Sally's Story

[Sally]

Hello, for those of you who do not know me I'm Sally, I am one of the moderators her in the forums and Laura's has changed my life.

This isn't going to be like my introduction where I told of first noticing that something was wrong, when I started dressing, what I ant to be when I grow up and all of that. This is not the story of self discovery, but the story of discovering what being a transsexual really means.

I grew up not knowing the word transsexual, I didn't know that there was anything that could be done for anyone that felt as I did. Then a movie came out called "Myra Breckenridge" about a transsexual man named Myron (played by movie critic - not an actor - Rex Reed) who became Myra (played by Raquel Welsh - whose acting ability was still in question at the time) who I believe at the end becomes Myron again - I never saw this movie, it was a Golden Turkey winner. But the term and the possibility of being changed into a woman became a reality to me in my teens. Then a Burlesque Company came to perform in one of our local theaters, the big draw - one of the show girls had been born a man! There were pictures of her, gorgeous! Then after For Your Eyes Only where one of the Bond Girls was a transsexual I decided that maybe there were more of us than I thought and some were very attractive. I had gained hope and began to dream of becoming a woman on a regular basis.

Then the great Jerry Springer got a TV show and exploitation became the norm. I remember hearing the announcement that the next show would be devoted to the subject of Transsexual lesbian truck drivers and the women who love them and the ones who left them. He went straight to the trailer park to find the most obnoxious people he could, and of course a fight broke out. I don't want you to think that I believe that only 'trailor trash' live in trailer parks, I had some very good friends who rented a trailer while they were getting started and others who have retired to trailertrailer homes, but you can find some very undesirable types there and Springer gets them all. Then the 12 year old boy who had become a girl and then found religion and wanted to be a boy again, "Like God Made Me."

I had pretty much gotten back to the earlier idea that 'those people are nuts', how could I be one, back into denial. Then I realized that they could never go away and I started researching, still feeling very odd about the weird company that I was going to be in. My therapist suggested that I find a support group - go to a room full of those weirdos - not a chance! I didn't say that out loud. She could tell that I was uneasy about outing myself yet so she suggested on line - Laura's was the first sight mentioned.

I came here and started reading, asking questions then I started to get to know some of the people here. Donna Jean had offered me hot coco and cookies so she was one of my earliest friends, then I met Evan and Elizabeth K joined the group and it has been growing ever since. I learned that we are just like everybody else, we have our share of loonies and prudes a little bit of everything so we are not those weirdos at all we are just people and I am proud to be a human being, sub category Female (Transsexual).

Thanks to all of you for making me able to understand myself,

Sally

[Guest matthew41]

Hi Sally,

Very cool story.

I find so much in common with my own, especially how you described Springer and not wanting to be seen as one of those types. Hats off to your therapist for suggesting you come to Laura's Playground.

I facilitate a support group and I tell new people about this site too. It happens quite often that new people to my group are not expecting to just find we are normal looking people with a common backround. I will tell you one funny story. A new MtF came with her clothes in a bag, not sure if we had a room to change in and she was waiting for the rest of us to go change. I had to point out she happened to come on a night where there were 9 FtM's and she was the lone MtF. Her eyes widened in suprise, she had never met transmen before and thought we were bio-males. I thanked her for the compliment and showed her the ladies room where she changed.

matt

[Sally]

You have made my day, Matt.

I love hearing about good things and happy stories.

Did you gentlemen pay her all of the attention that the only lady in the room deservves?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest matthew41]

Yes, we did Sally. As she relaxed and gained confidence over the evening, she felt safe expressing her true self. The transformation was lovely. She was beaming when she left that night.

Matt

p.s.

I learned about the term transsexual when I was 12 from the movie about Rene Richards. She was a doctor who was outed when she tried to play professional tennis after becoming a women. At least at the time, I finaly knew what I was and not the only one on the planet.

[Guest Evan_J]

I love your story. Simple and probably very "common". I think we all (mostly) can relate to the "yeah but I'm not one of those freaks" feeling That was very hard for me to see that a) you exactly are like "one of those freaks" and more importantly b ) y'know what? they aren't freaks There're people. Just regular people. Just like me

And Matthew, I would love to see your group. 9 FtMs? I would love to just be where that many FtMs were The group I go to has 5. But none of us are "regular" lol.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sally tell us more about your life - know you are a musician and for example - how did that work for you? I was fortunate to have a profession where being different was really an asset - and there are so many musicians here? I have trouble playing a CD- but talent, a real musical talent seems to be a mark of so many of us.

