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2 Years Post-Op, Still Incomplete


Guest DesiB

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Guest DesiB

My only grandchild just turned 2 yesterday, but I haven't seen him in a few months now. My son was supposed to bring him over this afternoon, but he cancelled after I had gotten all ready and excited and had been staring out the windows in anticipation. He was born just a few weeks after my gender confirmation surgery (GCS), so I was totally excited that I got to be there when he was born and even got to be the first one to burp him. When my son told the nurse he had never burped a baby before and wasn't sure how to do it, the nurse looked at me and said, "I'm sure she can help you." After she left the room, he said to his wife who was lying in the hospital bed, "Did you hear what she called my dad?" Then I told him he could relax and get used to it because that's the way the rest of the world sees me now--and that's a good thing.

My two-year GCS anniversary was the day before Valentine's Day this year (2014), and I still feel not only incomplete, but I've also lost hope hope that I can ever obtain what was promised . . . and I can live with it. Life is infinitely better than before, yet frustratingly short of some of my hopes that have been dashed.

Maybe I should change my morning habit of going from my shower naked to the sink to brush my teeth before getting dressed? Then I wouldn't have to hear the voice of my cruel surgeon in my head every time I see a little jiggle of those two bulges left in my mons area. When I dared complain to her that it should be more of a "V" shape than the "W" shape I got left with (despite the fact that her post-op instruction papers make it sound like it is common for her to do liposuction of the mons area during follow up labiaplasty), she replied with the words that still haunt me: "Of course it looks like that, you used to have testicles."

But I feel better when I put on my favorite perfume and deodorant combination. Then I move on to the next daily reminder that things still are not right--I still have to put in a pantyliner just in case. Since I don't have cycles, there's no way to predict when I'm going to get a little blood stain, but I still get it more days than not, so I just wear them every day. My surgeon did treat my chronic granulation tissue with silver nitrate on the first few follow up visits I had, but didn't even check the last time when she totally ignored anything I asked her to do and seemed to be out to prove some point and get rid of me as a patient--mission accomplished. And even though my primary care physician seemed to be supportive from the beginning, it turned out that she was only putting on a show and in the end had not once even seen me in a hospital-type gown, let alone treated me with silver nitrate or performed a prostate exam as I had requested and discussed with her on many occasions, and finally gave me a 30-day notice to find another doctor. So, no . . . I won't be trusting anyone else.

Since then I've just registered as a female with a hysterectomy and kept the rest to myself. It's true that I obviously look deformed and my gynecologist (who I've gone to to try to get my bioidentical hormone prescriptions adjusted correctly) found my pap smear to be abnormal and says my urethra looks like it has been dilated so much it looks like a second vagina. My urologist she referred me to, for what she thought were cysts (which were actually caused by poor stitching from the final revision surgery that went against everything I had requested from my surgeon who then refused to communicate with me about it and left me with no hope for follow up), he suspects that I must have had genital surgery as a little girl.

At this point, medical providers can think whatever they want. (In an abdominal CT scan for kidney stones they reported findings of hysterectomy.) I'm finished trying to explain things and being rejected or treated like an alien species. It saves so much time when every nurse asks me for the date of my last period if I just tell them I've had a complete hysterectomy--that ends the line of questioning. Telling them I was transsexual just leads to endless questions and in the end just that much less comprehension. So forget it!

I was always very pleased with my ability to climax after surgery . . . up until the date of my final revision surgery on May 7th, 2013. The part of my clitoral hood that I repeated told my surgeon NOT to "snip" (as she kept recommending) was created from part of my urethra and was very sensitive, but the other side had been collapsed and I asked that the other side be built up to match the good side. But the good sensitivity is gone now along with my ability to climax easily. From the very beginning, there was not a single point of symmetry in my vulva--so much so that I even suspected and asked if the physician's assistant (who had taken over since the day of surgery and wore a lab coat saying, "Papillon Center" on one side and "Plastic Surgery" on the other) was a surgeon-in-training and if she actually perform the surgery on one half of me. Apparently this was not the cause of my asymmetry, but it has been there all along from the beginning, nonetheless and despite assurances that my surgeon stands by her work, it was never corrected and I am ashamed anytime anyone has to see it. So, with my favorite sensitive spot being snipped against my will, and the other issues I had asked to have corrected being left unresolved and the still unresolved need to get my hormone levels adjusted correctly (I'm still going through a 3rd round of hot flashes, night sweats and migraines), let's just say I am asexual.

