Does anyone have experience turning down being a bridesmaid?

[Guest beta022]

As a bit of background as to who I am and how I identify, I have recently become aware that pretty much my whole life I have thought of myself as "not female" in terms of gender (female is my physical birth sex), and have learned that agender isn't something I just made up in my own mind (thank you, the internet). I have always worn male clothing, and currently have a male haircut. I do use female pronouns, but everyone who knows me knows that I'm not into "girly" activities. However, I haven't told them, and I doubt they guess the full extent of how I feel about gender-specific activities.

Does anyone else here get a stomach-churning queasiness or social paralysis type reaction whenever they are invited to take part in an event where one's actions are meant to be primarily determined by one's birth gender? Ballroom dancing, most team sports, even sporting competitions which have different divisions for male and female - I find myself unable to take part in these sorts of events. It is some sort of visceral reaction that I have always had against placing myself in a situation where the first criteria for the sort of participation expected from me is the fact that I happen to have female genitalia attached to my body.

Because of this, I always have a small moment of dread upon hearing that someone close to me is having a wedding. My last friend who married saw the physical discomfort on my face when she asked me to be a bridesmaid, and was willing to take "no" for an answer without pressing me. However, my brother's fiancee is more persistent, and I feel like she will require a real explanation in order to take my "no" for an answer. As the full extent of the feelings I discussed in the second paragraph is something I haven't ever directly talked about with my family, I feel really uncomfortable bringing them up her first.

If anyone here has the same feelings about gender-specific activities as I do, do you have any advice for me?

Thanks for reading all this.

-beta022

[Guest Kalie Aowynn]

Sweet Beta.

I get all messed up in a great many social events. Especially ones that are rather formal. Like a military ball. I see all the ladies dressed in the sexiest formals and all i want to do is cry being in the roll of my male birth sex.I mean I do what is expected of me of course. But I am rather miserable seeing all the pretty dresses and jewelry as well as sweet perfumes. I have stopped using my deodorant and sneaking use of my wife's so as to not smell masculine at all.

After a shower I use a lotion of strawberry and champagne followed by a sweet smelling powder to feel more feminine as I am entering my transition.. Now as far as turning down the bridesmaid thing that is a tough one.You could probably tell her you don't feel comfortable in a dress and she might accept that out of respect for youI mean a bride wants her ladies to be comfortable so as to make for a smooth ceremony.Heck your brother might be the one to help you with this as to keep one of the bridesmaids from literally looking uncomfortable in the wedding.

I hope I said something here that will be of use hun.

Kalie.

[Charlize]

I do see your problem and shortly after going full time i was forced to wear a suit and tie. A close and dear relative had died and it just wasn't the place to bring attention to my gender issues. Grief made the difficulty bearable i guess. With your situation...joy is what we all expect at a wedding. If you can't find that in a dress you might want to suggest a pants suit if it comes up again.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest endlessummer]

Hi Beta,

well, I could not force myself wearing female clothes for that. You haven't ever talked with the family about it all, but they must somehow see that it wouldn't be the right thing they maybe picture- you having a male appearance for years and then - dress up girly for an (undoubtedly important) occasion.

In my experience people do not really think it over... I mean, someone would ask me like let's go swimming; but they would not realize what a huge problem is for me to show my body, wearing bathing clothes... So maybe the only thing is telling them. Or I like Kalie's idea, tell your brother, if that is maybe a little easier because he knows you.

endlessummer

[Guest beta022]

Thanks to the support and suggestions, all. I might have just needed a location to vent a little about this, and this is the most supportive area I could think to do it. There are plenty of non gender-related reasons that I can give her for not being a bridesmade, so I think I'll try that route first.

[Guest Jaques]

yes, when i was l5 my mother wanted me to be bridesmaid for my sister and we didnt get on so i said no - however i relented in the end for the sake of mum - ive had, on many occasions, had to dress down or dress female because at the time i was still coming out - especially for my own sons wedding - id rather put on a female trouser suit which i did than hurt him - sometimes it can save a lot of bother - and i got there in the end.

As for finding a reason for not being a bridesmaid - perhaps just giving the right reason and ask if they would mind you wearing a suit - perhaps they might actually change their minds about wanting you to be a bridesmaid then - and problem solved - they might even surprise you and agree to the suit..........

[Ravin]

It seems to me that it's not just the clothes, but the role, that bothers you.

But, if it's just the clothes, I'd talk to the bride about grounds on which you'd be comfortable standing up with her. Often bridesmaids have complementing but not identical dresses. If she's willing to let you wear pants and a dress shirt with the shirt the appropriate color, would you be comfortable with it? Would she do that?

I remember once I saw an episode of "Say Yes to the Dress" Bridesmaids edition where this very butch woman was placed in the very uncomfortable position of having to be her sister's bridesmaid. When she finally told her sister how she felt, they found a compromise they could live with.

Since it's not just the clothes and it's your brother that's the family member getting married, talk to him. Tell him you'd rather stand with him if they want you in the wedding party, that he knows you and how you dress, and let him know how you feel about both the dress and not fitting the role.