And I agree about how we are thought to be freaks - that is why the idea of steath is so bad for us left behind. Success stories need to be seen. Oh my - I sure see some good people here - I want everyone to know them. How can we accomplish that?

Just musing - and it is so good to see all the new names posting!

Lizzy (I am proud to know you my Sweet Sally)

[Guest mia 1]

So many of us have been up the river you know that one in Egypt.

Until I found Laura's I thought this is no big deal.

[No Big Deal. Just deny your very existence!

Thank You Sally for bonding with all of us and helping every one in this forum, to be as kind and caring as you.

[Guest Zabrak]

Thanks for sharing that story, Sally! I'm with Lizzy on this - I want to know more about you.

[Sally]

Well,

A few of you asked to know more about me and I am not to good about letting people into my life because they tend to leave so abruptly and leave such a void when they do. I will try to overcome my past experiences and chalk them up to my failure to accept myself. I have never been in a successful relationship and that includes my marriage. It was never the loving, sharing partnership that I had always dreamed of. It has always seemed to me that love and happiness were reserved for others but not for me.

I had this theory demonstrated to me by any number of individuals in my life but none proved the theory any better than a girl I knew in college. She had become quite ill and was in the school's infirmary for about two weeks. I went by to visit her every day and we talked and she was very happy, I was her only visitor most of the days, seems like most people are too busy to go ten steps out of their way to say hi. We seemed to be hitting it off very well, so when she was released and was back in her dorm I decided to drop by and say hello. This was in the 70s and the girl's dorms had dorm mothers who monitored all visitors. I checked in a the front desk and she called the girl on the intercom and asked if ---- was in, the response was. "yes", she said that ---- was here to see her and the response came back, "Oh, she isn't in." It would have been bad enough if I had been alone in that office but I wasn't and the sudden outburst and attempted stop of laughter by the five girls in the room still lingers in my mind. I try to be a forgiving person and give everyone the benefit of the doubt but when I called her at home over the Christmas break and she asked me if I wanted to talk to my best friend who was out there with her, I decided why bother.

Later in life, it was underscored by a girl that I was dating (I was still trying to be the guy that I was supposed to be) when she started to be unavailable for dates unless I had hard to get tickets (I was managing a record store and had a lot of contacts to label reps). I asked her to go with me to see "Gandhi" and she said that her back was bothering her too much to sit through that long of a movie so she just wanted to go home and treat her back (it was a little while later that she was talking about how great the movie "Gandhi" was - she had gone that same day with someone else). we continued dating for a while and I even asked her to marry me. Her wonderful response was, "No, I can't imagine living that boring of a life style!" If she only knew - living with a Transgender is never boring. I think that maybe I sent her some clues that I had never sent to anyone else - I took her to see "Tootsie"!

Then we come to my actual marriage, which has ended badly. It didn't start out all that well when I look back. We were discussing wedding plans with her parents and when we mentioned wanting a friend of mine to play trumpet at the ceremony (They had heard me play and knew how much I loved the trumpet) her dad said, "I don't want any damned trumpet." Not We don't really need a trumpet or I don't want to pay for a trumpet - just he didn't want it and that was the end - she has never said no to her parents and obviously never will. I should have walked out on her and before the ceremony, but she was the first that hadn't bolted on me so much earlier that I stayed.

I don't need this kind of aggravation from anyone, I have problems of my own and I am finally addressing some of them. I still have the feeling of total failure when it comes to relationships, it seems that from me the most feared words are, "I love you". These three words can strike terror into the hearts of anyone that I say them to. I have a few minutes of happiness followed by months of self doubt and self incrimination and depression. Is it worth it, I have to ask myself that, I am supposedly an intelligent person so why do I have this compulsion to be in a relationship when it is so obviously just not in the cards for me? I have a lot of love and would love to share it with someone special, but it just doesn't seem that anyone is interested in anything that I have to offer as a male or female there is just something about me that repels affection. I have lived the life of a Monk not by desire but by situations, I guess I can look forward now to the life of a Nun - it really is a shame that I am not even Catholic.