Without a doubt the most satisfying part of my life over the past two years has been my seemingly improved acceptance as a substitute public school teacher. I did have it all planned out so that after I got my degree and my surgery I could go to a once-in-a-lifetime career services sponsored job fair. So while I was in town for my GCS (Feb. 13th, 2012 and the 2 weeks following), I was supposed to have gotten my Juvederm injections refilled in my cheeks (which would have done wonders for my self-confidence just when I really needed it!) right before the job fair at the end of March, 2012. But my surgeon said she never saw my email explicitly trying to arrange for this to be done at this time (even though I know, Sara, the office manager at that time did). But I was so upset after the disappointment of my surgeon not even being there for my last follow up visit at all so I couldn't even ask her to do it then, that I skipped the job fair (yes, my choice, my responsibility) and so I still do not have a full-time teaching job and have to bounce around on a daily basis all over the county as a substitute teacher with a Master's degree.

But I have met so many people and learned how to connect on a daily basis and I've gone home every day with a smile on my face. Yes, especially in the early days, I had to tolerate negative comments as some high school students would openly debate with each other over whether they thought I was a man or a woman, and I'd get questions such as whether I had seen the movie "White Chicks" and so on. But over time, that went away and more students began saying things like that I was their favorite sub and the younger students would even say they wished I was their mom and I would get hugs on a regular basis in the younger grades. Many teachers put me on their preferred list and even got my cell # and would text me to see if I was available because they said I could handle their class better than anyone else and there were never any problems when I took their classes for them etc. So I have had some of the most fulfilling experiences of my life as a substitute teacher so far.

BUT, and lately, this has been a big but . . . as fate would have it, last TDOR (Nov. 20th) I found out that the 8th largest school district in Ohio (which happens to in my county) had banned me from working in their entire district!!! I had to play phone tag for days to get to the bottom of it but finally found out that two principals back in 2011 had blocked me from subbing in their elementary schools and didn't even make a complaint to my face or ask me to do anything differently or go through any recognized procedure at all! Over the summer, the block came out of the computer system and I ended up working a half day at the school where a principal didn't want me. To this day I don't even know what he looks like, so he has certainly never observed me teaching a class. But since he complained again, this counted as a 3rd strike against me and got me banned from the entire district! I went to the Human Resources department and made my case that I was an excellent teacher and had no chance to defend myself and denied any of his made up allegations that he could not have possibly witnessed and that he must have some other reason for discrimination against me. But at that point I did not spell it out yet. It took a couple months over the holidays, and I still had plenty of other places to work 5 days a week in other districts, but they finally removed the block from the district with the exception of the two schools where the principals had complained and in her research she had come across one other elementary where someone requested that I not return.

So, with that episode behind me, this week, I was really happy to have been working a lot of days in another district where the teachers had been seeing me in the hallway and greeting me and saying I had done a fine job, etc. But Friday, while in class, I was getting calls to sub for other schools as if I was not already working--I knew what that meant! Someone had removed me from this district and not told me--even while I was still in the building! I even went to the secretary and she didn't know anything! They are smart enough not to admit the real reason for their discrimination. But the truth is that only a few students who hate all teachers in the first place and who are looking for something to use against me would even go there! Most students, even if they do suspect my past, like me! I am an excellent teacher and I get along great in the classroom! I love teaching! But this seems to keep happening now and the way it is being done seems to be a process (or lack thereof) that I cannot fight!

So, it's great that we have these new EEOC rulings and legal protections. But I'd have to prove that they know my past and that it is the reason they are doing this to me behind my back with no chance to defend myself or even face my accusers or know the charges! So, this is just one real example of what life can be 2 years post op--the good, bad, and the ugly.

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Guest AngelaA88

Reading all that seriously sent a chill down my spine....was that Christine McGinn that did your GCS? I really feel for you.

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Hi Desi,

I'm so sorry this has happened.

