next person who may face the same thing. In my vernacular, that's good karma.

I do wish you all the best, however you decide to proceed.

Love, Megan

[VickySGV]

Prayers for healing need to be very open ended in this situation. Will they result in healing of the Church, healing of your local elders, healing of your family and social circle or merely, but most importantly healing of your own spirit. You can ask for all, but from what I know, you most likely will receive the healing gift in your own heart. Healing does not mean returning everything to a time in the past, but it means a harmony with your personal faith you have discovered even if it differs from how others see a faith they have taken from others as their own. Those of us who are Trans* have a gift of spirit that others cannot comprehend, and which doctrines of established relgions cannot take into account without declaring them heathen and unclean because it puts their faiths to question which only the strongest can endure. I will pray for your peace of spirit.

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you have been given such a difficult decision. These kinds of things shouldn't be part of what we must face in an area of our lives where we expect support. As others have said some higher power will guide you in your decision. i'm sorry i cannot give better council but i can keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Jenn348]

I appreciate the responses.

Honestly, my struggle is more simple than I originally thought. My moral compass, the one that tells me simple right and wrong, has been right for years, but I couldn't bear to look at it because it forces some tough choices. I've known something was rotten for years, but just couldn't face it.

Real Christians wouldn't behave the way this church does. I've seen other people get abused for years, but I turned a blind eye. I'm honestly ashamed that it took me getting in their crosshairs through my transition to finally face the truth.

[Guest]

God's got your back and you have our prayers. Hug. Jody

[JenniferB]

I believe there are good things about the Mormons. Yet if you are LGBT, you can run into problems.

I thought about going back until the local Bishop found out I was trans, found out I'd been transitioning for 5 months and wanted me to stop. He offered reparative therapy. I hadn't been active for over 20 years. It was after this that he found out I was a member.

Missionaries were coming to my door about once a month, and each time I politely turned them away. Finally, a couple of elderly missionaries came by and I told them they could stop seeing me. They told the Bishop and he called back, not knowing I was a member. In hindsight I never liked the fact that he was imploring me to stop transitioning when he didn't know I was a member. My story is in a thread below.

Saying all this I don't have a problem with the church. It helps a lot of people who fits into their system. And I still follow GC talks for inspiration. It just isn't a fit for me, especially since I'm trans. Life is tough enough, and until the church comes to an understanding about Transsexuals, I will keep my distance.

Jenny

[Guest Jenn348]

I believe there are good things about the Mormons. Yet if you are LGBT, you can run into problems.

I thought about going back until the local Bishop found out I was trans, found out I'd been transitioning for 5 months and wanted me to stop. He offered reparative therapy. I hadn't been active for over 20 years. It was after this that he found out I was a member.

Missionaries were coming to my door about once a month, and each time I politely turned them away. Finally, a couple of elderly missionaries came by and I told them they could stop seeing me. They told the Bishop and he called back, not knowing I was a member. In hindsight I never liked the fact that he was imploring me to stop transitioning when he didn't know I was a member. My story is in a thread below.

Saying all this I don't have a problem with the church. It helps a lot of people who fits into their system. And I still follow GC talks for inspiration. It just isn't a fit for me, especially since I'm trans. Life is tough enough, and until the church comes to an understanding about Transsexuals, I will keep my distance.

Jenny

I believe there are good things as well, and I still believe in the scriptures and principles. I just hope they come around eventually.

[Guest Always Good]

It's been a while since I've read anything biblical (and even then it was the King James bible, not the mormon one) but as I recall the church wasn't meant to have any authority whatsoever. Jesus had a "guide them, don't boss them around" modus operandi.