That's a glimpse into the lowlights (there are no highlights) of my relationships. Do you now understand why I am so reluctant to get too close to anyone? I have embraced Zabrak as a son but that is so different a mother son relationship has a different dynamic so does best friend, I can manage these and I do it very well, I am a steadfast friend and extremely loyal. I am still friends with the girl and my best friend who are now married and have grown children. It is the really personal and intimate relationships that have always escaped me and I can only hope that finally solving my gender issues will give me a more confident approach and just maybe someday someone will love me as much as I love them.

Sorry that it wasn't any happier than that, but you wanted to know more and that is something that gnaws at the very core of me. I use humor to deal with life, but just like so many comedians and clowns I have lead a rather tragic life and being transsexual has played a major role. How could I ever have expected anyone to love me when I wasn't being me?

Love ya, (please don't run away)

Sally

[Guest michelle.butterfly]

Oh Sally, big big big hugs.

I love you.

I'm not running away.

You inspire me!

Michelle

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Brave to be so open

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lizzy

[Sally]

Oh Sally, big big big hugs.

I love you.

I'm not running away.

You inspire me!

Michelle

That is so sweet, Michelle.

If I inspire you then I am very happy because you are doing a great job.

I'm still afraid of the 'fast lane' (Chat), but if you handle it as well as you do the forums then you inspire me!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Brave to be so open

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lizzy

Scoot over, Lizzy...........

{{{{{{{{{{HUGG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Guest Jackson]

Awww, Sally, well I love you, darlin'.

And maybe someday you can teach me to play trumpet as well as you can.

[Guest Evan_J]

Awwwww (I wanted to "aww" first Jackson ...lol kidding)

I don't know what to say....first, I'm "carefully" replying to this after a bad error I made earlier tryin to do this same thing..... then, I dunno- I actually want to tell you it probably has "nothing" to do "with you". And in a wierd way I say that because I'm kind of on the opposite side of the house than you and yet "alone".

In my life (as whatever sex if want to go to earliest teen time) I had "plenty" of dates, I might have even done some of the "not so nice" things the girls you asked out did. However it had (honestly) less to do with who asked than the fact that I had (sometimes worry if I have) some kind of "problem" with being interested in anybody sane and good and (more important) I have some kind of "problem" with staying interactive with people. Not just dates. Anyone. I used to REALLY think it was just me till only within the last year and finally my 87 year old grandmother made a comment one day that let me know she dealt with that same trait about herself all her life. It wasn't always "welcome" but she made peace with the idea she had that issue. It could be you get attracted to people with that issue or one like it? Usually they say people get attracted to the same "types" until they identify them and consciously stop being willing. Dunno but that might be helpful knowledge? And yes I have done it with friends/ associates too. Be "all into" hanging and being this place the other and then "wham" reclusive, incomunicado, disappear until.....

(Sigh) I actually "get dates" quickly if I like but lose interest just as fast (if not faster) and I don't know why. Perfectly good people. Who've done nothing wrong. And there are days I wonder what the heck is wrong with me? It sucks cuz its like "complaining" about something and everyone else would say "how are you complaining?" its that you "chose" not to date so and so. And I can't figure out where the "want" went. Gah. You probably don't get it. Hard to explain. Anyone else ever have this?

[Sally]

I can understand that, I think, at least I'll try.

And it might be true that I always tried to date the same type, I don'treally think so but it's possible.

Maybe I'll nave better luck with men than I did with women.

Only time will tell.

Love ya,

Sally

[Sally]

Well, it's a rainy day and a Monday morning so much like the song, "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down". And as I'm already feeling down it seems like as good a time as any to recount more of my life.

We covered discovering what transsexuality is and my abysmal lack of love life so what should I share now? How about my manic desire to be good at something - something manly, anything! To look at me now you would never know that I was always the smallest boy in the class until college. I was so upset by wanting to be a girl and knowing that I couldn't be (no information in the stone age) that I alternated my prayers and wishes between suddenly becoming a girl like in my fantasies or if that could not be accomplished then I wanted to be taller. The wrong one was granted. I told you before that I never won anything!

In that school playground to this day one of the great bastions of segregation, discrimination, bigotry and bullying, I was singled out, repeatedly, I was always the last one chosen in any sport and the first target in doge ball or any other elimination sport. I learned how cruel children can be, if you are smaller, wore glasses, had a lisp anything remotely different and you were a target. It was embarrassing to stand there and be picked after the kid with the coke bottle glasses to play softball! As much as I hated playing dodge ball, all you were allowed to do when eliminated was to sit and watch, with the occasional ball 'getting away' from the biggest bully in the class and hitting you while you sat there completely unable to dodge.