Your travails with the surgeon are slightly familiar - I've a post-operative complication that will probably go untreated as well, and my local health care is indifferent at best. And the cosmetic appearance could be better too - mostly highly visible scars and stitches - but it's good enough.

However, I've had good fortune where I work. Unfortunately, your job keeps you at the whim of anyone who might complain - and obviously there's no sympathy at the upper levels of school management. I don't know how they could keep any substitute teachers in that environment. My inclination would be to file a complaint with the EEOC, just to force them to defend their position.

I'm glad that you're able to keep a good attitude through it all - that's a wonderful thing!

All the best to you!

Love, Megan

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Guest Brenda Hailey

Reading this post reassured me that the thoughts I have of this world being a cold dark uncaring hate filled place towards transgender people are quite valid.

For myself trusting people is very difficult even without the trans issue thrown into the mix,and as I am finding out that isnt going to change for the better any time soon after coming out and living as a trans woman.

I have found so far working with the medical profession to be quite frustrating just to get started on this path,and then to read your story it becomes a down right horrific experience that I can imagine is something that can easily happen to any one of us.

What I cant imagine is how you must feel now after coming this far and not being happy and having no real recourse, if the people who were supposed to help you are no longer feeling obliged to do so anymore.

Not to mention as you say the work place discrimination that goes on behind your back despite any laws created to prevent such things from happening.

I feel that constant worry of being without a career myself without having gone anywhere near as far as you have,I know deep inside I will be rejected as an ugly man in a dress no matter how hard I try.

Its times like this when I am feeling my worst and reading stories such as yours that I wonder if going through all this is really worth it.

I really hope you can find some peace in all this at some point despite the reality of your situation.

Brenda

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Guest thevaliantx

Even if all of my fears of never being able to 'pass' as a woman (even with surgeries well after HRT had been started) are valid, I certainly don't feel good that I will have an economically healthy future in the role of a woman. I'm glad you share this, though!

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Thank you for sharing DesiB. :friends:

It is unfortunately that others often don't share the unpleasant side of surgical results like you do here.

It is something that should however be posted to give our Members realistic expectations.

Unfortunately surgical results are not allways positive.

I wish you Peace and Prosperity on your continued Journey.

Huggs, :wub:

Joann

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Guest KimberlyF

"but I've also lost hope hope that I can ever obtain what was promised"

I wonder what was promised, and by whom?

As many studies have shown and as Drea has mentioned here a few times, surgery is often judged as a success or failure based on expectations going in.

I have ten gender typical friends that I talk to almost daily online. Their experiences mirror that of a section from the Vagina Monolouges. 8 of the 10 never look at themselves down there. Some really only saw for the first time when they were giving birth. 2 look to check for health reasons to make sure things are the same from time to time.

This is an admittedly small group, but I've seen studies that play out this dynamic. The average woman is not obsessed with if her vagina is pretty or symmetrical.

As for the EEOC deal. In my experience, you need a smoking gun and have to do most of the leg work. They are the government, after all. You can find someone decent there, but many are just happy pushing paper.

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  • Admin

I am sorry that YOUR expectations were not met, and that it does impact your sense of self. I obviously had a different surgeon but I am not sure that it made much difference in how I feel things came out for ME.

I have probably looked at myself all of about three times in the last 14.5 months, one time because the nurse who showed me how to dilate at day 7 showed me my new anatomy for the purpose of lining up the "big stick". A second time was when one of my post op caregivers insisted I look to see the redness from a yeast infection as the cause of some healing pain. Both of those were when I was swollen up like a puffer fish from the surgery. The third time was also during a scheduled Gyno appointment, and the mirror had a big chunk of the doctor in it too. I am still regaining some nerve sensation along the erotic lines at my stage of the game, but its pleasant, and not at all what my pre-op notions of what it would be like told me to expect.

I too am Asexual, but that is lack of opportunity and not virtue. (Its their loss!!)

Congrats on the Grandchild that is special as I know from my 3 grandkids.

As for your job issues, there are some organizations that can help you, that I would go to if it was me. One is Transgender Legal Defense & Education Foundation, Out & Equal (a GLBT employment organization) or Lambda Legal (GLBT legal representation), all of which are involved in workplace equality issues for Trans* folk.

