Domestic Violence Frustration

[Guest rainbowgirl37]

I don't know where else to write this.. I cannot talk about this in public and it is hard to even to talk to my friends about even though they know my history.

The main point.. I'm fed up with domestic violence being synonymous with men beating women in some relationship. It is not that this does not happen nor

is horrible, nor would I dispute that probably 90% or more of the cases are such but abusers and victims come in all genders and all parts of the spectrum.

Not only that, but I am tired of hearing that even when you manage to get that message through that somehow there are 'lesser cases' if for example it was

a 'man' as the victim' or a woman as the abuser.

I'm a woman, a transgender woman, but used to wear the label of a 'man' even it never fit. I had that supposed physical edge/supposed ability to defend

myself but it did not stop my daily life being a misery to the point of desperately wanting to escape. You see, domestic violence is not about who is stronger

but who has the 'power'. That is how it works. I would liken my daily routine to that a prisoner might face at the hands of an unstable, sadistic warden. In my

case, there was no escape unless I wanted to abandon my children. I could not prove anything easily and frankly nobody would take me seriously as my abuser

was a woman. To the mainstream world, I basically did not exist which exacerbated the feeling of hopelessness and entrapment even further.

Then when I came out as transgender, and began transitioning, it was even worse. Not only did I now have the community think I was crazy, a third class citizen

and at least in part 'asking for it' when it came to angry assaults/outbursts, but any remorse that my abuser would often express after an outburst became replaced

with absolution because she had been 'wronged'. Therefore it was never her fault for shoving/pinching/slapping/punching or hurling objects at me. It was never her

fault for hurling the worst vitriol she could think of, belittling me, sleep-depriving me, screaming, threatening and telling me how disgusting I was.. often over the most

innocuous comments/actions. All this, all too frequently in front of children.

I couldn't leave because of protecting my kids. I couldn't strike back, not least because I abhor violence. It is a horrible, horrible feeling living every day of your life with the number

one goal 'not to set them off' with some otherwise unremarkable issue. You cannot leave anyway so your only hope is that the glimpses of the good person will be more

frequent and the norm. It is not strength, it is power.. and when you have both power and little scruples/lots of self-interest then bad things can happen for the other

people in that life.

I got to the extreme where I was attempting to execute a suicide plan. Friends intervened and managed to explain the situation to a shelter. They took me and my children

in and gave me the one chance I had to get out. Even now though, some times later, it can be a struggle to get taken seriously.. People don't seem to understand that if you

have power over someone, you don't necessarily need strength to carry out some horrible behavior, you just need the constant threat of consequences, whatever they may

be (but were invariably horrible to bear).

We need to stop erasing the woman on man, woman on woman, man on transgender, woman on transgender victims from the domestic violence narrative. It is true they are

minorities but not true they don't exist or are 'not as bad'. Domestic violence is about power. Period. You can wield power regardless of your size, gender or race. We need to stop erasing people from the equation just because they are not a common example. I'm not a man.. never have been.. but I did have a male body and I did have to live as one for

many years. We need to give these people a voice, not take it away. I almost died because of abuse. Most likely there is someone else out there that did,. and just as we need

to be colorblind. we need to be 'genderblind' as well.

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree completely that violence against men in a relationship is a real problem, it happens far more often than people realize, and I believe it is grossly under-reported. The last is true largely because male victims don't believe they will be taken seriously, or they are ashamed that it happened to them. I am very sorry that you had to endure such treatment at the hands of your spouse. it was not your fault, and you deserved to be protected and deserved to be taken seriously.

I used to be a reserve police officer, and recognizing the fact that men could be and were domestic violence victims was part of our training, But I do think that it continues to be an issue and a training need even now. I'm glad you brought this up.

When I was a teen, I recall a neighbor couple who were in their late 50s or early 60s. The husband suffered terrible verbal abuse from his wife. One day I saw him walking down the street away from their house, and she followed him on foot and yelled at him, berated him and assaulted him, all within view of the neighbors. A few weeks later, the poor soul committed suicide. I never forgot that.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

This is a serious problem, and you are so very right that it is who and how things are controlled that is the problem. Carolyn has put it very well. We need to have a better understanding of what constitutes abuse and that abusers come in all shapes, genders, socio-economic class adinfinitum. I watched elder abuse in my own family and was screaming inside when there was no way to get intervention in the situation, since the victim was a man, and the perpetrator was his daughter!! I am glad you have found escape and relief from your abuser, and the abuser of your children. Keep safe, and we will help you carry your message.

[Charlize]

Thank you for your post and i'm glad you and your children are safe. I was also abused at times and made to feel badly. It was easy to do as i always felt guilty for having issues with my gender. i felt i was less than and unworthy. I know i also abused right back at times especially during the worst of my alcoholism. We both hurt each other at times. Fortunately now as we age and deal with illness and my guilt has passed things seem to have settled into a more equal and therefore peaceful loving existence. In my case the love was always there but so was the constant putting down and degrading. I felt guilty and it was easy to use that against me.

Society need to understand that one gender doesn't hold the power always. Males as well as females get abused and maybe those of us in-between can have an even harder time. I'm glad the police are being trained to see that but i know i did my best to hide my weakness from those outside the family. My son remembers but somehow my wife does not. Perhaps it seemed natural to bully a weaker person or perhaps in my case it was only my perception caused by guilt.

Again i'm glad you are safe and able to care for your children and thank you for posting.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest rainbowgirl37]

Thankyou for the comments..