In Junior high we went to gym class and had to change clothes in the school's moldy, nasty and smelly locker room and they expected me to strip down and go into those filthy showers with the same bunch of jerks that loved to shove me down on the playground - I don't think so! Fortunately for me, the coaches in charge were only slightly more observant than the volleyballs themselves and I was able to avoid taking a shower for the entire year - you would think that someone would have figured it out as I was the only boy in the school outside of the marching band (you could not be in the marching band your first year) which took the place of PE who did not have athlete's foot. we were required to participate in a sport - football was out at that point - forget basketball, so I played tennis - there were only three of us playing tennis so the coaches never bothered with us and one person was just sitting all of the time - 55 minute period with time for changing start and finish so only about 35 minutes of tennis and I only played for two thirds of that. The next year marching band and that carried me all the way through High School graduation without even seeing the locker rooms at the high school.

College required two semesters of PE even for marching band members so I took them in the summer so I could go home to shower. One semester of golf, one of tennis and I was through! I was very sickly my first year in college, I developed a huge duodenal ulcer and grew 5 inches in height while losing 55 pounds. So I was never asked to play in all the reindeer games the touch football games or the inter-mural basketball league. I started my sophomore year at 6'4" and 145 pounds and was immediately asked to play on the basketball team, then I knew that to fit in with everyone else in the band I needed to learn to play sports and as everyone else was a frustrated pro wannabe I too needed to be the best! I was extremely quick and agile in those days so I was a very effective pass rusher in the touch - oh let's face it - tackle football games before band practice. I also was OK as a tight end and on occasions quarterback - I loved place kicking but we only got to play where there were actually goal posts about three times a season. I was the tallest member of the second band team in basket ball, so I started at center with the instructions of, "When the ball comes off of the rim, jump and grab the ball then throw it to somebody else." My first game I went out and one of my teammates heaved up a ball that obviously must have weighed 40 pounds to have come up that short, barely catching the front of the rim, I grabbed it and the girls who came to watch (the other guy's girl friends - I never had one) stood up and cheered - I found out later that the second team had played for two previous years and that marked the first offensive rebound in their history! We lost! I then attended a practice and the 'coach' decided that tall people should shoot hook shots - it worked for Jabar. So he showed me the basics of a hook shot the ext week when I actually shot one during the game it was the first time that anyone had ever tried to defend against it - too bad that we hadn't covered shooting free throws. We finally won the last game of the season - the first actual win for this group unless you want to count the default.

I liked basketball and became rather good at it - never the best on the team but good - just like everything else, I worked harder than just about anybody and arrived at the journeyman level. I played tennis and took up racquetball. Whenever I played against the guys I would play the power serve and volley game, which I hated and then I'd get one of the girls to go play and we would have long baseline rallies - a lot more fun. I worked so hard to be one of the guys but all the while it was staring me in my face - I liked the way girls played the sports that I liked - I played a finesse game in basketball and football - I was never the strongest and I was happiest when play tennis like a girl, wish I had been able to wear one of those cute outfits.

In the end, I never got really good at any of the sports the way the 'guys' played them but my tennis game would have gotten me on the women's tour - I was really good and I played their style at the time - now they are going for straight power and I am getting bored with them too! So I tried and tried but sports eluded me as had relationships - unless you want to count pool, I was almost unbeatable until they took the pool tables off campus and I never hung out in smoky pool halls or bars so I probably stink now. The one thing I was really good at and the college took it away form me.

By the way when I say that I never won anything - the basketball team got better while I was there for my bachelors and then graduate work! We finished second three years in a room.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

I like reading about you.

But you worry waaay too much about people long gone. I know the therapy of finally giving voice to the "ouches" but be careful you don't start thinking you still have to be those "power athletes". Its over lady. You are free.

Now, keep shaing.

[Sally]

The Night I Learned What Life Was All About.

I was about seven and it was the night before Halloween, but the story begins a few weeks earlier.

I was in my second year in the Cub Scouts with the Pine Box Derby Approaching and I had gone to the store ad purchased my pine wood derby car kit - a rather large block of wood and a drawing, four wheels two axles.

The instructions said to carve the car for yourself so my father cleared off his work bench - the paper said to use your cub scout knife so he put away his exacto knife set and I began to scratch away at the tough block - eventually forming a car shape, like an old open cockpit racer - I painted it with wood dope - a dark blue with a yellow grill and cockpit.