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Guest DesiB

I'm glad to offer a perspective that covers more than one or even just two simplified sides of an issue or experience. I can already see from the responses that various readers have read what I wrote in many different ways--and that's a good thing. I do have a positive attitude overall, but I am still human and have my daily little struggles too--that's all. But I didn't mention that I do already have a secure pension from my first career, so my basic needs are not in as much jeopardy as it could be for others in a similar situation. And I really did not have any specific expectation about appearance after surgery. If you've read anything I've posted soon after my surgery, you'll see I've always had a very positive outlook. Perhaps I even went too far in suppressing the initial shock I had in the hospital after seeing the horrible stretch marks on one side before the bandages were even taken off. That side has always been extremely loose and saggy. But I'm not even going to go into all the discrepancies that became apparent after I was told things were going to heal differently than they actually did. That "W" shaped bulging was not temporary swelling, as I was told, but a permanent result of my surgery that I now live with. I was fine waiting to get it fixed as long as there was hope that it would be as promised (by my surgeon and her assistant). The reason this is a problem is not because I am abnormally obsessed with staring at my body parts, unlike most women (as suggested), but when people do give me a second look or extra scrutiny (whether out of suspicion or out of attraction), I do not want them to see my crotch looking the same as a male cross-dresser who is tucking! . . . and with these bulges, even through my clothes, that is exactly what it looks like! Sure, it's great that on the inside I feel way more comfortable because I'm not tucking and there's no chance of anything falling out, but please don't imply that I'm expecting too much or being overly obsessed with my body parts. It's really not too much to ask.

What I described as my 'final' revision surgery was 'final' only because of what happened afterward. It was scheduled and planned to be an intermediate step just to get me by temporarily while I saved up money and lost more weight and healed up some more to get my full labiaplasty done 6 months later. But after my surgeon did two specific things against the written plan and against my explicit requests, then left me in her office bleeding to figure out how to get dressed on my own, light-headed and dizzy, without getting any blood on my clothes (and I even tried to clean up the mess I made), then did not make any follow-up to that, aside from telling me to just send some pics in 1 week, and then refused to answer any of my questions as to why she did what she did to me on May 7th, 2013 or respond at all until June 3, 2013 when she finally responded just to warn me that if I would have called her emergency phone # she would have to end the doctor-patient relationship. She said she would talk to me if I had a concern about an infection, but not about cosmetic issues. So I decided right then, thanked her for the good work that was done, and let her know the doctor-patient relationship was already over.

As far as who else broke promises, my primary care physician told me repeatedly that she would be willing to do my prostate exam if I wanted her to, and we even drew pictures so I could explain where it was located in relationship to the vagina. But she continually made excuses and hinted that she thought I ought to find a specialist--even though I told her there are no such specialist anywhere near where I live and that I'm composed of all the same body parts she's already studied in medical school--no alien species parts involved at all! But when I reminded her and called her on it, she ended up giving me a 30 day notice to find myself another doctor--saying that if I think she's giving me substandard care, I should find someone better. I told her there is no one for me to turn to and I that I just would never even ask anyone to do it ever again. But it didn't matter--I already can't even log into their online patient portal. I'm officially dumped by that doc. But I've moved on and I'll just go without asking for anything trans-specific, such as a prostate exam through the vagina.

Regarding legal assistance, I have a very good friend who helped changed state law here many years ago when a local judge denied a legal name change based on the judge's personal religious beliefs. I've been in contact with this attorney on the matter and he has my back if there is any action I can take that is likely to succeed. But I first have to prove those discriminating against me even know my past. But hardly anyone really does. It's not an easy case when I'm an at-will, part-time employee. So I really need a full-time job! But hey, I just got more hugs today from first-graders I'd never met before, so I must be doing something right. I really do come home with a smile every day, despite all the other subterfuge.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Post op I had a huge, excuse the expression, pubic mound. I was mortified. I spoke with Dr Reed and he assured me that after my second revision it would look a lot better and thankfully he was not lying. I use mechanical dilating very infrequent because I'm very sexually active and most of the guys tell me that They can't really tell the difference. I do have a few scars, but they are very small and hidden well.