It can be a very frustrating situation (putting it mildly) when you experience it, by some miracle, escape, (a long story in itself and something I was

unable to do without help) and then.. despite at least three independent experts reviewing the evidence and accepting the truth.. still having much of

local society and the legal system, discredit you, blame you and support/sympathize with the abuser. If you have a good sense of 'right and wrong', I cannot

tell you how sickening it feels that you may never get justice, that you will actually be punished for escaping it and one of the many themes of the abuse 'you are

to blame for "everything"' will even be echoed by those you need to help you. Honestly, I understand that maybe sometimes there is a situation where the abused

becomes the abuser etc (as Charlize implied) but that was not my situation. It makes me want to throw up when I see someone 'wonder what I did' etc..

I truly did nothing to earn it. One of the main things that attracted me to my spouse was I wanted to help her. She would rage and I thought at first it would fix her

when I let her have freedom to rage but stayed calm and just forgave and loved her. I felt strong enough to do this at first. The rages would start over ridiculous things.

I never retaliated even verbally and instead I was always on the defensive. It was like being put in a court dock and being 'prosecuted' and over and over again

explaining why you had not done such things, had not 'deliberately' done something, had not 'done nothing' etc. But logic was irrelevant and as soon as the argument

could not be won on logic it would move on to more direct insults, belittling and/or violence towards you. It was surreal.. imagine seeing a dial switch onto level 'one'

but then knowing straight away that no matter what you say or do, the dial is going to burn upto level 'ten' very soon and the countdown is unstoppable and inevitable. Even if you leave the room it doesn't matter..because the rage just builds regardless and the fact you are not there almost makes it worse for the abuser.. You hear slammed doors and then perhaps loud 'mocking'. The mocking then changes into 'screaming','shouting' and whatever angry outbursts that person thinks might hurt you.. You hope they will just stay there.. maybe they will flame out? But no.. eventually it *always* has to culminate in a confrontation where there is a need to get in your face rather than earshot and make sure they can see your reactions.. see you 'hurt'. Until they get that.. until they get that capitulation and their victory.. it doesn't end. Every time.. more times than I can remember .. 50? 100 times? Truly.

Then.. as if living *every* day trying to avoid that is not bad enough.. Imagine having your children as the target instead. Imagine being in your office and hearing a scream against one of your children for doing something innocuous. There were two different people.. there was the normal person that has normal ranges of reaction and emotion and then there is the 'monster' that is a truly different personality and will not stop until it can see it has hurt you one way or another.

Yes, I transitioned, but all of this was happening long before that. All that happened was after transition began, those 'apologies/'why do I do this','You don't deserve this','I need your help'' etc stopped because now there was validation and a sense that I deserved it and then she was entitled.

I truly never did anything malicious in my entire marriage. I never wanted revenge, I never ever tried to hurt anyone, let alone people I cared about. I still don't understand how I ended up a 'victim'. It is actually hard to accept.

But anyway.. the reality is that it is even hard just to tell people all this and get them to take you seriously? Why? Because I am transgender.. with that comes another

subtle issue you have to overcome which is that you have a 'victim mentality' and supposedly crave attention. 'Gosh, you were oppressed because of your gender identity and now you were oppressed.. by a woman.. yeah okay..'. I am in many senses free now. I can just put down the phone.. ignore the text messages etc and I can have a normal life where the focus of my day is not frantically worrying about triggering a rage in someone. But it does hurt that I could go through all that and not only fail to get any justice but also get condemned by people who had no idea of went on. It hurts that almost nobody was interested in my side of the story. But that is life I guess and at least in 2014 that is just the way it is, particularly in my part of the country.

I hope all that makes sense.. I really wanted to make a more coherent point but ended up rambling a lot about my own personal experience etc. The truth is though, this is one of the few places I can do that. I cannot make these kind of statements on a forum like facebook.. I cannot easily make this statements in person, even with friends and if you lack solid understanding of what being transgender is really like, there really are not a lot of places even on the Internet where you can vent and be understood.

Thankyou for Listening

[VickySGV]

To us it makes perfect sense, and you do belong here. If there are some things you would like to talk to someone in a little more privacy, since you now have 5 posts you can use the PM system we have. Any of us on the moderator staff can be PMed with the really private stuff, and while it will be a few hours before we get back, we will answer you, even if it is to just send a virtual Hug!!

[Guest rainbowgirl37]

Thanks.. and I'm sorry for kind of veering off my original point (that certain people get erased in public perception of this issue)

It is though for want of a better term a 'weird situation' when you find yourself not just wanting but needing to tell someone something and feeling unable to do so. I do have a therapist but I cannot call her up and explain that I'm just reliving some experiences and needing to share them somehow.. Maybe there are some parallels to dysphoria.. you bottle it up, hide and repress it for so long and then even when you come to acceptance, many parts of the rest of society may not.. and instead scorn you and invalidate your experience.

I think though with the dysphoria, once I transitioned it started a healing process. The pain and almost 'panic' has largely gone away. I still have a little way to go with getting SRS in the next few months but I think philosophically, transition has not made me a ciswoman and never will, but it has made me able to be happy with the woman I am. I guess using that as an analogy, I hope one day to be able to neutralize these thoughts in a similar way, even if I cannot erase the experiences. For now though, I wish I could fast-forward to that and not be afraid of my mind continuing to wander into that dark place and challenging my ability to function.

[Ravin]

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. There are always two sides to every story, and in the DV narrative, the woman as victim is certainly the most common occurrence, but certainly not the only way it happens.

Hopefully by putting this out there, you can let someone else know they're not alone, as well as get support.