I tested it and it was very fast - I had left it at the maximum weight and by shifting the cockpit a little further back than the drawing and shifted the weight to the front it's center of gravity almost made it roll forward on a flat surface.

The night of the race came the night before Halloween, it was a city wide meeting of the entire council, there were to be dozens of qualifying heats - so many that only one car from each race would advance to the 4 quarter finals - my car was called for the first heat.

8 cars, I looked at the other 7 - six a lot like the picture - no problem I was feeling very good until the 7^th car was unveiled - a low slung, almost too wide for the track wedge, with a glossy acrylic surface treatment and lead weights placed strategically in the hollowed out body (the boy's father was one of the chief engineers at a local defense aircraft factory) This car was neither the design nor the work of a 7 year old but no one said anything - the race started and two cars seemed to leave the pack behind and at the end the highly suspicious product had edged my car by less than one length (4 lengths closer than any other car that night) and my night was over, all I could do was sit and watch and learn that bending or breaking the rules is great as long as no one catches you - it got him a trophy and my car that I built by myself and was clearly the number two car in the entire city got nothing because I raced the cheat in the first heat - a lesson that was burned in deeper with each of the following heats where the second place cars finished 6 lengths back and eventually ended up with trophies for having luckier draws than mine.

Important lessons, cheating gets you rewarded and luck is so much better than skill.

Anymore lessons that night?

You bet ,a local celebrity had been hired to come entertain us and being the night before Halloween we were all looking forward to his famous Vampire Character - but no, this, no talent local hack decided to introduce a new character that wasn't frightening and wasn't as funny as the guy without makeup.

The important lesson here - if you are a local almost celebrity you can disappoint who ever you want to, you are bigger than them anyway.

If it seems that I am bitter, it really was an early age to learn how totally unfair life can be and also that no one really cared.

The caper - the dinner that night was poor even for school cafeteria food.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Yes Dear Sally,

Joining Laura's has been the same for me too. I knew for a long time that something was different about me also. It was not until I joined Laura's did I not only begin to understand better, but also feel really good about myself and accept and love who I am! Being trans has many hardships which makes us all tend to isolate ourselves from the world. Finding such loving people and people like me, like you my dear Sally, made me realize that I was not alone! I saw movies and shows that highlighted transgendered people, but they were movies and I still felt removed from them. Joining Laura's, everyone is real and I feel that I am part of a community, not removed from one.

You share without reservation your love for people. You have helped me in my life in so many ways, I am forever in your debt. I thank you.... Sally

Love

bernii

[Sally]

Hey Bernii,

Sometimes I think it helps if some of our younger members get a chance to see that things weren't always that great for any of us.

The important thing is that we survive and eventually complete our transitions an go on to life the lives that we new were meant to be ours.

Never give up - Life is worth the effort!

Love ya,

Sally

[Sally]

Just a quick note about my parents and their reactions to me - my father doesn't know, he has reached a point in his increasing deafness and constant complaining about pain and what he can't hear, what he can't do , what he doesn't want to do etc. that there is almost nothing left of the man that I knew as my daddy.

My mother is convinced that I am not trans and is still trying to convince me, she either tells me that I am not and why or she just doesn't talk about it - she has spent the last few days with my siter out of town and has come to the conclusion that she is tired of taking care of daddy and knows that if she continues like it is she will die soon.

I get to hear from both of them and occasionally I get the added bonud of, "You just walked out!"

I am here and drive her everywhere she goes, my sister helps here aout about 4 times a year becasue of the distance but she never "walked out" on her.

I am the bad one, always have been, the bad seed that always is there and does whatever has to be done, but I complain that I am doing everrything so I am the bad one.

I would like to be the good one some time, but I don't seem to know how - all I do is everything and that isn't enough!

Running out of the milk of human kindness and they don't seem to stock it in the stores around here.

Love ya,

Sally

[Sally]

There was a request way back in the early portion of this to learn about my music.

When I was about five I started taking piano lessons, a great beginning to any musical performance skills - I learned to read music and I played pretty well, I was certainly no prodigy and my sister was two years ahead of me so I was never really happy being so much worse than she was. I'm not really competitive with my sister but I followed her in the same schools and was always asked why I wasn't more like her (I really am) in school work and study habits, the only place that I didn't hear that was in math - she really struggled and I didn't.