Sometimes you need a revision to make things right. Talk with your doc to see if it can be fixed.

N

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Guest Jennifer T

Some days, the prospect of fighting all that makes me glad that I haven't gone there. But deep in my heart she still calls to me.

I am sorry your expectations haven't been met.

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Guest DesiB

Post op I had a huge, excuse the expression, pubic mound. I was mortified. I spoke with Dr Reed and he assured me that after my second revision it would look a lot better and thankfully he was not lying. I use mechanical dilating very infrequent because I'm very sexually active and most of the guys tell me that They can't really tell the difference. I do have a few scars, but they are very small and hidden well.

Sometimes you need a revision to make things right. Talk with your doc to see if it can be fixed.

N

That's the problem--I did talk with my surgeon and I had my hopes up for an entire year. But during those talks she kept warning me that further revision would probably just make things worse and she never even acknowledged seeing what I saw as obvious asymmetries and deformities that her post-op instructions actually addressed as if she would have been more willing to resolve with a follow up labiaplasty. But before I could even get to the point of scheduling a labiaplasty, she actually said, "I'll have to cut you to show you." I never took that remark seriously until she actually did it during the in-office revision that led to the end of our patient/doctor relationship.

My gynecologist sent me to a urologist because she thought I had a cyst under my urethra (it was actually just caused by the bad stitching on the 'urethral stripe' during the in-office revision) and said it looked like my urethra had been dilated so much that it looked like a second vagina. So I had hoped that the urologist would do something to fix things up at least in that small area, but he either couldn't or just decided not to try. So I'm afraid to ever let someone try to get intimate with me and put a hand down there because I know it would really hurt if someone tried to slide a finger into the wrong hole and I can see how that might easily happen with the way things are situated down there.

So even accepting that I'm no longer fit for physical intimacy, I still hope I can at least get some liposuction done in my mons pubis area to look better in my clothes. I did ask my surgeon about this repeatedly over the year while I still had a patient/doctor relationship with her. I specifically asked if it would be safe for me to just go to any local plastic surgeon to do the lipo or if I would need to be concerned the he might accidentally jam the lipo tube into some area where I have some unexpected piece of anatomy tucked or folded under where it is not expected to be so that I might end up with some possible nerve damage or other complication a general plastic surgeon might not be prepared for, due to my unique history. Despite all my attempts to get an answer, I still do not have any reassurance or know the answer to this question. So I still do not know what to do. But I think I am just going to go ahead and go to a local plastic surgeon and see what I can get done. I really don't have as much to lose now anyway since I have not had an orgasm ever since my previously sensitive clitoral hood was 'snipped' against my will anyway.

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Desi,

I am so sorry you are having these issues. I can tell you that I too have a very large urethral opening, bu I asked for it. I was making a mess in the bathroom and asked him to fix it and he did. The large opening does not affect my sexual encounters although the guys sometimes do get confused and I just guide them correctly. No big deal really.

As for the rest. I also have a large pubic mound and Dr Reed told me that he could do the lipo, or I could go to any plastic guy. He told me he would be happy to talk with them before hand so I would have no complications. Just a thought.

Dr Reed was very specific when he did the surgery and told me upfront that the first surgery was really just a rough draft and that a second surgery would be needed to to create the labia and fix all the little scars and any other issues. I hade a few, we talked and he repaired them. He actually makes it clear what the second surgery would cost, just the anesthesia, his services are part of the over all experience.

For the first 6mths I bled gallons it seemed. I had a nasty discharge and would not heal. I had t go back to him every week to be cauterized and cleaned and as you know, feet up is not the most comfortable position.

Please consider calling Dr Reed. I know a lot of people here say they don't like him, but I used him and I love his work. I can have multiple orgasms and the guys love the fact that, well, I'll leave it pg.

N

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Guest denise_w

Hi Desi,

My heart goes out to you and all you've been through.

My journey is only beginning, I have so far to go and so much to learn; that said, I can only marvel in

admiration at your tenacity and ability to persevere in the face of such profound adversities.

If its worth anything, you inspire me.

Please take care, and keep posting.

Regards,

Denise W.

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