When I was 9 I was old enough to join the beginning band program, a teacher came by twice a week before school , I was already a night owl so getting there an hour before school was really a sign of dedication from me. The teacher talked to each student the first day and wrote a note to their parents suggesting what instrument they should play. He came to me and asked me what I wanted to play and I told him trumpet, he looked at me discussed my overbite and suggested the clarinet so I felt compelled to inform him that I would not play clarinet in his band or any other. He wrote a note to my parents suggesting strongly that I play the clarinet due to my overbite. I took it home and informed them that I no longer had any interest in music of any kind if I was going to have to play the clarinet. My mother took the note to my dentist and he said it couldn't make any difference (he was wrong, I had to push my lower jaw forward to play and I practiced so much that by the time I had finished High School my overbite had been corrected as well as if I had worn braces) so we rented a used cornet, in case I gave up.

We rented it long enough to complete the purchase and I still have that cornet. I have already documented my complete lack of a social life in High School so my trumpet became my life, I played in every group that I could and became the band captain (drum majors don't get to play at football games) and band manager. I wanted to learn to play French Horn but the High School Band Director would not let me (he moved people that were struggling on trumpet to French Horn and he needed me on trumpet, in orchestra he needed String bass players so he took one of the tubas and me, he knew that we both read bass clef already and I started playing bass in orchestra - that got me a free trip to Europe between High School and College.

I played both until I locked my car door on my hand in my junior year - not playing the bass, it was my left hand and I could not press the strings down very hard, for about a month I discovered that an allergy that had been effecting my hands had cleared up until I started to play the bass again - I was allergic to the rosin for the bow. Now free to concentrate on trumpet alone I played for hours on end. I was drafted into the jazz band my freshman year because they were one trumpet short and the lead trumpet player was my best friend so he pulled me in. I loved jazz and began increasing my range, my understanding of chord structures from my music theory classes and piano lessons all those years ago made me a candidate to begin trying to play ad lib solos - if they had only known what was coming.

After graduation I started taking lessons from a teacher who only took professional players - he changed my embouchure it was like starting over but within four months I was back to where I had been and headed into uncharted territories. I could now play three or four hours at a time and still go some more, my endurance was incredible by comparison. I started playing lead and jazz solos in local rehearsal bands, a few paying gigs but I joined the union in the first year of the big cut backs so one of the trumpets was cut from each band and that player then became the sub (my former position). I was let go from a record store and I started playing on cruise ships in the Caribbean, the Bahamas and the Mediterranean.

I still play in a rehearsal band and I have to admit that my trumpet has been my one true, steadfast friend, it never played any different whether I was dressed or not - always there for me and a tremendous comfort at times.

Well that's a bit about a girl and her music.

Love ya,

Sally

[gennee]

Sally, I read your intro and I can relate to it. When I began attending support group meetings I came in contact with many gender expressions for the first time in my life. Here I was; someone who just discovered that he's transgender and a crossdresser with folks I never knew existed. Just listening to their stories encouraged me to be proud of who I am. Today, my love for transgender people knows no bounds.

I appreciate reading stories of others. To me they are priceless. Thank you so much for sharing yours, Sally.

Gennee

[Sally]

I decided that it was time to bring this a bit more up to date.

Since moving to New Orleans and living in an apartment I have not played the trumpet as much (I have a Yamaha Silent Brass Mute but it is still not quite like just playing) it is always in my room and I did play a bit yesterday - funny how after nearly 50 years of continual playing that I am still able to pick it up and play anything that I want to - just not for very long - my endurance needs a lot of work.

One of the best things to happen to me is the closeness of two very dear friends - living in the same apartment that is a very good thing - we are here for each other when things get bad, never really facing the world all alone any more.

The other is having transitioned at work, living full time as myself, name changed and never answering to that old name again.

Somewhere between my arrival in New Orleans and my transition at work I reached a major milestone. I started seeing myself in the mirror more and more often. I used to see him every morning when I had to shave but now he is no longer there at all, I see me even with my chin covered in shaving cream - I just see me.

That was my biggest single break through - seeing me as I am all of the time, it has opened so many doors for me, I feel very comfortable going out in large crowds, small groups - just about anywhere.

I tend to forget about being trans at all until I stop to think about how great it is to finally be here at this particular moment in my life.

Still no significant other but these things take time after all I wasn't really myself until about a year ago and it is taking me some time to really get used to it - so I will give everyone at least another week to discover the amazing person that I am.

Love ya,

Sally